The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

The Had Cake

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years. We live together…we pay bills together. It…was… pretty serious.

But my boyfriend likes to take what he calls, “breaks”…which are not breaking up…but they mean that he, “needs his space” and to “find himself”. I am tired of breaks. We have been together this long, and we are now going through our…THIRD break.

These magical periods usually consist of him telling me to leave him alone… me getting upset and wanting to talk… Him telling me that it does no good to talk…and then…the arguing happens.

I’m tired of arguing. I’m tired of being told that I’m stupid and clingy. I’m tired of not having sex… ( sorry if it’s tmi) I’m tired of feeling alone.

The only conclusion that I have come to is to try to shut my mouth and walk away when we argue. I am a fixer, and it’s really hard for me to let go of something when I know it can be resolved. But I can’t help thinking that walking away while he yells at me and slams the door in my face makes me what he wants me to be…a doormat. I don’t want to be a doormat anymore. I have spent my entire life getting trampled over, and I’m sick of it.

My friends have all told me to leave. I’m still here. I have been trying to go out and be independent and trying to have fun. But when I stay out too late…or stay over at a friend’s…he gets angry and suspicious. Which…I know is stupid because he tells me not to sit at home up his ass…so I go out. I don’t necessarily like going out because I’m the type of girl that would rather sit at home with her dogs and play halo. Lol. I’m not a big socialite.

But I do know the smell of bullshit. I know he expects me to give him space, be independent, go out, shut up, and give him time. But he doesn’t do those things for me. When he goes over to hang with his friends and either shows up late or doesn’t show up at all…I can’t say anything. If I do he freaks out. When he gets mad at me he blows up in my face and doesn’t let me say a word. When I go to a place and a guy happens to be there ( of no interest to me ever) he gets jealous and possessive.

I don’t like cake eaters…especially one that I’ve been with for this long. Someone that…when we’re not on a break tells me he wants to marry me and have kids with me. Who helps me…takes up for me…makes me laugh…and loves me.

Like I said, BSG, I have gone through thus enough times to know that the break thing never goes as planned. So…what should I do? Should I leave? Stay with it? Or just wait it out? Please help!!! I love this person more than my own life. I don’t know what to do. ~I’m Not Cake~

Dear INC: The Bitter Single Guy knows you wrote once before and he’s sorry he can’t get to all the letters that come to him, but he appreciates you coming back.

INC, the BSG doesn’t understand why you’re in this relationship still. Let’s break it down:

• You’re tired of “breaks” from the relationship when your boyfriend needs space
• You’re tired of no sex (not too much info, INC…it’s an important part of relationship health)
• You’re tired of arguing
• You’re tired of being told that you’re stupid and clingy
• You’re tired of feeling alone

Sounds exhausting frankly. The BSG thinks you should dump Willy Waffler and reclaim some self esteem. ~BSG~

Dating a Grown-Up Child

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’ve realized that I’m dating a child. We’ve been together for 7 months, and we enjoy each other’s company, I love him, and he’s very sweet to me. The problem (and all our problems) lie in the fact that he’s 27, lives at home with his parents, and while he works full time, he somehow wastes away all of his money and is constantly broke (and he makes twice as much as I do and I live on my own.)

It affects our relationship because he asks to borrow money (which I do not lend him) and constantly has to cancel plans because he can’t afford to do anything. It’s ridiculous to me that he has no adult skills in responsibility, and is nowhere near being able to handle himself on his own. He’s good at doing what he’s told to do, but not at independently choosing to do it. His big problem lies in that he brought up moving in together next year, and seemed to have take a lot of steps towards preparing himself for that, and then last week over drafted his checking account, again, and now another two weeks will go by without us being able to do anything that costs money.

How can I seriously share an apt with someone like that? It’s really sad to me to lose out on a sweet guy that I love simply because he’s financially stupid. ~Not Ready for Motherhood~

Dear NRM: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you’ve got the right idea and just need to take it a little further. This is not about dating someone who’s financially irresponsible, this is about dating someone who generally irresponsible. The BSG should stress here that he’s ALL about irresponsibility when someone else is paying the bill.  But there are consequences, such as not getting to date a cool responsible chick such as you. Do you want to pay the bill for his irresponsibility, NRM?

Tell Party Boy that you’re not going to entertain moving in together until he demonstrates that he can be financially responsible, because you’re not prepared to become the only financially responsible one in your home. Once you say this to Party Boy, you’ll hear the sounds of your own parents in your voice and you’ll be appalled that it’s come to this.

If you and Party Boy move in together, it will be the end of your relationship because you’ll end up with nothing but contempt for him…the BSG thinks you’re pretty close to this now. The BSG recommends getting ready for your relationship to end, but if you think he’s salvageable, give him the chance to get his act together before you live with him. ~BSG~

Being the Other Woman

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I met a guy when he was single and we were both 22 (we worked together). He gave me his number we started hanging out and we would mess around, but no sex (I was a virgin) he seemed like he wasn’t ready for a relationship so I decided I would be his friend til he was ready and I down played my feelings for him so I didn’t look to eager thinking it would make me more appealing. He would ask to hang out come over I would say maybe next week, wouldn’t answer when he would call. He wanted to meet my parents I said no. (But I did like him) Then he tells me how he has met this other girl but she is heavy so he doesn’t like her but they start sleeping together.

I thought it was over between us but then he started calling me again I really liked him so I figured I would talk to him be his friend and when she was gone I would be there. I thought he was only with her because she had sex with him and I wouldn’t, so after a while I invited him to go out of town with me and lost my virginity to him. He didn’t break up with her but I really liked him he said he was going to leave her eventually I figured how much could he like her if he never stopped being with me. We continued to talk on the phone and see each other after work or when he could come to my house and we texted pictures as well as web-chatted.

