Dear Bitter Single Guy: I was involved in a relationship with a guy that was very passive aggressive in how he dealt with me. I just got tired of his hot and cold routine. But most of all, I did not like how he always created situations that put me in the position of being a bitch. So after he dealt another distancing move, I took the bait and ended it.
He tried to win me back, even just as a friend, it seemed important to him so after much Facebook contact I caved, started to want him back as a friend. He then started being very sarcastic with me and then denied it. After directly confronting him on this and getting nowhere I backed off. So again he starts trying to be friendly on Facebook. This time I did not respond.
He then started constantly commenting on my closest friend’s page. It was excessive and he was very complimentary (kissing her ass). ( I know this sounds so grade school but I assure you we are adults) Here’s the thing: he knows I’m not really into social networking sites like Facebook. He knows because he asked and I told him the only reason I was there was because my closest friend asked me to, to keep up with her photos & interests. So he knows that when I do sign on I go straight to her page to get caught up. I took offense to him writing all up and down her page. It was like he was a little boy jumping up and down, saying “look at me, here I am, are you jealous?” It was his way of not being gone.
My friend would never betray me by really engaging him and rarely wrote back to him, so that’s not my problem. My problem is I decided that he was just too far gone in his emotional problems to try and reason with again. I felt bad but I deleted him off Facebook and because of the rate he was chatting up my friend, I asked her to delete him as well. I feel guilt over not at least discussing it with him but I was so certain he would deny it, call me crazy to his friends, that it was a lost cause. But if I could I would tell him to get counseling from a therapist that specializes in extreme passive aggressive behavior. I can’t stand the idea of him spinning the rest of his life in this cycle. It’s scary to me how destructive he has been to all the women in his life and it’s scary to think he’ll keep repeating this. I feel like I should have sucked it up and told him this, even if he’d use it against me. Hey, if I gave you his email could you tell him? J ~Cares Too Much~
Dear CTM: Sadly, the Bitter Single Guy isn’t willing to be your agent in this difficult communication, although perhaps that’s a business opportunity for the BSG! Readers could come to the BSG when they just don’t have the wherewithal to have a difficult conversation and the BSG could have that conversation for them! He’ll have to think about this…seems like a depressing job overall, but the BSG can make anything fun, he thinks.
CTM the BSG always takes the position that the people who write to him are correct in their assumptions even though he knows that this means taking sides without all the information. Whatever…when he gets both sides of the story he’ll try to be more balanced. The BSG says all this so he can tell you that despite your logical and appropriate behavior of breaking off this unhealthy relationship, you seem to have some lingering bitterness for this Passive-Aggressive Puppy. The BSG doesn’t think this is misplaced bitterness, but he wants you to recognize it.
All that said, the BSG thinks you’re doing exactly what Passive-Aggressive Puppy wants: giving him attention, whether it’s positive or negative. Deleting him from your Facebook account was appropriate. Asking your friend to do the same is asking her to choose sides, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it allows Passive-Aggressive Puppy to continue to needle you through her. Questions from the Puppy like “Why would you delete me? Do you hate me, too?” will cause your friend to have to defend her position and essentially keep the drama running.
The BSG recommends simply refusing to engage. Let him jump up and down and shout for attention. Any parent or child caregiver will tell you (or should tell you) that giving in to negative attention-seeking only leads to more negative attention-seeking. These parents will also tell you that it’s appropriate to reward positive attention-seeking, so if Passive-Aggressive Puppy ever comes to you with a sincere communication (asking how you are in a direct email or phone call, apologizing for something), it may be appropriate to respond to him to demonstrate that you are willing to communicate appropriately.
Or just write him off and refuse to engage. That works, too. ~BSG~
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