The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

New Year’s Eve Anonymous Confession

This is an older BSG letter, but he offers it here just before New Year’s as a cautionary tale to warn against drunk dialing on New Year’s Eve. You’ve been warned.

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I spent New Year’s Eve with my family in a time zone 2 hours ahead of where I live. So when my phone rang at 1:45am, while I was sleeping in the same room as mother, I answered it in a great deal of confusion. A male voice asked whether he was talking to me, and I said “yes?” The voice on the other end of the phone then proceeded to say: “I have always loved you.” I was stunned, groggy, didn’t know what else to say, didn’t want to wake my mother, and had no idea to whom I was speaking — other than that it wasn’t my current flame, who has a decided accent. So I wrote it off as either a practical joke or a little bit of kindness floating around in the world.

Fast forward to late March, and I received a voicemail from an old family friend — someone I’ve always viewed as a rather messed-up older brother — saying that he thinks he owes me an apology “from about three and a half months ago” and “if you don’t call back, I guess I’ll understand.”

So here’s the quandry: what do I do? I have NO romantic interest in Old Family Friend, and what I want is to completely ignore the situation and hope that when I see Old Family Friend sometime this spring (which is likely), we can be cordial with each other. However, I know that he’s at a low point in his life right now (I suspect mid-life crisis, depression, substance abuse, the works). I don’t want to be unfair to someone who might need my support. ~Might Have a Stalker~

Dear MHS: The Bitter Single Guy thinks it’s hella noble of you to spend as much time considering Old Family Friend’s feelings and life situation while you ponder how to respond. But the BSG doesn’t think that’s the right approach here. Whether mid-life crisis or depression or something worse, Old Family Friend lives by the same social rules that you and the BSG live with. Calling someone (the BSG hopes it was Drunk Dialing, because if he called you out of the blue while totally sober, well that’s just creepy) on New Year’s Eve to pronounce your love with no warning is just tacky. The BSG assumes, given the mid-life crisis possibility, that Old Family Friend isn’t 15, which would make this behavior just as tacky, but understandable.

MHS, don’t ignore this. If you actually care a whit for Old Family Friend you’ll expect him to deal with you appropriately which includes honest communication. He has a right to express his attraction to you in a socially acceptable fashion, by inviting you to coffee or some such innocent activity. You, of course, also have the right to demur in equally socially acceptable ways. Since he’s chosen to go the 15 year old route, the BSG hopes you still decide to be the adult.

The BSG doesn’t usually recommend email, but in this case he would allow it because the impersonal nature of an email would emphasize your point. “Dear Old Family Friend: I got your voicemail and appreciate you clearing up the mystery of who woke me from a sound sleep on New Year’s Eve. I accept your apology and appreciate you letting me know that it was you. While I appreciate our family friendship, that’s the extent of my interest in our relationship. I understand how these misunderstanding can happen however, and am sure we’ll laugh about it when we see each other this spring.”

The BSG thinks this approach can both preserve the cordiality of your relationship while making it clear that his confession wasn’t welcome. The likely result is that Old Family Friend will be hugely embarrassed, which will be appropriate. It’s likely that he’s entertaining a tiny little fantasy that you’ll be similarly smitten, otherwise he wouldn’t have left you the voicemail. Your job now is to crush that tiny little fantasy. The BSG has toal faith in you here, MHS.

~BSG~

New Year’s Eve is Hell

Another oldie, but the BSG trots it out because he knows you need it.

Dear Readers: The Bitter Single Guy is compelled by his sense of righteousness to prevent needless emotional pain and suffering.  Sadly however…he knows you, and knows that you’re not likely to listen.  He knows that you’ll read this warning and think “heck, the BSG doesn’t mean ME!” and will go on about the business of introducing drama into your life.  Consider yourselves warned.

Read this warning today, and then check back on the 2^nd of January because that’s when you’ll realize that the BSG knows you and was looking out for your welfare even though you may have been too thickheaded to listen when it was important.  The BSG means this lovingly and with your happiness in mind.

You are an idiot.  Yes, the Bitter Single Guy said it because it’s true and because until he got all enlightened and stuff the BSG was an idiot too.

If you are single, you have it in your head that New Year’s Eve will be when you meet The Right One, the person you’re supposed to spend the Rest of Your Life with.  You’ll imagine a “When Harry Met Sally” moment where all your dreams come true and you just know that you’ll tell the story for years to come about how your lives together really started just as it turned midnight on New Year’s Eve (sigh).   The BSG is all giddy right along with you.

If you’re partnered, then you are prepared to forgive and forget toothpaste-cap sins, thoughtless comments about your fashion sense, and annoying back hair because you know that New Year’s Eve will bring you and your beloved to new levels of joy. You are already imagining the tender yet passionate kiss you’ll share on the dance floor as the clock strikes twelve.

Next is the part the BSG loves the most.  Each of you; the single and the non-single, will create this completely unreasonable storybook experience how?  By adding alcohol, that’s how!  You’ll drink champagne, you’ll drink shots, you’ll drink beer between the shots because you will think it brings balance, then you’ll be back to the shots again!  Then you’ll round out the evening with a champagne toast just to keep the booze mix festive.  Along with all this great imbibing, you’ll also be having nachos, taquitos, pigs-in-blankets and whatever other mega-processed nibbly food you can scarf down.

