The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Pursuing Mr. Cleverpants

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My life is full of odd, often funny situations but there is one that has stuck. I need a magic word to pull my brain to earth. I cannot divulge all the detail so hope it’s enough.

I met someone 25 yrs ago in my errant youth. He liked me I didn’t get it but also didn’t like his rather nasty family and I already had one of my own to contend with (worked for his father who was keen to get us together at the time). Nothing happened. We went separate ways then 5 yrs later unexpectedly saw him again and realized I liked him but timing was lousy. To make a long story short, over the years on occasion he magically reappeared. I didn’t really think about anything much, this has been one of many ‘stupid things young me did’ ‘that’s life’ stories. we had an inside joke of sorts and 1 year ago while getting ready to move I found something related to it and sent it to him via work with an irreverent note with no address etc etc. no.big.deal. I thought. I have no idea if he ever got it but after I sent it my brain went nuts. I couldn’t stop thinking, afraid he would magically appear somewhere like he used to – became moderately paranoid yet wanted him to (he hasn’t). A couple weeks after posting joke / note to him, I Googled my distinctive name for the first time to find a short black comedy about a couple with our names.??? I was completely wielded out. then googled mr cleverpants and discovered he had come to work on a couple of assignments in the country I was then living in whereupon I went over the edge (know zilch about his personal life). I have divorced, moved back to the city it all started in which was necessary but unhelpful, and to my relief we shift back overseas in a few months time. I am older/ potentially wiser and have spent a lot of time working out what I want as a result of having been unhappily married for 11 years. Now that i am happy again with space to think there is a voice in my head telling me I want to be with him. What utter crap. Please help me clear my head, nothing works. I am generally action-oriented so this is becoming a titch stressful. What do you think – certifiable or just 98th mid-life crisis? What does one do (gardening being out)? ~Spinning in Circles~

Dear SIC: The Bitter Single Guy isn’t exactly sure what the hell you’re talking about, but he’ll take a stab at it because frankly, your letter cracked him up a little.

The gist of your sitch, as far as the BSG can tell, is that you had an on-again-off-again attraction to a guy starting when you met him about 25 years ago. The BSG will hazard a guess that you were attracted to him, but weren’t sure why or weren’t comfortable with the attraction, so it stayed in odd fantasy mode.

Then, you find yourself in 11 years of unhappy married life and your brain (which, like so many brains, doesn’t always listen to reason) keeps reminding you of this guy because frankly a decade of unhappiness would make any brain play reruns of happier times.

Now you’ve escaped the unhappy marriage and so clearly your brain thinks you should rekindle whatever the hell you had with this guy. This is all totally logical and the BSG understands how you could get there. However, this whole “he magically appears” is leaving way too much up to chance and the BSG wants to remind you that this has been unfolding for a quarter of a century. It’s time to step up to the plate, SIC. Here’s the plan:

You stop Googling yourself and Mr. Cleverpants looking for star-crossed coincidences. Instead you send a direct note to Mr. Cleverpants, including your contact information. In this note, you say “Hey, we hung out once and I’d like to hang out again. Fancy a pint?”

At that point, your relationship with Mr. Cleverpants will exit your non-helpful brain and enter the real world. You may find that Mr. C isn’t interested, or you may find that he’s interested, but a bit of a bore. You may even find that he’s interested and that the real-life version of him is actually quite different (having lived through his own separate 25 years since you met him) than the version of him that your brain has been clutching like a tattered teddy bear.

Yup…step up to the plate, SIC. You’ve been warming up in the batter’s box for 25 years. At this point a swing-and-a-miss will at least let you move on.

~BSG~

Should She Boot Him?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been in a relationship with the same guy for a decade and a half.

I have been engaged to this same guy for about six years, right after I graduated college. We had a rough patch while I was in college due to mistrust of my friends on his part, and my perspective that he wasn’t  trusting me. We have slowly been trying to repair the damage that experience caused both of us,  and frankly at this point I have no idea how well we have done with that any more. Some days seem better than others. It may be important to say that while we went to college at the same time, he dropped out about a year into the whole experience and I graduated. At the time we got engaged, we were both unemployed and agreed to not get married until we could afford to live together and not to live together until we were both legally employed full time.

He hasn’t had any sort of over the table job since he quit his last one in October ’07. I have been
helping him out with his finances since then to the tune of about 500 a month.  Two months ago I got my first place and was shocked when he moved in; since we had agreed that he wouldn’t move in until he had a job.  I had asked him repeatedly throughout the process if he intended to stick to his end of our agreement, and each time he said yes, and kept on telling me that right up until he helped me move and then started moving his stuff in. When I called him on this he said he was going to be better able to find a job at my place rather than his mother’s house where he and his brother have been living.

