The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Dapper Daddy Puts His Kid First

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I really love all the advice you give and it seems to be on point!  I was hoping you could give me some advice about a guy friend of mine who I really like (and he said he likes me too). The problem is he has a little boy and every relationship he has had has turned out to be a disaster because his little boy is his first priority. He said he can’t date me because he doesn’t want to disappoint me, and we can be friends only. I feel like we have a lot in common, have fun together and chemistry, (although nothing beyond kissing). Is there any hope for us? Should I just completely avoid seeing him to get over it, or should I pursue more and spend more time with him and his son?  Thanks in advance! ~Ready To Jump~

Dear RTJ: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you should step away from this one. While the BSG absolutely believes that the burden of single-parenthood can be overwhelming, there are tons of single parents who also manage to have romantic relationships. To be clear; this Dapper Daddy doesn’t have a string of failed relationships because his son is his first priority. He has a string of failed relationships because he doesn’t yet know how to balance a romantic relationship with his childrearing responsibilities. In his defense, perhaps he won’t be ready to date until the boy is much older, but how many years of crap are you willing to put up with while you wait?

If you walked into a hardware store to buy a hammer and the sales guy told you that this hammer broke in half for every other person who bought it, would you be willing to see if maybe YOU’RE the right hammer customer, or would you keep shopping? Nope, the BSG says step away. ~BSG~

The new look

Whaddya think everyone? Eh, eh? The BSG’s new look? Very swanky, he thinks.

Lumberjack Love Advice

Hello there, Bitter Single Guy. I have been reading your rather excellent advice for quite a while now, and am hoping you can toss a bone my way this time.

There is a guy I have known almost my whole life- he used to be friends with my older sister when we were all kids, and we have run into each other randomly over the years. There was nothing special between us because I was always the “little kid” and he was one of the “big kids” (he is three years older than me). But we ran into each other at an event for a mutual friend, and all of the sudden, something changed. I almost instantaneously realized we were both grownups now, and he was being rather attentive towards me (and is truly a nice guy, has it together, and is smokin’ hot), and I started to like him. This was about a year and a half ago.

Yes, BSG, you heard that correctly, a year and a half. For a freaking year and a half I have liked this guy even though our paths have not crossed since then (he lives in the next town over). I can’t stop thinking about him. I have Internet stalked him and even Facebook friended him (I know, I know… no, really, I do. I am under no illusions about how pathetic I am being). I even sent him a message of the friendly “hey how’s it going” variety, and received no reply (sniff, sniff).

So, you are certainly wondering, why don’t you just move on? Clearly, this is a one-sided attraction; go out and live your life, free yourself, and find someone who likes you as much as you like them! Believe me, BSG, I have “sworn off” this guy many times, tried my damndest to move on and forget about him, gone on (rather disastrous) dates with other guys, distracted myself with other things going on in my life (such as graduating from college, moving, getting a job, going on trips, planning events, hanging with friends, etc.), all to no avail. The hope that someday we’ll run into each other (somewhat likely, because we live in fairly close proximity) and he’ll miraculously realize he likes me refuses to die.

So, my question is, how do I kill that hope? I truly am sick of being so pathetically in love with someone who I am not even spending time with and want to move on with my life. Should I try to contact him again and see what happens (he is still single as far as I know…and here’s that pesky hope again…)? Or just let it be? Any insight or advice you can give me will be greatly appreciated, because as we can all see, I am getting nowhere by myself… ~Pathetic Petunia~

Dear PP: The Bitter Single Guy, as he read your letter, was put in mind of the logging days of yesteryear (before we went all tree-huggy). Trees would be felled by the scores (sounds like a fairy tale, yes?) and would be rolled down hills to some water (the BSG isn’t sure how trees felled in non-hilly places made it to the water). At this point, the logs would float in a big bunch downstream to be chopped into little pieces.

The BSG’s specific image, while he read your letter PP, was of logs getting caught together and the entire flotilla getting backed up.  This is a much more attractive picture than, say, clogged arteries, or traffic jams.

The gist here PP is that the BSG thinks something is clogged. Something is keeping you idealizing this guy you don’t even know. The BSG doesn’t know what it is, but he’s pretty sure things like jobs, trips and degrees aren’t going to get you there, because you’ve got a romantic logjam that’s making you long for someone who is unattainable. The key here, PP is that you haven’t even fallen for him…you’ve fallen for what he’s come to represent in your fantasy of the two of you.

