The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Avoiding A Rebound Relationship

Thanks Kelly for reminding the BSG that he has become lax in answering letters! It’s been a busy 2010 so far, dear readers…but the BSG will be here more in the coming days, he swears. ~BSG~

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Six months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of three years and it ended okay (it was mutual). I don’t feel bitter or angry. I’ve come to terms with it and have dated a bit since then. About a month ago, I met someone special from an online dating website and I like him very much. My question is: how long should one wait before getting into a new relationship, or rather, how can one avoid a rebound relationship? I should add that I do not have a history of so-called “serial monogamy” and I’m very comfortable with being single. I noticed that you don’t have too much on your column regarding rebound relationships so I thought I should ask. ~Don’t Want to Bounce~

Dear DWB: Although the Bitter Single Guy has written many times about rebounds, it’s been many mango seasons, so it’s likely not in the archives anymore. The BSG believes that rebounding is inevitable, particularly in a bad breakup or even an emotional breakup.

Since you say that your breakup was amicable and that you’ve had a few dates since then, the BSG thinks you’re probably safe from a really ugly rebound situation. For those who are unfamiliar with the dynamics of a rebound relationship, it’s not uncommon, if one believes themselves to have been treated shabbily in their previous relationship, to decide to punish the new relationship as a result. This is the annoyance of a rebound…in a new relationship, we’re all dealing with the detritus from our new date’s last relationship…at least a little.

DWB, the BSG would give you the complete green light if not for two things:

It’s only been six months, which is really not very long considering you’re purging yourself from a 3 year relationship.

You bring up the possibility of a rebound. This is both good and bad. Bad because if you’re thinking about it, you’re probably feeling it somewhat. But the BSG thinks this is good because you’re paying attention.

The BSG recommends starting something up with online guy (please tell the BSG that you’ve met him in person by now…if not, you’re not dealing with a real person yet…just your reaction to an online persona), but taking it slowly. If no dragons rear their heads in the next month or so, the BSG would say that you’re as much in the clear as you’ll ever be.

~BSG~

Suppressing Co-Dependence

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My previous and first relationship was one of unhealthy codependence, went on much longer than we both knew it should, and became a source of regret and shame for me. I won’t pretend that both sides were at fault. I craved to be needed by this person, and was as responsible for cultivating that situation as much as he was.

I feel I took sufficient time and have done some soul-searching to make sure I was free of the baggage before allowing myself any sort of relationship.

Now, for the past few months I’ve been involved with a wonderful nurturing guy who has a social life that does not revolve around me, a clear idea of who he is, and he knows what he wants. I am not afraid that he will need me to fulfill every type of need in his life like my ex did.

In the beginning everything felt fine and natural. However, my tendency towards clinginess resurfaces sometimes despite my efforts to give him room to breathe. This includes compulsively calling to him or meeting up with him more than once a day several times a week despite our busy schedules and despite him even expressing his wish to hang out with his friends away from me. I want to stop neediness from becoming an aspect of any of my other relationships preferably before it ruins this one but certainly before it ruins the next. Have any tips for how to back up a little without becoming too distant, BSG? ~Seeking In-Dependence~

Dear SID: The Bitter Single Guy appreciates you looking to fix this problem before it rears its head again, but he’s a little concerned that your focus is on your current relationship or the next one. Gracious SID, have you already given up on this one?

The short answer is to get some therapy. Co-dependence (or over dependence or clinginess or whatever it gets called) is usually rooted in fear of abandonment. If you’ve determined (and it sounds like you have) that this is a pattern for you, then it will (as you’ve predicted) come up for you again and again in your relationships until you either dial it down or find someone who is attracted to the clingy type.

~BSG~

Not Attracted to Who She Wants

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I am a 20-something student in a professional field, and I always seem to go for the same type of guy: 5 to 10 years older than me, with virtually no career. I don’t like to judge men based on these facts alone, but I have had very bad experiences with this type of guy, and I guess I am a little shell shocked.

Recently, I have met yet another dude that fits that profile, and he asked me out. And on top of that, I met a guy with more of a career and a seemingly more gentle soul, but he might be a little shy… I booked dates with both of them. My problem is this: knowing I have a tendency get messed up in dating situations like Dude #1, should I just cancel that date and stick to Dude #2 (the nice guy)? OR can I give them both a chance provided I am keenly aware that the first dude is probably nothing more than one date? ~Two for the Price of One~

Dear TPO: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you need to consider why you keep finding yourself with these older ambition-less guys. He suspects it’s simply because you’re attracted to them! It seems likely that you’ll go out with Dude #1 and feel a spark that will make you despair and feel hopeless about your romantic future. This will be exacerbated by the fact that you’ll have a date with Dude #2, who sounds great “on paper”, but for whom you will feel no spark.

