The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

He Looks Good on Paper

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I really don’t understand myself. Maybe you can help.

I’m a 19-year-old college girl. I am a virgin. I’ve been asked out or propositioned before, but I’ve pretty much felt asexual until recently. So anyway, I finally met this cool guy, A, and we hit it off. He takes me on dates, treats me well, respects my boundaries, texts me 5 times a day and all that jazz. We’ve known each other for 3 months and have been dating for 2 of them. We’re not in a relationship (although that seems to be his intention), and we’ve only kissed so far. I don’t have a strong desire to have sex, but I realize that’s generally a necessary part of a relationship. Although our personalities are really compatible and I always have fun with him, I’ve never had the crazy intense chemistry that people get with their significant others.  But then again, I figured that after a while, the intensity always fades with the novelty, right?

…at least, that’s how I felt until I met this guy, B, at a party, and it was just like…instant fireworks. He wasn’t that good looking, but I gave him my number within an hour. Wasn’t personality either, since I couldn’t hear a thing he was saying over all the other people talking. By pure coincidence he switched into a class I’m taking. He texted me afterwards asking if I wanted to hang out, I texted back yes, and no response since.

And suddenly, continuing to date A is no longer an option.  But how do you break it off with someone who basically did everything right and basically has been perfect in every way? I guess since we never reached official relationship stage that makes it better, but he keeps calling me with excited plans about all these places he wants to take me and I’m just like, yeah…soon… I have a vague notion that I’m supposed to do this in person, but I don’t want him to drive over half an hour to my place so he can get broken up with! He’s also spent a lot of money on me (I always try to go Dutch and sometimes we do, sometimes he grabs the check when I’m not looking) so I was wondering if I should treat him to a meal first. Or would this just seem mean-spirited?

Turning it over in my mind, I realize it just seems crazier and crazier that I am basically throwing away a chance to have a fulfilling relationship with a great guy for a potential hookup (not even a hookup! A potential one!) with a stranger I barely know. I just can’t date a guy I have no sexual chemistry with when there’s another guy who, I don’t know, he like, moves and I get turned on. Am I crazy, BSG? And what should I say to guy A? ~ Looks Good on Paper~

Dear LGOP: The Bitter Single Guy wants to welcome you to the world of chemical attraction! LGOP, the BSG has himself been a slave to illogical attraction and he is here to tell you that there is very little to change it.  We all want to believe that attraction is logical and that when the reasonable part of our brains tell us that safe and funny and reliable are attractive qualities, that’s just wishful thinking. Because then we meet guys at parties who we can’t hear over the crowd and aren’t that attractive, but who, for reasons passing understanding, just lift up our metaphorical skirts (or our actual skirts, which is a little invasive possibly, but could be fun too).

Yeah, the scoop is that you’ve got the hots for Guy B and you don’t have the hots for Guy A. So the plan is to break up with Guy A, but the BSG wants to be very clear here. Don’t break up with Guy A because Guy B is a better choice…break up with Guy A because he’s NOT the right choice. There is a difference here and it will become clear if (when) Guy B ends up also not being the right guy, despite all your chemistry. At that distant point in the future (maybe not so distant if he hasn’t answered the hang-out text yet) you’ll think that maybe you shouldn’t have let Guy A go, but the BSG wants to you to go look at what you just wrote: He’s nice and fun, but you have no attraction to him. LGOP, it turns out that attraction is necessary and fun and while it may not feel the same on day 1000 as it did on day 1, it’s still there (or the BSG would assume it was if he had had a day 1000 with someone yet. Sheesh.)

No, you don’t have to buy him a meal, but you don’t need to make him drive a half hour to your house to break up with him. Why can’t you meet him closer to him? You’re correct that you need to do this in person, but let go of the idea that you have some sort of debt to repay to Guy A. He’s in this with both feet…if he ends up feeling used, give him the BSG’s email address.

~BSG~

The Breakup Series Part 2: So You’ve Decided to Dump Someone!

So you’ve decided to dump someone!

Whether you agonized for years about your decision to end your relationship, or it came to you last night in a dream and by lunchtime you had the car packed, the BSG knows that the decision is always a tough one.

To start out, the BSG wants to say that the difference between dumping and breaking up has to do with style, maturity and compassion. Granted, no amount of delicate artful breaking up will prevent the dumpee from believing anything other than that she or he was dumped plain and simple. But the BSG believes that there are karma points to be gained by taking the high road even when the rewards are few.

The High Road: Breaking up

The BSG is reminded of the sage advice provided by a sign posted on a cubicle wall (in the BSG’s previous life as a Bitter Corporate Drone): “Doing a good job around here is like wetting your pants in a dark suit: it gives you a warm feeling, but nobody notices.”

