The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

No Sex for 3 Months Because of HPV

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. Early in our relationship he told me that at one point he was diagnosed with HPV and was treated. 3 months ago the problem, ahem… made an appearance. He went to take care of it. When he was healing I did an inspection, and found what looked like another different outbreak of the same thing. He said he would go back and get it taken care of. That was two months ago and he still hasn’t gone back to take care of it.

At this point I feel like he doesn’t really want me that way and it’s really affecting my self esteem. I’m thinking of breaking-up with him… I’m also grossed-out that he’s okay with having a disease??

PS. We’ve had other issues in the past – he’s uncomfortable with any kind of intimacy and says that he is actually closest to me than to anyone else in his life, I am his first relationship since he was 16 and he’s in his late twenties now and other things have happened too.

He’s worked very hard to change and make things from our past right (things he says he’s changing because it makes him very happy as well).

I love him very much but things like intimacy (sex included) are very important to me. I don’t know if I’m being neurotic and not seeing things from his point of view or ignoring clear signs that we shouldn’t be together.

I’ve never been the type to try to “fix” a guy, I usually walk away at the drop of a hat, until now. Help. ~Icky-ness Down There~

Dear IDT: On your behalf, the Bitter Single Guy conducted exhaustive internet research for nearly 5 full minutes. The BSG realized that although he had heard of HPV, he really didn’t know what it was except that he was pretty sure he didn’t want it (turns out the BSG was right about that). Here are some interesting details the BSG found from the CDC (Centers for Disease Control):

• HPV is not the same as herpes or HIV (the virus that causes AIDS).
• Most people with HPV do not develop symptoms or health problems from it.
• In 90% of cases, the body’s immune system clears HPV naturally within two years (let’s hear it for our immune systems!).
• In cases when the body does not fight off HPV, it can cause visible changes in the form of genital warts or cancer.
• The types of HPV that can cause genital warts are not the same as the types that can cause cancer.
• Vaccines can protect against some of the most common types of HPV.

There is tons more fascinating information about genital warts and HPV-related cancers (seriously fascinating) at the CDC website, so the BSG recommends you checking out those details and also strongly recommends talking to your doctor about having a partner who has had HPV. The BSG also recommends the San Fransisco Sex Information website (and hot line).

OK, all that out of the way, the BSG will now get to the part of your question he’s actually experienced with (so to speak). A big part of what’s happening here is that Reluctant Ralphie seems to be using his handy STD to keep you from heading *ahem* down there. Embracing this barrier to intimacy seems in line with his discomfort with intimacy.

IDT, the BSG has to tell you that his alarms started going off with:

• Reluctant Ralphie is uncomfortable with intimacy
• You’re his first relationship since he was 16 and he’s now in his late 20’s
• He’s hung around with an untreated STD for 2 months after learning of an outbreak
• Your statement that “other things have happened too” (you didn’t think the BSG would just let that go, did you?)

OK, the BSG is going to wander out onto a limb which could be unprepared to hold his weight, resulting in the BSG plunging into the endless abyss of unsubstantiated accusations. Here goes.

Reluctant Ralphie isn’t all that into you IDT, but he’s scared to death of intimacy so he remains involved with you because he’s figured out how to stay with you while avoiding intimacy. Reasons for this could range from you’re not his type, to some deep-seated psychological issues. The BSG isn’t willing to walk out on those limbs at this point, but he’s pretty safe on this one…namely the one where Reluctant Ralphie is using you as his shield against fixing whatever else is going on.

The BSG is of the opinion (this is a scary limb, but he’s going out there) that you should set a firm boundary about what’s acceptable behavior (fix this STD, get busy in the sexy department, fix whatever else is indicated by “other things” that have happened), and a timeline for these changes (the BSG strongly recommends fewer than two weeks).

That said, the BSG is also pretty sure that this will cause a downward spiral of Reluctant Ralphie’s issues (whatever they are) and that you’ll end up breaking up with him. When this happens  (the BSG thinks this is pretty certain), be his friend and help him find a local support group or therapist. If however, Reluctant Ralphie is just lazy and didn’t want to break up with you even though he wasn’t into you, well let him wallow in single-hood for another few years and maybe he’ll decide to take some responsibility for his life.  But at the very least, the BSG is sure it’s not your responsibility. ~BSG~

Don’t Teach a Pig to Sing

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Do you think it’s possible for a BSG to move on from their bitterness and fear?  Especially a BSG with a great big heart that wants love more than anything else in the world but is terrified of the prospect.

For those of us that have fallen for a BSG how do we know if our guy, given time, can fix himself?  How do we help him in this task?  Is that even possible? Or how can we best judge when it’s hopeless and best to move on ourselves?

Part of me thinks that if I were my BSGs “right one” I wouldn’t have these questions to ask.  The other part believes that time heals all. ~Hoping for Hope~

Dear HFH: Does the Bitter Single Guy understand that you’re hooked on a man who you perceive to be mired in bitterness and fear in a way that prevents him from being happy in a relationship (specifically, a relationship with you)?

Step away, HFH. There is an old adage that one should never try to teach a pig to sing because it doesn’t work and just annoys the pig. Not to infer that The Object of Your Affection (TOYA) is in any way pig-like, but what you did in this letter to the BSG is throw your own expectations and assumptions all over TOYA as if you understand what he needs better than he does.

If, in fact, this man is buried in bitterness (which is only a bad thing if it lasts an unreasonable amount of time, given that the definition of “unreasonable” changes based on the circumstances) and if, in fact, you have only his welfare in mind then as his friend you might recommend he find himself a therapist or similar outside helper.

