How Do I Trust Him?
Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m not sure if you ever get questions from gay men, but hey…we’re people, too! LOL
I will keep my question short. How do I trust someone that I have become boyfriends with recently? We were f**k buddies since April, started spending more time and became more friends with benefits…and then, as recent as early December, we agreed on becoming boyfriends. Funny…we went from FB, to FWB, to BF!! LOL
Anyway…he, at first, wanted to have an open relationship, but I insisted on monogamy. I told him that even though I know that our relationship may open up in the long run, there has to be built-in trust, safety and comfort in being together. We need more time to get to know each other and I cannot do that if I know that he’s f**king around. He agreed with me after our long talk and told me that he wants to be monogamous with me. He was actually shaking and teary eyed, so I believe him when he told me that he was afraid when I said “it aint’ gonna work out!”
Now…of course, I cannot get it out of my mind if he’s being sincere or not. We don’t live together. I keep thinking that maybe he’s still in contact with his blow buddy. My friends say to just let go of my fear and give him a chance unless I know something for sure.
How do you deal with trust issue? Perhaps by the time you answer this…we would have passed the 1 month mark! ~Trusting But Realistic~
Dear TBR: The Bitter Single Guy is glad you wrote to him…of course the BSG loves his gay readers, just as he loves his lesbian, bisexual, trans and questioning readers! There’s room for everyone here in Bitter Relationship Land.
You may not realize, but many of the BSG’s readers do as they read your letter…your issue is not terribly uncommon. People often believe that sex without strings will be great fun, but it’s the BSG’s belief that it’s also pretty unrealistic. Often when there’s sex, other emotions follow. Good for you for capitalizing on that and finding a boyfriend out of a casual sex partner!
Short answer TBR, your friends are right. The only way to trust him is to trust him. Yes, he’ll have a hard time breaking old habits in order to be in a committed relationship (just as you will), and yes if you can’t watch him he will have chances to stray, but that’s the case in all relationships. Just as you had the right to say that monogamy was a requirement for you, he had the right to say that (what’s the opposite of monogamy? Polygamy? Polyamory?) screwing around with other folks was a requirement for him, but he didn’t. He’s committed, as you are, to only having sex together.
But there’s nothing you can do to prevent him from screwing up (so to speak) and nothing you can do to know that he did (outside of the normal stuff). Trust him and pay attention for these first few months while your relationship is new. If anything seems awry, talk to him about it. If not, the BSG wishes you many happy monogamous years together. ~BSG~
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