The BSG believes that breaking up with someone in a compassionate fashion is much like the experience described in that clever little quote. So the BSG wants you to imagine that you are the person in that quote who is trying to do a good job. First, picture yourself in a suit (does anyone but appliance salespeople wear those anymore?). Then, if it’s not too creepy, imagine with the BSG that you’re standing by the water cooler watching other suited women and men come and go for a quick drink (are water coolers even a reality for cubicle monkeys anymore? The BSG needs new info he thinks).

There at the water cooler, you decide to ‘relax into it’ and <ahem> wet yourself. The BSG suspects (he has no actual experience here) that like that sage observation, there would be a relatively unnoticeable warm sensation spreading out from your groin-ish area and before running soothingly down your legs to gather in pleasant pools in your shoes. Are you with the BSG? This is the feeling of doing something good, like a compassionate breakup. But stay with the BSG here. What happens next?

Next that warm feeling is gradually replaced by a cold clammy feeling. The pee pooled in your shoes has seeped between your toes and whether anyone coming and going from the water cooler has noticed or not, you’re feeling pretty icky right about now. The BSG would like to point out that this experience is also the follow up to a compassionate breakup, but at this point it’s necessary to leave this whole disgusting metaphor behind (the BSG feels a little dirty about the whole ‘pee in your shoes’ part, but it got us here, which was necessary).

The Low Road: Dumping

In stark counterpoint to the warm-then-clammy feeling of the mature, compassionate breakup, there is “the dump”, which rarely elicits warm feelings. Usually, dumping someone is preceded by all kinds of negative feelings like anger or self-loathing. But at the end of the day, there’s a reason that it’s called dumping. Imagine if you will, the cartoon experience we’ve all witnessed where a Hapless Harvey (usually male in the cartoons because causing physical harm to females is usually taboo) is standing innocently on a rug when it is literally yanked out from underneath him. The rug and Hapless Harvey’s feet get tugged in one direction while Harvey’s body stays in one place. Physics take over and gravity grabs hold of Harvey to pull him to the floor in a startling fashion. Poor Hapless Harvey.

Dumping someone in a relationship usually has fewer actual bruises, but the emotional bruising can take much longer to heal. Much like Hapless Harvey’s experience, Clueless Connie is standing firm in her belief that her relationship is strong and healthy (or at least not in imminent danger), when Connie’s other half announces that she’s done, and Connie’s emotional feet are yanked out from underneath her just like Harvey’s. In both cases, both Harvey and Connie were surprised and lack of preparation resulted in them on their asses (literal for Harvey, emotional for Connie) on the floor.

So then…break-up or dump? Stay tuned for the next installment of the BSG’s Guide to Breakups!

Dumping a Friend

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have a bit of a problem, which I haven’t encountered much before, involving a female friend (I am also female) whom I met through my son, who is at primary school.

This woman is intelligent, talented, friendly and was pretty much instantly very enthusiastic about a friendship with me (ie she very much initiated it) initially based largely on getting our sons together to play.

To shorten a long story, she is also , as my partner puts it, “trouble”. Within a week I knew about every affair she had had or was planning to have, though I know and like her (now) ex husband. Many of the relationship dynamics and scenarios she described to me were disturbing or I just felt uncomfortable with. I did try to be diplomatically honest (most people say I have a skill for being direct but kind) about what I thought, but some of it was just too way out for me to feel comfortable giving my honest opinion on with a relative stranger/very new acquaintance.

In combination with this, she began calling me “her best friend in ……”(place where we live, and where she had recently relocated to), and being generally very familiar and enthusiastic. She has a tendency to say things like “Oh- of course you’re like that/do that- you’re exactly like me/I know you/your crazy like me…”(??)when I don’t feel that she knows me well at all. Some of that feeling on her part seems to have been increased by the fact that we coincidentally attended the same school (at different times) and know some of the same people from that time (now about 20 years ago!).

One mistake I feel I made was that at this time, I accepted an offer of free storage for some furniture for several months, while I was between houses, and living in a very small flat. It felt like I increased the sense of a bond, and a deeper friendship than I perhaps wanted, because I needed the storage.

Anyway, things continued on for some time; I found her company intense and sometimes uncomfortable, but just tried to pace myself so that I saw her when I was feeling able to handle it. I mean what do you say to someone who has just *adopted* you as an “instant best friend” ?? New one on me.

Recently, she finally broke up with her husband, whilst my partner and I married. I have seen her minimally, but she was at my wedding; I had mentioned to her that there was some family tension, and could she please kinda “mind” what she said to my aunt, who was at her table. She ended up getting drunk on martinis and saying “So, I hear the family doesn’t speak to you!”, as well as telling my aunt and cousins all about her divorce and sexual exploits(they are very conservative, which was obvious).

