The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

To Cyber-Snoop or Not to Cyber-Snoop

Dear Readers, the Bitter Single Guy has, in his many years here, counseled many of the lovelorn on the fluid ethics of when it’s OK to snoop in your mate’s phone, email or other electronic venue in order to confirm your suspicions. While it’s reprehensible (in the BSG’s opinion) for someone to cheat behind the back of someone to whom they’re committed, the BSG also thinks that cyber-snooping is never a good thing.

The point at which trust is so damaged that you feel your only solution is to secretly spy on your partner is the point at which you should re-think your entire relationship, the BSG thinks.

Well now the state of Michigan also thinks that it’s  pretty bad thing and if you’re not careful you could end up with jail time like this guy. Snooper beware, the BSG says.

Keep reading the article though, was this  a case of robbing the pharmacy to get life-saving medicine? In other words, did the larger issue of potential child abuse (seriously…read the article) justify this Snooper’s actions? The BSG wants to know…

~BSG~

To Sleep Together or Not

The Bitter Single Guy is sure, that when some of you read this you will nod knowingly to yourself because the BSG will have exposed himself as exactly as bitter as you ever expected anyone could be. And yet, bitterness aside, the BSG wants you to examine his point of view here and give him some indication why he’s wrong because of course…he’s not.

The BSG finds that he has an opinion about people sleeping together that he suspects will be unpopular. Now to clarify, the BSG doesn’t use “sleeping together” as a euphemism for sex. The BSG is definitely in favor of folks having sex with each other for all the reasons you can imagine: fun, procreation, fun, intimacy, fun…you know…all those reasons.

No, the BSG actually means two people (who likely are also having sex, although later on in a relationship, perhaps not as much) who choose willingly to sleep in the same bed. In this situation, these nice folks have a double, queen, or (if they’re lucky) king-sized bed and when it’s bedtime they climb in bed together. At this point, if everyone (anyone?) is feeling frisky, there’s likely a little slap-and-tickle time, but afterward books are opened, TVs are turned on or lights are just turned out.

Shortly after the activity, the couple drifts off to sleep. At this point, to the BSG’s experience, the shared bed is primarily one of annoyance. Someone snores too loud, or someone tosses and turns too much, or someone hogs the pillows or the blankets or the real estate itself. There are countless products aimed at reducing the annoyance of sleeping together, including the simple application of medication that will help folks sleep soundly so as not to ignore their bed partner.

The BSG wants to point out here that these co-sleepers are often in house with a whole other bedroom that is reserved for guests and is almost always empty with fresh sheets and barely-used pillows.

So the BSG wants to expose himself (so to speak) as a fan of separate bedrooms. And before you hurt yourself with all that eye-rolling, the BSG has found evidence that he’s not the only one thinking this way. Check out the article here, and the one here where the author has given up trying to suffer through sleeping with folks who she otherwise is quite fond of.

Seriously folks, just go there with the BSG for a few minutes. You and your chosen intimate partner have a great day at the end of which you maybe watch some TV or read some books or have some ‘special time’. After any and all of that, what’s next? Why sleep! Maybe you cuddle and wrap up in each other, but then someone twitches or snorts or turns or in some other way moves around and then everyone is awake. Sometimes this happens several times until finally you both separate and fall asleep.

What if, in the BSG’s fantasy world, after the TV, the reading, the sex and even the cuddling, you both retired to your separate beds to curl up with your separate blankets (that now can’t be hogged), your separate pillows (that now can’t be compromised) and your separate night’s sleep? Think of how romantic it would be to crawl into bed with your intimate-other in the morning after both of you had a peaceful and restful night’s sleep? Think of having no more arguments about snoring, no more nights where you hope you’re the first one to fall asleep! The BSG thinks you’re appreciating his point of view here a little more right now, aren’t you?

A Big Ol’ Bucket of Clusterfuck

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I was reading your posts and I really admire your practical advice. I was hoping maybe you could help me with my situation. I am a junior in college, and for the first time in my life, I feel really good about myself. I have a lot of passions and friends, and generally have a lot to look forward to. It hasn’t always been this way -in fact, quite opposite- so I’m excited for new opportunities.

The issue is my dating life. I’ve always been my own person and very independent, but I have always a one-man woman. However, I have gotten myself into a big bucket of clusterfuck this past semester. There are three -for lack of a better term – gentleman callers in my life, all who like me and have their own awesome personalities and attributes. They’re all good guys -an exchange student, a musician, and an army boy- and I am not exclusive or have said I want to be exclusive with any of them. I was friends with two of them before the attraction between us grew and was realized, and I met another one through a friend of mine (where there was instant attraction). I enjoy talking to and spending time with all of them. (And no, I haven’t slept with any of them).

The problem is, I am having a moral dilemma. I don’t want to play these good guys, but I don’t know what to do. I know some girls are going to read this and be like “you’re ridiculous for feeling bad that three good guys are into you,” but that’s just not the way I roll. I am afraid this is going to blow up in my face, but I am more afraid that I am going to hurt them. I have never been in this position before. I’ve been jaded badly by someone I really cared about, and I don’t want to do that to any of them. But the truth is, I don’t quite know what I want. I am not looking for a relationship right now, but I can’t help that these attractions and feelings are developing and might lead to one with one of them. But for right now, it wouldn’t be fair to them to commit to one of them and still have feelings for another.

