Dating When You’re Broke
Dear Bitter Single Guy: Hi, how are you?
I have a dilemma which is I went through a MAJOR financial crisis in 2008 where I lost it all and it’s been damaging my confidence with the opposite sex. I go out with them the 1st time and they have a great time, but I feel that when I tell them “I don’t have a car” they tend to run away. I used to be the kind of guy that all I wanted was to figure out a way to get laid and was attracting those women all the time, but now I would like to settle down. My financial situation is turning around slowly. I do attract the type of women I’m looking for but I know my finances are the only thing that’s affecting my confidence to pursue them long-term.
I’m just confused, hurt, disappointed and optimistic (yes, all at the same time) ~Pockets Are Empty~
Dear PAE: The Bitter Single Guy is just fine, thanks for asking! Also, he has had the unenviable experience of starting over financially a couple of times and he can understand how it’s simultaneously humbling and empowering.
PAE, the BSG thinks you just need to figure out what your worth is in the absence of money and a car (and the other trappings of your former life). The BSG knows that this sounds really easy when he says it in one little sentence, but he also knows that there are people whose quest to figure this out will be interrupted by dying of old age. Which is to say: yeah, it can take the rest of your life, but why not start now?
The key here is that you don’t indicate that these women you’re meeting are somehow turned off by your new financial status…you seem clear that the hang-up is yours. The BSG thinks this is an excellent place to start redefining the you who has fewer material albatrosses hanging about your neck (the BSG is particularly proud of that metaphor, but isn’t sure what the plural of albatross is. Albatrosses? Albatrossi?). By the way, the BSG wonders if you’ve explored all the non-revenue-requiring date options in your town? The BSG himself is a fan of outdoor art, picnics at parks, and “free” day at museums (Thursdays in the BSG’s city). With a modicum of creativity, you can wow the most discerning of damsels, PAE.
Here’s a question, though: The BSG wonders if you’re still in pursuit of the women who were formerly impressed (or at least required) material things like cars? If so, the BSG recommends pursuing some artists. To the BSG’s experience, artists are often insightful, intelligent and – due to their commitment to their art – often accustomed to fewer albatrosses. ~BSG~
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Says:
August 4th, 2010 at 10:51 am
Interesting. I assume by ‘type’ he means something more all-encompassing than blonde or brunette. If the type of girl he wants (and attracts) is one focused on material wealth, then really the only solution is to build that wealth back up. He’d need to do a little more soul searching to actually change the type he wants, and venture in to the artist world as BSG suggests.
Says:
August 7th, 2010 at 12:39 am
So, I’m gonna write from the females perspective on here in regards to money.
Ambition is more attractive than money, and sometimes money becomes unattractive.
Ex 1: I recently went on a date. I knew going in the guy made three times what I have ever made, and most of the guys I have been with aren’t rolling in dough, so I was interested to see what this would be like. I come from money, walked away to make my own, and was kind of like – ok, maybe it will be nice to be a little spoiled by someone. Superficial? Maybe, I’m just being honest, and I am normally the one trying to spoil.
Anyway – I get to the guys house and ALL he could talk about was money. How much he made, how much he wanted to make, how many cars he had, how much money he invested into the condo, how much he wanted to make off of it so he could move. I mean, it got sickening. Any chance this guy had of getting back together with me flew out the door halfway through the night.
Ex 2: I’ve been having AMAZING rapport with a guy who probably doesn’t make that much, at least not in this point in life. In fact, he isn’t even working in the industry he wants to be in… he’s just paying the bills until his goals are met. And HELLO ATTRACTION. I mean, just the way he talks about what he wants to accomplish, and the fact that he actively works towards it, regardless of whether he lives paycheck to paycheck right now or not (I honestly don’t know, nor do I need to at this point), is what makes him so attractive.
I would rather be with a guy who put his all into his dreams and goals, and ACTUALLY worked toward it, than suffered away just to make money or brag.
And yes, PAE, it is important for a woman to see a guy can support himself. That isn’t necessarily because we want to BE supported – more like we don’t want to have to support – we want an equal relationship. But, for the right guy (as I hope for the right girl), a woman would be willing to help her special dude out while he worked toward his goals. Last example I promise (Im a girl, we write and talk a lot).
My cousin and her very very soon to be husband were in a similar situation to you. He was in finance, it got really tough, he went back to get his MBA and she supported him (emotionally and financially). Don’t get me wrong, he worked where he could, but she took on the majority of the financial responsibility, and was only more than happy to, to support her now-fiance. He completed his MBA and is now an equal partner in the relationship financially. When he couldn’t be, he made up for it by working hard, and just being a good overall boyfriend (emotional, physical, caring, etc).
Long and short – you’ll keep being disappointed if you only go after girls who took husband hunting 101 in college. Look for an equal partner. Oh, and the hottest date I ever went on was to the Planetarium. I hadn’t been yet, and it was fun, and we both learned a lot and guess what… IT WAS FREE! Real women don’t need to be wooed with money and cars.
Says:
August 17th, 2010 at 2:33 pm
I agree. I’m actually turned off by guys who throw money at a date. It’s almost like they think the money’s impressive and does all the work, so they don’t do any. If you put thought into dates, click and have a good time, that’s all most girls want. The ones who only want money you don’t want anyway. So consider yourself lucky to be able to filter them out easily.