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Horrible Heartbreak Part 4

August 6th, 2013 | No Comments | Posted in Stay Or Go?

Some Awkward Nincompoopery
Part 4

Dear Readers, yesterday’s installment of nincompoopery saw our hero fall to his knees in despair (seriously, it’s actually in the letter…the BSG can’t make this shit up) when Perfect Girl got drunk and dumped him for cheating. Turns out she was actually just a human. Who knew? (OK, all the rest of us knew) But it’s not over yet, we continue here with the story already in process…

Dear BSG: So, I went on with my life, I was in a few short, unhealthy relationships, and always found myself forcing feelings. 6 months later, after seeing him (Player Guy) and her (Perfect Angel) exchange those three words (I love you) publicly, they broke up. I talked to her about it, and found out he was more of a horrible person than I thought. In their relationship, they fought constantly, he talked to her like a dog, he constantly brought her down, and just flat out treated her like shit. I was doing better than average at the time. Then 8 months after we broke up, we decided to meet up and talk. We were best friends when we dated, and when we talked, all the old feelings came back. I thought I understood completely why she did what she did. “It was out of pain because of what I did.” We kissed. I finally felt alive again, I blew the girl off who I was currently seeing off right away. Because my love for Sydney just felt right. After constantly hanging out and talking to Sydney for about a month straight, she had my heart again…then one night she said something that made my heart sink to my stomach, “I need to tell you something.”

She told me she cheated on me a week before she ended things with me. She said one night she snuck out of her house (something she would never even consider doing with me, although we always talked about her doing it one time) and she met up with him, had a few hour conversation with him, and when they were leaving each other, then kissed. Yes, I know, kissing doesn’t seem like a huge deal, but that whole time she was telling me she loved me, she was kissing him earlier that night, and most likely the next day. She went on to tell me how she started texting him under one of her girlfriends name over two week before she cheated. I was confused. How could she keep that from me for 8 months? Why was I not worth telling? Why didn’t she tell me she did that (something that happened while we were dating) instead of telling me she had sex with him while we weren’t dating. It’s like she wanted to get to me love her again just so I couldn’t get away this time. ~Some Awkward Nincompoopery~

Dear SAN: Well the BSG was advising you to get out, but he realizes that sometimes getting past difficulty can make a relationship stronger. Well OK then, let’s see how this is working out? Player Guy turned out to be a big meanie. Don’t tell the BSG that you didn’t have any “I told you so” reaction to that, but really…the BSG himself felt a little of that, so he thinks you were pretty justified. So then you and Perfect Girl got together as friends, discovered your love for each other was still there, and you jumped back into relationship together. The BSG has to say that there may be a karmic debt to pay for “blowing off the girl you were currently seeing”, but that’s for another day.

So far this all seems fine SAN, but then you descend into some nincompoopery again. So apparently somewhere in all this you sexting girls and getting caught, you now learn that Perfect Girl had a little fling herself. By the way SAN, you need to stop saying that she’s doing things that aren’t like her (like sneaking out at night) because obviously they ARE like her or she wouldn’t be doing it. Sneaking out for a late-night tryst may not have been part of her experience with YOU, but clearly she got motivated for this new guy.

So yes, she carried on her own little bit of deception while she was with you. The BSG can’t believe he has to point this out again, but in this example Perfect Girl was doing pretty much exactly what you were doing with all the sexting, wasn’t she? Yes it’s possible that she waited to share this detail until you were all back up into each other so you wouldn’t bail, but really can you blame her? The good news here is that she probably wants to preserve your relationship and that’s why she waited until you were fully back in love before telling you about her indiscretion. The BSG recommends, once you’re past feeling all hurt and stuff, thinking of this as a good thing.

OK, there is still one more part to all of this…tune in next time for the BSG’s and SAN’s dramatic conclusion. What happens to Perfect Girl? To SAN? What, in the name of all that’s holy, happens to Player Guy?! Find out in a couple more days.

Bisexual Boyfriend Videocast

January 17th, 2013 | No Comments | Posted in Stay Or Go?