Then after years of this they got engaged I was devastated but still held on. They married this year I figured it wouldn’t last because he has always been with me since the day they got together sadly even after they have been married he has slept with me(he is the only guy I have ever slept with even though it has been years) and we talk 1 or 2 times a week. (He no longer works at my job)

I love him and want him to be with me I cry because I feel like she is living the life that is supposed to be mine. I am bitter and alone. Is there anything I can do to get things back to the way they were before when he wanted me? I figure he must want me some to keep calling after all these years even though it is difficult because he is married. Please help! ~Missing Out on Life~

Dear MOL: The Bitter Single Guy is glad he chose your letter to answer this morning…as the BSG has said before, he receives way more letters than he can answer, so doesn’t get to them all. Yours needs answering, though.

First MOL, the BSG wants to tell you that his heart broke a little on your behalf as he read your letter. At first, when you described your early relationship with your Dastardly Dog (before he was so dastardly), the BSG thought this sounded like a typical case of young-love-and-heartbreak, but then the BSG kept reading (and remembered that no one’s heartbreak is “typical. Shame on the BSG.) MOL, the BSG really wants you to know that he has compassion for you and feels that you have been wronged here.

Now that’s out of the way, the BSG has some hard truths for you MOL. Are you ready?

You are a doormat and you’ve been a doormat for years.

The BSG wants you to get a therapist. Even if you can’t afford one (many company benefits programs include an Employee Assistance Program [EAP] that includes therapy sessions), there are community programs in most areas that can help. No, this isn’t the same as being chronically depressed, or hearing voices, but years MOL? You’ve been in this twisted love triangle for years!? Yeah, a therapist. NOW.

OK, the BSG will assume that you went and found a therapist and made an appointment and have now come back for the rest of the advice here.

As the BSG was saying, you’re a doormat. Years ago, you didn’t give up the booty and you became convinced that this was why Dastardly Dog was interested in the other girl, so logically you gave it up! And have apparently continued giving it up throughout his marriage so far…does the BSG have it right here? Doormat, doormat, doormat.

MOL, you’re letting Dastardly Dog use you, and the BSG is all riled up now. Don’t make him come over there. OK, here’s the bottom line(s):

1. Dastardly Dog will NEVER leave his wife for you. Why should he? He’s got her AND apparently everything he needs from you.
2. He didn’t choose her because you didn’t put out in your early relationship. He chose her because he loved her and he either didn’t love you or didn’t love you enough. The BSG knows that’s tough to hear, but it’s just the truth.
3. Your life will be miserable and you will be a doormat until you pull the plug. He never will (refer to #1 above). The BSG wants you to head down to your local video store and rent Sunshine Cleaning which has a sub-plot remarkably like your life. Note how Amy Adams dumps her Dastardly Dog. Copy her.
4. Tell your new therapist all the things you’ve told the BSG (and more), (s)he’ll be able to help you dig up whatever shreds of self-esteem you have left so you can get an actual relationship and give up your doormat days forever.

Good luck MOL, the BSG and his readers look forward to hearing how things work out.

~BSG~

Do I Stop or Not?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I met and fell in love with someone about two years ago who I consider my soul mate.  She and I were in the process of ending our marriages, but hers was further along than mine. I lied about the status of mine because I knew it would mean us breaking up and I would potentially lose her.  She found out and I lost her.  After much soul searching and counseling, I called, apologized and told her that I was still in love with her.  She expressed her disappointment in me but her response was favorable.  Even to the point of her telling me that I have her number and that it was ok to call again. We began to talk regularly again and I began to get hope that we could get back together only to find out without her telling me that she had started seeing someone again.

The nature of the conversations prior to that point gave every indication that she was available to me (with obvious hesitation), but no mention of another guy.  This gutted me.  Since this discovery, we talk at least 4 times a week and she has revealed that she is still in love with me and wants to be with me, however she made a choice in spite of what she feels and I have to respect that.  But she is the one who calls and complains about the guy and even said he is not pleasing her sexually and asked if I had a problem giving her some to help her out.  I recently asked her what were her feelings for me and she went off on me, to later apologize and say that she does in fact love me but I am not allowed to ask her that again.  I believe the guy is a rebound, and believe that she really wants to be with me, but because I hurt her she is hesitant.  She doesn’t want me to go away (and I don’t either), but she from time to time says that I AM NOT RESPECTING HER RELATIONSHIP, but when I go radio silence she calls and declares her love and want for me.  I don’t know what to do. ~Bad Guy/Good Guy~

Dear BG/GG: You’re a tool and you’re being used. The Bitter Single Guy wants you to stop talking to this girl, and for the love of Pete, stop having sex with her.

~BSG~

Codependents Are Us

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I am only 15 but I am deeply in love with a girl. I love her more than anything in the world and we have been friends for a very long time. I’m really happy when she is, so I strive to make her happy. Is it OK to live your life for another person? Is this normal? ~I Live to Make her Happy~

Dear ILTMHH: The BSG wants you to go, right now, to your dictionary (every 15 year old should have one). Open that dictionary to the “c” section and look up codependent. The BSG will wait…

OK, ILTMHH, if your dictionary is anything like what the BSG found in his own dictionary, you probably see some mention of “psychologically dependent in an unhealthy way”.

Now look back at the part of your letter where you ask if it’s OK to live your life for another person. ILTMHH, take some time looking between that definition of codependent and your own letter. In case you’re not getting it… NO, it’s not OK to live your life for another person. If you’re LUCKY, all you’ll get is bitter and resentful. ~BSG~