The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Boyfriend Brutally Dumped

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I feel awful as I just broke up with my boyfriend of 3 months because he could only see me rarely and didn’t stay in touch in the in-between times. We are both going our separate ways overseas next year, but for now, I think if you don’t let someone know you’re thinking of them a few times a week, you don’t have a relationship, right?

We have great conversations, shared hobbies and creative ideas, and great sex. He is a spunky guy, but also gets very sad (depressed). I was going with the flow and so happy – one time he got really low and asked me to ignore him for a while, but I hugged him instead, then gave him an ultimatum and he said he wanted to be with me so he would get help and let himself be vulnerable with me, that was a big thing for him. He told me 2 weeks ago: “I don’t want to scare you, but it would be nice to do more relationship stuff, eat together more”. I told him “are you kidding?” and was even happier. He told me that he told his mom (overseas) about me, that we were finally together as we’ve been friends for 2 years but always with other people. I am a fairly independent girl but I was getting very comfortable in the relationship, and recently he also started introducing me as his partner to his friends. The problems…he is sometimes emotionally cold (related to depression) and recently can’t find time to spend with me because of work. I am an affectionate girl, and believe the person you’re with should make you feel even better about yourself by expressing how much they like you. I do. He doesn’t very much.

After he flaked out on a date but still wanted me to drive up to his house to hang out in the evening, I told him it might be better just being friends. He got angry, said he was trying, then dropped the rather thoughtless quote “well I think we both know we’re not the love of each others’ lives” which cut me deep. But he said he was happy being with me, and I was too…now I have ruined it.

I asked him if that meant he just saw me mainly as a sex buddy, and he said he thought we were getting closer and he wanted to bond more on an emotional level, but he guessed we wouldn’t now. But how does that fit with not making time to see someone, as he didn’t? Or saying anything sweet?

Am I demanding? He asked me if we could talk as he’d said stupid stuff the day after our break-up, but when I went to his house as he was feeling sick, no talk, and he seemed very quiet, he said he wasn’t happy about not being with me. I should just leave it be and find someone more attentive, or what?

I don’t just want to be strung along for sex by someone, if that’s all he wants.

Since we are both leaving next year should I just give it a second shot or move on? ~ Worried I was too brutal ~

Dear WTB: The Bitter Single Guy got hooked on one detail of your story: This has been going on for three months. WTB, it’s appropriate and important to pay attention to all these details:

Yes, it’s appropriate to feel emotionally supported by the person you’re romantically involved with. Be careful about deciding that the right number is several times a week because while that may be true for you, it may be too frequent for him. The BSG says that because you may some day find yourself with someone who thinks that several times a day is the right number and you’ll feel smothered.

The BSG wants to sternly shake his finger at your Doubtful Dandy for the “love of each others’ lives” comment. In the BSG’s opinion, this is the one that could kill an otherwise delightful relationship. But with his history and his effort to (apparently) swim upstream against depression to be with you, the BSG recommends letting that one go for now.

WTB, the BSG could go on, but mostly he comes back to the “three months” point. The BSG doesn’t think that’s enough time to decide that this is the wrong relationship. And here’s the big one: you’re going to be separated by oceans someday soon and maybe you’re not the loves of each others’ lives, but unless you’ve got a whole ticking-biological-clock thing going on, the BSG wonders why you wouldn’t want to spent some time in a relationship that makes you happy even if it’s not a forever-after kind of thing? The BSG says give him another chance. ~BSG~

Sucker Punched

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m destroyed. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. I love him very much and for the most part he makes me very happy. I am 5 years older than him (30 and 25). Recently after my support and encouragement he applied to and was accepted to grad school in another state. I have been nothing but happy for him. We went and visited the school and city to get a vibe. We have openly discussed that this is a huge deal that is going to require a great deal of time, energy, money etc.

I am more than willing to give him the space this requires. I had been planning to go and take the time to refocus my own career. I just want to be supportive and do what’s right to keep this relationship moving forward. Lately he has grown very distant and stand-offish. I knew it was coming from anxiety about all the upcoming changes. I called him on it, said I wanted to clear the air so we could talk about the scary stuff and the exciting stuff.

He told me he doesn’t want me to come because moving our relationship to another state=marriage and babies. I try to reassure him that is not the case. That, yes, I hope for those things one day but that I see these next couple years as time to focus on our careers. That this is just moving our existing relationship to a different zip code. That true, nothing is a sure thing but he is worth the risk to me and I hope I am to him as well. Well, it seems that I am not. I am as good as dumped with the rug snatched right out from under me! A complete sucker punch! How did this happen? What is he thinking??? ~Sucker Punched~

Dear SP: Oh gracious, the Bitter Single Guy wants to give you a big jiggly hug right now, and not in that creepy way.

SP you know how this happened and you know what he’s thinking, it’s just the evil painful awful truth about being dumped. Sometimes relationships end even when everyone does everything right.