However, the BSG is pretty sure that you’ve decided that because TOYA isn’t interested in being with YOU then he must have some leftover bitterness and drama that’s preventing him from wooing you. Whether this is true or not, trying to get him past his reluctance to date you by tagging him as bitter and fearful will only irritate him (thus, the pig reference).

By the way, if TOYA has actually agreed to be in a relationship with you, then the BSG has to say that the pig was asking for it (so to speak) and you aren’t to be blamed for your involvement, but the advice remains the same. Getting over bitterness is everyone’s private journey, although a therapist (or very skilled friend) can help provide motivation for the journey. ~BSG~

A Waste of Inbox Space

Dear Bitter Single Guy: So for the past month of march I have been talking to this guy. I met him at a friend’s superbowl party and have seen him on & off at my friends house. One day we just started texting & it just went on from there. The thing is that’s all he does. Text. He never really makes an effort to see me or make plans but yet always always always texts me from early in the morning to the end of the day. I’m 17 & we don’t go to the same high school by the way. I told him about this & he admitted that he knew he was doing it & that he wasn’t really making an effort. But it still continued. So for a week I’ve been ignoring him on & off. Recently I stopped altogether texting him & he hasn’t texted me since. Thing is he’s texting my friend saying he misses me & stuff. I’m THINKING about giving him another chance & see if he changes or tries to make effort to make this work. I do really like him but am i wasting my time, energy, & inbox space on him? Advice please.

PS: The ironic thing is he said he’s more action then talk. Hmmmm….. ~Tired Thumbs from Texting~

Dear TTT: This guy’s assertion that he’s more action than talk makes the Bitter Single Guy want to ask what his definition of “action” is. Clearly if Tommy Texter’s idea of action is lots of texting, then he’s all over you (in a good way).

TTT, the BSG supports your impulse to step away. Tommy Texter doesn’t actually miss you (despite what he’s texted to your friend), he misses the words your fingers and thumbs were able to make appear on his phone. It may surprise him to know that you’re more multi-faceted than that and have more to offer.

Kick him to the curb, TTT. If he wants to have a conversation on the phone or (heaven forbid) in person, then let him call you.

~BSG~

Online Relationship Rollercoaster

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I don’t like my girlfriend the same way everyday.
Mostly I adore my gf and love her very much. Her happiness and satisfactions is very imp to me. But there are few days when I don’t like any of this… I regret being in a relationship and think of reasons why I should discontinue (like trying to find flaws in her or in the relationship). I don’t exactly hate her, but I just can’t find a reason y I fell for her, but then something happens the next day, and I forget all of it, and become my usual self again. I feel that everything will work out for d best and start caring for her once again.

So u c, I m on an emotional rollercoaster ride, where some days are very nice, and some days are real sad. Is this normal in a relationship, does this kind of thing happen to u too??? Or are all days rosy and sweet ???
P.S: what we have is something like an online relationship, been abt 2 months…..we talk on d phone almost daily for nearly an hour at least…. however we started chatting abt an year ago…. we hav met only once… which was abt a week ago. ~Riding the Roller Coaster~

Dear RRC: First the Bitter Single Guy has to comment that he has gotten letters every now and then in “text-speech”, but yours required the most translation so far. Whew! The BSG feels all proud of his 21^st century cred, now.

RRC, the BSG has two things for you:

1.       Every relationship for the rest of your life will be a combination of really good days, really crappy days and days that are sort of mediocre in between. There is no way around this, it’s the result of changing moods, changing age, changing weather, changing underwear…there really is no telling. But it’s a moving target. The challenge is to be sure the good days outweigh the bad ones.

2.       If you’ve been talking on the phone and only met in person once, the BSG has bad news, but your relationship hasn’t actually begun yet. There are critical dynamics that are present in person that you’ll just never reach on the phone and online. Buck the trend to conduct your life online RRC. Spend some time with your girlfriend live.

~BSG~

Hold On or Let Go?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: About a month ago I met a guy. I got to know him before I found about his pregnant girlfriend. He admits the girlfriend to me and we stay friends. We later meet and immediately hit it off. The amazing connection between us was beyond obvious. We later started talking everyday for weeks. We hung out as much as we could and I visited him at his work as often as possible.

We grew feelings for each other and after becoming extremely close I come to realize him and his girlfriend are only together because she’s pregnant and if she wasn’t he’d be with me. It’s obvious he cares about me a lot. But I feel like hints have changed. But I feel like it’s my fault which people are saying it is. Now things are sorts back to normal but not completely.

I guess I’m just asking, should I hold on and just go with the flow and see where we go or should I end it completely and let him go? I really need advice on what to do. He makes me so happy but at the same time the littlest things that he does puts me in a depressed mood. I don’t want to let him go. So if there’s a way I could end the feelings but keep the friendship it would be amazing. I know him and me won’t be together anytime soon since he has a baby on the way but the connection between us feels so right I feel we might just be meant for each other. ~Hold On or Let Go~

Dear HOLG: This is easy for the Bitter Single Guy: let go and step away.

This guy has a girlfriend he’s still with, is having a baby with her, he’s cheating on his girlfriend (if only emotionally so far) with you and…and this is what sold the BSG on this solution…often he says tiny things that make you depressed. Really, HOLG?

Here’s what would happen if Randy Romeo left his pregnant girlfriend to be with you:

1. She would still have the baby (that’s a done deal, pretty much) and he would be figuring out what it means to be a part-time dad with a woman who is likely a little bitter because she got knocked up then dumped.
2. He would feel like a heel (justifiably) for leaving his girlfriend and new baby. He would eventually resent you for this.
3. His relationship with you, even if it lasted, would get difficult with all this issued and with your occasional depression when he says things that get to you.
4. He will (or you will) find someone who “does it for you” in a bigger way and you’ll end badly.

Nope, don’t do it. Too much drama. Walk.

~BSG~