Cute Guy, Messed Up Teeth
Note: This reader urgently asked the BSG not to post her name or email address. Gentle Readers…the BSG never posts names or email addresses and usually strips out any geographic identifiers (like cities) as well. There is safety in anonymity, the BSG believes.
Dear Bitter Single Guy: I met a guy recently that I’m very attracted to that also has a nice personality but has very messed up teeth. I am an attractive female who is not shallow, but does not understand why he hasn’t fixed his teeth. I want to ask him but I am afraid to hurt his feelings. I had messed up teeth from sucking my thumb but my mother fixed my teeth when I was a child. Even if she hadn’t I would have gotten braces. They are expensive but doctors allow you to make payments slowly. The true problem I have is that I get distracted every time he opens his mouth or smiles. I keep finding myself looking at his teeth. And he’s caught me a few times. Then when I try to avoid looking it makes me feel awkward because then I can’t look at him in his face while he’s talking. What should I do? I like him and would like to continue dating him. Should I ask him to get braces? ~Tooth Fairy~
Dear TF: The Bitter Single Guy thinks it would be easy to tell you that you’re being really shallow and that love is tough enough to find without picking on something minor like unattractive teeth. However the BSG knows, as most of his readers do, that sometimes these seemingly shallow issues are the toughest ones to get past.
OK TF, this could be a bit of a time bomb and won’t be easy for you, but the BSG is sensing that this is a big enough issue that it will get in the way of your relationship unless you say something. What’s that you say? If you say something to Snaggle Tooth, he might be totally freaked out and turned off and dump you? Correct; he might. But the BSG doesn’t give your relationship much future if you can’t look him in the face when he’s talking to you.
The right time to tell him is not immediately before, during or after an intimate moment. The BSG will guess that Snaggle Tooth is somewhat self-conscious about his dental deficiency so if you bring it up in a moment of intimate vulnerability it will be especially painful. You should ask about it very casually in a very casual moment that also gives the space for a deeper (yet casual) conversation should the need come up. Maybe the two of you will be meeting to go to a movie and you could (casually) say something like “I have a friend who had braces as an adult and I noticed that some of your teeth seemed to go in different directions. Have you ever thought about adult braces?” The BSG recommends avoiding words like “crooked”, “damaged” or, heaven help us, “gross” in order to avoid charging the conversation with tons of negative energy.
That said, Snaggle Tooth isn’t likely to feel good about himself regardless of your attempts at being casual and since the male ego can be somewhat fragile anyway, the BSG guesses that this might be the end of your relationship since it’s unlikely that you and Snag have built up sufficient foundation to survive a hit like this one.
Wow, after all that the BSG finds himself actually coming right back to telling you that you probably need to learn to live with Snaggle Tooth as he is, or prepare to break up with him (or be dumped). Good luck with that, TF.
~BSG~
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Says:
April 2nd, 2009 at 7:58 am
This reminds me of that line in As Good As It Gets, when Melvin says, “You make me want to be a better man.” And that is the thing, right, either the person you are with is going to want to get better…or not? Let’s hope it is the former in most cases.
Says:
April 2nd, 2009 at 2:30 pm
That’s a tough one.
I attemped to date a guy that I wasn’t 100% attracted to right away. I kept telling myself his personality and humor would help me get past that… and it did. Until we ate together.
He chewed with his mouth open. Again, I tried to look past it. After the third date that included food I finally, and semi politely, told him it was a bit of a distraction.
He said he knew I had noticed and that it had bothered me because I apparently cringed whenever he did it. He said he wanted to see how long it would take before I manned up and asked him to stop.
We hung out again as friends afterward (not because of that, but its the dating world and we just didnt have that spark).
The moral of the story: If you have to look away and he’s caught you, he probably already knows. But if you ever DO bring it up, tread lightly as we all have a snaggle tooth in one form or another, whether you realize it or not (this applies to both personality and looks). Don’t be surprised if he attempts to defend himself. If you are going to point out a fault in someone, be prepared to receive one as well.
Says:
April 2nd, 2009 at 9:49 pm
As a guy with messed up teeth (getting them fixed a little at a time as I have money) I can share a possibly different perspective on this.
1. He knows his teeth are messed up.
2. He knows for sure whether or not it bothers him.
3. If you are polite about how you ask, and he’s not a jerk, he’ll explain why he hasn’t fixed them, and it might be enlightening.
For me, it was because about the time I SHOULD have been getting braces, my parents filed for bankruptcy, and were never able to afford to get them fixed. As a young adult, first in college, and then as a wage slave because college is not the rocket to the top your high school guidance councilor said it would be, I could not afford to do anything about it.
Even now with a nice primary income and a small secondary income a photographer, the costs are EXTREMELY high. Most insurances cover only 50% of orthodontics, and some have strict limits on top of that. For me, once all the other work is done and I’m ready for braces, the total bill will be about $3500 (braces take longer as an adult) and my insurance will only cover 50% up to a lifetime max of $1500, so it will cost me $2000 out of pocket.
Combine that with a few bad financial decisions in my early 20′s and it will be a long time before I can fix them completely.
Of course, if he just doesn’t care what they look like, you’re going to have to decide just how much it bothers you as others have said.
Says:
April 3rd, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Steve, the BSG hugely appreciates your personal bent on this issue! You rock. TF is the lucky recipient of some ‘been there’ advice. ~BSG~
Says:
April 4th, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Fantastic Steve! You’ve come a long way and have worked hard. And thank you for pointing out the financial side.
I think a lot of younger adults and teens don’t understand the weight finances can weigh on us, especially in this trying times. As the OP said, you can do payments, but I wonder if the OP realizes that the 50 or so dollars a month you would have to spend (not including interest!!) to pay off that debt can take a lot out of ones budget, not to mention the damage one could do to their credit if they suddenly find themselves unable to pay (what with unemployment up 8.5 or so right now).
(And as someone in the arts world I can appreciate what you must put in for your photography). Thank you for sharing your story!
Says:
April 8th, 2009 at 7:28 am
Yes Steve I’m aware of the financial side… which is why I still haven’t gotten laser eye surgery yet, but the difference between having to wear contacts/glasses and not being able to smile natural and be yourself is a big difference in my opinion. If I had the choice to start college right away or take a year off and spend the money on making payments on braces, I would have chosen the later. I guess it all depends on how much it bothers you. The way my teeth were as a 10 yr old before my mother fixed them would have greatly bothered me as a adult. But to each his own. and beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that stuff… but to update you guys for your entertainment. we stopped talking not because i couldn’t get over his teeth but because our conversations started getting boring. i would rather deal w/ messed up teeth than boring conversations any day.
Says:
August 9th, 2009 at 8:36 am
Get braces now. i am an adult and have a mouthfull of regular metal braces. its fine honestly. the only thing i noticed is i look younger. i even have headger!