The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Boyfriend Training 101

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’ve been living with my boyfriend for a little over a year and I’m pretty certain we’ll get married in the next few years. I’m very happy about that. He loves me to death and I him. Sometimes though, I have difficulty taming him. What I mean by that is– we were friends for about 9 years before we got together, and he was for the most part single before me. It’s not that he flirts with other girls. On the contrary, he is devoted to me, makes me dinner, takes care of me etc. But when he tries to flirt with me, it’s cute and funny, but in the end, it’s not effective. (I think he had very little game while single.)

I end up having to teach him things I didn’t even know I knew. For example: last night, I wanted to *ahem* have some physical attention, and made it very clear. He said, “Oh okay, drink this whiskey and watch an episode of the Clone Wars with me. I’ll *warm you up* while we do, and it will make you even more saucy.” I told him I might fall asleep if I did, but he gave me a flirtatious look, so I drank it. I wake up grumpy a half hour later with his hands all over me (good-feeling, but confusing) and tell him, “I was at peak compliance. More compliant than peak equals fall asleep.” We both laughed, but I was grumpy, very sleepy and went to bed without my ‘fill’. I love him dearly, and he’s learning, but I fear my libido will eventually become that of an old woman in the process, and my advice more like nagging…

~Old Dogs and New Tricks~

Dear ODNT: The Bitter Single Guy is assuming that your Gentle Gem is trainable, so then your task is about getting him trained. Interestingly, the BSG thinks that foreplay is definitely a learned skill, but he also believes that both genders manage it pretty poorly unless they’ve had a good teacher. This is where you come in.

Now the first thing the BSG will tell you is that the average male ego is as fragile as a snowflake, so if you barrel in there and tell Gentle Gem that he’s got no game and needs some learnin’, he’ll likely go all manly and tell you that you don’t know what you’re talking about which even HE will realize is a stupid statement, so he’ll try to hide his ignorance in bluster and no one will get what they want.

That said, the BSG also doesn’t think that subtlety is going to work here (sounds like you’ve already been down that path). You’re definitely going to have to be clear, but rather than telling Gentle Gem that he doesn’t have any idea how to please a woman, tell him that you realize that your needs might be a little different and you want to talk to him about how to please YOU. This will take some convincing (see the BSG’s previous mention of bluster), but if you persevere, the payoff for both of you will be awesome.

The BSG definitely recommends focusing on that payoff by the way. In the same way that a puppy can best be trained for praising him when he does good as well as rapping him on the nose with a rolled up paper when he doesn’t, Gentle Gem will build his skills by receiving praise from you for those things that go well.

Bottom line ODNT, don’t assume anything and be prepared to be very detailed if necessary. In the end, the worst case scenario will be that he’s not salvageable for you, but you’ll train him well for his next date. The universe appreciates sacrifices like that and will ensure that it comes back to you.

~BSG~

Asynchronous Dinner Dating (ADD)

So, the BSG had to share with you, his faithful readers.

The BSG’s and his pal Rick have stumbled on The Next Big Thing in dating! ADD or Asynchronous Dinner Dating will be sweeping the nation…nay, the WORLD…and you’ll say that you heard about it first here.

OK, stay with the BSG while he explains this:

Back in olden days, if you were a dude and wanted a date you hoofed it down to the next farm down the road to court the farmer’s daughter. The BSG has no idea what one did in olden days if one was gay or lesbian or transgender or any of the other variations we know about these days, but he suspected those folks worked it out somehow. If one were the aforementioned farmer’s daughter, one likely waited around on the porch with a glass of iced tea (can the BSG point out here that it is NOT “ice tea”. Accuracy counts, y’all.) in hopes that the neighboring farmer’s son would be hoofing your way sometime soon.

Today however, there is everything from online personal ads, to smart phone apps that allow us to identify potential mates (or whatever) by their proximity! In fact, many of the BSG’s readers report carrying on entire relationships without ever meeting in person!

So for those of you in the dating world who are ready to move past emails, texting and photo sharing, but aren’t quite ready for a live face-to-face meeting, the BSG introduces ADD! For those of you caught up on the word “asynchronous”, let the BSG break it down for you:

1. Synchronize – As in “let’s synchronize our watches” from various spy movies where seconds count…this is the process of aligning watch times until they perfectly matched.
2. Let’s get in ‘synch’ – Same root…this is about getting aligned with expectations or thinking or whatever.
3. So then, synchronous indicates two (or more) things that occur at the same time!
4. OK, got that? So now add the “a” at the beginning, which indicates the negative of something: amoral = not moral; asexual = not sexual.

Everyone still tracking with the BSG? So then, asynchronous is something that happens NOT at the same time! Yay!

That brings us to ADD: Asynchronous Dinner Dating!

It would go like this: You and the BSG have been flirting and giggling online for a week or so and are ready for the next step, but not quite for face-to-face or phone-to-phone, so we schedule an Asynchronous Dinner Date! The BSG would hoof it down to a local eatery and would request a table for two. He would sit – alone – order a tasty meal…maybe even an appetizer if it wouldn’t make him feel all bloated and stuff… and because it was a festive occasion, the BSG would likely order a glass of wine or a beer! It’s a date after all!

