The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Dating a Bad Boy

Hello Bitter Single Guy: I am a good girl, 21, don’t do drugs, only slept with 1 one guy in a serious relationship. But I have a thing for bad boys. This one bad boy I resisted for months and months because everyone had warned me away from him saying he was bad news.

He is 30, has multiple tattoos, has probably slept with multiple women, has a Harley, used to be a drug dealer, and is a total charmer/player. I knew all this from the beginning, but couldn’t help still feeling attracted to him. We eventually hooked up at a music festival where he tells me that he’s ‘been looking for a gf for awhile and wants it to be me’. I was totally shocked because I thought that he was only after me for sex and think well maybe I will be the one to change this bad boy.

I warn him at the start saying don’t fuck me over, I’m a good girl and I know what you’re like. He assured me ‘you do right by me, I do right by you’, ‘you’re not a girl I would play’, and that he meant what he said about the girlfriend thing. So I see him for 2 months, meet his mother (who he still lives with!) and everything is going really well. I trust him because he assured me at the beginning that he would do right by me.

I hold off having sex with him, firstly because I haven’t been in an intimate relationship for 2 years. And secondly because he said he’s mainly had flings of 3 or 4 months where they haven’t done it for him in the end. He has also slept with one of my friends 3 years ago, who she said lost interest as soon as she slept with him.

Last Friday night he was meant to come see me and we would go out for dinner. But he messages me the day before saying sorry but he has to hang out with his dad this weekend and won’t be able to see me. He says that he is heaps pissed off coz he really wanted to see me. At first I think, oh no this is the start, is there another girl? But then I think no, I trust him.

I end up getting a call Friday night from my friend saying that apparently people saw him the weekend before ‘dry humping’ quite disgustingly a girl on the dance floor at a pub. I couldn’t believe it, my heart was beating so fast and I felt sick. I trusted this guy! I knew it was too good to be true!

I hang up and try calling him. No answer. I msg him saying ‘Hey can u call me back when u can please xo’ Still no answer next day (sat). I call him again, still no answer. All I want is to hear his side of the story! So I msg him saying ‘Hey, I know u hooked up with Torrie. I told you at the start that I don’t wanna be fucked over. I really liked u and thought u were a nice guy and would really like to hear your side of the story.”

(Sunday) still no answer, by this time I am so hurt and upset. All the things this guy said to me was a lie and because I didn’t give him what he wanted he went elsewhere. I couldn’t believe someone could be so heartless to not even reply to me to say it’s over. I met his mother for Christ’s sake! And he told me he wanted me to be his gf straight at the beginning coz he knew that would keep me interested!

I am so angry and hurt and betrayed, so I send him the most hurtful message I could construct. “O grow some balls and be man enough to reply to me. I can’t believe I fell for your load of crap the whole time. You know every trick in the book. You told me exactly what I wanted to hear to lure me in and get a fuck. Well I’m sorry that I’m a rare good girl and couldn’t give u what u wanted but guys like u only deserve to be with whores. Everyone was right and I knew I should have listened. Congratulations, you played me. Grow a heart.”

I felt pretty good after I sent that! This is the first time I have ever been hurt and to think all the time we spent together was all a lie was terrible.

So Monday, I finally get something out of him. “Hey. how are you?” I was like wtf?! How the fuck do u think I am!!! I was thinking is this a trick?? I was so confused!! I didn’t reply to the msg coz I was just so angry, there was no ‘I’m sorry’ in it or anything.

Then that night he finally rings me. I answer and he says that he hasn’t done anything wrong. He was just dancing with her he says. They didn’t hook up, he says. I said u were dry humping her! How can you not hook up with her?! He was like well I can’t remember if we did. I said why didn’t u return my call Friday night?? And my messages?? I said this weekend has been absolute hell for me!!

