The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

For The Love of A Dog

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’ve between married 5yrs. We got a house a yr ago. My husband did not want a dog from the start. He kept saying a dog would take too much of our lives. I’m ok with that because I don’t get everything I need affection wise from him and need that distraction. We went back and forth for months (6) about the possibility and he finally said absolutely not. I’m pretty sure he was just stringing me along so I wouldn’t press the issue to much.

He kept saying during that time “why don’t u just get a cat? They’re so much easier”. So I did, and adopted two. Only 3 months went by and he wanted them out. They were tearing the carpet and scratching everything. I recently had to take them back (it was so sad), but he finally agreed to a dog, on the contingency that we get our house together (small things like curtains, small pieces of furniture, all unrelated to the space designated for the dog) first and by March can LOOK to get one.

I’ve been trying to now discuss dogs more with him slowly to get his view on the type of dog we should get and breeder we should get it from but he either ignores me or gets really  annoyed and cuts the conversation off and says he is tired. I never get to even begin the conversation. I feel as if I’m once again being blown off. Should I again take things into my own hands or wait for him to come around (this could take forever)?   ~Looking for Furry Companionship~

Dear LFC: The Bitter Single Guy is a dog lover, but has always been (much like your husband) unwilling to get a dog due to what feels like the overwhelming responsibility.

For you though, a couple of quick things LFC: First, don’t take things into your own hands. The BSG assumes that means getting a dog without telling your husband until he gets home and meets the dog for the first time. Given his reluctance so far, the BSG doesn’t think that’s a very good idea for you or your husband and ESPECIALLY for the dog.

Second; the BSG knows that there are “dog people”, which is to say, people who just love having dogs in their lives and can’t imagine a day without muddy paws on their clean clothes. If you’re one of those people then the BSG isn’t really sure what to tell you. Your husband could be an “anti-dog person” which means this is all about the negotiation. If you’re really determined, the BSG recommends just setting a date and working toward that date with clarity and purpose (as opposed to waiting for your husband to agree).

There’s no doubt that you’ll have to live with your husband’s unhappiness while he gets used to the idea of Rover as part of the family.

LFC, the BSG also wants to touch on a point in your letter. If your plan in getting a dog is to fill in some missing part of your relationship with your husband, the BSG is here to tell you it won’t work. Joining a book club for some intellectual stimulation that you’re not getting from your spouse is different from looking for affection that you’re not getting from your spouse. The BSG definitely wants you to work any off that stuff out before Rover arrives.  ~BSG~

Like waking up from a V E R Y long nap…

Oh Gentle Readers, the Bitter Single Guy is certain that you believed he had abandoned you! He never meant to leave you in your emotional turmoil, but it’s been a busy time the BSG has to say.

The nap is over however, and the BSG has a passel of letters (do letters come in passels?) queued up and coming to you. He hopes your holiday season has been a winner and hopes we can hang out here virtually in 2011.

Torn Between School and Relationship

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have a dilemma on my hands. I got out of a bad marriage in 2009. The divorce won’t be final until late 2010. Ex and I have a three year old son together. Needless to say, it has been a rough year, as ex is quite nasty towards me, and I lost my job. There has been a bright spot, however. I began seeing a very nice man last August, and things have been going well. He is a trucker, and to be perfectly honest, when he was out on the road, I had the time to work on finding my subverted self again. It is almost a year later, and he has taken a job so he can be home more often. He gets along with my son great for the most part, although he has shown a little lack of patience with him.

Here is my dilemma: I recently went back to school, and am extremely preoccupied with my studies and being a mom. I have very little time to myself now. I am feeling pulled apart, and worry that with his being around more, I will have even less time. I really care about this man, but I need to make sure I’m making a better life for my son and me. I want to be able to make my own substantial income. After seeing each other for so long, how can I take a step back from this relationship without hurting him? When I broached the subject of not having much time to see him, he immediately brought up his old scars. He says he wants to be a priority, but I know I need to take care of my family first. This man could be the one, but I don’t want to lose myself again, and subject my son to another bad relationship. What do I do? ~Pulled in Too Many Directions~

Dear PTMD: You’ve hit the gist of the problem already and just need to decide what’s more important. The Bitter Single Guy hears you saying that this relationship is important and that this is a Nice Man, you’ve also indicated that you want to feel more secure professionally by advancing your education. PTMD, this is exactly what you think it is…there isn’t any way your Nice Man is going to get as much time as he’s probably used to from you while you’re also studying and raising a 3 year old. This could result in you losing him, you’re correct. Similarly, if you give your time to this man and neglect your studies, any time spent in school won’t amount to a hill of beans because you won’t be able to finish a degree or certification (whatever you’re pursuing).