After 13 years of online relationship advice, here is the BSG on video! Click here to subscribe to the BSG’s YouTube channel so you don’t miss a single video. Look for the next video on January 29.

 

httpv://youtu.be/68iZFj5lyQk

The Heartbreak of Premature Ejaculation

August 16th, 2012 | No Comments | Posted in Stay Or Go?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been seeing a guy for about 9 months now. I have known him for over 15 years and we have always been really good friends. At first I didn’t really notice that the sex was unusual with lots of starting and stopping, but then I came to realize that he suffers from premature ejaculation. Lately I have been pretty unhappy in the relationship (he seems emotionally distant) and I often think that maybe it is time to end it. I do wonder though if he might be distant because of his performance problems? He does ask for reassurance, which I always give him, but I’m just not sure if he totally believes me. I care about him a lot and I don’t want to lose him as a friend and I am not ending the relationship because of the premature ejaculation problem. I guess I’m really worried about him and I think that if I broke up with him he would think that it was because I was unhappy with our sex life. I know that we had a conversation about our first times (with other people) and he said his was a horrible experience and that he didn’t want to talk about it. That makes me sad and concerned that he may be getting rejected by women for the performance problem further adding to his anxiety? So do I give this relationship time and see if I can help him with this problem and hopefully build up his confidence and hopefully see the relationship improve as a result? Or do I end the unhappy relationship with the emotionally distant guy and hopefully get my friend back? Sometimes I think I will just keep going and let him decide when the relationship has run its course because I’d rather be unhappy then see him hurt in any way. This approach is killing me though because for the few times I am happy the other 90% of the time I am completely miserable.
I really would like to hear a man’s unbiased opinion on this problem. Thank you for your help. ~Martyrdom Is A Drag~

Dear MIAD: The Bitter Single Guy is glad for this guy, that folks like you exist to be miserable rather than causing him pain. Wait, no he’s not. You’re not keeping this guy from anything, the BSG thinks you’re actually just gritting your teeth and (you say this) hoping he’ll decide to dump YOU.

OK first MIAD, the BSG will tell you what he’s told others and some of his brethren will cringe that the BSG is telling this tale. Sexual performance is a “thing” for all men. Some men reading this are puffing up their chests and proclaiming “not me, dude! I can go all day!” But deep down, the BSG knows that guy watches Cialis commercials with dread for what his future may hold. Without going too deeply into the socio-cultural underpinnings, the BSG will just say that, at least in Western culture, the very essence of manhood (and therefore of value) is in penis-related activities. So your Premature Pal is probably embarrassed and stressed out over this issue…likely WAY more than you.

So is this a cause of his emotional distance? Sure, that’s likely. It’s also possible that he’s just emotionally distant, or that he’s also feeling like your relationship is coming to a close. So the BSG is going to split this into two questions:
1. Should you stay in a relationship where you are miserable 90% of the time? No.
2. How should you help your boyfriend with his premature ejaculation issue? As his trusted girlfriend, you have an opportunity to recommend that he get some help. SO doctor, a therapist, a support group…all of these are ways for your Premature Pal to get some medical help, some therapy, or at least tome techniques for how he can have a satisfying sex life. (where he doesnt have to ask for reassurance. That caught the BSG’s attention as your Premature Pal’s attempt to make this issue your responsibility. Sharing responsibility makes sense, but he BSG would look out for blaming…this doesn’t get to be a real problem if he gets to blame it on you. The BSG doesn’t have any information from you that this is true, but he wouldn’t be surprised.)

So the BSG’s advice is that you make recommendations to your boyfriend about how he can find some help and THEN have a conversation about emotional distance, where you describe examples for him (we dudes are a literal bunch, we like examples, not vague terms like “emotional distance”). With any luck he’ll turn it around and you’ll be happily ever after, but the BSG suspects that you’ll end up apart (since it sounds like you’re already there).

