The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Evolve, Evolve, Evolve

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been dating a lovely man for the past 2 years.  We met in college- he was a year farther ahead in school than I was; he just graduated and moved 800 mi away to attend graduate school.  I have remained in my home state to finish my final year of school and graduate with my undergraduate.  We’ve been doing the long distance thing for our year apart.

My parents have never been too fond of him- though they don’t blatantly dislike him, they feel we are both too young to be as serious as we are.  With graduation coming soon in May, I must choose whether to stay close to home and find a job or move to his city and work there (as he is in a PhD program, he can’t move to where I am).  I understand that there is a huge risk involved in moving- thus, I do not intend to be financially dependent or living with my boyfried so that in the event that things did go downhill, I would not be putting my well-being at risk.

No matter what I do, I will step on someone’s toes.  I’m 20 years old, never had a true ‘fight to the death’ with my parents, and don’t want to risk losing a man I truly love.  I see three options:

1.) Continue to reside and work in my home state; family problems non-existent, puts relationship on hold

2.) Move to his state to reside and work; family problems ensue, solid relationship move (assuming things go well)/

3.) Move home and work for a company that has offices in both states, work for several months in home state and request a transfer to his state; still family drama (perhaps less), moving to be close to him, although it would certainly delay the process.

Have I overlooked something?  Or am I being foolish trying to please all parties involved. ~What’s The Next Move?~

Dear WNM: This is totally easy for the Bitter Single Guy and for you. Option 2 is the correct choice.

Your family will not like that you’re moving away. They need to get over it; baby birds grow up and leave nests…it’s the state of the species. Your relationship will likely not work out; he’s in a PhD program, you’ll be starting a new life, you’re both in a new city. These are tough obstacles to get over, but there are always tough obstacles to get over.

So with all these negatives, why is the BSG putting his big booted foot into your feathered ass to get you out? Because becoming an adult (a lifelong pursuit by the way) requires that you learn and grow and experience new things. Why wait? Do it WNM. You’ll totally thank the BSG. ~BSG~

Knowing When It’s Over

Check out the BSG’s newest podcast (BSGCast?).

9_12_11 BSG

Should She Move With Her BF?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My boyfriend just asked me to move up with him when he moves to Vermont. I knew he was going there for school for a while now and got used to the idea, but now a friend of his is thinking of moving up there as well. My beau says that if we both raise enough money to help cover rent, we can live up there for a year easily. I have a month to decide if I want to go, if my boyfriend’s friend and the friend’s girlfriend decide to move as well. I love the idea of being able to see him more often while he goes to a school that he loves, but I just can’t see me moving up with him. One reason is that we are just eighteen. Yes, he will be nineteen by the time this happens, but that still is young. He’s been mistaken as being older and is complimented on how he is so mature and responsible he is. He may be older than his age, but I’m not.

I just got used to living away from home and my family and I don’t think I will be completely confident in my survival skills for a long time. I also am going to college now with almost wholly on scholar ships and state aid and would still do so if I stayed at the school I am at now. I don’t know how I will pay to transfer and go to another school. I have also made friends at my school that I don’t want to lose, which is a big thing for me. I am sure I will find some in Vermont if I do move, but I think I would feel as if I left my new friends behind. So, BSG, what do you think? Should I decide to go? Is it selfish of me not to completely jump on this opportunity or is it selfish on my boyfriend’s part to think I should? Maybe I am worrying about this to much…

Thank you for taking you time to read this and I hope that is not to long. ~On the Border~

Dear OTB: The Bitter Single Guy appreciates that, at the tender age of 18, you’re giving this so much thought. That said, the BSG was pretty sure he knew his answer before he finished reading your letter.

Don’t go. All your reasons for not going are good ones: your age, his age, your friends, your scholarship, the living arrangement. The reasons for going seem to be limited to “because he asked”.

You, your boyfriend, the friend and the friend’s girlfriend all living together while you all get settled in school, with friends, and as room-mates for the very first time is a clear recipe for disaster to the BSG.

Get ready for your boyfriend to dump you if you say you won’t move, but the BSG can say with 100% certainty that if he actually dumps you because you won’t move, the relationship wouldn’t have survived the move anyway. ~BSG~

No Sex for 3 Months Because of HPV

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. Early in our relationship he told me that at one point he was diagnosed with HPV and was treated. 3 months ago the problem, ahem… made an appearance. He went to take care of it. When he was healing I did an inspection, and found what looked like another different outbreak of the same thing. He said he would go back and get it taken care of. That was two months ago and he still hasn’t gone back to take care of it.

At this point I feel like he doesn’t really want me that way and it’s really affecting my self esteem. I’m thinking of breaking-up with him… I’m also grossed-out that he’s okay with having a disease??

PS. We’ve had other issues in the past – he’s uncomfortable with any kind of intimacy and says that he is actually closest to me than to anyone else in his life, I am his first relationship since he was 16 and he’s in his late twenties now and other things have happened too.

He’s worked very hard to change and make things from our past right (things he says he’s changing because it makes him very happy as well).

I love him very much but things like intimacy (sex included) are very important to me. I don’t know if I’m being neurotic and not seeing things from his point of view or ignoring clear signs that we shouldn’t be together.

