The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

The BSG Stirs the Pot

Dear Wonderful Readers,  Several of you weighed in on the article the BSG posted (here) and he is sorry for his delay in responding here!

Sheesh…there has been so much travel in the BSG’s life that he’s not been here for you like he wants to be. He was so pleased with the response to that article though and loves that you’re jumping into the conversation! Yay you! So if you haven’t read the article, go back and take a gander. Then take a look at the comments. Then come back here. Or just stay here. Whatever.

Short version: The BSG specifically posted this as a point of view for those female readers who write to the BSG about why they can’t find a mate.

Longer version: The BSG definitely doesn’t believe the ideal goal for any woman (or man) is marriage, but he also thought there would be some readers who would find themselves in this article. Sometimes we’re less able to see ourselves than other people are, and sometimes we learn best when observations are laid out sharply, rather than softly (this author definitely lays out her point of view sharply). So to the various questions here, the BSG can say that he doesn’t agree with all this author’s points, but he should say that he doesn’t DISagree with all this author’s points either. Interestingly, most of the folks who have commented here are ALSO apparently not the author’s target audience (since the happy-to-be-single aren’t the ones she’s talking to). Mostly though, the BSG LOVES that you are all weighing in here. Nice conversation!

BSG

Why You’re Not Married

The BSG knows that he’s not this author’s demographic, and he also knows that most of his readers are likely younger the folks she’s talking to. All that aside, the BSG wants you to read this.

To Cyber-Snoop or Not to Cyber-Snoop

Dear Readers, the Bitter Single Guy has, in his many years here, counseled many of the lovelorn on the fluid ethics of when it’s OK to snoop in your mate’s phone, email or other electronic venue in order to confirm your suspicions. While it’s reprehensible (in the BSG’s opinion) for someone to cheat behind the back of someone to whom they’re committed, the BSG also thinks that cyber-snooping is never a good thing.

The point at which trust is so damaged that you feel your only solution is to secretly spy on your partner is the point at which you should re-think your entire relationship, the BSG thinks.

Well now the state of Michigan also thinks that it’s  pretty bad thing and if you’re not careful you could end up with jail time like this guy. Snooper beware, the BSG says.

Keep reading the article though, was this  a case of robbing the pharmacy to get life-saving medicine? In other words, did the larger issue of potential child abuse (seriously…read the article) justify this Snooper’s actions? The BSG wants to know…

~BSG~

To Sleep Together or Not

The Bitter Single Guy is sure, that when some of you read this you will nod knowingly to yourself because the BSG will have exposed himself as exactly as bitter as you ever expected anyone could be. And yet, bitterness aside, the BSG wants you to examine his point of view here and give him some indication why he’s wrong because of course…he’s not.

The BSG finds that he has an opinion about people sleeping together that he suspects will be unpopular. Now to clarify, the BSG doesn’t use “sleeping together” as a euphemism for sex. The BSG is definitely in favor of folks having sex with each other for all the reasons you can imagine: fun, procreation, fun, intimacy, fun…you know…all those reasons.

No, the BSG actually means two people (who likely are also having sex, although later on in a relationship, perhaps not as much) who choose willingly to sleep in the same bed. In this situation, these nice folks have a double, queen, or (if they’re lucky) king-sized bed and when it’s bedtime they climb in bed together. At this point, if everyone (anyone?) is feeling frisky, there’s likely a little slap-and-tickle time, but afterward books are opened, TVs are turned on or lights are just turned out.

Shortly after the activity, the couple drifts off to sleep. At this point, to the BSG’s experience, the shared bed is primarily one of annoyance. Someone snores too loud, or someone tosses and turns too much, or someone hogs the pillows or the blankets or the real estate itself. There are countless products aimed at reducing the annoyance of sleeping together, including the simple application of medication that will help folks sleep soundly so as not to ignore their bed partner.

The BSG wants to point out here that these co-sleepers are often in house with a whole other bedroom that is reserved for guests and is almost always empty with fresh sheets and barely-used pillows.

So the BSG wants to expose himself (so to speak) as a fan of separate bedrooms. And before you hurt yourself with all that eye-rolling, the BSG has found evidence that he’s not the only one thinking this way. Check out the article here, and the one here where the author has given up trying to suffer through sleeping with folks who she otherwise is quite fond of.

