Cross-Atlantic Marriage
The BSG received this letter, then received a follow up that this Esteemed Gentleman had already come to a decision and the BSG should share his advice with someone more needy. That aside, the BSG puts this here for his readers to offer their advice:
Dear Bitter Single Guy: After living together for a year and half in the southeastern United States, my French girlfriend and I now live in different countries. I just started a 4-5 year doctoral program in the Northeastern United States, and she is finishing the last year of her doctoral work in France. I spent this past summer in France getting to know her family and friends. We have talked seriously about marriage, even going into details about how the invitations would work, who would speak, how I can get the size for the engagement ring, and where the marriage would take place. So the relationship is a serious one, and I am reasonably sure that she wants a future with me as much as I want one with her.
In my zeal and enthusiasm for the relationship (after all, I am young and in love), I have made lots of concessions on the future. The marriage will be in France, and will be traditional French. We will live permanently in France, which is slightly worse for me professionally, but I am willing to do it because I like the country and she has a STRONG preference to live there (see below). Finally I am organizing my studies so that I can spend summers working at a laboratory in France, which will allow me to spend time with her. This coming summer for example, I will be working there.
The problem is that she is seemingly unwilling to make a similar sacrifice and move to the U.S. to do a post-doc after she completes her thesis next year. I want her to come for one year. 5 years of long distance is too much. People at my school have assured me that they will be able to find a position for her, but she has so far refused to follow up on their offer. She basically has until the end of the year to act or the window of opportunity will pass. There are a couple of reasons for her reluctance. One is that she hates America. No vacation, no long dinners, no health care, high infant mortality rate, stupid population, etc…. A second is that her mom is constantly telling her that she shouldn’t come here, and she is utterly incapable of standing up to her mother. A third is that she claims that doing a post-doc here will prevent her from finding a permanent position in France in the future. This is her finding an excuse, and is simply not true.
Whenever I bring up the subject of her moving here, she tells me that I should stop putting pressure on her and that she needs to decide on her own time. I of course abide. She says this despite having made it very clear to me that she would stop the relationship in the future if I decided to stay in America permanently. So I can’t put pressure on her, but she is free to put it on me.
I am going to see her in a month. What should I say to her? I am feeling like it’s time for her to grow up and make a choice about what she really wants, but I’m afraid that saying, “Move here or I’ll break up with you,” may end up being both counterproductive and unfair on her. I’m also not sure that I would follow through with it. On the other hand, it’s hard for me to justify investing so much time, money, and lost professional opportunity (if I’m networking in France, I’m not networking here) on someone who isn’t willing to make a true sacrifice for the sake of our relationship. If she isn’t willing to sacrifice now, it makes me wonder how much she will really fight for our relationship later down the line when things may not be easy or convenient for her. Also….could she just be waiting on me to pop the question? ~Fight or Flight~
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Says:
October 14th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
I really wish the BSG would have addressed this post because I am going through a very similar situation on a much smaller scale. Nevertheless, it would have been interesting to see how he would have responded.
I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year and a half. We have been living together for a little less than one year. We often talk about getting married and having children together one day. I have met his immediate and extended family and I get along well with all of them. He has met my parents and one of my siblings and will get to meet the rest of my family when we go up north for Thanksgiving this year. We have pets and have purchased some moderately priced items together. So needless to say, we have invested quite a bit in each other in the overall short period of time we have been together.
The problem is that he is completely unwilling to compromise on many things. The most recent and probably biggest disagreement thus far being moving closer into town (we live in a suburb of Houston).
Let me explain… I recently took a job on the northeast side of town and we live in a small town on the outskirts of the southwest side of the city. Needless to say, my commute to and from work is hell! Our lease will be up on our apartment in early January ’09 and I have been struggling to find a new dwelling closer into town that doesn’t in turn put a hardship on his travel time to work. However, he owns his own General Contracting business so he doesn’t really have a set schedule or work area. Everything I have suggested he immediately shoots down. He finally told me that he does not want to move in any closer; in fact, if it was up to him he would like to move further away. I told him that the only solution would be for me to find my own place in the city then since he is not in a position to support me financially if I quit my job to move out in the country with him and the friggin wild boars. He agreed but now he is acting like we are breaking up if I move out. I have expressed to him that I do not want that to happen and that my heart hurts to know that he would throw our relationship away over this. He says he wants things to work out too but isn’t sure that we will be able to see each other enough to keep each other happy and we might as well accept the inevitable.