At this point I am willing to bet my car that he hasn’t looked anywhere for a job, and while he donates SOME money (his food stamps) for groceries, I pay for EVERYTHING else.  Moreover he keeps on ignoring all requests I make that might lessen the costs of the utilities (turn off lights, tvs, fans, space heaters etc.) This all is on top of the 500 a month I am still covering of his stuff, and EVERY time I try to talk about trimming our expenses and usage he blows me off and makes me feel guilty for even bringing it up.

I can’t help but resent all this. Especially since he seems to need a great deal of time alone, which means that I spend a great deal of time alone in my bedroom so he can spend his time playing with my cat, and messing around online? He doesn’t treat me with respect, and seems to expect me to do the cooking and the dishes, and any cleaning doesn’t involve creatively rearranging his stuff. He doesn’t listen to me, and has a hissy fit every time I can’t hear what he mutters over the constant hum of the TVs/computer/fans/space heaters.  I KNOW that if our positions were reversed, If I were living off his income for a number of years,  constantly asking for more money, and did NOTHING to make up for the expenses I was using, I would be called a gold-digging bitch. Hell, I’ve heard him say the same of women his brother/cousins/friends that were doing the same.  I warned him that I would end up resenting him and the relationship if I were the sole support for both of us. He constantly lies to his family about when the wedding date is and expects me to back him up rather than tell the truth about why there is no wedding date, and after all this time I really don’t know if I want to get married to him if this is how it’s going to be. Every time I ask him about the job hunting, or give him possible leads to jobs he gets angry. I feel used, unwanted, unwelcome in my own home and in general unloved. As a guy, what would you recommend as a course of action? Have I somehow emasculated him? Am I just being a doormat? Am I being unreasonable? ~A Very Depressed Girlfriend~

Dear AVDP: You’re being a doormat. Dump him.

The BSG knows that the voice in your head (that seems to be in all of our heads at varying volumes) will tell you that you’ve got 15 years invested with this loser so you can’t give up now. The BSG recommends asking that voice whether, after two weeks with the flu, it thinks you should keep the flu because you’ve already got two weeks invested. Similarly, if you bought a beautiful new car off the showroom floor and drove it for 15 years, shit would start to fall off of it. At what point of leaving you stranded, broken air conditioning, torn seats and rattly wheels would you sell the damned thing to some sucker more desperate than you are?

That’s it AVDP; dump him. ~BSG~

Is Married on Facebook the Same as Regular Married?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I meet someone online. It started as friends then we started talking about the future. He asked me to marry him. Take note: We were not in relationship. Just flirting. He keeps asking me to marry him every day. Eventually, I joked, “Sure. Lets skip the bf-gf thing and go direct to marriage”.

After that I love you’s were swapped occasionally. Like I said, This is long distance. We talk about anything. He confide to me all his innermost thoughts about family and all. We made plans. Then he went cold. Day later, He confessed that he slept with someone else and that He love me. Sex was nothing. I was furious. Deleted him and stopped talking to him.

He chased me back. The I love you’s and pleading got into me so I gave in and give him another chance. Week later he told me he’d marry me and he will love me forever. Two days later he told me he has a new gf and it’s not serious. I said ok. I blocked him and let go.

Almost a month later, he message me that he was sorry. He said that I am a very special person and unique blah blah. I didn’t reply. Two weeks after that I added him back in fb. I saw his in relationship status. Days after the add, his gf name appear on the said stat. I got a bit angry so I changed my relationship stat to in relationship to a friend. It was a fake relationship.

Weeks later, I changed my stat to engaged for a few hours then change it back to in relationship. Other friends congratulate me for the said “engagement”. Next day, I check in at a cathedral. He must also have read the post saying that I’ll be spending christmas to my fake bf friend. Then I found him online in msn for two days. He has no other friend other than me. I didn’t said hi. I didn’t even greeted him at his bday.

Next day I read on his fb that he is married with his post that he is happy and can’t wait to start a future with his wife. I posted belated happy bday. He blocked me. I emailed him saying he doesn’t need to blocked me just coz he is married. Next day, He deactivated his fb. His gf or wife deactivated her fb too but before that I saw her changed her lastname to his lastname.

The thing is, back when we were together. We also fooled around and made our fb relationship stat to married. I don’t know for sure if he is married for real but one thing is for sure I am still not over him.

What should I do? Do you think he is happily married? Does he love me still? I need your brutal honest. HELP!? Thanks in advance. ~Facebook Diva~

Dear FD: Are you kidding the Bitter Single Guy with this crap? This guy cheats on you, dates someone else, MARRIES someone else and you’re not sure what you should do so instead you get all passive-aggressive on Facebook by faking your own relationship status and friending-unfriending him? The BSG wonders what you think is going to happen if this all “works out”…do you think after all this madness that any sort of relationship would be anything but a nightmare? The BSG wants you to back away and have no more contact with Facebook Man. Otherwise, you both deserve what you get. ~BSG~

Her Best Friend and Her Sister

Dear Bitter Single Guy: So, my sisters and I (we’re quads) have one best guy friend. My oldest sister has a crush on him and she has told him how she feels, but they’re not going to act on it or anything as we go to two different colleges in two different states.

