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The Bitter Single Guy SPEAKS!

May 18th, 2010 | 8 Comments | Posted in Uncategorized

OK, faithful readers (and the ones who just got here like, today). The BSG is ready to join the 21st century with his fancy schmancy new Podcast!

Your job is to listen. Tell the BSG what you think. More of something? Less of something? This is your chance to get off the sidelines and participate!

The future of BSG podcasting is in your hands.


BSG and Occam’s Razor

October 9th, 2009 | No Comments | Posted in Uncategorized

Dear Readers: The Bitter Single Guy occasionally trots out an alter ego to help shed light on a particularly bumpy issue. Boundary Boy (!) has often come to the rescue of readers unable to set their own boundaries. Today, the BSG is delighted to re-invoke the spirit of his more cerebral alter ego: Bitter Science Guy. The Bitter Science Guy (BSG) helps us understand the wacky dynamics of relationships through scientific principles (which undoubtedly irritates real scientists).

Today’s lesson: Occam’s Razor. The Bitter Science Guy first heard of this sublimely simple rule on The Simpsons; a constant source of enlightenment for the BSG (particularly Lisa Simpson).

Occam’s Razor states that the simplest explanation is likely the true one. You are wondering how this matters for your current relationship, and the BSG is glad you asked.

Recently, a dear friend of the BSG realized that his relationship had gone somewhat lukewarm. The BSG’s friend, who we’ll call Robbie, realized that he had not shared more than a warm handshake with his Delicate Flower for several weeks, so asked her about this anomaly.

Delicate Flower assured him that all was well. “Pshaw!” she blustered. “I care for you just as much as ever, Robbie! In fact, I’m just so thrilled that we communicate as well as we do and I’m sure glad that we’ll always have our friendship no matter what happens. The good thing is that everything is just perfect now!”

Despite this handy reassurance, Robbie found himself feeling more and more low and more and more rejected as his formerly amorous Delicate Flower pulled more of her petals out of his grasp. He knew however, that everything was just fine because well…she had TOLD him that it was all just fine!

Obliviously, Robbie shared all this, whereupon the BSG invoked Occam’s Razor, or what in more recent times has been called “If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck”.

So the BSG asked Robbie more about the nature of their relationship. Turns out they go to the movies sometimes, but don’t hold hands. They have coffee together and laugh and laugh about friends in common and stories from work. Sometimes they even share a peck on the cheek and at these times, Robbie’s Delicate Flower often tells him how much she appreciates his friendship and devotion.

At this point, it became the BSG’s responsibility to tell Robbie what all you gentle readers have figured out, but what still eluded him. “Walks like a friendship, quacks like a friendship? Robbie, the romance has skee-daddled out of your relationship and you are what your Delicate Flower wanted you to become: friends. There was no pesky break-up, no need to separate belongings, or to be unhappy at all! Isn’t that GREAT!”

It’s been a month since the BSG has seen Robbie and he knows that Occam’s Razor may have cut Robbie a little closely. Once the cold light of reality shone on Robbie’s relationship, that duck quacked and Robbie couldn’t believe his silliness.

Here’s the word, Dear Readers. You’ve heard the BSG say that if it’s too good to be true it probably IS too good to be true. Hear it again. If it seems like you’re only friends, you are. Sorry Robbie.

Letting Go of the Past

October 7th, 2009 | 3 Comments | Posted in Uncategorized

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’ve been seeing this guy for almost a year. He cheated on his ex with me once time, and then we got together a year later.  Now she (the ex) just won’t go away!  When he and I first started talking again, I got prank calls.  Now she calls him crying when she stops seeing a guy, and when I gripe, my boyfriend says that his ex is fragile and he feels obligated to help. What am I suppose to do? ~Ex-hausted From His Ex~

Dear EFHE: The Bitter Single Guy feels he needs to make a quick statement about your charming chap cheating with you on his distraught girlfriend. You know as well as the B.S.G. that if they’ll do it WITH you they’ll do it TO you. Watch your back with this one EFHE.

Now that some time has passed, however, the BSG understands your frustration with your charming chap’s inability to cut the cord. What you understand (that he does not) is that it is past time to cut the cord. If this girl is fragile, she should get therapy. As long as your boyfriend remains her self-appointed caretaker, she’ll remain firmly in that role if for no other reason than to screw up your relationship (one can hardly blame her…she probably thinks you screwed up hers).