So, I guess my conundrum is, do I just suck it up and sign another lease where we currently live (he has at least agreed to this) or do I move somewhere closer to keep myself from ramming my car into the one in front of me during rush hour traffic and risk losing someone I deeply love?
Says:
October 18th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Since you asked so nicely, the BSG will weigh in here. Mostly, the BSG thinks that if you and Country Boy can’t come to some common ground on this issue that doesn’t bode very well for the future. Sounds like the compromise in Country Boy’s mind is staying where you are. The BSG recommends doing that unless you’re willing to dump him over your commute. Frankly, the BSG is such a road-rager that he might be inspired to sacrifice a good relationship for a short commute, but that’s just him.
~BSG~
Says:
October 24th, 2008 at 11:47 am
BSG,
I am the person who sent you the original letter. Thank you for posting my mail. It turns out that I was wrong to think that I could get through this without the BSG’s ultimate wisdom. I hope you will take my second email as a sign of respect for you and your readers. I was imagining that you receive hundreds upon hundreds of emails, and that if you were to help me out, you might not be able to help out others who are more in need.
In fact I was wrong, and I am in need just as much as anyone. My “solution” had been just to wait it out, and try to meet for vacations. Think alcohol, white sand, and tropical resorts. The idea was not to pressure my gf into a “France or me” choice because I would likely come out the loser. In any case, this problem still keeps me up at night, and I’m unsure that this is the “right” strategy. So I humbly request your advice.
Says:
November 30th, 2008 at 12:59 am
FoF–
I dunno, it sounds like you both have drastically different versions of how you want to live out each others future. She seems to make good points about reasons for not wanting a life in the US(- stupid people) and if she’s not even willing to even think about it, she’s probably never going to do it.
Sometimes it takes a lot more than love for a relationship to work, you know? Sometimes the cards have to all be in the right place(like similar morals), especially when it comes to such serious decisions, especially about major ways you want to live your life. I hope that helps! (and makes sense!)
Good luck!!!!
~ Dolly
Says:
December 11th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Get out.
Now.
Things will only get worse.
I recently had a somewhat similar (yet very different) experience when I was living in Australia. I made so many sacrifices for Australian Girl, all on the *promise* of her treating me better in the future. For me it wasn’t all about the living situation, it was also a general thing.
The theme here is that one person is making all the sacrifices, while the other one is not. Even when you make it clear how much it is hurting you. I hate to say it, but that is not someone whom you should be with. You deserve better then that.
I gave someone years of my life. I spent time away from my grandparents, missed their 60th wedding anniversary, and my best friend’s wedding. None of that was enough for her to start treating me better. Guess what? My grandmother just died. I made the wrong choice on who to spend my time with.
Don’t make similar sacrifices for someone who wouldn’t do the same for you.
Oh, and her blatant bigotry against Americans doesn’t bode well either (“stupid people”?!?!?). I’m sure, deep down, it bothers you (after all, YOU are American, right?). I’m sure you try to rationalize it; to play it down. Be honest and see it for what it is. Anyone who makes blanket statements like that against another race or culture should be avoided like the plague.
I know leaving is hard, but if you stay things will only get harder.
Get out. Save your love and sacrifice for someone more deserving.
Says:
December 30th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
This is a very touchy subject, however girls like myself won’t change there mind just their partner. Strong men have taught strong women their ways, now that we get to have a say in our fate men mean less to us (or so we try to make it seem). Deep down we want to be happy just on our terms. I’m sure that if you gave in now you would keep her happy for a few more months or years. Doing so however she will run your life the way she runs hers and it will not be fair to you. You will spend the rest of your life just trying to make her happy if you think that she will ever change you are wrong. Unless she plans to change for herself just let her be “happy” without you. She will know what it’s like to have lost and her own pride and arrogance will serve her right.
As for not putting pressure on her you are right, just keep an open mind and do what makes you happy too. Keep your feelings from getting the best of you in your mind I’m sure you already dread the inevitable outcome.
To quote my favorite film “My Fair Lady”
“Let a woman in your life, and you’re up against a wall,
make a plan and you will find,
that she has something else in mind,
and so rather than do either you do something else
that neither likes at all”