This man’s wife wants permission to fol around AND keep her husband happily at home. What would YOU advise? Hear what the BSG advises…quickest podcasts online here…it’s like 3 minutes.
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Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been in a relationship with the same guy for a decade and a half.
I have been engaged to this same guy for about six years, right after I graduated college. We had a rough patch while I was in college due to mistrust of my friends on his part, and my perspective that he wasn’t trusting me. We have slowly been trying to repair the damage that experience caused both of us, and frankly at this point I have no idea how well we have done with that any more. Some days seem better than others. It may be important to say that while we went to college at the same time, he dropped out about a year into the whole experience and I graduated. At the time we got engaged, we were both unemployed and agreed to not get married until we could afford to live together and not to live together until we were both legally employed full time.
He hasn’t had any sort of over the table job since he quit his last one in October ’07. I have been
helping him out with his finances since then to the tune of about 500 a month. Two months ago I got my first place and was shocked when he moved in; since we had agreed that he wouldn’t move in until he had a job. I had asked him repeatedly throughout the process if he intended to stick to his end of our agreement, and each time he said yes, and kept on telling me that right up until he helped me move and then started moving his stuff in. When I called him on this he said he was going to be better able to find a job at my place rather than his mother’s house where he and his brother have been living.
At this point I am willing to bet my car that he hasn’t looked anywhere for a job, and while he donates SOME money (his food stamps) for groceries, I pay for EVERYTHING else. Moreover he keeps on ignoring all requests I make that might lessen the costs of the utilities (turn off lights, tvs, fans, space heaters etc.) This all is on top of the 500 a month I am still covering of his stuff, and EVERY time I try to talk about trimming our expenses and usage he blows me off and makes me feel guilty for even bringing it up.
I can’t help but resent all this. Especially since he seems to need a great deal of time alone, which means that I spend a great deal of time alone in my bedroom so he can spend his time playing with my cat, and messing around online? He doesn’t treat me with respect, and seems to expect me to do the cooking and the dishes, and any cleaning doesn’t involve creatively rearranging his stuff. He doesn’t listen to me, and has a hissy fit every time I can’t hear what he mutters over the constant hum of the TVs/computer/fans/space heaters. I KNOW that if our positions were reversed, If I were living off his income for a number of years, constantly asking for more money, and did NOTHING to make up for the expenses I was using, I would be called a gold-digging bitch. Hell, I’ve heard him say the same of women his brother/cousins/friends that were doing the same. I warned him that I would end up resenting him and the relationship if I were the sole support for both of us. He constantly lies to his family about when the wedding date is and expects me to back him up rather than tell the truth about why there is no wedding date, and after all this time I really don’t know if I want to get married to him if this is how it’s going to be. Every time I ask him about the job hunting, or give him possible leads to jobs he gets angry. I feel used, unwanted, unwelcome in my own home and in general unloved. As a guy, what would you recommend as a course of action? Have I somehow emasculated him? Am I just being a doormat? Am I being unreasonable? ~A Very Depressed Girlfriend~
Dear AVDP: You’re being a doormat. Dump him.
The BSG knows that the voice in your head (that seems to be in all of our heads at varying volumes) will tell you that you’ve got 15 years invested with this loser so you can’t give up now. The BSG recommends asking that voice whether, after two weeks with the flu, it thinks you should keep the flu because you’ve already got two weeks invested. Similarly, if you bought a beautiful new car off the showroom floor and drove it for 15 years, shit would start to fall off of it. At what point of leaving you stranded, broken air conditioning, torn seats and rattly wheels would you sell the damned thing to some sucker more desperate than you are?
That’s it AVDP; dump him. ~BSG~
Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been dating a lovely man for the past 2 years. We met in college- he was a year farther ahead in school than I was; he just graduated and moved 800 mi away to attend graduate school. I have remained in my home state to finish my final year of school and graduate with my undergraduate. We’ve been doing the long distance thing for our year apart.
My parents have never been too fond of him- though they don’t blatantly dislike him, they feel we are both too young to be as serious as we are. With graduation coming soon in May, I must choose whether to stay close to home and find a job or move to his city and work there (as he is in a PhD program, he can’t move to where I am). I understand that there is a huge risk involved in moving- thus, I do not intend to be financially dependent or living with my boyfried so that in the event that things did go downhill, I would not be putting my well-being at risk.
No matter what I do, I will step on someone’s toes. I’m 20 years old, never had a true ‘fight to the death’ with my parents, and don’t want to risk losing a man I truly love. I see three options:
1.) Continue to reside and work in my home state; family problems non-existent, puts relationship on hold
2.) Move to his state to reside and work; family problems ensue, solid relationship move (assuming things go well)/
3.) Move home and work for a company that has offices in both states, work for several months in home state and request a transfer to his state; still family drama (perhaps less), moving to be close to him, although it would certainly delay the process.
Have I overlooked something? Or am I being foolish trying to please all parties involved. ~What’s The Next Move?~
Dear WNM: This is totally easy for the Bitter Single Guy and for you. Option 2 is the correct choice.
Your family will not like that you’re moving away. They need to get over it; baby birds grow up and leave nests…it’s the state of the species. Your relationship will likely not work out; he’s in a PhD program, you’ll be starting a new life, you’re both in a new city. These are tough obstacles to get over, but there are always tough obstacles to get over.
So with all these negatives, why is the BSG putting his big booted foot into your feathered ass to get you out? Because becoming an adult (a lifelong pursuit by the way) requires that you learn and grow and experience new things. Why wait? Do it WNM. You’ll totally thank the BSG. ~BSG~
Dear Bitter Single Guy: My boyfriend just asked me to move up with him when he moves to Vermont. I knew he was going there for school for a while now and got used to the idea, but now a friend of his is thinking of moving up there as well. My beau says that if we both raise enough money to help cover rent, we can live up there for a year easily. I have a month to decide if I want to go, if my boyfriend’s friend and the friend’s girlfriend decide to move as well. I love the idea of being able to see him more often while he goes to a school that he loves, but I just can’t see me moving up with him. One reason is that we are just eighteen. Yes, he will be nineteen by the time this happens, but that still is young. He’s been mistaken as being older and is complimented on how he is so mature and responsible he is. He may be older than his age, but I’m not.
I just got used to living away from home and my family and I don’t think I will be completely confident in my survival skills for a long time. I also am going to college now with almost wholly on scholar ships and state aid and would still do so if I stayed at the school I am at now. I don’t know how I will pay to transfer and go to another school. I have also made friends at my school that I don’t want to lose, which is a big thing for me. I am sure I will find some in Vermont if I do move, but I think I would feel as if I left my new friends behind. So, BSG, what do you think? Should I decide to go? Is it selfish of me not to completely jump on this opportunity or is it selfish on my boyfriend’s part to think I should? Maybe I am worrying about this to much…
Thank you for taking you time to read this and I hope that is not to long. ~On the Border~
Dear OTB: The Bitter Single Guy appreciates that, at the tender age of 18, you’re giving this so much thought. That said, the BSG was pretty sure he knew his answer before he finished reading your letter.
Don’t go. All your reasons for not going are good ones: your age, his age, your friends, your scholarship, the living arrangement. The reasons for going seem to be limited to “because he asked”.
You, your boyfriend, the friend and the friend’s girlfriend all living together while you all get settled in school, with friends, and as room-mates for the very first time is a clear recipe for disaster to the BSG.
Get ready for your boyfriend to dump you if you say you won’t move, but the BSG can say with 100% certainty that if he actually dumps you because you won’t move, the relationship wouldn’t have survived the move anyway. ~BSG~
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