The BSG recommends figuring out what, in these older career-free  gents, is getting your attention. Perhaps you have a care-taking impulse that comes out when faced with someone with no apparent direction? Whatever the answer to the attraction question is, the BSG wants you to then find that characteristic in someone who is more likely to be a match in other ways.

~BSG~

Happy Thanksgiving from the BSG!

The Bitter Single Guy wants to wish all his American readers a happy and drama-free Thanksgiving. He also thinks you should all spend just $1.99 (or about 11 bucks for the print version) to get his Holiday Survival Guide. All the Thanksgiving Wisdom anyone could hope for is there.

~BSG~

Cold Husband: Get a Dog

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’ve been with my husband for the last 6ish years. We just bought a house, and are quickly rebuilding our savings account. All should be well in paradise, right? Wrong. I want a dog. I’m lonely. My husband isn’t demonstrative, and doesn’t let me snuggle much. We’re a pair of ‘old souls’ that don’t really participate in all of the hot-n-randy stuff anymore. We’re 29 and 30. We actually work together, peaceably, and spend a ton of time together. Except for this one thing – A dog.

I guess I should backtrack a little. Its not just a dog – its any subject that he doesn’t want to talk about. He says, if you keep pushing this, we’ll have trouble. I’m warning you, you don’t want to make this a relationship thing. So, generally, I shut up. But I really want a dog! Maybe its my age – I want something to care for and spoil. The ferrets USED to do it – but now, with the new house, they’re confined to one tiny playpen – takes me 5 minutes twice a day to put it in order, and they’re no longer allowed to come out and interact with me. I don’t get to spoil my husband rotten. Neither of us want children.

I tried to tell him this. I did my research, made a plan. I found a dog that was clean, small and low shedding that seldom barked (shiba inu). Today I asked, “so you like min-pins, huh?” pretty insignificant, right? Just small talk with the hubby as I make breakfast. That started the war. What can I do to convince him that 1) I should be able to have a dog 2) Its not going to ruin his life 3) It won’t be his responsibility (i take care of the ferrets and the house as it is) and 4) this passive aggressive mopey stupidness is only driving a wedge into our relationship? ~Dog Lover~

Dear DL: AWESOME! In ten years of relationship advice, you’re the first person to come to the Bitter Single Guy with a pet-related issue! DL, the BSG has to admit that he has also had dog-cravings recently…something to be happy when the BSG gets home, something that won’t go belly-up if the BSG feeds him too much (stupid goldfish), something to…well…love the BSG! But we’re not here to talk about the BSG’s lonely house, DL.

Interestingly, the BSG is going to jump right past the dog issue to what he believes is the real issue. You have a greater need for companionship and love than your husband does, so you’re wrapping it all up in this dog-thing because you’ve convinced yourself that with a dog you won’t notice what you’re missing in your relationship, eh DL? The BSG wonders why you’re willing to replace the companionship that some might expect in a marriage with a dog? You know that’s what’s happening here, right DL? The BSG thinks he needs to call a little bullshit here, are you ready?

• Don’t give the BSG this “old soul” crapola…what you’re doing is coming up with a clever rationalization for why you and your hubby don’t have sex anymore. Let the BSG clarify…29 and 30 is too young to give up your sex life.
• Don’t give in to these vague threats from your husband about “if you push this you’ll have trouble”. What the hell…is this the 1950’s? Is this Ricky Ricardo warning Lucy not to meddle in something she doesn’t understand? DL, the BSG respects your right to preserve your relationship in whatever way you need to, but he wants you to think about what you’re giving up if you feel like your ability to speak freely is stifled in your marriage.

The BSG says forget the dog and have a conversation with your husband about how everyone in a relationship gets a vote about how needs get met.  If he gets all vaguely threateny, the BSG says bring home a borrowed St. Bernard and tell him he’s yours. Push the button, DL.  See what it’s like to participate fully.

~BSG~

p.s. the BSG wants to clarify that he believes that “pushing the button” will likely result in an argument, some door slamming and some chilly silences; all of which should lead (eventually) to some better communication. If your non-dog-loving husband’s vague threats turn into something physical, dial 911. Nothing you said indicates to the BSG that you feel physically threatened in your relationship, but he would be remiss if he didn’t call out this point.  ~BSG~