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Horrible Heartbreak Part 5

August 9th, 2013 | No Comments | Posted in I'm A Tool

Some Awkward Nincompoopery
Part 5

Dear Readers, in the most recent installment of nincompoopery our hero SAN learned of Perfect Girl’s indiscretion, immediately following his own indiscretion. The BSG called him out a little for his hypocrisy, but mostly told him to get over himself. Here now is the conclusion of this ridiculously long letter.

Dear BSG: So I told her I could forgive her. And a month later made her my girlfriend again. Here I am now, 10 months after loosing the love of my life to a horrible person, I’m with her..but I feel like nothing is the same. She is the same person I fell in love with, but I don’t look at her like the angel I used to see. I still love her with all my heart. I feel like being with her though makes me feel like I have no self respect or pride. I bring it up randomly, and I feel as though we never go a day without talking (truthfully fighting) about it. My emotions are completely bipolar. She tells me she loves me and appreciates me more now. She says that what she did was necessary in helping her find out what she really wanted in a life long relationship. She explains how in doing so, she was able to find herself….but at the same time, I feel as though I lost myself. I have no control of anything. No matter what she says or does, it’s never enough to make me forget. I want to be with her, she’s the one. What do I do though? Is she really the ONE, or WAS she the one? How do I get over such a demoralizing reality? She hates when I want to talk about it, always saying, “are we really going to ruin the whole day we had,” “are we really going to fight about this again,” “why does that stuff matter, I’m with you now and this time I know you’re everything I want.” What she doesn’t realize is that, I’m still healing, and she doesn’t understand because she kept that from me so long and she herself got time to get over it, I never got that.

Will I ever be able to look at her like I used to? Will I ever accept the past? Will things ever actually be the same between us? I used to hate sleeping, because my dreams sucked compared to my life. Now it seems the other way around, like I’m living in a nightmare, but will I ever wake up? I’m lost. I have no direction. Am I in love with her? Or am I in love with how she used to be when she was mine the first time? I took pride in knowing I had a girl like her, and now, I feel as though I’m only with her because I think everything will just disappear, and one day I’ll wake up and everything will be how it used to be. I know there’s a million girls out there, but she’s the only one I would cross the road for to walk with. I’m messed up and confused..any thoughts or advice would help….what’s life if you can’t be with the one person always dreamed of loving? And what’s life if that person you dreamed of is long gone and the dream you had, will always be a dream?….

Dear SAN, the Bitter Single Guy has a lot to say here. You start by saying that things aren’t the same; she’s not the perfect angel she once was. SAN that’s correct…she was NEVER a perfect angel, you just chose not to see her as a regular fallible person. So if you have no more self respect or pride, the BSG thinks that’s totally your issue and NOT something you should be laying at Perfect Girl’s feet.

OK, you fight a lot because you’re having a tough time getting over the fact that she made THE SAME MISTAKE YOU DID. Whatever, the BSG doesn’t expect you to be perfect, but he does expect you to open your damned eyes. Yes SAN, it will take you time to get over her indiscretion. Have you asked her how she is doing getting over yours?

Honestly, SAN….the whole “I hated sleeping because my life was better than a dream and now I live in a nightmare” makes the BSG want to just call this as he sees it. You’re being a drama queen. Seriously SAN get over yourself. Here’s the gist;
No, your relationship with Perfect Girl won’t ever be the same, but it’s supposed to grow and evolve. In this case it’s evolving because you were both stupid, but evolution has come about for worse reasons.
If you used to take pride in having a Perfect Girl, you now need to learn to have pride in having (and being had by) a Normal Girl. This is a better deal for you.
If you are in this relationship because your’e waiting for it to be like it used to be, just get out now. This is like the people who get jobs working at their high school because they’re waiting for their life at 40 to feel just like their life did at 16. Seriously, it’s pathetic.

Honestly SAN, the BSG just doesn’t think this is going anywhere for you. You’re so wrapped up in some romance novel image of what your perfect relationship will be to the point that you think it’s going to stay perfect and unmoving until you both die.

You and Perfect Girl have had to deal with the reality of having a relationship…the ugly, sometimes painful, sometimes unsatisfying, sometimes dishonest parts of having a relationship. Decide to move forward as the people you are now, or split up. And seriously dude…stop being such a drama queen. You made this bed, so feel free to lie down and get comfy.

