The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Advice to 12 year-olds is just like advice to 30 year-olds

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m just twelve years old, and I know that’s pretty young to think about boys, but I REALLY don’t know what to do. I’ve liked this boy for 9 months now, and he knows that I do, but he told me, LONG before he knew, that he loved another girl. I want to get over him, get rid of the past and embrace the present, but for some reason, I’m scared to.

I guess it’s because I’m afraid that if let him go, he’ll be a door I’ll never be able to open again. He’s the player, the obnoxious troublemaker, the bad boy. I’m the goodie two shoes, the nice girl, the smartie pants. Yes, I have straight A’s, I have an ambition to get a scholarship for the medical field, and all that, but I don’t think I have a strong enough emotional stability to do what I want to do. Please help me BSG, I REALLY need the advice. ~Ready to Move On~

Dear RMO: The Bitter Single Guy is surprised and delighted to learn from your letter that relationship issues for a 12 year-old are no different than those for a 32 (or more) year-old. Apparently there is not that much new learning in a few extra decades on the planet.

OK RMO, the BSG is hearing that you’re hung up on a bad boy and wish you could get over him and move on. The good news is that this is absolutely normal, but the bad news is that there is no easy answer for getting over him except time. Your treasonous brain will taunt you with fantasies that he really likes you but is afraid to tell you, or that he’s not really in love with that other girl, or that even if he is, she’s SO not good enough for him.

Go ahead and let your brain rant and flail RMO, it has no choice but to look for ways out of this emotional mess it’s in. But while all that’s going on, remember to quietly tell your brain that this boy knows you like him and because boys like a little bit of a chase…if he decides he wants to get to know you better, he knows where to find you.

The BSG promises that time will fix this. There will be a day (probably pretty soon given that you’ve got 9 months invested so far) when it feels like a switch is turned off and you’ll be over him. Trust the BSG RMO, this is how it works for everyone, regardless of age. Best of luck ~BSG~

When To Make it Exclusive

Dear Bitter Single Guy:  I’ve been dabbling in the world of online dating, and recently met a guy whom I developed a crush on pretty quickly. Our mental and physical chemistry is great, and we ended up sleeping together on the second date. (Whether or not that was a good idea, what’s done is done and we had a great time.)

On our next date, I asked him whether he was seeing other people. He told me he’s not sleeping with anyone else, but he is still meeting people off the dating site. Which is fair, I guess — I’ve gone on other dates too. But the difference is that I would be happier just dating him exclusively, and that’s not something he wants. He’s very affectionate and attentive when we’re together, and he’s decent about keeping in touch the rest of the time, so I don’t think he’s just seeing me for the physical stuff. But I guess I have no way of knowing for sure.

So my question is, should I continue dating and sleeping with him until one of us finds someone else we want to see exclusively? Is there a chance he’d come around and want to be with me? I enjoy his company a lot, and I’d be very sad to lose it, but is a little pain now better than potentially a lot of pain later on? ~Headed for a Heartbreak~

Dear HFH: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you’ve hit on a pretty massive social issue facing both The Single and The Coupled here. In earlier times, (the BSG is speculating a little here) choices for romance were usually at the neighboring farm which was likely a long barefoot walk down a country road (the BSG is channeling Little House on the Prairie, he thinks). So once two youngsters (or oldsters, that happened too) ascertained that no one was a practicing axe murderer, marriage plans were made.

Today however, there are precious few dirt roads and bare feet are saved for inside activities. Instead, there is The Internet…which is to say…The Seething Vat of Dating, Sex and Porn. The BSG thinks that the problem you’re facing is not that Wally Window Shopper isn’t sufficiently enamored with you, but that he might miss something better. Heck…here’s he’s gone and placed and ad and met YOU! The chemistry is great and whew! The sex is awesome! So if it’s that great with you, then just imagine what ELSE he’ll find if he keeps dating more!

The BSG wants you to remember the different rules that apply to internet dating. You entered that den of iniquity with the goal of an exclusive relationship (the BSG assumes) not a friend with benefits. Given that, the BSG wants you to keep your eyes on that prize so he recommends you talk with Wally Window Shopper and let him know that you’re enjoying your time together and that your goal is an exclusive relationship. Let him know that after a few dates, if everything is going well, you’re going to want to talk about the exclusivity thang. If Wally Window Shopper says he actually IS looking a stable of friends with benefits, then you can delicately exit the scene now.  If he’s not, then the BSG recommends you withdrawing the slap-and-tickle a little so that you have some bargaining room. If Wally gets to have sex with you and still date other women, he’s not likely to want that to change anytime soon.