This was not a total disaster on its own, just kind of an “extra straw” on the pile at this point.

Our sons still really like each other. It’s starting to be really uncomfortable when I make yet another excuse not to get together, or don’t return calls straight away. I ran into her accidentally recently, and that was awkward.  I feel like it’s gutless and mb a bit mean to just “cold” her, even if it’s gradually, but I am not sure I even feel close enough to her to want to share my real feelings about the whole situation.

I have written a letter, but not sent it.

How do I break up with her???? ~Want One Less Friend~

Dear WOLF: The Bitter Single Guy totally gets your situation here and he’s glad you wrote to him. What you describe is someone unable to grasp or exercise healthy adult boundaries which is unfortunate for your friend, but at the end of the day isn’t your problem.

The BSG also realizes (as you do) that you setting a firm boundary (since this woman is unable to) may have an impact on your son’s friendship. The BSG can see it now: you stop being friends with this woman and she, in her no-boundary sort of way, refuses to allow her child to be friends with yours since you hurt her feelings. This of course, would be her using her child to hurt your child and therefore you, which in the BSG’s opinion should come with a jail sentence but parents can legally use their children as pawns in various emotional games with no consequences besides a healthy therapy bill later in life.

WOLF, in the absence of Crazy Lady setting a useful boundary, you need to do it. You should, as you have mentioned, simply stop replying to her requests to get together. Now the BSG is rarely a fan of the “just stop communicating” method of ending a relationship (romantic or friend), but in this case, the BSG thinks the best way to avoid your son getting punished for Crazy Lady’s behaviour is to see if this will pass if you ignore it.

If she persists and you have a need to clarify the boundary, the BSG thinks you could start easily with a ‘I just don’t think we’re compatible as friends’ statement. This will shock her, either because it’s not the first time she has been friend-dumped, or because she can’t imagine what it’s like to set a boundary. Either way, with luck she’ll take this blunt hint and go away.

Overall, the BSG recommends against engaging in long conversations with her about why you’re not going to be her friend. He guesses that Crazy Lady is open to all kinds of personal interaction including arguments, so will be more than happy to morph her previous best-friend energy into worst-enemy energy.  Nope, the BSG thinks the best thing is to ease out of Crazy Lady’s life as quietly as possible. Certainly don’t invite her to anymore events where there are normal people and alcohol. ~BSG~

Predators and Prey

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I met this guy about 3 months ago at a friend’s party, I didn’t pay him any attention or even talk to him but he asked my mate for my name. He added me on FB and we started talking and texting all the time, pretty much all day every day. We soon flirted all the time and said things to each other that friends definitely don’t. We also caught up a bit, went movies and cuddled and we kissed. He talked about me to his mates, like guys do when they are interested in a girl. And we have talked every day since until about a couple of weeks ago when all of a sudden he stopped talking to me, nothing had happened, we weren’t in a fight. We just had stopped talking. I left it and didn’t talk to him for weeks cos I was sick of saying hey and being ignored. Then I inboxed him on FB having a go at him as to why when I make an effort I get ignored and that he was playing and leading me on all that time and he got really angry and we are now in a massive fight. He said that all the things he use to say to me he was mucking around and it was supposed to mean nothing.

I’m so confused by what he means by all of this? If it really was a joke or if he was just that angry that, that came out his mouth and he didn’t mean it? And I’m not sure what to do next cos we are still fighting and I have tried apologizing for the things that I said. I’m confused, help! ~Annoyed By Boys~

Dear ABB: The Bitter Single Guy hears your frustration and he has to admit, on behalf of his gender, that boys can be a pain in the ass. You see, we’re not supposed to HAVE feelings, much less TALK about them. But the BSG speaks fluent GuySpeak, so he can definitely help you out here.

Waffling Walter did actually like you at first…more specifically, he liked the chase. He liked flirting with you and texting with you…it was all giddy and exciting back then. But then, once he caught you, the thrill of the chase passed and he found that he liked the chase more than he liked you. More specifically, he liked chasing you more than the day-to-day of you. This is no reflection on you, it’s just the way things work out sometimes.

The BSG hates to be the one to tell you, but this is over. Stop arguing, stop texting, stop inboxing him (the BSG loves the verbing of that noun, by the way), stop engaging with him. Spend some time being annoyed with him and telling your friends what a jerk he became. This is all part of getting over someone.

The bad news (or good news, depending on what you hope for) is that as soon as you disengage, Waffling Walter will likely begin the chase again. Do NOT start flirting and chatting with him again or the BSG promises you that this pattern will absolutely repeat. ~BSG~

A Picture’s Worth a Thousand Words

Sometimes other folks say it just as well (or better) than the BSG could. Like here.

~BSG~