The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

My Boyfriend is Mad Because I Dumped Him

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I recently broke up with my bf of almost 4 years. We had a really good relationship and things were progressing towards marriage. We talked about engagement and kids, the whole nine yards.

As a result of all that talk of the future, I got somewhat cold feet, and asked him for a break, some time apart to let me think about us; there were some past issues relating to him protecting me. Sorry to end it short there. Otherwise, the story would get really really long. He was unwilling, but gave me that time. Two weeks into the break when I called him, he was acting like we had been broken up. That was so not my intention, but apparently he thought this was my slow rejection.

Eventually, that break turned into a breakup (surprise). I eventually came to the conclusion that I was ready to go 100% all in. No more feeling scared of the future.

To make a long story short, I asked him to get back together and he says no. I ask him why, and he says that I walk out on him too much, that my first impulse is to run away. BSG, why on earth is he thinking like this?

He says he can’t trust me anymore because he’s afraid that i’m going to end up walking out on him in our future when his parents die and his business goes bankrupt. We’re both 28. He may have showed my desire for a break as indecisiveness, but I explained to him over and over that that wasn’t the case. He starts point out all the other incidents in the past where he says i walked out on him: when we had an argument, I chose to walk away and return later on; when he was getting knee surgery, i took care of him for 2 months straight…one day i got really tired and cranky and couldn’t handle him whining and complaining, so i walked out of his bedroom…only to turn around and come right back inside and apologized for leaving the room.

He says he can’t trust me anymore and that he’s afraid to get his heart broken again. What’s the deal here? Is he seriously going to throw away a 4 year relationship because of this? I think it’s rather petty and in my head I think he’s being a child. Am I in the wrong? ~Ready Now~

Dear RN: The Bitter Single Guy absolutely understands how sometimes it’s important to step back and take stock of a situation before plunging in. The BSG thinks this is a logical and useful approach. The BSG also thinks this is an approach bound to create distrust in the person who got left behind.

Yup RN, the BSG is going to lean a little toward your Gilted Beau on this one. If you bailed on the relationship when he was all trusting and feeling good about you, then you did some serious damage to his ability to trust you. The BSG, if he were your Gilted Beau, would ask what has changed that should convince him that you’re not going to bolt again? If your impulse when you got cold feet was to dump him (which is what you did…in the typical parlance of relationships, “I need some time apart to think about us” means “I’m not brave enough to dump you directly, so I’m going to do it in stages”.) then what is going to happen the next time (and relationships, the BSG hears, are chock full of chances to get cold feet)?

RN if your Gilted Beau were to write to the BSG for advice after you ran out on the 4 year relationship, he would advise Gilted Beau to do exactly what he’s doing now. But the BSG is actually glad to have a chance to provide some advice for the other side of the coin! (that would be you, RN). OK, here’s what the BSG recommends. Say to Gilted Beau that you want a chance to earn his trust back and that you’d like to go out on a date with him. Get rid of that four-year-investment crapola, your investment in time doesn’t mean a thing if it’s an investment in a failing relationship.

Go out on some dates and let Gilted Beau start to feel comfortable again and if things go well, maybe you two can ramp back up to where you left off. But don’t expect that just because your feet have warmed back up that Gilted Beau should just welcome you back after you broke his heart.

~BSG~

Dumped By a Gamer

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I am going through a breakup and need an outsider’s eye because I’m kinda lost right now.

My ex and myself have been together for 2 ½ years and have basically been living together for that long.
The relationship started off amazing…we got along extremely well…but these past few months I have grown distant from him, physically and emotionally. I expressed to him that there were issues I had with the relationship (he is a big gamer and has said many times he is happiest when we’re sitting in the apt alone and he’s playing his game and I’m doing my own thing –and I enjoy the outside world, so that’s a problem lol)

I told him the game playing was an issue because I felt less important…so by him acting this way (among a couple other things) it kinda pushed me away, and turned me off.

Then one Saturday morning completely out of the blue, he breaks up with me and leaves (I mean completely out of the blue…he never voiced to me that anything was wrong…just a week before the break he was trying to buy me a laptop so we could play this game side by side online).

I later found out this new girl had started at his work that week and was flirting with him. I’m figuring he was getting attention that he wasn’t at home and jumped on the opportunity.It just boggles my mind though why someone would give up on 2 ½ years without even trying to fix it?

