In Love with my Best Friend
Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been friends with this girl for a while now, and I have developed feelings for her. I never wanted to act on it in fear of losing her. We talk all the time, and she recently started dating someone. She had never told me anything about her being in a relationship until I confronted her. She then told me and I have met him, and don’t think he is right for her. I never told her that. She is now acting very strange with me. I know in my head what I want to make of it, but I don’t know what’s real. And I don’t see why she didn’t tell me something was going on when we talk on a regular basis and about anything. I don’t know how I should proceed with this. I know now that she is seeing someone I can’t tell her how I really feel. Should I just work on getting over it, or should I wait and see how things go with her and this guy? ~Biding My Time~
Dear BMT: If the Bitter Single Guy were a gambling man (and he is), he would guess that your Dulcet Dandelion is completely aware of your feelings for her even though you haven’t told her about them. Heck, once you indicated that you “confronted her” about whether she was dating someone, the BSG was pretty sure that Dulcet Dandelion knew about your affection. In most friendships, confrontation isn’t necessary when asking about dating.
So the answer to your question about why she would start dating someone without telling her good friend (you), is that she knew you have feelings for her and she was either:
- Forgetful
- Trying to preserve your feelings
- Not wanting to inspire you to express your feelings because she doesn’t share them.
The BSG suspects choice #3 because if she did have feelings for you and wanted you to know it, you would probably already know it (there are very few people able to conceal their affection for someone that they spend regular time with).
The answer to your second question: whether you should work on getting over it, or wait and see how things go with this guy, the BSG thinks you should get over it. At a minimum, if you’re her friend, she probably expects you to respect her choice of boyfriend even if you don’t think he’s right for her (the BSG wonders if you would find any guy right for her except you).
Short version is that you’re into Dulcet Dandelion and she’s not into you. At a minimum you should tell her how you feel because the BSG guarantees that nothing will happen (good or bad) otherwise. But expect when you tell her to hear that she doesn’t have those feelings for you, but that your friendship is important to her. At that point you’ll have to (as the BSG says above) get over it. ~BSG~
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Says:
August 2nd, 2010 at 9:45 pm
BMT,
I like the BSG’s suggestion of telling her how you feel, and I agree that she probably doesn’t like you back. My advice would be slightly different than his though.
I think you should be prepared to throw the dice and risk losing the friendship for the possibility of gaining a relationship. Let her know that you care about her, but that you can’t stop your feelings from being romantic. You would really love to date her, and if she is ever into that, then she knows where to find you. Also mention the part about her new boyfriend not being right for her, and that you think you are a much better choice. But just being friends is too hard on you (if that’s not the case, then don’t follow this advice).
This approach of course has the major downside that the friendship might come to an abrupt end. You should keep in mind that if her new relationship with this other guy goes too well, you are never going to be THAT close to her anyway. On the other hand, if she had been waiting for you to make a move all this time, you give her a chance to dump her current boyfriend and run into your arms. She might also find you more attractive this way because (a) she can no longer cast in the friend roll and (b) you will have done something that requires a little bit of courage. So in the event that her new relationship doesn’t work, you’ve improved your odds of success.
If you remain her best friend while she dates the guy, I think it is very unlikely that you will end up dating her at any point in the future. Even if the relationship is short lived, she just won’t think of you that way because you were the guy she always came running to for love advice. You’re like her brother, not her boyfriend. Finally, I advocate this approach because you won’t have to put yourself in a situation day in and day out where you have to actually see the girl you have such strong feelings for dating somebody else. That’s just torturing yourself.