This delightful combination will ensure that you are ill-mannered, inarticulate and frankly somewhat of an asshole (the BSG is sorry to be harsh, but have you seen yourself when you’re like that?). This will ensure that any hope of a fairy tell ending to the evening will be dashed on the rocks of drunkenness.

Shocked as you are right now, the BSG can almost hear you asking…pleading, really…with him to know how you can avert the disaster of waking up on January 1 knowing that your romantic life is completely hopeless and you’ll die lonely and miserable. Well, the BSG is glad you asked.  Folks just like you (and the BSG) heap mounds of unrealistic expectaitons onto New Year’s Eve, so the BSG strongly recommends…are you ready, because this is it: have NO expectations for love or nookie.

You know this from previous New Year’s Eves and yet you’ve been unwilling to realize it.  The BSG is here to help you, but he knows some of you will still ignore him.  That’s OK, though…the Bitter Single Guy will be here to help you pick up the pieces.

Survive The Holiday Season

Get your copy of The Bitter Single Guy’s Holiday Survival Guide! Advice for Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s for The Single and The Coupled.

Because the BSG knows you like choices, and because sometimes you need immediate gratification, the Survival Guide is available as both an eBook (which can be in your hands within mere minutes) and a regular book (which can be in your hands in a few days).

Go here to order your copy.

Here is a tidbit:

“Whether you are religious or not, a fruitcake lover or not, bitter or not; the holidays cannot be ignored unless perhaps you are a deep-woods cave-dweller…”

~BSG~

Looking at porn is normal

Hey, BSG: To put it simply the girl I’ve been seeing for the past year is an angel. She’s so nice, friendly, beautiful and sweet… I can easily see myself spending the rest of my life with her. My problem is that I have a tendency to mess it all up… a few months ago she caught me looking at porn.

She sees it as cheating (I don’t blame her to be honest. If roles were reversed I’d have a hard time letting it slide too). Needless to say trust was broken and now we have fights that get really heated to the point of yelling, cursing and wishing horrible things upon the other person. Anyway I did it again recently and it almost obliterated the relationship… I don’t know why I do this. I really want to be the man she deserves. I know I don’t do it because of her looks because she is flawless in my eyes.

I guess I just need a bit of guidance… or a smack around the head… or both. thanks. ~Wants to Make It Right~

Dear WMIR: The Bitter Single Guy has both some guidance and a smack in the head and because it’s just more fun, let’s start with the smack shall we?

Dude, the BSG is like, what?! PORN counts as cheating in your relationship? Really? Short version: you’re doomed.

The BSG gets annoyed by our prudish society sometimes and this is one of those times. Here’s the news, WMIR: everyone looks at porn, even those who say they don’t. Do you think people want faster and faster internet connections to be able to read their church bulletin faster? Nope. Porn.

Now, the BSG needs to put a proviso here that he is adamantly freakishly angrily opposed to porn that victimizes anyone who is not a consenting adult. The exact age this is OK varies by state and it’s a slippery slope down which the BSG won’t travel.

But that aside, it’s normal and has been normal for a very long time. Do you think there weren’t plenty of folks in the Renaissance who were turned on by all those paintings of curvy women lying on couches? Porn. What happens when it’s thought of as cheating and abnormal? People do it in dark scary places and religious leaders end up being hidden perverts.

Ok that’s the smack around the head, WMIR. Porn is normal and both you and your girlfriend are overreacting to it. Add that to the fact that you apparently can’t keep yourself from looking at it (caught twice? The BSG wants you to look at porn during more private times unless getting caught is exciting to you).

So here’s the guidance. The BSG wants you to go to your favorite search engine and type in “Is looking at porn normal?” When you get to an article by a doctor or therapist, print it and talk with your girlfriend about it. And by the way WMIR, porn is normal for BOTH of you. If you’re going to be freaked out by your Angelic Girlfriend having a healthy sex drive, then you’re in for a long list of failed relationships…particularly as you get older (the BSG is going to guess you’re under 25). Have a conversation about the fact that your choice of looking at porn when she’s around was a poor one, but that it’s NOT cheating.

The BSG hopes that the two of you can lighten the hell up and get used to the fact that porn is normal and sometimes it’s gosh-darned fun. ~BSG~

BSG Poll Results

In the Bitter Single Guy’s Real Job (believe it or not, the tacky display advertising on the BSG site isn’t enough to pay the rent) he spends an inordinate amount of time looking at poll results. So then, here are some recent results of these festive BSG polls!

The BSG wanted to find out just who his readers were, or more specifically, what their relationship status was. As you see here, most of the BSG’s readers (at least most of those who replied to the poll) are unhappily single or, one might say, “Bitter Single”. Well the BSG supposes this was to be expected.

The BSG is surprised to see that the next highest category is happily dating/involved! See Readers? Even “happy” folks sometimes need a little adjustment from the BSG.

But wait, what if we look at it this way:

What?! Now we see that most of the BSG’s readers…whether single or involved…are unhappy! Well again, one could probably have guessed that given that all these poor unfortunate souls have come to the BSG for solace. The BSG has always thought his work was critical to the overall happiness of the populace and here he is affirmed in that mission.

As a side note, the BSG thinks there should be a time limit allowed for “it’s complicated”. The BSG himself knows that sometimes things get complicated, but sitting in complication for a long time is bad.

~BSG~