The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Bipolar Breakup

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m a 20 year-old college student with lots of issues.  I have Panic Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, and Bipolar Disorder.  The first two have been kind of obvious throughout my life, but never diagnosed until last year, which was when all of this started happening.  To make things much shorter, I have been hospitalized in a mental health facility 4 times in a period of 7 months, 2 for suicide attempts and 2 for near attempts.  I have had extensive therapy; more (painful) medication changes than I can count, and even had to take a semester off of school to get myself out of it.  Then I thought I had it all figured out and went back to school rarin’ to go.  Turns out this was not the case, and I’ve been deep in the throes of depression for several weeks now.  I consider it a success that I have not attempted again, but it’s really ridiculously hard to get up in the morning.  I find myself crying and sleeping all day and skipping classes.

Throughout all this, my boyfriend has stuck by me for 3.5 years (incidentally, my first boyfriend).  We have been in a long distance relationship for 2.5 of those years, and it has gone relatively smoothly.  It’s been incredibly difficult to learn to do normal people things, like go on dates, eat at restaurants, and interact with his family, but I’ve done the best I can, and have improved exponentially.  He’s also the first (and I thought last) person I had sex with or did anything at all sexual with, I hadn’t even been kissed before.  We even talked about marriage and the long term future.  The reason I say all this is because this relationship is really really important to me.  And he broke up with me yesterday.  He did so because he couldn’t handle the bipolar thing anymore.  I gave him plenty of outs before, when I was in the hospital watching me in the ICU, I said I wouldn’t hold it against him if he wanted out, but every time he refused and said he would stick by me forever.  He even signed a letter to this effect.

I get where he’s coming from, if it was me, I might do the same thing.  I get that it’s really hard to watch the mood swings and be worried that the next time you see me might be in a coffin.  But he did promise he was in this for the long haul.  I am utterly distraught.  So, what do I do?  Do I just try to get over this and don’t date until I’m sure I’m emotionally stable?  Do I try to get him back?  Do I wait until I’m stable, and then try and get him back?   Do I just enjoy being single for a while?  Do I kill myself (kidding)?  Seriously, what do I do? ~Looking for Balance~

Dear LFB: Firstly, the Bitter Single Guy wants to dampen his normally chipper responses a little to provide some pointed advice. The BSG believes that suicidal ideations (including jokes about them) are always to be taken seriously. While the BSG himself doesn’t have the array of daily difficulties that you are working through LFB, his first response is that if you are having suicidal thoughts, please get professional help right away. That’s the final game changer in your letter: the one from which there is no recovery.

That aside, the BSG wants to say that he appreciates the uphill battle you have against these disorders. Mental health is stigmatized in our society, which makes recovery and day-to-day life even harder than if you were suffering from more easily sympathizable disorders. Keep working LFB.

OK then…THAT aside, the BSG is going to provide advice for your relationship just as he would for someone without your extra hurdles. Here goes:

• At 20, you’ve had the same boyfriend since you were what…16?
• For the past 2.5 years of your 3.5 year relationship (that’s 71% of your total relationship time to day) you’ve been in a long-distance relationship.
• He’s leaving you and you’re devastated and (understandably) a little miffed that he’s gone back on his word to stay with you forever.

Welcome to the world of normal relationships, LFB. There are more people struck by lightning in cornfields than have stayed in relationships from their teenage years until they die. (by the way, the BSG also thinks that your point about the next time your BF sees you might be in a coffin is frankly a little selfish. Ask your therapist about that for more detail.)

It’s normal (and expected) that our personalities develop in our late teens and early twenties so that we become more of what we’re going to be, and it’s quite appropriate for people to grow apart even if they’ve signed contracts to stay together forever. Think about that contract for a moment. If, when presented with the contract, your boyfriend had said “I don’t think I can commit to forever”  how would you have reacted? Yeah, the BSG thinks you would have dumped him, too.

This is normal LFB and given the tough row you have to hoe, the BSG is actually pleased to help you see that you get to have all the normal ups and downs in love that the rest of us have. Yes, the BSG thinks you should get more emotionally stable before you decide to participate in a relationship again. Good luck, LFB. ~BSG~

My Boyfriend is Mad Because I Dumped Him

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I recently broke up with my bf of almost 4 years. We had a really good relationship and things were progressing towards marriage. We talked about engagement and kids, the whole nine yards.

As a result of all that talk of the future, I got somewhat cold feet, and asked him for a break, some time apart to let me think about us; there were some past issues relating to him protecting me. Sorry to end it short there. Otherwise, the story would get really really long. He was unwilling, but gave me that time. Two weeks into the break when I called him, he was acting like we had been broken up. That was so not my intention, but apparently he thought this was my slow rejection.

Eventually, that break turned into a breakup (surprise). I eventually came to the conclusion that I was ready to go 100% all in. No more feeling scared of the future.