He said he was with his dad all weekend and didn’t want to get into it while he was with him. I said u still could have replied to me!! I said how can I believe anything u say? I can’t trust you! I said u told me u wanted me to be your gf just so u could string me along to get a fuck! He’s like but we didn’t even have sex! I said yeah so u went somewhere else! He’s like I didn’t have sex with her, my mate ended up going home with her, I went home to bed by myself! I kept saying I can’t believe anything u say. He’s like I do want u to be my gf! Why would I come and visit you if I didn’t? He’s like you can trust me, believe me! I didn’t do anything! I said I was stupid to think I could change you; he’s like u can change me! I wanna be with you! I said but all u want is sex, that’s what you’ve done to all the other girls you’ve been with. He said yeah maybe in the past, but not with you, I don’t care about that, I wanna be with you. Then he said he wants to talk about this in person and I finally agree for him to come see me. So now we come to present day.

So BSG, I am so confused. I really like him, but how do I know he is telling the truth? How can I ever trust him again? ~Good Girl~

Dear GG: So much going on here, the Bitter Single Guy wants to break it into sections. By the way, the BSG doesn’t usually answer letters this long (1200 words, GG. 1200.), but something about your letter caught his eye and he had a little extra time today.

1. Being 30, having tattoos and riding a Harley doesn’t make anyone a bad boy (or girl). The BSG rides a Harley and is usually a pleasant person. Being a former drug dealer is better than being a current drug dealer, but the BSG still thinks this should have been a red flag.
2. GG, did Bad Boy actually say that he didn’t remember if he had sex with Dry-Hump Girl? In your letter he once says he didn’t remember and once that he didn’t do it. The BSG has to say, if he actually says that he can’t remember whether or not he had sex with Dry-Hump Girl, you’re done. Done, the BSG says. You’re not negotiating, not compromising, not discussing. Done. SO many reasons for this.
3. Even if he didn’t have sex with Dry-Hump Girl, you’re exactly correct for believing that it’s inappropriate for a man you’re dating to dry-hump some other girl on the dance floor, even if you and he have not had sex yet, unless you’ve negotiated some weird condition that he can get nookie elsewhere while you’re getting acquainted. Don’t laugh, the BSG has seen some wild variations on relationships but you know…whatever works, right?
4. The BSG agrees with you about the communication thing. Even if he was spending time with his dad over the weekend, if he has such great regard for you and wants you to be his girlfriend so badly, then you deserve a response. This indicates a future pattern of him going dark on important conversations or (even more desirable in a mate) claiming not to remember whether or not he had sex with another girl (again, if he said he can’t remember: you’re D O N E ).
5. Finally GG, the BSG has to tell you that you deserve ALL of this. Yes, the BSG said it and he stands by his statement. Early on you actually say that maybe you’re the one to change this bad boy. Really, GG? Who are you, a missionary to the bad boys of the world? You’re going to change them one by one by denying them easy sex and asking them to communicate responsibly? Hell with that. There’s a lot of reasons that bad boys are attractive, and every time you give into the attraction, you better expect a bad-boy experience…which, by the way, is exactly what you’re getting here GG.

The BSG recommends cutting Bad Boy loose if you want to maintain your Good Girl status (not necessarily a given, but that seems important to you) and mostly if you want to engage in a responsible, healthy, adult relationship instead of this high school crap. ~BSG~

Friends With Benefits or Just Friends?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: So let’s just get straight to it. I was in a show with a guy a year ago and I was definitely attracted to him (he’s 15 years older than me, hold onto that) and we saw each other every day because of being in the show together. The show ended and we started hanging out occasionally at other shows, concerts, etc.

Then New Years came around and we went to a mutual friends’ party. We ended up making out in the rain (should sound romantic but actually it was freezing) after the party and that was the first time I had gotten the impression that he might “like me”.

