The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Torn Between School and Relationship

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have a dilemma on my hands. I got out of a bad marriage in 2009. The divorce won’t be final until late 2010. Ex and I have a three year old son together. Needless to say, it has been a rough year, as ex is quite nasty towards me, and I lost my job. There has been a bright spot, however. I began seeing a very nice man last August, and things have been going well. He is a trucker, and to be perfectly honest, when he was out on the road, I had the time to work on finding my subverted self again. It is almost a year later, and he has taken a job so he can be home more often. He gets along with my son great for the most part, although he has shown a little lack of patience with him.

Here is my dilemma: I recently went back to school, and am extremely preoccupied with my studies and being a mom. I have very little time to myself now. I am feeling pulled apart, and worry that with his being around more, I will have even less time. I really care about this man, but I need to make sure I’m making a better life for my son and me. I want to be able to make my own substantial income. After seeing each other for so long, how can I take a step back from this relationship without hurting him? When I broached the subject of not having much time to see him, he immediately brought up his old scars. He says he wants to be a priority, but I know I need to take care of my family first. This man could be the one, but I don’t want to lose myself again, and subject my son to another bad relationship. What do I do? ~Pulled in Too Many Directions~

Dear PTMD: You’ve hit the gist of the problem already and just need to decide what’s more important. The Bitter Single Guy hears you saying that this relationship is important and that this is a Nice Man, you’ve also indicated that you want to feel more secure professionally by advancing your education. PTMD, this is exactly what you think it is…there isn’t any way your Nice Man is going to get as much time as he’s probably used to from you while you’re also studying and raising a 3 year old. This could result in you losing him, you’re correct. Similarly, if you give your time to this man and neglect your studies, any time spent in school won’t amount to a hill of beans because you won’t be able to finish a degree or certification (whatever you’re pursuing).

OK, this is why you come to the BSG, he knows. Other advice columnists will give you wishy-washy answers that leave you with nothing to work with. The BSG is here to stand by you while you make tough decisions. Tell Nice Man that you’re going to do your best, and that he’s important to you, but that you have to stay in school so you can be sure to provide the best future for your son. If Nice Man isn’t prepared for you to put your son before him, then your relationship won’t work anyway, because you’re ALWAYS going to put your son before him (whether he likes it or not…heck, whether YOU like it or not).

Concentrate on your studies, professors won’t allow themselves to be strung along like Nice Man likely will. And comfort yourself after long days with this tidbit: Although Nice Man seems like The One, the BSG believes that most of The Ones are actually The One of Manys (if that makes sense). Short version, if Nice Man bails on your education and child-rearing commitment, there will be another Nice Man. ~BSG~

In Love with my Best Friend

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been friends with this girl for a while now, and I have developed feelings for her. I never wanted to act on it in fear of losing her. We talk all the time, and she recently started dating someone. She had never told me anything about her being in a relationship until I confronted her. She then told me and I have met him, and don’t think he is right for her. I never told her that. She is now acting very strange with me. I know in my head what I want to make of it, but I don’t know what’s real. And I don’t see why she didn’t tell me something was going on when we talk on a regular basis and about anything. I don’t know how I should proceed with this. I know now that she is seeing someone I can’t tell her how I really feel. Should I just work on getting over it, or should I wait and see how things go with her and this guy? ~Biding My Time~

Dear BMT: If the Bitter Single Guy were a gambling man (and he is), he would guess that your Dulcet Dandelion is completely aware of your feelings for her even though you haven’t told her about them. Heck, once you indicated that you “confronted her” about whether she was dating someone, the BSG was pretty sure that Dulcet Dandelion knew about your affection. In most friendships, confrontation isn’t necessary when asking about dating.

So the answer to your question about why she would start dating someone without telling her good friend (you), is that she knew you have feelings for her and she was either:

1. Forgetful
2. Trying to preserve your feelings
3. Not wanting to inspire you to express your feelings because she doesn’t share them.

The BSG suspects choice #3 because if she did have feelings for you and wanted you to know it, you would probably already know it (there are very few people able to conceal their affection for someone that they spend regular time with).

The answer to your second question: whether you should work on getting over it, or wait and see how things go with this guy, the BSG thinks you should get over it. At a minimum, if you’re her friend, she probably expects you to respect her choice of boyfriend even if you don’t think he’s right for her (the BSG wonders if you would find any guy right for her except you).

Short version is that you’re into Dulcet Dandelion and she’s not into you. At a minimum you should tell her how you feel because the BSG guarantees that nothing will happen (good or bad) otherwise. But expect when you tell her to hear that she doesn’t have those feelings for you, but that your friendship is important to her. At that point you’ll have to (as the BSG says above) get over it. ~BSG~

Getting Dumped Sucks

According to the BSG’s recent entirely scientific poll, 20 out of 30 respondents say that getting dumped sucks more than dumping someone. So fully two thirds of respondents confirm what the BSG (and you) probably would have guessed.

But isn’t it interesting that one entire third of respondents say that dumping someone sucks MORE? Hmmm…the BSG thinks this is interesting and that’s why he’s writing The Bitter Single Guy’s Guide to Breaking Up. One third of people will need the book to make the dumping easier, and the other two thirds of you (us?) will need the book to understand what the hell just happened.

It was in a poll, people. It’s true. Answer other BSG polls today.

~BSG~

The BSG is famous

Whoo hoo! The nice folks at NursingSchools.net have named the Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice as one of their 100 best Men’s Health & Fitness blogs!

Yes, the BSG is now in the esteemed company of the Wall Street Journal Health Blog and the Balding Blog. Esteemed company, indeed.

Avoiding A Rebound Relationship

Thanks Kelly for reminding the BSG that he has become lax in answering letters! It’s been a busy 2010 so far, dear readers…but the BSG will be here more in the coming days, he swears. ~BSG~

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Six months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of three years and it ended okay (it was mutual). I don’t feel bitter or angry. I’ve come to terms with it and have dated a bit since then. About a month ago, I met someone special from an online dating website and I like him very much. My question is: how long should one wait before getting into a new relationship, or rather, how can one avoid a rebound relationship? I should add that I do not have a history of so-called “serial monogamy” and I’m very comfortable with being single. I noticed that you don’t have too much on your column regarding rebound relationships so I thought I should ask. ~Don’t Want to Bounce~

Dear DWB: Although the Bitter Single Guy has written many times about rebounds, it’s been many mango seasons, so it’s likely not in the archives anymore. The BSG believes that rebounding is inevitable, particularly in a bad breakup or even an emotional breakup.

Since you say that your breakup was amicable and that you’ve had a few dates since then, the BSG thinks you’re probably safe from a really ugly rebound situation. For those who are unfamiliar with the dynamics of a rebound relationship, it’s not uncommon, if one believes themselves to have been treated shabbily in their previous relationship, to decide to punish the new relationship as a result. This is the annoyance of a rebound…in a new relationship, we’re all dealing with the detritus from our new date’s last relationship…at least a little.

DWB, the BSG would give you the complete green light if not for two things:

It’s only been six months, which is really not very long considering you’re purging yourself from a 3 year relationship.

You bring up the possibility of a rebound. This is both good and bad. Bad because if you’re thinking about it, you’re probably feeling it somewhat. But the BSG thinks this is good because you’re paying attention.

The BSG recommends starting something up with online guy (please tell the BSG that you’ve met him in person by now…if not, you’re not dealing with a real person yet…just your reaction to an online persona), but taking it slowly. If no dragons rear their heads in the next month or so, the BSG would say that you’re as much in the clear as you’ll ever be.

~BSG~