If you want to test his focus, the BSG recommends letting slip that you also have been seeing other guys from other sites. If he’s totally down with that, then it’s likely he’s thinking FWB is perfect. If he’s uncomfortable, the BSG suspects he may head toward wanting something more permanent with you.

And HFH, this is important: Be ready to walk away. Like buying a car, if the deal isn’t the one you want you don’t want to get stuck in a situation that’s soul-destroying (or at least non-fun) because you weren’t willing to bail. If you want exclusivity and Wally wants to continue Window Shopping, kiss him on the cheek, thank him for the great time, and walk away. ~BSG~

Dating a Bad Boy

Hello Bitter Single Guy: I am a good girl, 21, don’t do drugs, only slept with 1 one guy in a serious relationship. But I have a thing for bad boys. This one bad boy I resisted for months and months because everyone had warned me away from him saying he was bad news.

He is 30, has multiple tattoos, has probably slept with multiple women, has a Harley, used to be a drug dealer, and is a total charmer/player. I knew all this from the beginning, but couldn’t help still feeling attracted to him. We eventually hooked up at a music festival where he tells me that he’s ‘been looking for a gf for awhile and wants it to be me’. I was totally shocked because I thought that he was only after me for sex and think well maybe I will be the one to change this bad boy.

I warn him at the start saying don’t fuck me over, I’m a good girl and I know what you’re like. He assured me ‘you do right by me, I do right by you’, ‘you’re not a girl I would play’, and that he meant what he said about the girlfriend thing. So I see him for 2 months, meet his mother (who he still lives with!) and everything is going really well. I trust him because he assured me at the beginning that he would do right by me.

I hold off having sex with him, firstly because I haven’t been in an intimate relationship for 2 years. And secondly because he said he’s mainly had flings of 3 or 4 months where they haven’t done it for him in the end. He has also slept with one of my friends 3 years ago, who she said lost interest as soon as she slept with him.

Last Friday night he was meant to come see me and we would go out for dinner. But he messages me the day before saying sorry but he has to hang out with his dad this weekend and won’t be able to see me. He says that he is heaps pissed off coz he really wanted to see me. At first I think, oh no this is the start, is there another girl? But then I think no, I trust him.

I end up getting a call Friday night from my friend saying that apparently people saw him the weekend before ‘dry humping’ quite disgustingly a girl on the dance floor at a pub. I couldn’t believe it, my heart was beating so fast and I felt sick. I trusted this guy! I knew it was too good to be true!

I hang up and try calling him. No answer. I msg him saying ‘Hey can u call me back when u can please xo’ Still no answer next day (sat). I call him again, still no answer. All I want is to hear his side of the story! So I msg him saying ‘Hey, I know u hooked up with Torrie. I told you at the start that I don’t wanna be fucked over. I really liked u and thought u were a nice guy and would really like to hear your side of the story.”

(Sunday) still no answer, by this time I am so hurt and upset. All the things this guy said to me was a lie and because I didn’t give him what he wanted he went elsewhere. I couldn’t believe someone could be so heartless to not even reply to me to say it’s over. I met his mother for Christ’s sake! And he told me he wanted me to be his gf straight at the beginning coz he knew that would keep me interested!

I am so angry and hurt and betrayed, so I send him the most hurtful message I could construct. “O grow some balls and be man enough to reply to me. I can’t believe I fell for your load of crap the whole time. You know every trick in the book. You told me exactly what I wanted to hear to lure me in and get a fuck. Well I’m sorry that I’m a rare good girl and couldn’t give u what u wanted but guys like u only deserve to be with whores. Everyone was right and I knew I should have listened. Congratulations, you played me. Grow a heart.”

I felt pretty good after I sent that! This is the first time I have ever been hurt and to think all the time we spent together was all a lie was terrible.

So Monday, I finally get something out of him. “Hey. how are you?” I was like wtf?! How the fuck do u think I am!!! I was thinking is this a trick?? I was so confused!! I didn’t reply to the msg coz I was just so angry, there was no ‘I’m sorry’ in it or anything.

Then that night he finally rings me. I answer and he says that he hasn’t done anything wrong. He was just dancing with her he says. They didn’t hook up, he says. I said u were dry humping her! How can you not hook up with her?! He was like well I can’t remember if we did. I said why didn’t u return my call Friday night?? And my messages?? I said this weekend has been absolute hell for me!!