The BSG knows he’s been hard on you here SAN, but your letter reflected what the BSG thinks is a serious amount of delusion and he thinks you need a kick in the ass to get you out of your own head. You’re welcome. ~BSG~

How to Dump Someone

March 26th, 2013 | No Comments | Posted in I'm A Tool

On-again, off-again girlfriend wants to be single AND doesn’t want to lose her boyfriend. Time to cut this cord, the BSG thinks.


Girlfriend Won’t Talk To Him

March 17th, 2013 | No Comments | Posted in I'm A Tool

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Okay, one month ago my girlfriend asked me out. We started dating. She lives in U.S. and I live in India. But I’m going to move to U.S. soon. I love her so much and I would do anything for her. The problem is, we hardly ever talk! I’m generally an introvert and I’m really shy, sometimes I think that I annoy everyone.

Still I always try to send her the first message. But she ignores most of them :( but I know she loves me. Then why doesn’t she talk to me? She knows that it takes me a lot of courage to send her a message! I’m so sad about it I cried for last two days! I can’t stand not talking to her! And I promised her that I would be happy with whatever she does to me so I can’t tell her either, then she will be sad. I’m just too scared to lose her. What should I do now? Should I just continue this way? It will hurt me not talking to her but I will bear it for her… oh by the way, she has Aspergers syndrome. ~Feeling The Chill~

Dear FTC: Honestly dude, although the Bitter Single Guy believes in the conquering power of love and all that stuff, he’s not really sure that there’s a solution for you and your Delicate Daffodil. An introvert and someone on the Asperger’s syndrome continuum would have a hard time communicating if they had nothing other than a coffee table between them. With a continent and a couple of oceans between you, the BSG isn’t sure that there is much hope of getting your girlfriend to communicate with you, but he also doesn’t think that’s your biggest problem.

Frankly the BSG is more concerned that you told your girlfriend that you would be happy with whatever she wanted because…well…that’s just not ok. And now you’ve spent two days crying because she’s not communicating with you?

FTC, the BSG needs you to know that you’re in that uncomfortable obsessive part of a relationship where you’re only barely human. While the early part of a relationship is often the fun part, when it goes obsessive as this one has, it’s just ugly.

Here’s the BSG’s advice. You need to take a deep breath and man-up. Which means, cry if you have to, but recognize that this is a temporary state for your relationship and that you WILL get over it. The BSG also doesn’t recommend moving for this relationship anytime soon. You and your Delicate Daffodil need to find a balance where she learns how to communicate with an emotionally fragile introvert and you learn how to communicate with someone with Asperger’s syndrome.

Chances are that you will not succeed, but you’ll learn a lot so that’s something. ~BSG~

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Hot For Teacher

December 30th, 2012 | No Comments | Posted in I'm A Tool

Hi Bitter Single Guy: I have been taking guitar lessons for a few months and have found myself completely infatuated with my instructor. There is a kindness about him that I’m quite drawn to and he’s a very talented musician. He is also a bit younger than me (which doesn’t bother me at all).

However, I’m unsure how to tell him how I feel because I run the risk of rejection and having to find another instructor. I really don’t want to find another instructor as he’s quite talented and I enjoy learning the guitar. He has become the best and worst part of my week. It is great to see him and learn music, but then I have to leave him and try to spend the next week forgetting about him when in truth I want more. Sometimes I feel like he’s interested, but I can’t tell. We have a lot of things in common ranging from sports to music.

Once I had sent him an email asking if he wanted to hang out with me and a group of friends at a local band concert. It was about a day before I heard back from him and he thanked me for the invitation and said that he was actually playing a show up in Lexington. I didn’t mention the show or email at all to him the next time I saw him.  His response leads me to believe that he’s not interested. I don’t know if I should tell him how I feel the next time I have my lesson or just leave it alone. However, I’m consumed by thoughts of him and truly want to be with him. If he doesn’t want me then I need to move on and learn to forget him. It is getting too difficult to see him every week and not having it be more than just guitar lessons. ~Wicked Confused~

Dear WC: The Bitter Single Guy knows all too well what it’s like for someone to occupy his waking moments in a wistful sort of obsession. It probably seems romantic, but the BSG and you know that it’s actually hellish.

