Fairytale Romance, Outsiders Don’t Approve.
Dear Bitter Single Guy: (Sorry in advance for any typos, I’m typing this from my iPhone) I am a formerly bitter single girl who managed to end up in a perfect relationship, after quite a while with the wrong man and then being bitterly single for a while. My boyfriend and I know for certain that we want to get married and have kids, and we even refer to each other as husband and wife, though it’s not official yet. So…what’s the problem?
It’s not us – it is quite a few people around us. I’m white and my hubby-to-be is Asian. A lot of people seem to have major issues with that pairing, especially because my hubby is not too Americanized, speaks with an accent, and English is not his first language. We get rude stares and faces made at us, and some desperate middle-aged white (and black) guys have taken it upon themselves to Inform me that Asian men have small penises, they beat their women, and that said middle-aged guy could “treat me right” unlike my Asian hubby. I’m getting kind of sick of these kinds of things, especially because they do happen in public where other people can hear what’s going on.
As well as the racism, we have constant negativity by bitter single (and married) people who don’t believe that my hubby and I don’t argue/fight, who tell us that it will never work because of age difference (he’s almost 10 years older), that I need to “settle down with a nice white man and pop out a few kids” (I actually had someone tell me that!), etc. In other words, people seem to be trying their best to sabotage a wonderful relationship. My hubby and I have both been through some really nasty breakups, abuse (me, not him), and we’ll never let anyone get between us.
BSG, how would you deal with such horrible behaviour from people? I’ve tried ignoring it, which is what I usually do, but I know I’m going to be dealing with this kind of racism from my own family (on my mother’s side) if they find out I’m marrying a FOB Taiwanese man. And how do we get the naysayers to shut up, without resorting to throwing rotten food at them?
Thank you for any advice, for this formerly bitter single girl has finally found her true love and is sick of other bitter single people trying to make us miserable and break us up. ~ Harshing My Buzz~
Dear HMB: WTF?! The Bitter Single Guy just has to ask in the most loving way possible…WTF?!
Move away HMB. That’s it. Screw the bastards who have a problem with your interracial relationship, or gay relationship, or age-differential relationship, or ANY kind of consensual adult relationship that makes you and your partner happy. Screw the bastards, pack your bags, and move to a more diverse coastal city. (The BSG knows that there are plenty of diverse and accepting cities in the middle of continents, but the odds are better on a coast. The BSG doesn’t know why, we just all know it’s true.)
Really HMB, someone said to settle down with a white guy and pop out a few kids? The BSG believes that public violence should be allowed in situations like that and he hopes you took the opportunity to smack the offender upside her or his head. Sheesh.
By the way HMB…you wrote all that on your iPhone? You go girl. ~BSG~
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Says:
April 14th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Holy Schmageggie…. you poor thing! Really.
But first I applaud you for being secure in your relationship. Good for you. Second, I am shocked at the iphone profciency. I stopped texting because I hate typing on my iphone (not to mention I think texts are the death of relationships).
I sort of understand what you are going through. Not to that extent by any means but I know it is not easy. I am a fair white jewish princess and the apple of my eye is persian. You can imagine, it does not always go down well within our families… or should I say mine (his loves me and what’s not to love!).
It’s not that my own mother is close minded… quite the opposite. But in her motherly way always dreamed of a Jewish doctor for her artsy daughter. Not gonna happen.
If acceptance is important to you (regarding your family), sit them down and tell them how you feel. Explain to them that this is hwat makes you happy. In the end, if you are happy, they should see that and accept that. Give them time. While my own mudda may still be iffy about my own culturally diverse relationship, she has grown to really like my persian rug and I know will one day be happy because I am happy. The key is confidence in the relationship and you already have that.
As far as the others. You may never be able to shut them up. But that is their problem not yours. Throw fruit if you must. I won’t tell.
And BSG is right – us on the coasts are a bit more open minded than fly by america. I believe a big part of it is there are more diverse cultures here. We are ports and are an easy access area for those from other countries. We have become more melting pottish and are more accepting because diversity is just an everyday and much welcome part of life.
Says:
April 17th, 2009 at 1:54 am
First of all, all of the people who object to your relationship because he’s asian can go… well, I’m not sure what the profanity rules are in comments, but I’m pretty sure you can guess what I think they can go do to themselves.
As for the age difference, it ‘can’ be an issue, but my parents have been married over 30 years, and my mom is 14 years older than my dad, so that doesn’t ‘need’ to be a problem. Oh, and I never fight with my girlfriend. We have disagreements, but we always keep them civil and reasoned. I can’t imagine how that’s a bad thing.
Let me tell you a fun little story about dealing with racist… dang it, I want to use an expletive again. Let’s call them ‘people’ for lack of a better term.
Being 14 years older than my dad, my mom was previously married. It just happens that her first husband was *gasp* a black guy, and my mom is as white as they come. Irish white. So I’ve got a sister who is black. (technically she’s a half sister, and half black, but both are irrelevant to me, and this discussion)
When I was a kid, I was in scouts. Met lot’s of great people. On kid had a dad who was a racist “person.” After first meeting my sister, he struck up a conversation with my dad, who knew they guy was a racist.
“So, that was your daughter?”
“Yup.” (My dad didn’t consider her a step daughter any more than I consider her a half sister)
“So… she’s black.”
“Good eye.” (friendly chuckle)
“So is she adopted?”
“Huh. So, uh, how’d that happen?”
“Well, she was born that way?”
No matter where you go, you’re going to run into racist “people” and you have to deal with them the best you can. You can get upset, ignore them, or have fun with them.
Next time somebody makes some racist remark about him being asian, look as shocked as you possibly can and say, “What?!?!? He’s asian? Oh my god! I better find my lawyer. You’d think somebody would have told me by now.”
Says:
April 17th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
I would throw a chicken bone at anyone who told me any of these things. I think anyone who says these sort of things are probably miserable and bitter people.
Says:
April 22nd, 2009 at 9:30 am
Darlin, some people are just plain dumb. Your relationship brings nothing but love and good things, and if anyone, ANYONE AT ALL, has an issue with it, then it really is *their* problem and not yours.
That said, it as hard to have to deal with the flack from other people’s internal damage. My X-husband was Pakistani and I am as white-bread american as they come. I had to deal with very little (nothing really) from my friends and family, but it was common to get nasty looks and stupid comments from total strangers. I personally take comfort knowing that I not only don’t have to take it, remember it, or judge it, but that somewhere at sometime they will get their come-upance and will be very aware of having been so uncouth.
I hope you find fullfillment and happiness in this relationship, and that you are able to enjoy yourself inspite of the terrible thing others do.
Says:
April 29th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
I have to agree that the only thing you can do is ignore and sadly probably lose those friendships with those who have problems with it. Hopefully some of them eventually will come around,, but I wouldn’t bet on it or lose sleep over it. I like Steve’s idea of having fun with the racist jerks you encounter…being able to find humor in the situation can be a good way to deal with it.
Says:
May 1st, 2009 at 1:24 pm
BSG – hope all is well in the bitter world?
Says:
May 5th, 2009 at 7:16 am
All is indeed well…busy in all the right ways. Thanks much for checking BCG.
~BSG~