Seriously folks, just go there with the BSG for a few minutes. You and your chosen intimate partner have a great day at the end of which you maybe watch some TV or read some books or have some ‘special time’. After any and all of that, what’s next? Why sleep! Maybe you cuddle and wrap up in each other, but then someone twitches or snorts or turns or in some other way moves around and then everyone is awake. Sometimes this happens several times until finally you both separate and fall asleep.

What if, in the BSG’s fantasy world, after the TV, the reading, the sex and even the cuddling, you both retired to your separate beds to curl up with your separate blankets (that now can’t be hogged), your separate pillows (that now can’t be compromised) and your separate night’s sleep? Think of how romantic it would be to crawl into bed with your intimate-other in the morning after both of you had a peaceful and restful night’s sleep? Think of having no more arguments about snoring, no more nights where you hope you’re the first one to fall asleep! The BSG thinks you’re appreciating his point of view here a little more right now, aren’t you?

A Big Ol’ Bucket of Clusterfuck

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I was reading your posts and I really admire your practical advice. I was hoping maybe you could help me with my situation. I am a junior in college, and for the first time in my life, I feel really good about myself. I have a lot of passions and friends, and generally have a lot to look forward to. It hasn’t always been this way -in fact, quite opposite- so I’m excited for new opportunities.

The issue is my dating life. I’ve always been my own person and very independent, but I have always a one-man woman. However, I have gotten myself into a big bucket of clusterfuck this past semester. There are three -for lack of a better term – gentleman callers in my life, all who like me and have their own awesome personalities and attributes. They’re all good guys -an exchange student, a musician, and an army boy- and I am not exclusive or have said I want to be exclusive with any of them. I was friends with two of them before the attraction between us grew and was realized, and I met another one through a friend of mine (where there was instant attraction). I enjoy talking to and spending time with all of them. (And no, I haven’t slept with any of them).

The problem is, I am having a moral dilemma. I don’t want to play these good guys, but I don’t know what to do. I know some girls are going to read this and be like “you’re ridiculous for feeling bad that three good guys are into you,” but that’s just not the way I roll. I am afraid this is going to blow up in my face, but I am more afraid that I am going to hurt them. I have never been in this position before. I’ve been jaded badly by someone I really cared about, and I don’t want to do that to any of them. But the truth is, I don’t quite know what I want. I am not looking for a relationship right now, but I can’t help that these attractions and feelings are developing and might lead to one with one of them. But for right now, it wouldn’t be fair to them to commit to one of them and still have feelings for another.

So, I guess my question for you, BSG, is, should I “live while I’m young”? Should I inform each party that there are other parties involved – and if so, how would I do that without hurting them? I am at a loss of what to do. How can this work without anyone getting seriously hurt? ~Clusterfuck Girl~

Dear CFG: The Bitter Single Guy knows that there are readers right now gnashing their teeth at the chance to shoot you down, because there are folks (and the BSG has been this guy on more than one occasion) who will wonder why the hell they can’t even get ONE date when not only do you have THREE, but you’re complaining about it.

But truly CFG, the BSG has also been where you are and he totally feels where you’re coming from. These three men have dealt honestly with you and while it’s appropriate to hide behind (or at least hide next to) your statement that you’ve made no promises of exclusivity to any of these men you, the BSG, and these men all know that even without the promise of exclusivity, there is an expectation that you’re not dating three men at once.

CFG, the BSG is going to tell you what you’re not going to hear (he’s like that, you know). You have to pick one.

Even worse, you have to pick one KNOWING that you may not have enough information to make the most informed choice possible.

Even WORSE, you have to pick one knowing that you care for both the others too, and that whoever you pick is likely to know (or find out) that although he won the prize, it wasn’t a landslide victory.

The scary thing here, CFG is that there’s a good chance you’re not going to land any of these three prize fishes. The emotional gymnastics involved in choosing one of them over the other two can easily result in these men finding out that they’re contestants in a pageant with only one judge.

Here’s the BSG’s advice: go with your gut and pick one. At that point, have a conversation with the other two that you like them, but met someone else around the same time you met them and have decided to give it a go with that person.

CFG, you will be inclined to simply let time fix this for you, by hoping that one of the men will lose interest or someone will be forced to move away or some other lucky break. Waiting for this situation to solve itself will almost certainly result in you losing all three of them. So step up. Good luck! ~BSG~