The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Looking at porn is normal

Hey, BSG: To put it simply the girl I’ve been seeing for the past year is an angel. She’s so nice, friendly, beautiful and sweet… I can easily see myself spending the rest of my life with her. My problem is that I have a tendency to mess it all up… a few months ago she caught me looking at porn.

She sees it as cheating (I don’t blame her to be honest. If roles were reversed I’d have a hard time letting it slide too). Needless to say trust was broken and now we have fights that get really heated to the point of yelling, cursing and wishing horrible things upon the other person. Anyway I did it again recently and it almost obliterated the relationship… I don’t know why I do this. I really want to be the man she deserves. I know I don’t do it because of her looks because she is flawless in my eyes.

I guess I just need a bit of guidance… or a smack around the head… or both. thanks. ~Wants to Make It Right~

Dear WMIR: The Bitter Single Guy has both some guidance and a smack in the head and because it’s just more fun, let’s start with the smack shall we?

Dude, the BSG is like, what?! PORN counts as cheating in your relationship? Really? Short version: you’re doomed.

The BSG gets annoyed by our prudish society sometimes and this is one of those times. Here’s the news, WMIR: everyone looks at porn, even those who say they don’t. Do you think people want faster and faster internet connections to be able to read their church bulletin faster? Nope. Porn.

Now, the BSG needs to put a proviso here that he is adamantly freakishly angrily opposed to porn that victimizes anyone who is not a consenting adult. The exact age this is OK varies by state and it’s a slippery slope down which the BSG won’t travel.

But that aside, it’s normal and has been normal for a very long time. Do you think there weren’t plenty of folks in the Renaissance who were turned on by all those paintings of curvy women lying on couches? Porn. What happens when it’s thought of as cheating and abnormal? People do it in dark scary places and religious leaders end up being hidden perverts.

Ok that’s the smack around the head, WMIR. Porn is normal and both you and your girlfriend are overreacting to it. Add that to the fact that you apparently can’t keep yourself from looking at it (caught twice? The BSG wants you to look at porn during more private times unless getting caught is exciting to you).

So here’s the guidance. The BSG wants you to go to your favorite search engine and type in “Is looking at porn normal?” When you get to an article by a doctor or therapist, print it and talk with your girlfriend about it. And by the way WMIR, porn is normal for BOTH of you. If you’re going to be freaked out by your Angelic Girlfriend having a healthy sex drive, then you’re in for a long list of failed relationships…particularly as you get older (the BSG is going to guess you’re under 25). Have a conversation about the fact that your choice of looking at porn when she’s around was a poor one, but that it’s NOT cheating.

The BSG hopes that the two of you can lighten the hell up and get used to the fact that porn is normal and sometimes it’s gosh-darned fun. ~BSG~

BSG Poll Results

In the Bitter Single Guy’s Real Job (believe it or not, the tacky display advertising on the BSG site isn’t enough to pay the rent) he spends an inordinate amount of time looking at poll results. So then, here are some recent results of these festive BSG polls!

The BSG wanted to find out just who his readers were, or more specifically, what their relationship status was. As you see here, most of the BSG’s readers (at least most of those who replied to the poll) are unhappily single or, one might say, “Bitter Single”. Well the BSG supposes this was to be expected.

The BSG is surprised to see that the next highest category is happily dating/involved! See Readers? Even “happy” folks sometimes need a little adjustment from the BSG.

But wait, what if we look at it this way:

What?! Now we see that most of the BSG’s readers…whether single or involved…are unhappy! Well again, one could probably have guessed that given that all these poor unfortunate souls have come to the BSG for solace. The BSG has always thought his work was critical to the overall happiness of the populace and here he is affirmed in that mission.

As a side note, the BSG thinks there should be a time limit allowed for “it’s complicated”. The BSG himself knows that sometimes things get complicated, but sitting in complication for a long time is bad.

~BSG~

The BSG Isn’t Gone

Faithful Readers, the BSG apologizes for his long absence here…it’s been a summer of travel and general busy-ness for the BSG and his column has languished here.  Today the BSG begins his work again for you, his Faithful Readers. Happy summer (what’s left of it).

BSG

A Word About Advertising

Some of you faithful BSG readers will notice that there is banner advertising showing up on the BSG’s site for the first time in, like, 10 years. As you know, the BSG has a day job that prevents him from spending as much time responding to his readers’ letters as he would like. Thus: advertising.

The BSG is VERY particular about what advertising he’ll be bringing to the site, promises not to include tacky flashing ads, and promises only to invite advertisers who he thinks you actually want to see.

~BSG~

Friends With Benefits Not So Beneficial.

Dear Bitter Single Guy: At a party, I hooked up with a guy. We knew each other through our social circle and found each other attractive. We started hooking up every time we got hammered together at parties.

We had a talk, and established that we are just friends with benefits and have no romantic goals with each other. We hung out and did friend things and talked about girls/boys. Recently, we hung out by ourselves, we got drunk, cuddled and talked and he opened up a little bit about his own issues which surprised me, he’s not the type to do that. He initiated the cuddling/make out that ensued afterwards. I should have said no, but I mean, I was drunk, whatever.

We fell asleep cuddling, and when we woke up we hugged goodbye and went our separate ways. That night, we were hanging out with a group. He went out of his way to avoid me. In fact, he spent the entire time gushing about another girl he has a huge crush on. When I finally got him alone and casually brought up the night before he dismissed it saying “Oh, I blacked out, haha, I don’t remember anything”. He was perfectly coherent. I know he didn’t black out.

I get that he probably felt a bit overwhelmed. We were gushing about all sorts of issues and he’s usually pretty emotionally stoic. I’m hurt because, though we established ourselves as friends with benefits, we DID talk about that stuff, and we’re friends first. I think he’s used to hooking up with girls and ignoring them, except I’m in his social circle so he faces a conundrum. He feels pressured to show that nothing has changed emotionally between us. He chooses to just pretend nothing happened. It stings.  He’s very touchy-feely with the rest of our group, even the guys, but he shrinks away from me. We’re housemates next year.

I don’t know what to do about him. I want him to accept me as a friend and not see me as just some dismissible chick. What should I do? Talk to him? Let things run and next time we’re in a situation like that, establish the no-more-benefits-because-you-treat-me-like-crap-afterwards boundary?  I don’t have romantic feelings for him. It just hurts because our group is very open about that sort of thing, and we’ve all hooked up at some point or another, yet I’m the only one he gets weird about it with afterwards? What’s your take? ~Tired of Being Dissed~

Dear TBD: The Bitter Single Guy first wants to point out that friends with benefits rarely seems to work out for many people. Intellectually we all love the idea of sex without strings, but in practice the strings may be hidden, but are usually there.

The BSG thinks you should go with your ‘no-more-benefits-because-you-treat-me-like-crap-afterwards boundary’. Particularly since this group of friends is apparently open and particularly since you’re planning to be housemates next year.

The BSG’s guess is that Drunken Cuddler has some feelings coming up for you despite his best efforts and rather than dealing with them openly, he’s choosing to act all frat-boy-ish and pretend it’s not happening. That means setting the boundary is up to you and the BSG thinks you’ve got this well in hand. Go get ‘im. ~BSG~