However, the next day he sent me a bunch of text messages saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship and that he & his GF of 3 years had just broken up 6 months earlier and he was still dealing with that. And I was like “hold up, we are not talking about this via text can I come over?” So I did. We ended up talking for a few hours; I explained that while I liked him I hardly knew him so dating him immediately was not even on my radar. We talked about his past experience, I assured him that I was not entering “Now you have to date me because we made out” ground and things were fine. We then spent a significant amount of time making out until 1 am.

Since then we spent the next six months hanging out occasionally (several times a month) and every time we’d see each other he’d kiss me goodnight. We’d have fun with his friends, or mine. Something that always bugged me is I would always make it a point to go to his shows or concerts, all of them, and he’s never made it to any of mine and I’ve been in a lot since we first met! When we weren’t hanging out he didn’t text, call, etc. But when we hung out he was so talkative, always asking about all the things he’d missed, etc. So this was going off and on up until late summer where he came to my birthday party. He hung out with all my friends, brought me a birthday gift, kissed me goodnight. Seemed like we were exactly where we were a year earlier. But oh well.

Then from that day to now we’ve seen each other just a handful of times, I’ve still gone to his shows with my friends and he’s still yet to come to any of mine promising he’d “come to the next one!”. The times I’ve seen him since he hasn’t kissed me or anything…but things are really fun with his friends whom I adore and he has a great time with mine.

I guess…what am I doing? Immediately we were in a place where I thought, we’re going to get to know each other and re-evaluate from there…but now over a year has passed and nothing’s changed. I also just learned that last February (not last month but a year ago) he asked out a girl at a concert of his that I was at (she shot him down). I just found this out last week–that concert, I WAS AT, and he kissed me goodnight AND that was only a month after our New Years make out/talk.

I really like his friends, I like his concerts, I like hanging out with him…but do I just forget all the other stuff that happened? Do I try to talk about it? What do you think? ~Shamelessly Hanging On~

Dear SHO: The Bitter Single Guy knows how mixed messages can get you to thinking things are going one way when they’re actually going another. The BSG thinks that Reluctant Randy is unwilling or unable to step up and tell you whether he wants to date you or not. And gracious SHO, why should he have to? Here he has this attractive young woman who shows up to see him, spend time with he and his friends, and with whom he gets to make out every now and then. In the meantime he’s free to pursue whatever love interest he’s ACTUALLY interested in.

SHO, the BSG hates to tell you but you’re a bit of a doormat here. Don’t let Reluctant Randy’s inability and insecurities step all over you anymore. Make other plans, ask someone else out, don’t go hang out with his friends. It won’t seem like a breakup because it probably never felt like a relationship; but the BSG is pretty sure that you thought of it that way. For that reason, you’ll find yourself missing his friends…your friends may ask about Reluctant Randy…all the things that would normally go with a breakup. Wrap it up and spend some time with someone willing to spent real time with you, not just opportunistic make-out time. ~BSG~

The Had Cake

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years. We live together…we pay bills together. It…was… pretty serious.

But my boyfriend likes to take what he calls, “breaks”…which are not breaking up…but they mean that he, “needs his space” and to “find himself”. I am tired of breaks. We have been together this long, and we are now going through our…THIRD break.

These magical periods usually consist of him telling me to leave him alone… me getting upset and wanting to talk… Him telling me that it does no good to talk…and then…the arguing happens.

I’m tired of arguing. I’m tired of being told that I’m stupid and clingy. I’m tired of not having sex… ( sorry if it’s tmi) I’m tired of feeling alone.

The only conclusion that I have come to is to try to shut my mouth and walk away when we argue. I am a fixer, and it’s really hard for me to let go of something when I know it can be resolved. But I can’t help thinking that walking away while he yells at me and slams the door in my face makes me what he wants me to be…a doormat. I don’t want to be a doormat anymore. I have spent my entire life getting trampled over, and I’m sick of it.