He said he was with his dad all weekend and didn’t want to get into it while he was with him. I said u still could have replied to me!! I said how can I believe anything u say? I can’t trust you! I said u told me u wanted me to be your gf just so u could string me along to get a fuck! He’s like but we didn’t even have sex! I said yeah so u went somewhere else! He’s like I didn’t have sex with her, my mate ended up going home with her, I went home to bed by myself! I kept saying I can’t believe anything u say. He’s like I do want u to be my gf! Why would I come and visit you if I didn’t? He’s like you can trust me, believe me! I didn’t do anything! I said I was stupid to think I could change you; he’s like u can change me! I wanna be with you! I said but all u want is sex, that’s what you’ve done to all the other girls you’ve been with. He said yeah maybe in the past, but not with you, I don’t care about that, I wanna be with you. Then he said he wants to talk about this in person and I finally agree for him to come see me. So now we come to present day.

So BSG, I am so confused. I really like him, but how do I know he is telling the truth? How can I ever trust him again? ~Good Girl~

Dear GG: So much going on here, the Bitter Single Guy wants to break it into sections. By the way, the BSG doesn’t usually answer letters this long (1200 words, GG. 1200.), but something about your letter caught his eye and he had a little extra time today.

1. Being 30, having tattoos and riding a Harley doesn’t make anyone a bad boy (or girl). The BSG rides a Harley and is usually a pleasant person. Being a former drug dealer is better than being a current drug dealer, but the BSG still thinks this should have been a red flag.
2. GG, did Bad Boy actually say that he didn’t remember if he had sex with Dry-Hump Girl? In your letter he once says he didn’t remember and once that he didn’t do it. The BSG has to say, if he actually says that he can’t remember whether or not he had sex with Dry-Hump Girl, you’re done. Done, the BSG says. You’re not negotiating, not compromising, not discussing. Done. SO many reasons for this.
3. Even if he didn’t have sex with Dry-Hump Girl, you’re exactly correct for believing that it’s inappropriate for a man you’re dating to dry-hump some other girl on the dance floor, even if you and he have not had sex yet, unless you’ve negotiated some weird condition that he can get nookie elsewhere while you’re getting acquainted. Don’t laugh, the BSG has seen some wild variations on relationships but you know…whatever works, right?
4. The BSG agrees with you about the communication thing. Even if he was spending time with his dad over the weekend, if he has such great regard for you and wants you to be his girlfriend so badly, then you deserve a response. This indicates a future pattern of him going dark on important conversations or (even more desirable in a mate) claiming not to remember whether or not he had sex with another girl (again, if he said he can’t remember: you’re D O N E ).
5. Finally GG, the BSG has to tell you that you deserve ALL of this. Yes, the BSG said it and he stands by his statement. Early on you actually say that maybe you’re the one to change this bad boy. Really, GG? Who are you, a missionary to the bad boys of the world? You’re going to change them one by one by denying them easy sex and asking them to communicate responsibly? Hell with that. There’s a lot of reasons that bad boys are attractive, and every time you give into the attraction, you better expect a bad-boy experience…which, by the way, is exactly what you’re getting here GG.

The BSG recommends cutting Bad Boy loose if you want to maintain your Good Girl status (not necessarily a given, but that seems important to you) and mostly if you want to engage in a responsible, healthy, adult relationship instead of this high school crap. ~BSG~

Friends With Benefits or Just Friends?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: So let’s just get straight to it. I was in a show with a guy a year ago and I was definitely attracted to him (he’s 15 years older than me, hold onto that) and we saw each other every day because of being in the show together. The show ended and we started hanging out occasionally at other shows, concerts, etc.

Then New Years came around and we went to a mutual friends’ party. We ended up making out in the rain (should sound romantic but actually it was freezing) after the party and that was the first time I had gotten the impression that he might “like me”.

However, the next day he sent me a bunch of text messages saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship and that he & his GF of 3 years had just broken up 6 months earlier and he was still dealing with that. And I was like “hold up, we are not talking about this via text can I come over?” So I did. We ended up talking for a few hours; I explained that while I liked him I hardly knew him so dating him immediately was not even on my radar. We talked about his past experience, I assured him that I was not entering “Now you have to date me because we made out” ground and things were fine. We then spent a significant amount of time making out until 1 am.

Since then we spent the next six months hanging out occasionally (several times a month) and every time we’d see each other he’d kiss me goodnight. We’d have fun with his friends, or mine. Something that always bugged me is I would always make it a point to go to his shows or concerts, all of them, and he’s never made it to any of mine and I’ve been in a lot since we first met! When we weren’t hanging out he didn’t text, call, etc. But when we hung out he was so talkative, always asking about all the things he’d missed, etc. So this was going off and on up until late summer where he came to my birthday party. He hung out with all my friends, brought me a birthday gift, kissed me goodnight. Seemed like we were exactly where we were a year earlier. But oh well.