To make a long story short, I asked him to get back together and he says no. I ask him why, and he says that I walk out on him too much, that my first impulse is to run away. BSG, why on earth is he thinking like this?

He says he can’t trust me anymore because he’s afraid that i’m going to end up walking out on him in our future when his parents die and his business goes bankrupt. We’re both 28. He may have showed my desire for a break as indecisiveness, but I explained to him over and over that that wasn’t the case. He starts point out all the other incidents in the past where he says i walked out on him: when we had an argument, I chose to walk away and return later on; when he was getting knee surgery, i took care of him for 2 months straight…one day i got really tired and cranky and couldn’t handle him whining and complaining, so i walked out of his bedroom…only to turn around and come right back inside and apologized for leaving the room.

He says he can’t trust me anymore and that he’s afraid to get his heart broken again. What’s the deal here? Is he seriously going to throw away a 4 year relationship because of this? I think it’s rather petty and in my head I think he’s being a child. Am I in the wrong? ~Ready Now~

Dear RN: The Bitter Single Guy absolutely understands how sometimes it’s important to step back and take stock of a situation before plunging in. The BSG thinks this is a logical and useful approach. The BSG also thinks this is an approach bound to create distrust in the person who got left behind.

Yup RN, the BSG is going to lean a little toward your Gilted Beau on this one. If you bailed on the relationship when he was all trusting and feeling good about you, then you did some serious damage to his ability to trust you. The BSG, if he were your Gilted Beau, would ask what has changed that should convince him that you’re not going to bolt again? If your impulse when you got cold feet was to dump him (which is what you did…in the typical parlance of relationships, “I need some time apart to think about us” means “I’m not brave enough to dump you directly, so I’m going to do it in stages”.) then what is going to happen the next time (and relationships, the BSG hears, are chock full of chances to get cold feet)?

RN if your Gilted Beau were to write to the BSG for advice after you ran out on the 4 year relationship, he would advise Gilted Beau to do exactly what he’s doing now. But the BSG is actually glad to have a chance to provide some advice for the other side of the coin! (that would be you, RN). OK, here’s what the BSG recommends. Say to Gilted Beau that you want a chance to earn his trust back and that you’d like to go out on a date with him. Get rid of that four-year-investment crapola, your investment in time doesn’t mean a thing if it’s an investment in a failing relationship.

Go out on some dates and let Gilted Beau start to feel comfortable again and if things go well, maybe you two can ramp back up to where you left off. But don’t expect that just because your feet have warmed back up that Gilted Beau should just welcome you back after you broke his heart.

~BSG~

Dumped By a Gamer

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I am going through a breakup and need an outsider’s eye because I’m kinda lost right now.

My ex and myself have been together for 2 ½ years and have basically been living together for that long.
The relationship started off amazing…we got along extremely well…but these past few months I have grown distant from him, physically and emotionally. I expressed to him that there were issues I had with the relationship (he is a big gamer and has said many times he is happiest when we’re sitting in the apt alone and he’s playing his game and I’m doing my own thing –and I enjoy the outside world, so that’s a problem lol)

I told him the game playing was an issue because I felt less important…so by him acting this way (among a couple other things) it kinda pushed me away, and turned me off.

Then one Saturday morning completely out of the blue, he breaks up with me and leaves (I mean completely out of the blue…he never voiced to me that anything was wrong…just a week before the break he was trying to buy me a laptop so we could play this game side by side online).

I later found out this new girl had started at his work that week and was flirting with him. I’m figuring he was getting attention that he wasn’t at home and jumped on the opportunity.It just boggles my mind though why someone would give up on 2 ½ years without even trying to fix it?

He then pulled the ol ‘I was only playing games because I was unhappy with us’…which is a complete lie, because he’s played games since we began dating, and why would he try time and time again to get me to play the games with him? He’s moved most of his stuff out (there is still quite a bit there), and has moved down the street…any insight as to why a person would move down the street??

I’m just so floored with this whole situation and feel completely lost. Any insight you can provide is appreciated! ~Can’t Believe It’s Over~

Dear CBIO: The Bitter Single Guy is sad to tell you that you’ve been dumped and there really isn’t any more to it than that. You’re working really hard to read nuance of intention into his actions: He’s moving down the street, he’s got someone new flirting with him, he says he was gaming because of the relationship when clearly that’s not true…these are all points of analysis that you’re hoping will refute the logic of the breakup and make it obvious that you haven’t been dumped.

Let go CBIO. Take a deep breath, take yourself out for a nice meal or a drink, find a friend (not a shared friend…one of yours) to commiserate with, and get about the business of getting over him. Two and a half years of (from his perspective) a relationship that doesn’t work isn’t something to continue investing in.