He then pulled the ol ‘I was only playing games because I was unhappy with us’…which is a complete lie, because he’s played games since we began dating, and why would he try time and time again to get me to play the games with him? He’s moved most of his stuff out (there is still quite a bit there), and has moved down the street…any insight as to why a person would move down the street??

I’m just so floored with this whole situation and feel completely lost. Any insight you can provide is appreciated! ~Can’t Believe It’s Over~

Dear CBIO: The Bitter Single Guy is sad to tell you that you’ve been dumped and there really isn’t any more to it than that. You’re working really hard to read nuance of intention into his actions: He’s moving down the street, he’s got someone new flirting with him, he says he was gaming because of the relationship when clearly that’s not true…these are all points of analysis that you’re hoping will refute the logic of the breakup and make it obvious that you haven’t been dumped.

Let go CBIO. Take a deep breath, take yourself out for a nice meal or a drink, find a friend (not a shared friend…one of yours) to commiserate with, and get about the business of getting over him. Two and a half years of (from his perspective) a relationship that doesn’t work isn’t something to continue investing in.

~BSG~

Sort of Broken Up

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been dating pretty non-stop for the past 11 years since my divorce. All of them were kind of long-distance relationships where we saw each other on weekends, and I always had my space and “freedom”. Then 4 mos ago,I met a guy who was absolutely tender, sweet and affectionate, and he looked after me. We spent three mos practically living together (he came over one night and never left ..) It was not a perfect relationship but it was perfectly normal and we both were very happy and most definitely in love. Then I started noticing all the classic symptoms of depression and withdrawl. I did not know what was going on, then he told me that it was his job (he is 100% commission sales person, and in this economy, I can only imagine what it is like having a job like that ..) But still I was not able to relate to his situation completely and kept pushing (I have a highly-paid job and I am not patient ..) I felt rejected and in the same time, my legacy commitment phobia raised its head. I kept having long, drawn-out conversations, and we picked fights with each other. This went on for about a month and half. During which, I broke up with him two and half times, but every single time he came back and tried to make up.  But then I did not see the “necessary” improvement I wanted, I got upset again. Eventually I asked him to take all his stuff out of my place.  And finally he told me what was going on – besides his dead-end job and ahole boss, he is still entangled in a complete financial diaster from the divorce (which was finalized a year before we met.)  And that a week a ago.
Before I left, we sat in his car and talked for two and half hours, and about many things (memories of past good time, what he did that hurt me, and what I did that was unreasonable, and why logically, it is the right decision for both of us not to date.) I gave him a hug and said: take good care of yourself.  He replied: why did you say that?  you don’t want to talk to me ever again?  I said: no, that is not what I meant. I am not like that.

Anyway, here is my pain:I broke up with him not because I did not care about him or did not want to be him anymore. I realized that due to the current circumstances (that his personal life is a mess) a new relationship and a demanding girlfriend is the last thing he needs to deal with right now.  But I am still so emotionally attached to him because the time we spent together, we were like family. I don’t want to date him now, but I also don’t want to lose him or cast him out of my life all together. Do I hope or at least pray that if his situation improves, we should both give it another try – absolutely.  But right now, I don’t know exactly what to do to accomplish seemingly contradicting goals – letting him know that I want to support him as a friend even that means giving him space and time, and reminding him that I still love and care for him.

He has txted me and called me apologizing for having hurt me and asking me how I was doing during past week.  I was not going to respond to any of it, but on Thur, I did pick up one call, and we talked for a while (about his job, my work, my weekend plan, etc.) He called me again Thur night, but no VM. I did not call back until last night. But he didn’t pick up. I did not leave a message (What do you say?)

Sorry for the long winding message – I am seeing a therapy now as I am “officially depressed”. But I am really curious to hear what SBG has to offer as alternative! ~On Again Off Again~

Dear OAOA: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you’re thinking too much about this (therapy will do that to you). Breakups are never easy even if they’re for the right reasons. You’re feeling a typically loss at the breakup even though you initiated it. Don’t make this guy’s life any more difficult by breaking up with him then refusing to let go.

If you want to get back together, you should think about what YOU’RE going to do to change…the BSG thinks you have made this all about your Charming Chap when in the BSG’s experience, it’s rare that breakups are anyone’s “fault”.