So in summary PP, you’re in love with a fantasy, not a man. The BSG recommends spending some time (perhaps with an insightful friend or a counselor) trying to figure out what logjam is in the way of you flushing Fantasy Guy from your system. In the BSG’s vague high-school memory of lumberjack history, there is usually a key-log that, once out of the way, allows everything to flow freely. Keep poking around, you’ll find the key-log eventually. ~BSG~

Tower of Lies

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I met my current partner about two yours ago, and we became a serious couple six months later. Our relationship isn’t without its problems, and we had a fight that almost destroyed it a month ago. But we were working through it.

Last week, I discovered that his sister who I have been speaking with through email and text messages (to try and work through the problems I’m having with him), is really him. This is horrible, because I’ve been talking to her through our entire relationship; she has basically been our buffer. I don’t know why he lied, but it feels like he’s been cheating on me the whole time, even if I know he hasn’t been sexually.

I don’t want to leave him over this, but I’m afraid if I try to confront him it will only make things worse (especially since it was my ex who found out and told me, and my partner can’t stand him). What should I do? ~Smoke and Mirrors~

Dear SAM: The Bitter Single Guy understands the logic behind your beau’s decision to deceive you in order to better understand your point of view, but this is where what’s logical and what’s right diverge. The BSG thinks this is twisted beyond recovery and he thinks that regardless of who found out, you need to confront your Deceitful Darling with this rather spectacular lie.

If this was a one-time thing, the BSG thinks it’s probably recover-able, but if this went on for any more than about a week, then the BSG says dump his sorry ass. Your partner is supposed to be the one you can trust to have your back, not play you like this.

By the way, expecting that your partner’s sibling is able to be sufficiently objective to provide support and advice in you dating her brother is a little dangerous, the BSG thinks. Find a new friend to confide in.

~BSG~

Fake It ‘Til You Make It

BSG, I’ll try my best to make a long story short.

I have been married to my husband for 10 years now. We’ve had ups and downs like any relationship. I have thought before that things wouldn’t work out, but we have stuck it out. I find myself frequently questioning my feelings for him and have been very depressed. I began seeing a therapist in January and after a few months my husband joined me because he was worried he didn’t have a marriage anymore.

We’re still going, once a week and I feel that very little has changed. I feel like I am faking it till we make it. And I have been feeling like he is just waiting for me to make up my mind about what I want. I’m the bad guy and he’s the victim. Well then I find out he has a membership to cupid.com and has IM’ed with girls on there. I asked him about it and said it was innocent talk.

Well I know the girl he’s been talking to, but he doesn’t know that part. He told her he was going through a divorce and not to run away. She said she was online last week and he IM’ed her. This latest contact was after I asked him about it. I have to wonder if he is truly happy; what is he on there for? What is missing for him? I’m his 2nd wife and wonder if he is afraid of another failed marriage.

My head says staying together is the right thing to do. We have a daughter; we have great stability, and a promising future of success. The pretty little picture.

I am tired of feeling like I am faking it. He is being deployed to Iraq for 6 months and I am so looking forward to the separation. I won’t send him off thinking things are shaky though. Once he returns we are to relocate to the North near my family. The only reason he requested this assignment is for me and I feel obligated to stay because of it. Okay, this is way too long. What are your thoughts? ~Head or Heart~

Dear HOH: The Bitter Single Guy wants you to stop treating this as a “fake it until you make it” exercise, because he wants to remind you that (as far as he knows) “making it” in marriage is dying, right? “‘Til death do we part”, HOH?

You’re in therapy which is a good first step, but the BSG wonders what’s happening in therapy to be there for nearly a year without you feeling like anything’s changing. Perhaps it’s time for a new therapist? But the BSG definitely encourages you to bring your letter to your therapist to see what s/he has to say.  Short answer: you need to decide whether you want to stay in this relationship.

The BSG is a little miffed with your hubbie for contacting other girls online. But the BSG kind of understands where he’s coming from. If you’re as emotionally uninterested as you say you are, he’s probably feeling pretty lonely too. Really HOH, why are you staying in this relationship again?

Have this conversation with your therapist and find reasons to stay in your relationship. Otherwise, you have a lifetime of, at best, emotional numbness to look forward to . Yay? ~BSG~