Fake It ‘Til You Make It
BSG, I’ll try my best to make a long story short.
I have been married to my husband for 10 years now. We’ve had ups and downs like any relationship. I have thought before that things wouldn’t work out, but we have stuck it out. I find myself frequently questioning my feelings for him and have been very depressed. I began seeing a therapist in January and after a few months my husband joined me because he was worried he didn’t have a marriage anymore.
We’re still going, once a week and I feel that very little has changed. I feel like I am faking it till we make it. And I have been feeling like he is just waiting for me to make up my mind about what I want. I’m the bad guy and he’s the victim. Well then I find out he has a membership to cupid.com and has IM’ed with girls on there. I asked him about it and said it was innocent talk.
Well I know the girl he’s been talking to, but he doesn’t know that part. He told her he was going through a divorce and not to run away. She said she was online last week and he IM’ed her. This latest contact was after I asked him about it. I have to wonder if he is truly happy; what is he on there for? What is missing for him? I’m his 2nd wife and wonder if he is afraid of another failed marriage.
My head says staying together is the right thing to do. We have a daughter; we have great stability, and a promising future of success. The pretty little picture.
I am tired of feeling like I am faking it. He is being deployed to Iraq for 6 months and I am so looking forward to the separation. I won’t send him off thinking things are shaky though. Once he returns we are to relocate to the North near my family. The only reason he requested this assignment is for me and I feel obligated to stay because of it. Okay, this is way too long. What are your thoughts? ~Head or Heart~
Dear HOH: The Bitter Single Guy wants you to stop treating this as a “fake it until you make it” exercise, because he wants to remind you that (as far as he knows) “making it” in marriage is dying, right? “‘Til death do we part”, HOH?
You’re in therapy which is a good first step, but the BSG wonders what’s happening in therapy to be there for nearly a year without you feeling like anything’s changing. Perhaps it’s time for a new therapist? But the BSG definitely encourages you to bring your letter to your therapist to see what s/he has to say. Short answer: you need to decide whether you want to stay in this relationship.
The BSG is a little miffed with your hubbie for contacting other girls online. But the BSG kind of understands where he’s coming from. If you’re as emotionally uninterested as you say you are, he’s probably feeling pretty lonely too. Really HOH, why are you staying in this relationship again?
Have this conversation with your therapist and find reasons to stay in your relationship. Otherwise, you have a lifetime of, at best, emotional numbness to look forward to . Yay? ~BSG~
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