Once he finished his meal, the BSG would leave the eatery and hoof it back home to his computer. Shortly after the BSG left, YOU would show up! You would sit – alone – at the seat opposite where the BSG was JUST SITTING! The chair would probably still be warm! How titillating is THAT?!

You would also have a tasty meal, would dab the corner of your mouth with the white linen napkin and would hustle home to you own computer (or phone, or whatever). There, you and the BSG would share details of your delightful asynchronous date!

As he thinks this through, the BSG actually thinks there is possibility for ASD (Asynchronous Sex Dating), but thinking about it is creeping the BSG out a little.

Some of you chuckled at how ridiculous this is, but the BSG warns you…this is a logical progression and you’ll say you heard it first HERE!

~BSG~

Advice for a New Relationship

Sometimes, the BSG thinks we all need a reminder. If you’re in a new relationship (or hoping to be soon), the BSG wants you to remember the following:

Your new relationship is a tiny baby bird and sometimes even the most loved baby birds…well…don’t make it, despite the best intentions of virtuous people.

But while this baby bird figures out whether it’s going to get out of the nest, there is a balance between holding it lovingly and protectively, and picking it up and scrutinizing every little feather. Baby birds don’t survive scrutiny very well. But they ARE fluffly and cuddly and you should occasionally hold it up to your cheek just to feel it flutter.
~BSG~

Besotted

Dear Bitter Single Guy: First of all, I can relate to the bitter part of your name…for I once was bitter.

I am 52 and have been divorced for over 6 years after a rocky 16 year marriage. I decided to never date or get involved again. Then my lonely heart discovered someone I had known since the 9th grade and never once given the time of day…forgive me, SBG, I have changed. As it turns out, he is the happy in my day. We’ve been seeing one another for a month, practically every day.

The “love factor” is there and my query is, seeing I have not been in the dating scene for soooo long, could you give me the top 5 pieces (or more) of your priceless advice so I don’t screw this up? I have resolved that he is the “one” that I have waited a lifetime for. ~Besotted This Time~

Dear BTT: Yay! The Bitter Single Guy rarely gets to offer advice before things start falling apart! The BSG applauds your proactive stance, BTT.

So the BSG had to think a little about his top 5 advice points, but here they are:

1. Don’t jump too quickly – The BSG wants you to be careful here, BTT. You’ve decided that your first relationship after a rocky 16-year marriage is the “one” but it’s not uncommon for one person to believe they’ve found their forever mate and the other person to just be spending time with someone nice. Even though you’re 6 years out of your marriage, the BSG wants you to think about this as your rebound relationship and remember…many folks have the experience of being appreciated in their relationship, so if you’re not his “one” keep an open mind.
2. Jump – The BSG will knowingly contradict the above point. At some point, if you’re going to move a relationship forward, you’ve got to take the leap, whatever that means for you. Yes, taking leaps increases the likelihood of falling, but there’s no other way.
3. Don’t over-analyze – The BSG is surprised how often his readers will write to him asking about the subtle nuance and deep-seated intention in a one-line email or text message. It’s natural to wonder about larger intentions and motivations, but be careful in your communication to avoid drawing conclusions where there are none.
4. Ask for what you want – This is as simple as it sounds, but is the most common thing folks email the BSG about. Don’t assume that your partner can read your mind and don’t try to read his. Ask. Tell.
5. Wallow in it – The BSG doesn’t actually think that relationships are supposed to last. Yes, some of them do, but the BSG believes that those are the exceptions. Most of us move in and out of romantic relationships as our lives evolve. Whether this is the one you have until you die or not, the BSG recommends enjoying every minute of it while it lasts…whether it lasts a week or a decade.

Good luck, BTT! ~BSG~

Not as Hot as She Used to Be

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I am in a very serious relationship and am getting married, in fact.  As of lately, my GF had a very minor surgery that has left her slightly immobile.  So both of our lifestyles have changed to some extent in order to adapt to the situation. Unfortunately, eating habits have not.

Things are turning around for the better in-terms of her mobility, but I sense that she has grown accustomed to “not doing much.” Additionally, she may be a little bit softer as she did when we first met. I see photos from back when, and think, “wow, I wish she was like THAT.” How would you go about hinting at her to snap out of it (without the repercussions of either getting slapped or getting no-sex in the foreseeable future)? ~Longing for the Old Days

Dear LFOD: Yeah, good luck with this Dude. The Bitter Single Guy understands that you’re looking for a safe way to ask your fiancé to please become as hot as she was when you met her? The BSG can think of about a zillion ways for this to go wrong.

But he feels you, brother. The truth is that attraction is a moving target and your responsibility is to manage every part of your relationship, including the hard parts (pun slightly intended…the BSG is feeling somewhat saucy).

Focus your conversation on depression. Say something like: “Before your surgery you were really active and you seemed to love that lifestyle…I know I did. Maybe we can go for walks together, or play racquetball together, or…” You get the BSG’s drift here. He’s not sure what The Active are most engaging in these days; is power-walking out?

In short LFOD, focus on the activity that used to result in your fiancé being in shape (and attractive to you) and NOT on how she looks. Good luck.

~BSG~