Your ex-boyfriend (get used to that term) might be too freaked out by grad school to be feel comfortable in a relationship and he’s not far off the mark; the interwebs are rife with stories of horrible relationships ending horribly because one person focused entirely on the academic process to the exclusion of her or his relationship. The BSG himself ended a relationship rather than move across the country to a cold new town. The BSG imagined himself buried in a strange apartment behind snow drifts the size of tractors while his significant other was attending festive late night study groups. The BSG’s imagination couldn’t keep him from picturing scenes from The Shining, so he decided it was time to pull the plug.

SP, of course the other possibility that you have to entertain is that your ex-boyfriend (it hurts each time for a while) just wasn’t invested enough in your relationship to stick it out through grad school. The BSG only points this out because if Scholarly Sammy gets to school and immediately starts dating someone you’ll feel like he told evil painful awful lies to you when in fact he may have just realized that going away to graduate school was the opportunity to end a relationship in which he didn’t see a future.

Either way, it’s what it seems to be. You’ve been dumped and it sucks. Once the sting starts to fade, the BSG recommends cutting Scholarly Sammy a tiny bit of slack as the BSG thinks it wasn’t easy for him to step away. Good luck healing, SP. ~BSG~

Getting Over a Breakup

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’ll try to keep this short and sweet.

I started a relationship with a girl who works for the same company as me about a year ago. It was great for some time, but we went on a break (yes, I know it was a bad decision) and when we got back together it was never was the same.

Last week, she broke up with me and it has not been an easy road for me. Going to work reminds me of her (although we don’t work in the same office or area) and everyone in my office knows her really well. She comes up in a lot of conversations too. I just can’t seem to escape her right now.

While I know I will heal and move on, I haven’t been on this end of a break-up in a few years. I have tried to keep myself busy and hanging out with friends to move forward, but it is slow moving.

That being said, here is my question: what are some of the things that I can do to help with the healing process? Thanks. ~Looking To Heal~

Dear LTH: Doesn’t getting dumped suck? The Bitter Single Guy thinks that this is as much about personal control as anything…by which he means that even when both parties are aware that a relationship has run its course, the one who takes control and ends it usually has an easier time than the one who gets dumped. Yes; the BSG thinks that getting dumped sucks.

LTH, the short version is what you already know; it takes time. The good news is that there is nothing you can do to keep time from passing and the sting of this breakup from fading. In the meantime, the BSG cautions against brooding. Sitting at home thinking about what you (or she) could have done differently isn’t even mildly helpful at this point.

So the BSG wants you to start engaging in activities that take your mind off the breakup. This could be going to see a lot of movies (this is the one for the BSG…a half-way decent movie provides a ‘reset’ for the BSG’s brain when he needs it); it could be engaging in some meditative activity like pottery (just seeing the spinning wheel of wet clay makes the BSG drowsy, but for some this is meditative); or this could just mean doing things that make you feel good about yourself and your life, like spending time with friends who make you feel good or spending time with family (if that makes you feel good).

In short LTH, take some time for yourself. Do things that make you happy so that while you’re waiting for time to do it’s good work, you’re providing yourself some self-care.

Good luck. ~BSG~

She Can’t Let Go

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I was dating a very nice man for about 8 months.  We met in AA.  He is also a former marine and a veteran.  We enjoyed, what I thought was, a very happy relationship.  We saw each other two or three times a week which we both were comfortable with.  He introduced me to all of his friends and made me comfortable in his home.  We took trips together and were just as happy hanging out at home as going out.

Although he was hesitant to express his emotions verbally, the sex was great and we were very compatible.  Everything seemed to be wonderful up until about a month ago.  Out of nowhere, he would not return my calls.  When I called him, he said he would call me back and then he wouldn’t.  I have emailed him a few times, but no response.  My question is – should I confront him face to face? I don’t want to confront him in a negative way.  I would just like to know (1) if he is ok and (2) to please explain what happened.  I am consumed by this. I think I deserve to know what happened.  What do you think?  He is a wonderful, caring person who gives freely of his time to help others.  I am completely perplexed and hurt by the fact that he cannot (and will not) communicate with me.  Can you help BSG – Please!  Thanks very much in advance. ~Feeling Shut Out~

Dear FSO: The Bitter Single Guy knows firsthand (from several occasions) what it’s like for a date to simply go dark and it’s one of the most frustrating situations he’s ever experienced, so he feels for you FSO.  Here’s the BSG’s advice:

First, find out if he’s actually OK. If you know he’s out there in the world (working, living, etc.) and not lying in a ditch somewhere then check this off the list. If you don’t, contact one of those friends of his you met. Resist, at all costs, the urge to ask the friend what happened to your relationship. The friend will, if s/he has good boundaries, opt to stay out of it, but if not you can expect this friend to side with Disappearing Drake.