WC, this is easy but painful in the BSG’s opinion. You have to say something. This will result in one of two outcomes:

He feels the same and your guitar lessons suddenly get AWESOME as your obsession blossoms into dating then love, after which the obsession will die (because they always do) and the fantasy version of Guitar Man will be replaced by the action version of Guitar Man, which will make you sad that he’s not what you thought he was and you’ll argue. This may be the end of a tumultuous 6 months, or will be the beginning of a long relationship based in reality.

He doesn’t feel the same and suddenly guitar lessons become totally awkward and you have to find another teacher. You and the BSG both know that this is the more likely of the two outcomes, but ignoring it isn’t going to make it go away. As long as you sit at Guitar Man’s knee learning his craft, you’re going to be continually obsessed and as long as you don’t tell him you’ll stay firmly in the limbo you’re in now. So do it. Tell him. At the very least, you’ll know that you did all you could. ~BSG~

D/s and Bipolar Girlfriends

June 20th, 2012 | No Comments | Posted in I'm A Tool

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Here is where things are.  I am a very loving Dominant, with a bipolar submissive/girlfriend.  (Before any answers or advice, if you are unfamiliar with the lifestyle, or ONLY familiar via Hollywood, please take a moment to find out what D/s is and isn’t, thanks).

This is not the first relationship I have had with a bipolar s/o.  But this has been by far the most turbulent.  She has “broken up” with me better than 6 times in the last 7 months.  Always lasts a day, TWO at most.  Anymore, when it starts, I just keep my head down and wait for the storm to pass.

She often reverts to the same reasons.  “I was looking for a Dom, not a bf!”  “I told you I didn’t want a relationship” etc.  But then, refers to me as Sir when we’re together, and her “Bf” in public. Refers to herself as my “gf”.  Is INSANELY jealous, and loses her mind at even a smile from a friendly grocery store cashier.

I know that this will be a battle that I will fight pretty much for forever.  What I need to ask, I suppose, is how do I find her triggers?  They come out of bloody NO WHERE, and I never know what to expect.  Like, last week.  A message on Facebook of “I love you so much, I can’t wait until we live together”….5 minutes later “I’m done.  I can’t do this anymore. I’ll be over after work tomorrow to get my stuff”…..the next day, texts about breaking up all day.  By the time she came over, it was wild sex, and she stayed the weekend,  all sweet and full of “I love you”.  Any help/advice would be helpful.

p.s. she refuses to take meds “They alter who I am”, and won’t seek any therapy.  She BARELY admits she has the disorder….but it’s VERY apparent! ~Baffled and Confused Dom~

Dear BCD: The Bitter Single Guy appreciates you protecting his potentially delicate (and uninformed) sensibilities by asking him to become at least minimally educated on the Dominance/submissive (D/s) lifestyle before answering your letter. (for the BSG’s less informed readers, there is a quick view here) Although not the BSG’s cup of tea, he has long been appreciative of D/s folks’ manner of talking openly with their partners about the giving and holding of power rather than letting it happen willy-nilly like the rest of us. But all that is for another column.

BCD, the bottom line is that this has nothing to do with your D/s lifestyle. You’re involved with, as the BSG understands it, someone with a diagnosed disorder who refuses to use medicine or therapy. So the result is that YOU’RE expected to ‘keep your head down and wait for the storm to pass’? Seriously BCD? Is leash-on-the-tornado really the life you want for yourself, or for your partner?

The BSG thinks that trying to find her triggers so you can avoid them is the wrong question, and that the RIGHT question is “should I continue to be the only one in this relationship trying to take responsibility for it?” To which the BSG would say no…you do yourself and your partner no good in the current dynamic. How, pray tell, do you go about asking for what you need in this relationship? Not in the dom sense, but in a day-to-day sense? If all that’s available to you is to react to her volatility then you’re just a tool and you’re not helping either of you. The BSG will go out on a limb here and tell you that you deserve better in your sub and your sub deserves the balance in her life that would likely come from medication and/or therapy. ~BSG~

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