In short OAOA, break up or get back together, but stop stringing this guy along. ~BSG~

He Left

Dear Bitter Single Guy: So. My ex was never really an ex. We dated for about 7 months total, the only guy I have ever fallen for. He tells me “I’ll always be the rock in your life. I want you to know no matter what I’ll always be there. I know every man in your life had failed you but I won’t. I am 20 he is 28. We met each other’s family and had a really good relationship we were just never official. He was leaving to New York. Spent about 5 days a week together fought only 3 times total. Night before Valentines he is at his female friends house and I find out online (facebook). I get mad and start an argument I leave, he tells me I don’t understand because I’m young. He completely stops texting and calling. Three weeks later I get a text. “I had fun while I was in TX. I still care about you. I don’t want you to think that I don’t.”

Now he won’t talk to me wants nothing to do with me and is coming in town next weekend to hang out with my cousin and her boyfriend who are ten years younger than him and he met through me. I still love him and can’t move on I’ve dated other men but I just can’t get over him. I want him back but I know I’m stupid and I’m trying to move on but I want to believe that he will come back.. I don’t know what to think. Your advice please? ~Hoping Against Hope~

Dear HAH: The Bitter Single Guy is sad for you because you’re right…you’re being a little stupid and this relationship is over. A few key points:

• You say you were never official: Yes you were. Official relationships only require that a relationship exists and this one clearly existed.
• He’ll always be the rock in your life: The BSG wants you NEVER to believe this. Be your own rock.
• Don’t use logic: You never fought, his family liked you, he “still cares about you”. Logic makes for soul-less relationships.
• You’re angry: Of course you are, you got dumped (the BSG wants you to realize this) and you’re entitled to be angry. Own it, embrace it, in time the anger will pass.

~BSG~

Did He Break Up With Me?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: First I must write that you really aren’t so bitter after all. From your posts I read a lot of well-intentioned wisdom, which has prompted my email. (~Awww…gosh thanks~)

OK, so I’ve been seeing this guy long distance since October 2008. He’s 35, I’m 28, neither of us have been married. I’ve met his entire family, gone to birthday parties, holiday events, etc with him. He recently quit his job to go back to school to pursue another career. I supported this decision. Recently I asked him to come visit me, but got no response. Within the last month he has become quite distant from towards me. Not returning my calls as consistently as he used to, emails, etc. What did I do? Was I wrong to ask him to come see me? Why cold all of a sudden? Should I wait for him to call or call him? Is he done with me?

My parents think he can’t commit to anything, and that’s the reason for his behavior. But I don’t think so. Are some guys lifelong bachelors? He lives with an older brother who is also not married. ~Thinking I’m Single~

Dear TIS: OK, the BSG hopes this ship hasn’t sailed, but it’s so rare that we get to reclaim power in a potential dumpee situation that he thinks you need to act fast. For reference, the BSG is referring to the fact that everyone at some point gets dumped and everyone at some point dumps someone (if you’re in the game, that is). The nature of the dump-er and dump-ee dynamic is that you have more power as the dumper than you do the dumpee. UnLESS you can effect a preemptive dumping and that’s the plan for you TIS.

What helps you in this is that Spineless Jellyfish Man is apparently using the ever-popular breakup-by-proxy approach…which is to say; he’s going to go dark and wait for you to “get the message”. The BSG loves to hear people talk about this as if it’s legitimate. “I stopped calling him two weeks ago, can’t he get the message?” <giggles callously> Tacky, tacky, tacky.

Don’t wait for him to respond to your questions about coming to visit, don’t extend another offer. Do this: Call him and say something like “Since you’ve moved away to school, it seems we’ve grown distant and I’m sensing that our relationship is over for you. I can understand how that can happen. Call me if you want to get together sometime…otherwise good luck.”

This will get his attention, without a doubt. He’ll either act all innocent about his behavior being called out and call you with a bunch of “I NEVER meant that!” talk, or he’ll take the “get out of jail free card” you’ve offered and will simply continue not to communicate.The BSG suspects the former. That’s the way of Spineless Jellyfish Men.

Either way, the power is now yours as the dumper! It won’t feel good…that ship has already sailed…but it will allow the recovery time to be significantly less.

By the way, to your question about whether some men are lifelong bachelors: Sure some are. It’s easy to say it’s because of fear of commitment, but in the BSG’s mind there are a ton of reasons why a person (man or woman) would spend his or her life single. That’s for another post.

~BSG~