The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

The BSG Isn’t Gone

Faithful Readers, the BSG apologizes for his long absence here…it’s been a summer of travel and general busy-ness for the BSG and his column has languished here.  Today the BSG begins his work again for you, his Faithful Readers. Happy summer (what’s left of it).

BSG

A Word About Advertising

Some of you faithful BSG readers will notice that there is banner advertising showing up on the BSG’s site for the first time in, like, 10 years. As you know, the BSG has a day job that prevents him from spending as much time responding to his readers’ letters as he would like. Thus: advertising.

The BSG is VERY particular about what advertising he’ll be bringing to the site, promises not to include tacky flashing ads, and promises only to invite advertisers who he thinks you actually want to see.

~BSG~

Friends With Benefits Not So Beneficial.

Dear Bitter Single Guy: At a party, I hooked up with a guy. We knew each other through our social circle and found each other attractive. We started hooking up every time we got hammered together at parties.

We had a talk, and established that we are just friends with benefits and have no romantic goals with each other. We hung out and did friend things and talked about girls/boys. Recently, we hung out by ourselves, we got drunk, cuddled and talked and he opened up a little bit about his own issues which surprised me, he’s not the type to do that. He initiated the cuddling/make out that ensued afterwards. I should have said no, but I mean, I was drunk, whatever.

We fell asleep cuddling, and when we woke up we hugged goodbye and went our separate ways. That night, we were hanging out with a group. He went out of his way to avoid me. In fact, he spent the entire time gushing about another girl he has a huge crush on. When I finally got him alone and casually brought up the night before he dismissed it saying “Oh, I blacked out, haha, I don’t remember anything”. He was perfectly coherent. I know he didn’t black out.

I get that he probably felt a bit overwhelmed. We were gushing about all sorts of issues and he’s usually pretty emotionally stoic. I’m hurt because, though we established ourselves as friends with benefits, we DID talk about that stuff, and we’re friends first. I think he’s used to hooking up with girls and ignoring them, except I’m in his social circle so he faces a conundrum. He feels pressured to show that nothing has changed emotionally between us. He chooses to just pretend nothing happened. It stings.  He’s very touchy-feely with the rest of our group, even the guys, but he shrinks away from me. We’re housemates next year.

I don’t know what to do about him. I want him to accept me as a friend and not see me as just some dismissible chick. What should I do? Talk to him? Let things run and next time we’re in a situation like that, establish the no-more-benefits-because-you-treat-me-like-crap-afterwards boundary?  I don’t have romantic feelings for him. It just hurts because our group is very open about that sort of thing, and we’ve all hooked up at some point or another, yet I’m the only one he gets weird about it with afterwards? What’s your take? ~Tired of Being Dissed~

Dear TBD: The Bitter Single Guy first wants to point out that friends with benefits rarely seems to work out for many people. Intellectually we all love the idea of sex without strings, but in practice the strings may be hidden, but are usually there.

The BSG thinks you should go with your ‘no-more-benefits-because-you-treat-me-like-crap-afterwards boundary’. Particularly since this group of friends is apparently open and particularly since you’re planning to be housemates next year.

The BSG’s guess is that Drunken Cuddler has some feelings coming up for you despite his best efforts and rather than dealing with them openly, he’s choosing to act all frat-boy-ish and pretend it’s not happening. That means setting the boundary is up to you and the BSG thinks you’ve got this well in hand. Go get ‘im. ~BSG~

Hope Springs For About a Month

Hiya Bitter Single Guy: I am in desperate need of someone to translate “girl” for me!  I work with a REALLY cute girl (we’re in different departments, so no conflicts there). I finally asked her out.  In fact, I’ve asked her out like 4 or 5 times now.  She was originally really responsive to us doing something together.  But, whenever I try, her response is always “Yes, I’d love to (insert proposed activity here) with you, but I’m busy doing (insert other thing here).”  If it was just “No, I’m washing my hair that day” I think I’d get the message.  Instead, she’s still really friendly, and always starts with “YES”.  Does YES really mean NO?  Am I being dense?  Am I chasing after someone who has no intention of being caught?  What gives!? ~Confused by Girls~

Dear CBG: The Bitter Single Guy wants to give your Elusive Empanada the benefit of a doubt and believe that she is just really really busy and not blowing you off because the he thinks that would be tacky. Here’s your plan: The next time you have a plan to do something with Elusive Empanada, ask her out as you already have. If she has yet another creative reason why she can’t go out with you, ask her when she IS available. There are movies playing every evening in most cities, so the BSG is pretty sure you can find something to do.

If she comes back with something vague like “I have to get back to you.” then assume that Elusive Empanada doesn’t have the wherewithal to simply tell you no.  This will be your cue to stop asking and move on. ~BSG~

Podcast: Long Distance Love, Jesse James, and more

The Bitter Single Guy’s Podcast #2!