Then from that day to now we’ve seen each other just a handful of times, I’ve still gone to his shows with my friends and he’s still yet to come to any of mine promising he’d “come to the next one!”. The times I’ve seen him since he hasn’t kissed me or anything…but things are really fun with his friends whom I adore and he has a great time with mine.

I guess…what am I doing? Immediately we were in a place where I thought, we’re going to get to know each other and re-evaluate from there…but now over a year has passed and nothing’s changed. I also just learned that last February (not last month but a year ago) he asked out a girl at a concert of his that I was at (she shot him down). I just found this out last week–that concert, I WAS AT, and he kissed me goodnight AND that was only a month after our New Years make out/talk.

I really like his friends, I like his concerts, I like hanging out with him…but do I just forget all the other stuff that happened? Do I try to talk about it? What do you think? ~Shamelessly Hanging On~

Dear SHO: The Bitter Single Guy knows how mixed messages can get you to thinking things are going one way when they’re actually going another. The BSG thinks that Reluctant Randy is unwilling or unable to step up and tell you whether he wants to date you or not. And gracious SHO, why should he have to? Here he has this attractive young woman who shows up to see him, spend time with he and his friends, and with whom he gets to make out every now and then. In the meantime he’s free to pursue whatever love interest he’s ACTUALLY interested in.

SHO, the BSG hates to tell you but you’re a bit of a doormat here. Don’t let Reluctant Randy’s inability and insecurities step all over you anymore. Make other plans, ask someone else out, don’t go hang out with his friends. It won’t seem like a breakup because it probably never felt like a relationship; but the BSG is pretty sure that you thought of it that way. For that reason, you’ll find yourself missing his friends…your friends may ask about Reluctant Randy…all the things that would normally go with a breakup. Wrap it up and spend some time with someone willing to spent real time with you, not just opportunistic make-out time. ~BSG~

The Had Cake

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years. We live together…we pay bills together. It…was… pretty serious.

But my boyfriend likes to take what he calls, “breaks”…which are not breaking up…but they mean that he, “needs his space” and to “find himself”. I am tired of breaks. We have been together this long, and we are now going through our…THIRD break.

These magical periods usually consist of him telling me to leave him alone… me getting upset and wanting to talk… Him telling me that it does no good to talk…and then…the arguing happens.

I’m tired of arguing. I’m tired of being told that I’m stupid and clingy. I’m tired of not having sex… ( sorry if it’s tmi) I’m tired of feeling alone.

The only conclusion that I have come to is to try to shut my mouth and walk away when we argue. I am a fixer, and it’s really hard for me to let go of something when I know it can be resolved. But I can’t help thinking that walking away while he yells at me and slams the door in my face makes me what he wants me to be…a doormat. I don’t want to be a doormat anymore. I have spent my entire life getting trampled over, and I’m sick of it.

My friends have all told me to leave. I’m still here. I have been trying to go out and be independent and trying to have fun. But when I stay out too late…or stay over at a friend’s…he gets angry and suspicious. Which…I know is stupid because he tells me not to sit at home up his ass…so I go out. I don’t necessarily like going out because I’m the type of girl that would rather sit at home with her dogs and play halo. Lol. I’m not a big socialite.

But I do know the smell of bullshit. I know he expects me to give him space, be independent, go out, shut up, and give him time. But he doesn’t do those things for me. When he goes over to hang with his friends and either shows up late or doesn’t show up at all…I can’t say anything. If I do he freaks out. When he gets mad at me he blows up in my face and doesn’t let me say a word. When I go to a place and a guy happens to be there ( of no interest to me ever) he gets jealous and possessive.

I don’t like cake eaters…especially one that I’ve been with for this long. Someone that…when we’re not on a break tells me he wants to marry me and have kids with me. Who helps me…takes up for me…makes me laugh…and loves me.

Like I said, BSG, I have gone through thus enough times to know that the break thing never goes as planned. So…what should I do? Should I leave? Stay with it? Or just wait it out? Please help!!! I love this person more than my own life. I don’t know what to do. ~I’m Not Cake~

Dear INC: The Bitter Single Guy knows you wrote once before and he’s sorry he can’t get to all the letters that come to him, but he appreciates you coming back.

INC, the BSG doesn’t understand why you’re in this relationship still. Let’s break it down:

• You’re tired of “breaks” from the relationship when your boyfriend needs space
• You’re tired of no sex (not too much info, INC…it’s an important part of relationship health)
• You’re tired of arguing
• You’re tired of being told that you’re stupid and clingy
• You’re tired of feeling alone

Sounds exhausting frankly. The BSG thinks you should dump Willy Waffler and reclaim some self esteem. ~BSG~