Dear Bitter Single Guy: First I must write that you really aren’t so bitter after all. From your posts I read a lot of well-intentioned wisdom, which has prompted my email. (~Awww…gosh thanks~)
OK, so I’ve been seeing this guy long distance since October . He’s 35, I’m 28, neither of us have been married. I’ve met his entire family, gone to birthday parties, holiday events, etc with him. He recently quit his job to go back to school to pursue another career. I supported this decision. Recently I asked him to come visit me, but got no response. Within the last month he has become quite distant from towards me. Not returning my calls as consistently as he used to, emails, etc. What did I do? Was I wrong to ask him to come see me? Why cold all of a sudden? Should I wait for him to call or call him? Is he done with me?
My parents think he can’t commit to anything, and that’s the reason for his behavior. But I don’t think so. Are some guys lifelong bachelors? He lives with an older brother who is also not married. ~Thinking I’m Single~
Dear TIS: OK, the BSG hopes this ship hasn’t sailed, but it’s so rare that we get to reclaim power in a potential dumpee situation that he thinks you need to act fast. For reference, the BSG is referring to the fact that everyone at some point gets dumped and everyone at some point dumps someone (if you’re in the game, that is). The nature of the dump-er and dump-ee dynamic is that you have more power as the dumper than you do the dumpee. UnLESS you can effect a preemptive dumping…that’s the plan for you TIS.
What helps you in this is that Spineless Jellyfish Man is apparently using the ever-popular breakup-by-proxy approach…which is to say; he’s going to go dark and wait for you to “get the message”. The BSG loves to hear people talk about this as if it’s legitimate. “I stopped calling him two weeks ago, can’t he get the message?” <giggles callously> Tacky, tacky, tacky.
Don’t wait for him to respond to your questions about coming to visit, don’t extend another offer. Do this: Call him and say something like “Since you’ve moved away to school, it seems we’ve grown distant and I’m sensing that our relationship is over for you. I can understand how that can happen. Call me if you want to get together sometime…otherwise good luck.”
This will get his attention, without a doubt. He’ll either act all innocent about his behavior being called out and call you with a bunch of “I NEVER meant that!” talk, or he’ll take the “get out of jail free card” you’ve offered and will simply continue not to communicate.The BSG suspects the former. That’s the way of Spineless Jellyfish Men.
Either way, the power is now yours as the dumper! It won’t feel good…that ship has already sailed…but it will allow the recovery time to be significantly less.
By the way, to your question about whether some men are lifelong bachelors: Sure some are. It’s easy to say it’s because of fear of commitment, but in the BSG’s mind there are a ton of reasons why a person (man or woman) would spend his or her life single. That’s for another post.