But, since she has told him how she feels, he’s been distant from the rest of us. I don’t have a problem if my friend and my sister date, but I do have a problem if he doesn’t talk or hang out with me anymore. He barely ever replies to my skype/text messages because he’s always talking to her.

He doesn’t come around the house to hang out anymore, and anything important about him that I would like to know (like where he decides to go to college) he will tell only her, and she will “forget” to tell us until later.

I’m really fed up with this as I don’t feel like he’s really my friend anymore. And I’m really upset about this because he’s literally the only friend I have.

I have spoken to the both of them about this before, and it was ok for about a week, then it went back to him never talking to me or wanting to hang out. What should I do? ~Missing My Friend~

Dear MMF: The Bitter Single Guy checked his extensive archives and has confirmed that he’s never received a quadruplet-related question before! Of course the BSG is assuming your reference to “quads” is to quadruplets and not to quadriplegics because well…that would just be wrong. Wrong on so many levels. So rather than try to work through that mess, the BSG will just assume you mean 4 children from one birth. Please, if the BSG is wrong, write back. He’s not sure that his answer will be different, but the BSG strives for accuracy as much as possible.

OK MMF, the BSG isn’t going to have great news for you here. First of all, if you and your three sisters  have one best guy-friend that’s a pretty heavy load for poor Goober (the BSG isn’t sure why he’s chosen this name, but it seems to work). The BSG wants you to read up a little on the festive medieval practice of being drawn and quartered for a happy-fun visual.

Just like romantic relationships, friendships evolve. If it weren’t your older sister who proclaimed her attraction and claimed Goober’s attention, it would have been some other girl. Or a job. Or college. Or an all-consuming comic book hobby. We all move into and out of relationships at different levels, MMF.

So here’s the BSG’s recommendation: Tell Goober that you miss him. Tell him that you care about him. Then go about your life. Make other friends, hang out with your sisters, have fun in college. The BSG assumes that folks are still aware of the old adage about letting something go if you love it, and it will come back to you or some such nonsense. The short version of this adage is this question: Do you really want a friend who communicates with you and spends time with you out of guilt?

He’ll find you when he wants to, MMF. Granted, that may be years from now in whatever Facebook becomes in 2020, but you can’t control that. ~BSG~

Like Jersey Shore, Minus the Screaming and Violence

Yo BSG! Here’s the deal: my friendship with one of my best guy friends is a big pile of crap. He claims he loves me and I’m the only girl he’s ever had “real” feelings for. He talks about heavy future stuff, and says all the right stuff when we’re together. But the next day, he runs away, and will be with a new girl shortly after. When the whole cycle repeats itself, he claims he was scared, and that the girls are hitting on him. If I ask him to commit, he avoids it by insisting he wants me (and surprisingly it doesn’t appear he just wants sex). However, he will commit to new girls he hardly knows. And to top it off, he won’t let us just be friends, which I’ve insisted on. It’s hard to avoid him without giving up our entire circle of friends. It sounds silly, but in the moment it’s so intense and emotional that I can’t walk away. I feel like I want to resolve it and talk through it so we can get back to being friends, but it never gets resolved.

What do I say to end the conversation once and for all? Apparently I need both internal dialogue to myself (because it’s embarrassing that I keep falling for it) as well as a definitive/short/concise statement I can give him when he tries to “talk.” I feel like Sammi and Ronnie on Jersey Shore, minus the screaming and violence. And hate who I’ve lowered myself to. Advice? Be harsh, I think I need it. ~Ready for Tough Love~

Dear RTL: The Bitter Single Guy laughed out loud (LOL as the kids are calling it these days) about your Jersey Shore reference. The BSG himself doesn’t watch Jersey Shore, but appreciates the dynamic between those vibrant characters.

Looking for the tough advice? Here it is RTL: You’re a tool.

You’re letting this Waffling Willy keep you as his safe emotional harbor while he ventures out in search of new adventures, and when those adventures don’t work out he always knows he can come back to you. Stop waiting for him to do something differently…why would he, anyway? He’s got you all wrapped up where he wants you.

Being friends sometimes means setting (and keeping) boundaries. Don’t talk to him about your relationship because he obviously doesn’t want to. But don’t engage in ANY conversations about how he wants you or loves you or other such nonsense. Simply don’t have the conversations. If he persists, walk away. When Waffling Willy can behave like an actual friend then welcome him back.

Two warnings RTL:

If you can’t handle setting this boundary for him, then you’ll have to spend some time away from your circle of mutual friends. Be honest with them: “Waffling Willy keeps stringing me along and I can’t handle it anymore so I’m going to disappear for awhile.” Let the circle of friends police Willy’s behavior a little.

Once you set this boundary that he can’t come back and get tangled up in you again, you’ll become WAY more attractive to him and he’ll increase the heat because suddenly you’ll be the new adventure to chase!

Firm boundaries, RTL. Don’t be a tool. ~BSG~