The BSG wonders if your charming chap has an exit strategy for this damsel in distress? Does he imagine that one day she will just tire of calling him, or that she will become strong and self sufficient and shove her ship away from his dock some day? Nope, the BSG pictures you and Charming Chap at a large Thanksgiving dinner with your children and grandchildren when he has to put down the carving knife in order to take a call from the Damsel in Distress who will have interrupted her own family event in order to interrupt yours. Cut the cord EFHE; it’s time. ~BSG~

The Mother of all Ass Clowns

September 29th, 2009 | No Comments | Posted in Uncategorized

Dear Readers: The BSG would never resort to calling his readers names…that’s just not helpful. But the title Ass Clown in today’s post came from this distraught reader herself and well…the BSG just LOVES the phrase “ass clown”, so it’s here in homage to SIP, not in criticism of her.

Dear Bitter Single Guy: So, I might as well start from the beginning. Back in May, my friend was dating a girl (he’s 21, she’s 16) and it was going pretty rocky. With no motives I gave him advice, even when if he felt like giving up I reassured him as long as he cared for her they would make it through. However, while he was with her, he began to develop feelings for me and I for him which culminated into a pretty passionate affair. He broke up with her and we began seeing each other. Fast forward to a month later, he broke up with me (via a friend). I was so hurt that I emailed him and told him exactly how I felt and banished him from my life..

..Until I realized I was in love with him, but I heard he had moved on so I tried too and left him in the dust. Fast forward again two months later, we were both at the same party and I heard from friends that he was talking about me, how he had wished we never broke up and what not. Well, we talked, feelings were said, and I told I loved him. I thought everything was going well until I heard that he was still dating the other girl. He claims to me that he’s in love with two people and it was a difficult choice and that it was my fault that he had even gone back to her in the first place. He then berated me saying that I was using him for sex and that my feelings weren’t real because I had simply not spent enough time with him. Suffice it to say, he had made his choice, so what was the point of me sticking around, right? He had made it into a sick competition when it was never even like that. As I was leaving, he kept on dragging the entire thing out, asking to talk and walked me to my car, all the while cracking jokes and saying he still wanted to keep in contact with me…

I guess my questions are: Am I right to let this guy go? What is his deal? Is there any hope for he and I, because for as much as I may love him, it seems pretty grim… ~Sleepless In Philadelphia~

Dear SIP: You’re done; step away. The Bitter Single Guy has himself gotten so caught up in the madness of relationship drama that he hasn’t known how to sort through the mixed up lines. From that place of painful wisdom he says to you again: you’re done. Here are your tasks:

  1. Apologize to your 16 year old friend for getting involved with her boyfriend. Yes, you were swept away on the glorious wings of love. Whatever. It was tacky; apologize.
  2. Tell Love Triangle Boy that you’re not going to keep in contact with him, despite what he wants. In case it’s not obvious, saying that he wants to stay in contact with you is his way to ease his guilt about his own role here. If he feels crappy, he can write to the BSG. You don’t have to squash your own justifiably hurt feelings to stay friends with him.
  3. Don’t hate the other girl. From her perspective, you were the other girl. Don’t call her, don’t email her, just don’t hate her and don’t bad-talk about her. People will talk for months about how well you handled the situation.
  4. Take care of yourself. You’ve got a bruised heart and those take time to heal. Watch movies, hang out with friends, write in a journal. Don’t date anyone for awhile.

By the way…it was unspeakably tacky for Love Triangle Boy to break up with you through a friend (does that even count?), but it was also somewhat shifty of you to express your feelings through an email. Step up to the live conversation, the BSG says. That’s all SIP. Good luck. ~BSG~

Love My New Threads

September 28th, 2009 | 2 Comments | Posted in Uncategorized

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I just wanted you to know that I love my BSG sweatshirt. Its uber-comfy. I have also gotten a couple of inquiries on it when I wear it. Although,I did notice when I went to Ikea the other night, that I might be mistaken for an Ikea bathroom attendant with it on. ~Loving my BSG Wear~

Dear LMBSGW: The Bitter Single Guy is so with you on this one! The BSG himself has a BSG hoodie and although he hasn’t been mistaken for an IKEA bathroom attendant (yet), it remains a great hoodie.  (the BSG swears he didn’t pay this reader to talk nice about her new hoodie)


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