~BSG~

Sort of Broken Up

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been dating pretty non-stop for the past 11 years since my divorce. All of them were kind of long-distance relationships where we saw each other on weekends, and I always had my space and “freedom”. Then 4 mos ago,I met a guy who was absolutely tender, sweet and affectionate, and he looked after me. We spent three mos practically living together (he came over one night and never left ..) It was not a perfect relationship but it was perfectly normal and we both were very happy and most definitely in love. Then I started noticing all the classic symptoms of depression and withdrawl. I did not know what was going on, then he told me that it was his job (he is 100% commission sales person, and in this economy, I can only imagine what it is like having a job like that ..) But still I was not able to relate to his situation completely and kept pushing (I have a highly-paid job and I am not patient ..) I felt rejected and in the same time, my legacy commitment phobia raised its head. I kept having long, drawn-out conversations, and we picked fights with each other. This went on for about a month and half. During which, I broke up with him two and half times, but every single time he came back and tried to make up.  But then I did not see the “necessary” improvement I wanted, I got upset again. Eventually I asked him to take all his stuff out of my place.  And finally he told me what was going on – besides his dead-end job and ahole boss, he is still entangled in a complete financial diaster from the divorce (which was finalized a year before we met.)  And that a week a ago.
Before I left, we sat in his car and talked for two and half hours, and about many things (memories of past good time, what he did that hurt me, and what I did that was unreasonable, and why logically, it is the right decision for both of us not to date.) I gave him a hug and said: take good care of yourself.  He replied: why did you say that?  you don’t want to talk to me ever again?  I said: no, that is not what I meant. I am not like that.

Anyway, here is my pain:I broke up with him not because I did not care about him or did not want to be him anymore. I realized that due to the current circumstances (that his personal life is a mess) a new relationship and a demanding girlfriend is the last thing he needs to deal with right now.  But I am still so emotionally attached to him because the time we spent together, we were like family. I don’t want to date him now, but I also don’t want to lose him or cast him out of my life all together. Do I hope or at least pray that if his situation improves, we should both give it another try – absolutely.  But right now, I don’t know exactly what to do to accomplish seemingly contradicting goals – letting him know that I want to support him as a friend even that means giving him space and time, and reminding him that I still love and care for him.

He has txted me and called me apologizing for having hurt me and asking me how I was doing during past week.  I was not going to respond to any of it, but on Thur, I did pick up one call, and we talked for a while (about his job, my work, my weekend plan, etc.) He called me again Thur night, but no VM. I did not call back until last night. But he didn’t pick up. I did not leave a message (What do you say?)

Sorry for the long winding message – I am seeing a therapy now as I am “officially depressed”. But I am really curious to hear what SBG has to offer as alternative! ~On Again Off Again~

Dear OAOA: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you’re thinking too much about this (therapy will do that to you). Breakups are never easy even if they’re for the right reasons. You’re feeling a typically loss at the breakup even though you initiated it. Don’t make this guy’s life any more difficult by breaking up with him then refusing to let go.

If you want to get back together, you should think about what YOU’RE going to do to change…the BSG thinks you have made this all about your Charming Chap when in the BSG’s experience, it’s rare that breakups are anyone’s “fault”.

In short OAOA, break up or get back together, but stop stringing this guy along. ~BSG~

He Left

Dear Bitter Single Guy: So. My ex was never really an ex. We dated for about 7 months total, the only guy I have ever fallen for. He tells me “I’ll always be the rock in your life. I want you to know no matter what I’ll always be there. I know every man in your life had failed you but I won’t. I am 20 he is 28. We met each other’s family and had a really good relationship we were just never official. He was leaving to New York. Spent about 5 days a week together fought only 3 times total. Night before Valentines he is at his female friends house and I find out online (facebook). I get mad and start an argument I leave, he tells me I don’t understand because I’m young. He completely stops texting and calling. Three weeks later I get a text. “I had fun while I was in TX. I still care about you. I don’t want you to think that I don’t.”

Now he won’t talk to me wants nothing to do with me and is coming in town next weekend to hang out with my cousin and her boyfriend who are ten years younger than him and he met through me. I still love him and can’t move on I’ve dated other men but I just can’t get over him. I want him back but I know I’m stupid and I’m trying to move on but I want to believe that he will come back.. I don’t know what to think. Your advice please? ~Hoping Against Hope~

Dear HAH: The Bitter Single Guy is sad for you because you’re right…you’re being a little stupid and this relationship is over. A few key points:

• You say you were never official: Yes you were. Official relationships only require that a relationship exists and this one clearly existed.
• He’ll always be the rock in your life: The BSG wants you NEVER to believe this. Be your own rock.
• Don’t use logic: You never fought, his family liked you, he “still cares about you”. Logic makes for soul-less relationships.
• You’re angry: Of course you are, you got dumped (the BSG wants you to realize this) and you’re entitled to be angry. Own it, embrace it, in time the anger will pass.

~BSG~