I’ve never been the type to try to “fix” a guy, I usually walk away at the drop of a hat, until now. Help. ~Icky-ness Down There~

Dear IDT: On your behalf, the Bitter Single Guy conducted exhaustive internet research for nearly 5 full minutes. The BSG realized that although he had heard of HPV, he really didn’t know what it was except that he was pretty sure he didn’t want it (turns out the BSG was right about that). Here are some interesting details the BSG found from the CDC (Centers for Disease Control):

• HPV is not the same as herpes or HIV (the virus that causes AIDS).
• Most people with HPV do not develop symptoms or health problems from it.
• In 90% of cases, the body’s immune system clears HPV naturally within two years (let’s hear it for our immune systems!).
• In cases when the body does not fight off HPV, it can cause visible changes in the form of genital warts or cancer.
• The types of HPV that can cause genital warts are not the same as the types that can cause cancer.
• Vaccines can protect against some of the most common types of HPV.

There is tons more fascinating information about genital warts and HPV-related cancers (seriously fascinating) at the CDC website, so the BSG recommends you checking out those details and also strongly recommends talking to your doctor about having a partner who has had HPV. The BSG also recommends the San Fransisco Sex Information website (and hot line).

OK, all that out of the way, the BSG will now get to the part of your question he’s actually experienced with (so to speak). A big part of what’s happening here is that Reluctant Ralphie seems to be using his handy STD to keep you from heading *ahem* down there. Embracing this barrier to intimacy seems in line with his discomfort with intimacy.

IDT, the BSG has to tell you that his alarms started going off with:

• Reluctant Ralphie is uncomfortable with intimacy
• You’re his first relationship since he was 16 and he’s now in his late 20’s
• He’s hung around with an untreated STD for 2 months after learning of an outbreak
• Your statement that “other things have happened too” (you didn’t think the BSG would just let that go, did you?)

OK, the BSG is going to wander out onto a limb which could be unprepared to hold his weight, resulting in the BSG plunging into the endless abyss of unsubstantiated accusations. Here goes.

Reluctant Ralphie isn’t all that into you IDT, but he’s scared to death of intimacy so he remains involved with you because he’s figured out how to stay with you while avoiding intimacy. Reasons for this could range from you’re not his type, to some deep-seated psychological issues. The BSG isn’t willing to walk out on those limbs at this point, but he’s pretty safe on this one…namely the one where Reluctant Ralphie is using you as his shield against fixing whatever else is going on.

The BSG is of the opinion (this is a scary limb, but he’s going out there) that you should set a firm boundary about what’s acceptable behavior (fix this STD, get busy in the sexy department, fix whatever else is indicated by “other things” that have happened), and a timeline for these changes (the BSG strongly recommends fewer than two weeks).

That said, the BSG is also pretty sure that this will cause a downward spiral of Reluctant Ralphie’s issues (whatever they are) and that you’ll end up breaking up with him. When this happens  (the BSG thinks this is pretty certain), be his friend and help him find a local support group or therapist. If however, Reluctant Ralphie is just lazy and didn’t want to break up with you even though he wasn’t into you, well let him wallow in single-hood for another few years and maybe he’ll decide to take some responsibility for his life.  But at the very least, the BSG is sure it’s not your responsibility. ~BSG~

Don’t Teach a Pig to Sing

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Do you think it’s possible for a BSG to move on from their bitterness and fear?  Especially a BSG with a great big heart that wants love more than anything else in the world but is terrified of the prospect.

For those of us that have fallen for a BSG how do we know if our guy, given time, can fix himself?  How do we help him in this task?  Is that even possible? Or how can we best judge when it’s hopeless and best to move on ourselves?

Part of me thinks that if I were my BSGs “right one” I wouldn’t have these questions to ask.  The other part believes that time heals all. ~Hoping for Hope~

Dear HFH: Does the Bitter Single Guy understand that you’re hooked on a man who you perceive to be mired in bitterness and fear in a way that prevents him from being happy in a relationship (specifically, a relationship with you)?

Step away, HFH. There is an old adage that one should never try to teach a pig to sing because it doesn’t work and just annoys the pig. Not to infer that The Object of Your Affection (TOYA) is in any way pig-like, but what you did in this letter to the BSG is throw your own expectations and assumptions all over TOYA as if you understand what he needs better than he does.

If, in fact, this man is buried in bitterness (which is only a bad thing if it lasts an unreasonable amount of time, given that the definition of “unreasonable” changes based on the circumstances) and if, in fact, you have only his welfare in mind then as his friend you might recommend he find himself a therapist or similar outside helper.

However, the BSG is pretty sure that you’ve decided that because TOYA isn’t interested in being with YOU then he must have some leftover bitterness and drama that’s preventing him from wooing you. Whether this is true or not, trying to get him past his reluctance to date you by tagging him as bitter and fearful will only irritate him (thus, the pig reference).

By the way, if TOYA has actually agreed to be in a relationship with you, then the BSG has to say that the pig was asking for it (so to speak) and you aren’t to be blamed for your involvement, but the advice remains the same. Getting over bitterness is everyone’s private journey, although a therapist (or very skilled friend) can help provide motivation for the journey. ~BSG~