My friends have all told me to leave. I’m still here. I have been trying to go out and be independent and trying to have fun. But when I stay out too late…or stay over at a friend’s…he gets angry and suspicious. Which…I know is stupid because he tells me not to sit at home up his ass…so I go out. I don’t necessarily like going out because I’m the type of girl that would rather sit at home with her dogs and play halo. Lol. I’m not a big socialite.

But I do know the smell of bullshit. I know he expects me to give him space, be independent, go out, shut up, and give him time. But he doesn’t do those things for me. When he goes over to hang with his friends and either shows up late or doesn’t show up at all…I can’t say anything. If I do he freaks out. When he gets mad at me he blows up in my face and doesn’t let me say a word. When I go to a place and a guy happens to be there ( of no interest to me ever) he gets jealous and possessive.

I don’t like cake eaters…especially one that I’ve been with for this long. Someone that…when we’re not on a break tells me he wants to marry me and have kids with me. Who helps me…takes up for me…makes me laugh…and loves me.

Like I said, BSG, I have gone through thus enough times to know that the break thing never goes as planned. So…what should I do? Should I leave? Stay with it? Or just wait it out? Please help!!! I love this person more than my own life. I don’t know what to do. ~I’m Not Cake~

Dear INC: The Bitter Single Guy knows you wrote once before and he’s sorry he can’t get to all the letters that come to him, but he appreciates you coming back.

INC, the BSG doesn’t understand why you’re in this relationship still. Let’s break it down:

• You’re tired of “breaks” from the relationship when your boyfriend needs space
• You’re tired of no sex (not too much info, INC…it’s an important part of relationship health)
• You’re tired of arguing
• You’re tired of being told that you’re stupid and clingy
• You’re tired of feeling alone

Sounds exhausting frankly. The BSG thinks you should dump Willy Waffler and reclaim some self esteem. ~BSG~

Dating a Grown-Up Child

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’ve realized that I’m dating a child. We’ve been together for 7 months, and we enjoy each other’s company, I love him, and he’s very sweet to me. The problem (and all our problems) lie in the fact that he’s 27, lives at home with his parents, and while he works full time, he somehow wastes away all of his money and is constantly broke (and he makes twice as much as I do and I live on my own.)

It affects our relationship because he asks to borrow money (which I do not lend him) and constantly has to cancel plans because he can’t afford to do anything. It’s ridiculous to me that he has no adult skills in responsibility, and is nowhere near being able to handle himself on his own. He’s good at doing what he’s told to do, but not at independently choosing to do it. His big problem lies in that he brought up moving in together next year, and seemed to have take a lot of steps towards preparing himself for that, and then last week over drafted his checking account, again, and now another two weeks will go by without us being able to do anything that costs money.

How can I seriously share an apt with someone like that? It’s really sad to me to lose out on a sweet guy that I love simply because he’s financially stupid. ~Not Ready for Motherhood~

Dear NRM: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you’ve got the right idea and just need to take it a little further. This is not about dating someone who’s financially irresponsible, this is about dating someone who generally irresponsible. The BSG should stress here that he’s ALL about irresponsibility when someone else is paying the bill.  But there are consequences, such as not getting to date a cool responsible chick such as you. Do you want to pay the bill for his irresponsibility, NRM?

Tell Party Boy that you’re not going to entertain moving in together until he demonstrates that he can be financially responsible, because you’re not prepared to become the only financially responsible one in your home. Once you say this to Party Boy, you’ll hear the sounds of your own parents in your voice and you’ll be appalled that it’s come to this.

If you and Party Boy move in together, it will be the end of your relationship because you’ll end up with nothing but contempt for him…the BSG thinks you’re pretty close to this now. The BSG recommends getting ready for your relationship to end, but if you think he’s salvageable, give him the chance to get his act together before you live with him. ~BSG~

Being the Other Woman

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I met a guy when he was single and we were both 22 (we worked together). He gave me his number we started hanging out and we would mess around, but no sex (I was a virgin) he seemed like he wasn’t ready for a relationship so I decided I would be his friend til he was ready and I down played my feelings for him so I didn’t look to eager thinking it would make me more appealing. He would ask to hang out come over I would say maybe next week, wouldn’t answer when he would call. He wanted to meet my parents I said no. (But I did like him) Then he tells me how he has met this other girl but she is heavy so he doesn’t like her but they start sleeping together.

