Ending It Properly
Dear Bitter Single Guy: I was seeing this guy for about 4 months, and I got a little lost in the sex haze and didn’t see that that was pretty much all we had… over Halloween it fell apart when I tried to hang out with him without fooling around… not badly, but he was cold and I was annoyed that he was cold, and one thing led to another and he pulled the “I won’t call you and hope you get the message” card. I got the message.
My question is: Should I send him some sort of email to officially solidify the breakup, state that I’m not mad and then berate him gently for not doing it like a man? If so, what should I write? I know the answer is probably Let sleeping dogs lie… but I just want to make sure that I will lose face if I acknowledge this cowardly behavior… ~Want the Last Word~
Dear WLW: The Bitter Single Guy isn’t always a fan of letting sleeping dogs lie, sometimes poking that dog with a stick teaches him not to sleep by the door where he can get stepped on. The question is whether you’re ready to re-engage in this conversation if he has a clever response and doesn’t just tuck his tail between his legs.
The BSG applauds (clap, clap, clap) your realization that your time with your Charming Cur was mostly about the bump-bump and not so much about the relationshippy stuff, but the BSG wonders if you shared this with Charming Cur before changing the rules? If you decided on your own that your time together should be something other than sex but didn’t communicate that to Charming Cur, then there’s a good chance he interpreted that as disinterest on your part. While the BSG wishes that we all could just say what we mean sometimes, even the BSG has been guilty of just hoping that stuff gets communicated without having to say it (yes, even the BSG).
So WLW, assuming you made sure your own house was clean before criticizing Charming Cur’s house, the BSG recommends taking the high road. Here’s one thought:
“Hey there, since I haven’t heard from you I’m assuming that we’re done, which is what I was thinking anyway. It was fun hanging out for a couple of months, but I guess there wasn’t much past the physical stuff for us.”
The important thing here is that if you’re going to send this casual, lighthearted email with the expectation that you might NEVER hear from Charming Cur again, then you’re in the right head-space. If however, you’re expecting this last shot to open a dialogue, this is likely to backfire on you.
In summary, while it’s fun to get the last word, you have to position it correctly or you’ll end up losing the upper hand. Be strong, WLW. ~BSG~
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Says:
November 17th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
Just to update, about a week later he made a move on a facebook application game we had going– in my rage, I sent him an email that wasn’t so nice (shameful, I know)… it wasn’t, mean, really… but it was sarcastic, something along the lines of “nice to see you are alive through a facebook application, we’re completely done, don’t contact me again and guess what you didn’t ruin my life [he "dumped" me right before two very difficult law school exams... and I did pretty badly but I will not give him the satisfaction of that knowledge]”
haven’t heard back. don’t really expect to. Just kinda feel bad because I know I will probably run in to him at some point in the next year due to the fact that we have mutual friends.
also, just for the record, I had most definitely communicated that I wanted more than a bump-bump kind of thing, and that I wanted to see where this was going. We had talked about exclusivity and we had sort of told each other the L-word, although very tentatively… but, I admit, communication was not our strong point. Talking without booze was actually really hard, so mostly we just drank around each other. Actually, I think emotions of any kind were just not his strong suit… and I need someone with a little more depth.
finally, thank you for answering!!!
Says:
November 18th, 2009 at 11:34 am
You’re welcome WLW…and the BSG recommends going easy on yourself for your sarcastic note to him. You’re entitled. ~BSG~
Says:
November 19th, 2009 at 12:28 am
Great advice BSG! To WLW, I want to commend you on not wasting time moving on with your life. So many people fail to take heed of the glaring red flags in a relationship that yell “Hey, it’s over, move on!” Instead, they hang on and often waste years with a partner they are not compatible with, hoping it will all work out.
You showed great courage in cutting your loses with that guy. Now the door is wide open for you to meet someone who will want you do, a more serious relationship. All the best to you!