OK, this is why you come to the BSG, he knows. Other advice columnists will give you wishy-washy answers that leave you with nothing to work with. The BSG is here to stand by you while you make tough decisions. Tell Nice Man that you’re going to do your best, and that he’s important to you, but that you have to stay in school so you can be sure to provide the best future for your son. If Nice Man isn’t prepared for you to put your son before him, then your relationship won’t work anyway, because you’re ALWAYS going to put your son before him (whether he likes it or not…heck, whether YOU like it or not).

Concentrate on your studies, professors won’t allow themselves to be strung along like Nice Man likely will. And comfort yourself after long days with this tidbit: Although Nice Man seems like The One, the BSG believes that most of The Ones are actually The One of Manys (if that makes sense). Short version, if Nice Man bails on your education and child-rearing commitment, there will be another Nice Man. ~BSG~

In Love with my Best Friend

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been friends with this girl for a while now, and I have developed feelings for her. I never wanted to act on it in fear of losing her. We talk all the time, and she recently started dating someone. She had never told me anything about her being in a relationship until I confronted her. She then told me and I have met him, and don’t think he is right for her. I never told her that. She is now acting very strange with me. I know in my head what I want to make of it, but I don’t know what’s real. And I don’t see why she didn’t tell me something was going on when we talk on a regular basis and about anything. I don’t know how I should proceed with this. I know now that she is seeing someone I can’t tell her how I really feel. Should I just work on getting over it, or should I wait and see how things go with her and this guy? ~Biding My Time~

Dear BMT: If the Bitter Single Guy were a gambling man (and he is), he would guess that your Dulcet Dandelion is completely aware of your feelings for her even though you haven’t told her about them. Heck, once you indicated that you “confronted her” about whether she was dating someone, the BSG was pretty sure that Dulcet Dandelion knew about your affection. In most friendships, confrontation isn’t necessary when asking about dating.

So the answer to your question about why she would start dating someone without telling her good friend (you), is that she knew you have feelings for her and she was either:

1. Forgetful
2. Trying to preserve your feelings
3. Not wanting to inspire you to express your feelings because she doesn’t share them.

The BSG suspects choice #3 because if she did have feelings for you and wanted you to know it, you would probably already know it (there are very few people able to conceal their affection for someone that they spend regular time with).

The answer to your second question: whether you should work on getting over it, or wait and see how things go with this guy, the BSG thinks you should get over it. At a minimum, if you’re her friend, she probably expects you to respect her choice of boyfriend even if you don’t think he’s right for her (the BSG wonders if you would find any guy right for her except you).

Short version is that you’re into Dulcet Dandelion and she’s not into you. At a minimum you should tell her how you feel because the BSG guarantees that nothing will happen (good or bad) otherwise. But expect when you tell her to hear that she doesn’t have those feelings for you, but that your friendship is important to her. At that point you’ll have to (as the BSG says above) get over it. ~BSG~

Getting Dumped Sucks

According to the BSG’s recent entirely scientific poll, 20 out of 30 respondents say that getting dumped sucks more than dumping someone. So fully two thirds of respondents confirm what the BSG (and you) probably would have guessed.

But isn’t it interesting that one entire third of respondents say that dumping someone sucks MORE? Hmmm…the BSG thinks this is interesting and that’s why he’s writing The Bitter Single Guy’s Guide to Breaking Up. One third of people will need the book to make the dumping easier, and the other two thirds of you (us?) will need the book to understand what the hell just happened.

It was in a poll, people. It’s true. Answer other BSG polls today.

~BSG~