The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Grammar Police

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Hi, l’m in love wit a guy who hapened 2 b my sista’s inlaw. Although, he loves me 2, bt my problem nw is dat l’m 5yrs older than him. I’m so ashamed of myself befriending a vry young boy n l dn’t want 2 marry 4rm d same family wit my sista. We’ve decided 2 b best of friends until l’m married. So pls, l nid ur candid advice here. Shud l carry on wit him until l’m married or shud l quit? Thank u n God bess u. ~Cradle Robber~

Dear CR: Because he’s a little uptight about grammar and spelling, the Bitter Single Guy usually takes a slight editing pass at letters that have an error or an inelegant sentence. Although he knows that when his readers are in the throes of emotional torment sometimes an “alot” will slip through or a “your” when the writer means “you are”, these are like tiny daggers piercing the BSG’s big heart, but he has learned not to rail against these injustices.

Here, however, the BSG has to say “What the fuck, CR?” Note that the BSG is not opting for the less blatant “WTF”, but is going right to the f-bomb here in his column. Seriously, what the fuck? It took the BSG three times to understand that “4rm” means “from”. Is this what’s happening to language out there in the era of text messaging? If so, the BSG wants no part. Just this week, the BSG learned that some (many?) elementary schools in the US are no longer teaching cursive writing. What? The BSG gets that he’s sounding like an old curmudgeon here, but really? *BSG clenches his fist and shakes it at the sky* What’s becoming of our written language!?

OK whatever, CR. The BSG knows you don’t give a rat’s ass about the physical pain he experiences when he deciphers “l dn’t want 2 marry 4rm d same family wit my sista” to be “I don’t want to marry from the same family with my sister” because even with the words spelled out, it’s abysmal.

CR, the BSG hopes God blesses you too and he also hopes that God helps you stumble onto a dictionary or a grammar text book sometime soon.

Your question, abysmal writing and grammar aside, is apparently that you’ve fallen for your sister’s brother-in-law (assumed to be your sister’s husband’s brother) who is 5 years younger than you. Because of the age difference you’ve decided to be best friends until you’re married, although the BSG’s interpretation of your letter indicates that you’re not talking about marrying HIM, is that right?

CR, the context of actual age is critical here:

• Based on your use of “text speech” the BSG is going to assume that you’re not a 40 year old who has fallen for a 35 year old. Obviously, the BSG wouldn’t give a crap about that difference and neither should you.
• If you’re a 20 year old who’s fallen for a 15 year old, the BSG appreciates your concern and is glad you’ve written to him. Obviously, getting romantically involved in that situation is not only awkward, it’s illegal.
• Now if you’re a 16 year old who’s fallen for an 11 year old, the BSG wouldn’t worry about it too much…your (or his) parents might find it creepy but at least there’s no crime being committed.

More than likely this is a crush that will pass, CR. The BSG recommends giving it 3 months for the crush to pass so you can move on with your life.  ~BSG~