I thought it was over between us but then he started calling me again I really liked him so I figured I would talk to him be his friend and when she was gone I would be there. I thought he was only with her because she had sex with him and I wouldn’t, so after a while I invited him to go out of town with me and lost my virginity to him. He didn’t break up with her but I really liked him he said he was going to leave her eventually I figured how much could he like her if he never stopped being with me. We continued to talk on the phone and see each other after work or when he could come to my house and we texted pictures as well as web-chatted.

Then after years of this they got engaged I was devastated but still held on. They married this year I figured it wouldn’t last because he has always been with me since the day they got together sadly even after they have been married he has slept with me(he is the only guy I have ever slept with even though it has been years) and we talk 1 or 2 times a week. (He no longer works at my job)

I love him and want him to be with me I cry because I feel like she is living the life that is supposed to be mine. I am bitter and alone. Is there anything I can do to get things back to the way they were before when he wanted me? I figure he must want me some to keep calling after all these years even though it is difficult because he is married. Please help! ~Missing Out on Life~

Dear MOL: The Bitter Single Guy is glad he chose your letter to answer this morning…as the BSG has said before, he receives way more letters than he can answer, so doesn’t get to them all. Yours needs answering, though.

First MOL, the BSG wants to tell you that his heart broke a little on your behalf as he read your letter. At first, when you described your early relationship with your Dastardly Dog (before he was so dastardly), the BSG thought this sounded like a typical case of young-love-and-heartbreak, but then the BSG kept reading (and remembered that no one’s heartbreak is “typical. Shame on the BSG.) MOL, the BSG really wants you to know that he has compassion for you and feels that you have been wronged here.

Now that’s out of the way, the BSG has some hard truths for you MOL. Are you ready?

You are a doormat and you’ve been a doormat for years.

The BSG wants you to get a therapist. Even if you can’t afford one (many company benefits programs include an Employee Assistance Program [EAP] that includes therapy sessions), there are community programs in most areas that can help. No, this isn’t the same as being chronically depressed, or hearing voices, but years MOL? You’ve been in this twisted love triangle for years!? Yeah, a therapist. NOW.

OK, the BSG will assume that you went and found a therapist and made an appointment and have now come back for the rest of the advice here.

As the BSG was saying, you’re a doormat. Years ago, you didn’t give up the booty and you became convinced that this was why Dastardly Dog was interested in the other girl, so logically you gave it up! And have apparently continued giving it up throughout his marriage so far…does the BSG have it right here? Doormat, doormat, doormat.

MOL, you’re letting Dastardly Dog use you, and the BSG is all riled up now. Don’t make him come over there. OK, here’s the bottom line(s):

1. Dastardly Dog will NEVER leave his wife for you. Why should he? He’s got her AND apparently everything he needs from you.
2. He didn’t choose her because you didn’t put out in your early relationship. He chose her because he loved her and he either didn’t love you or didn’t love you enough. The BSG knows that’s tough to hear, but it’s just the truth.
3. Your life will be miserable and you will be a doormat until you pull the plug. He never will (refer to #1 above). The BSG wants you to head down to your local video store and rent Sunshine Cleaning which has a sub-plot remarkably like your life. Note how Amy Adams dumps her Dastardly Dog. Copy her.
4. Tell your new therapist all the things you’ve told the BSG (and more), (s)he’ll be able to help you dig up whatever shreds of self-esteem you have left so you can get an actual relationship and give up your doormat days forever.

Good luck MOL, the BSG and his readers look forward to hearing how things work out.

~BSG~