By the way, the BSG wishes he had good advice for converting this relationship back to a friendship, but crossing the bridge from friend to lover is much easier than crossing back, so it may be a few years before your friendship is back. ~BSG~

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Podcast: His Wife Wants Permission to Fool Around

May 5th, 2012 | No Comments | Posted in Stay Or Go?

This man’s wife wants permission to fol around AND keep her husband happily at home. What would YOU advise? Hear what the BSG advises…quickest podcasts online here…it’s like 3 minutes. May 1, 2012

Should She Boot Him?

February 17th, 2012 | No Comments | Posted in I'm A Tool, Stay Or Go?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been in a relationship with the same guy for a decade and a half.

I have been engaged to this same guy for about six years, right after I graduated college. We had a rough patch while I was in college due to mistrust of my friends on his part, and my perspective that he wasn’t  trusting me. We have slowly been trying to repair the damage that experience caused both of us,  and frankly at this point I have no idea how well we have done with that any more. Some days seem better than others. It may be important to say that while we went to college at the same time, he dropped out about a year into the whole experience and I graduated. At the time we got engaged, we were both unemployed and agreed to not get married until we could afford to live together and not to live together until we were both legally employed full time.

He hasn’t had any sort of over the table job since he quit his last one in October ’07. I have been
helping him out with his finances since then to the tune of about 500 a month.  Two months ago I got my first place and was shocked when he moved in; since we had agreed that he wouldn’t move in until he had a job.  I had asked him repeatedly throughout the process if he intended to stick to his end of our agreement, and each time he said yes, and kept on telling me that right up until he helped me move and then started moving his stuff in. When I called him on this he said he was going to be better able to find a job at my place rather than his mother’s house where he and his brother have been living.

At this point I am willing to bet my car that he hasn’t looked anywhere for a job, and while he donates SOME money (his food stamps) for groceries, I pay for EVERYTHING else.  Moreover he keeps on ignoring all requests I make that might lessen the costs of the utilities (turn off lights, tvs, fans, space heaters etc.) This all is on top of the 500 a month I am still covering of his stuff, and EVERY time I try to talk about trimming our expenses and usage he blows me off and makes me feel guilty for even bringing it up.

I can’t help but resent all this. Especially since he seems to need a great deal of time alone, which means that I spend a great deal of time alone in my bedroom so he can spend his time playing with my cat, and messing around online? He doesn’t treat me with respect, and seems to expect me to do the cooking and the dishes, and any cleaning doesn’t involve creatively rearranging his stuff. He doesn’t listen to me, and has a hissy fit every time I can’t hear what he mutters over the constant hum of the TVs/computer/fans/space heaters.  I KNOW that if our positions were reversed, If I were living off his income for a number of years,  constantly asking for more money, and did NOTHING to make up for the expenses I was using, I would be called a gold-digging bitch. Hell, I’ve heard him say the same of women his brother/cousins/friends that were doing the same.  I warned him that I would end up resenting him and the relationship if I were the sole support for both of us. He constantly lies to his family about when the wedding date is and expects me to back him up rather than tell the truth about why there is no wedding date, and after all this time I really don’t know if I want to get married to him if this is how it’s going to be. Every time I ask him about the job hunting, or give him possible leads to jobs he gets angry. I feel used, unwanted, unwelcome in my own home and in general unloved. As a guy, what would you recommend as a course of action? Have I somehow emasculated him? Am I just being a doormat? Am I being unreasonable? ~A Very Depressed Girlfriend~

Dear AVDP: You’re being a doormat. Dump him.

The BSG knows that the voice in your head (that seems to be in all of our heads at varying volumes) will tell you that you’ve got 15 years invested with this loser so you can’t give up now. The BSG recommends asking that voice whether, after two weeks with the flu, it thinks you should keep the flu because you’ve already got two weeks invested. Similarly, if you bought a beautiful new car off the showroom floor and drove it for 15 years, shit would start to fall off of it. At what point of leaving you stranded, broken air conditioning, torn seats and rattly wheels would you sell the damned thing to some sucker more desperate than you are?

That’s it AVDP; dump him. ~BSG~

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