Second, craft a written communication that indicates that you know he’s OK (you checked that in #1 above) but don’t know why he’s stopped communicating. Express your feelings and let him know that you assume he won’t respond to your letter/email, but that you wanted to close the relationship from your perspective. This is the tough part. You’ll send this letter expecting that you’ll get a response from him, but you HAVE to believe that you won’t. If he’s resisted this long, your letter isn’t likely to get his attention.

Third, go through the grieving appropriate for the end of a relationship. This will be harder because you won’t know why it ended, but here’s the key: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. The BSG says this without hesitation. If something happened that resulted in this man not wanting to be in relationship with you, but which he was unwilling to talk to you about, then it’s entirely his issue. Seriously FSO, hear the BSG on this .You’ll be questioning yourself here and wondering what you could have done differently and the answer is nothing. This could be over something you did or said, or something in his life, or this could just be how he ends relationships. Either way: NOT YOUR FAULT.

The BSG doesn’t recommend confronting him, there will be no good resolution to that conversation. ~BSG~

Bipolar Breakup

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m a 20 year-old college student with lots of issues.  I have Panic Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, and Bipolar Disorder.  The first two have been kind of obvious throughout my life, but never diagnosed until last year, which was when all of this started happening.  To make things much shorter, I have been hospitalized in a mental health facility 4 times in a period of 7 months, 2 for suicide attempts and 2 for near attempts.  I have had extensive therapy; more (painful) medication changes than I can count, and even had to take a semester off of school to get myself out of it.  Then I thought I had it all figured out and went back to school rarin’ to go.  Turns out this was not the case, and I’ve been deep in the throes of depression for several weeks now.  I consider it a success that I have not attempted again, but it’s really ridiculously hard to get up in the morning.  I find myself crying and sleeping all day and skipping classes.

Throughout all this, my boyfriend has stuck by me for 3.5 years (incidentally, my first boyfriend).  We have been in a long distance relationship for 2.5 of those years, and it has gone relatively smoothly.  It’s been incredibly difficult to learn to do normal people things, like go on dates, eat at restaurants, and interact with his family, but I’ve done the best I can, and have improved exponentially.  He’s also the first (and I thought last) person I had sex with or did anything at all sexual with, I hadn’t even been kissed before.  We even talked about marriage and the long term future.  The reason I say all this is because this relationship is really really important to me.  And he broke up with me yesterday.  He did so because he couldn’t handle the bipolar thing anymore.  I gave him plenty of outs before, when I was in the hospital watching me in the ICU, I said I wouldn’t hold it against him if he wanted out, but every time he refused and said he would stick by me forever.  He even signed a letter to this effect.

I get where he’s coming from, if it was me, I might do the same thing.  I get that it’s really hard to watch the mood swings and be worried that the next time you see me might be in a coffin.  But he did promise he was in this for the long haul.  I am utterly distraught.  So, what do I do?  Do I just try to get over this and don’t date until I’m sure I’m emotionally stable?  Do I try to get him back?  Do I wait until I’m stable, and then try and get him back?   Do I just enjoy being single for a while?  Do I kill myself (kidding)?  Seriously, what do I do? ~Looking for Balance~

Dear LFB: Firstly, the Bitter Single Guy wants to dampen his normally chipper responses a little to provide some pointed advice. The BSG believes that suicidal ideations (including jokes about them) are always to be taken seriously. While the BSG himself doesn’t have the array of daily difficulties that you are working through LFB, his first response is that if you are having suicidal thoughts, please get professional help right away. That’s the final game changer in your letter: the one from which there is no recovery.

That aside, the BSG wants to say that he appreciates the uphill battle you have against these disorders. Mental health is stigmatized in our society, which makes recovery and day-to-day life even harder than if you were suffering from more easily sympathizable disorders. Keep working LFB.

OK then…THAT aside, the BSG is going to provide advice for your relationship just as he would for someone without your extra hurdles. Here goes:

• At 20, you’ve had the same boyfriend since you were what…16?
• For the past 2.5 years of your 3.5 year relationship (that’s 71% of your total relationship time to day) you’ve been in a long-distance relationship.
• He’s leaving you and you’re devastated and (understandably) a little miffed that he’s gone back on his word to stay with you forever.

Welcome to the world of normal relationships, LFB. There are more people struck by lightning in cornfields than have stayed in relationships from their teenage years until they die. (by the way, the BSG also thinks that your point about the next time your BF sees you might be in a coffin is frankly a little selfish. Ask your therapist about that for more detail.)

It’s normal (and expected) that our personalities develop in our late teens and early twenties so that we become more of what we’re going to be, and it’s quite appropriate for people to grow apart even if they’ve signed contracts to stay together forever. Think about that contract for a moment. If, when presented with the contract, your boyfriend had said “I don’t think I can commit to forever”  how would you have reacted? Yeah, the BSG thinks you would have dumped him, too.

This is normal LFB and given the tough row you have to hoe, the BSG is actually pleased to help you see that you get to have all the normal ups and downs in love that the rest of us have. Yes, the BSG thinks you should get more emotionally stable before you decide to participate in a relationship again. Good luck, LFB. ~BSG~