So, I guess my question for you, BSG, is, should I “live while I’m young”? Should I inform each party that there are other parties involved – and if so, how would I do that without hurting them? I am at a loss of what to do. How can this work without anyone getting seriously hurt? ~Clusterfuck Girl~

Dear CFG: The Bitter Single Guy knows that there are readers right now gnashing their teeth at the chance to shoot you down, because there are folks (and the BSG has been this guy on more than one occasion) who will wonder why the hell they can’t even get ONE date when not only do you have THREE, but you’re complaining about it.

But truly CFG, the BSG has also been where you are and he totally feels where you’re coming from. These three men have dealt honestly with you and while it’s appropriate to hide behind (or at least hide next to) your statement that you’ve made no promises of exclusivity to any of these men you, the BSG, and these men all know that even without the promise of exclusivity, there is an expectation that you’re not dating three men at once.

CFG, the BSG is going to tell you what you’re not going to hear (he’s like that, you know). You have to pick one.

Even worse, you have to pick one KNOWING that you may not have enough information to make the most informed choice possible.

Even WORSE, you have to pick one knowing that you care for both the others too, and that whoever you pick is likely to know (or find out) that although he won the prize, it wasn’t a landslide victory.

The scary thing here, CFG is that there’s a good chance you’re not going to land any of these three prize fishes. The emotional gymnastics involved in choosing one of them over the other two can easily result in these men finding out that they’re contestants in a pageant with only one judge.

Here’s the BSG’s advice: go with your gut and pick one. At that point, have a conversation with the other two that you like them, but met someone else around the same time you met them and have decided to give it a go with that person.

CFG, you will be inclined to simply let time fix this for you, by hoping that one of the men will lose interest or someone will be forced to move away or some other lucky break. Waiting for this situation to solve itself will almost certainly result in you losing all three of them. So step up. Good luck! ~BSG~

For The Love of A Dog

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’ve between married 5yrs. We got a house a yr ago. My husband did not want a dog from the start. He kept saying a dog would take too much of our lives. I’m ok with that because I don’t get everything I need affection wise from him and need that distraction. We went back and forth for months (6) about the possibility and he finally said absolutely not. I’m pretty sure he was just stringing me along so I wouldn’t press the issue to much.

He kept saying during that time “why don’t u just get a cat? They’re so much easier”. So I did, and adopted two. Only 3 months went by and he wanted them out. They were tearing the carpet and scratching everything. I recently had to take them back (it was so sad), but he finally agreed to a dog, on the contingency that we get our house together (small things like curtains, small pieces of furniture, all unrelated to the space designated for the dog) first and by March can LOOK to get one.

I’ve been trying to now discuss dogs more with him slowly to get his view on the type of dog we should get and breeder we should get it from but he either ignores me or gets really  annoyed and cuts the conversation off and says he is tired. I never get to even begin the conversation. I feel as if I’m once again being blown off. Should I again take things into my own hands or wait for him to come around (this could take forever)?   ~Looking for Furry Companionship~

Dear LFC: The Bitter Single Guy is a dog lover, but has always been (much like your husband) unwilling to get a dog due to what feels like the overwhelming responsibility.

For you though, a couple of quick things LFC: First, don’t take things into your own hands. The BSG assumes that means getting a dog without telling your husband until he gets home and meets the dog for the first time. Given his reluctance so far, the BSG doesn’t think that’s a very good idea for you or your husband and ESPECIALLY for the dog.

Second; the BSG knows that there are “dog people”, which is to say, people who just love having dogs in their lives and can’t imagine a day without muddy paws on their clean clothes. If you’re one of those people then the BSG isn’t really sure what to tell you. Your husband could be an “anti-dog person” which means this is all about the negotiation. If you’re really determined, the BSG recommends just setting a date and working toward that date with clarity and purpose (as opposed to waiting for your husband to agree).

There’s no doubt that you’ll have to live with your husband’s unhappiness while he gets used to the idea of Rover as part of the family.

LFC, the BSG also wants to touch on a point in your letter. If your plan in getting a dog is to fill in some missing part of your relationship with your husband, the BSG is here to tell you it won’t work. Joining a book club for some intellectual stimulation that you’re not getting from your spouse is different from looking for affection that you’re not getting from your spouse. The BSG definitely wants you to work any off that stuff out before Rover arrives.  ~BSG~

Like waking up from a V E R Y long nap…

Oh Gentle Readers, the Bitter Single Guy is certain that you believed he had abandoned you! He never meant to leave you in your emotional turmoil, but it’s been a busy time the BSG has to say.

The nap is over however, and the BSG has a passel of letters (do letters come in passels?) queued up and coming to you. He hopes your holiday season has been a winner and hopes we can hang out here virtually in 2011.