Infidelity Enabler
Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have written to you before about whether or not the man I long to be with has feelings of love or feelings of lust for me.
Recently it has become much more apparent that his feelings run much deeper than lust. No matter what, this man is there for me when I need him. And when I say ‘no matter what’, I mean that he sneaks out on his live-in girlfriend to be with me, whether it’s to comfort me, offer much needed advice or to make sure I am safe.
I love him. I love everything about him, even his flaws. I love the things he hates about himself. We have discussed why he is staying with his girlfriend and it all comes down to financial issues. I know I am a bad bad person for seeing him behind his girlfriends back. But I don’t care. My former husband had numerous affairs, and he finally fell in love with one of them and left me for her. So I do know how it feels to be on the other end of it and that still doesn’t keep me from him.
Is my willingness to sneak around with him actually enabling him to stay in his relationship with the gf? We don’t get to see each other as much as we would both like to, and he is risking getting caught every time. I’m hoping seeing him will encourage him to find a solution to his problematic living situation. (I say problematic, not just for me and what I want but for him as well. He says he is not in love with her and at most times, doesn’t even like her) But I fear I am actually enabling him to stay. ~The Other Woman~
Dear TOW: The Bitter Single Guy wants to gently hold your hand while he puts his arms around your shoulder in a brotherly sort of way. The BSG wants to comfort you in this way because it’s apparent from your letter that there is nothing he can say that will get you off this destructive path and the BSG fears that heartbreak awaits you.
Because he can’t help himself, the BSG will offer some brief advice. You ask whether you are enabling Cheating Charlie? Yes, you are. If you weren’t willing to support his sneaking around habit he would be forced to actually do something honorable about his unhappy relationship. You’re not demanding that he give you the same consideration that he gives this woman who he apparently doesn’t even like; why in the world would he change?
The BSG will also repeat the sage words that were shared with him when he was in exactly your situation many mango seasons ago: If they’ll do it with you, they’ll do it to you. Referring of course to Cheating Charlie’s propensity to cheat on a committed relationship. Someday you may be the one he’s cheating on.
All that aside, the BSG’s aforementioned foray into the land of The Other Man taught him many things. Among the lessons for the BSG was that no amount of intellectualizing could get him off the destructive path of The Other Man. The whole thing just had to play itself out and eventually it did. No, it didn’t end well for anyone. Yours won’t either, but the BSG knows better than to criticize you for something he himself was powerless to prevent.
So there it is. You came to the BSG asking if you were enabling, knowing that you probably were. You’re right; you’re enabling him. Just be sure that you’re not punishing the universe for the time when your ex was cheating on you by now enabling this cheater. Be sure also that you’re prepared for when it crumbles and falls apart. Write back to the BSG then, he’ll still want to take your hand and put his arm around your shoulder in comfort. ~BSG~
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Says:
June 14th, 2009 at 12:04 am
“If you weren’t willing to support his sneaking around habit he would be forced to actually do something honorable about his unhappy relationship.”
THANK YOU!!! So right on this. Wish girls would actually take this advice!
Says:
June 14th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
The BSG heard back from TOW, so is sharing her…ummm…sharing.
BSG: Thank you. I do appreciate your advice. As I read your column, I see myself in simular situations as some of your other readers/inquirerers. I never imagined that I would have a situation in common with the advisor.
Im not delusional in believing that my relationship with this man is going to end in a fairtale romance. And my heart is broken everyday that he stays with his girlfriend. But not all affairs end with everyone losing. My ex-husband and his wife are perfectly happy, new baby and all. (Im not at all bothered by this, I like her, more than I like him. She is a wonderful step-mother to my kids. We get along very well).
Also, since being married and divorced. I have been hit on, approached and propositioned by more married men than single men. And I truely believe that most men cheat. It is biologically engrained into their genetic make up. We as humans are animals. In the wild the male species’ soul purpose is to spread his seed to as many females as possible. Except for some bird species that supposedly mate for life.
There are so few rare ‘birds’ out there that stay monogomous in a relationship. It takes an exceptional man to not cheat. I have been cheated on before, I expect to be cheated on again. I assume that whom ever I end up with, will cheat at somepoint in our relationship.
Thank you again. I keep reading, these letters help me to learn more about myself. And I am preparing myself for telling him “no” the next time he wants to see me. Ive realized (with your help) that my behavior is counter-productive to what I want to have. I also deserve better from him (or than him?).
Good for you TOW! The BSG believes that you deserve better from him, or in the absence of that, better than him. Similarly, the BSG believes that Cheating Charlie deserves better than the life he’s making for himself, too. EVERYone deserves better today! (the BSG is feeling magnanimous).
~BSG~
Says:
June 16th, 2009 at 8:09 am
It is interesting to see how women and men justify male behaviour as being something that nature intended.
Yes, we are indeed animals- however the primary difference between us and other animals is that we have evolved- we moved out of caves, dressed ourselves, invented everything to make our lives better– other species of animals are pretty much exactly like they were eons ago. The ability to think and take control of our lives makes us different, and therefore, our relationships should be different.
Being in a relationship with a single person is just harder, not impossible or a biological limitation. How many people like to deal with something that is hard?
I understand that men (or women) might cheat. But please do not accept it as an inevitability in life. It is inexcusable behavior.
Says:
June 28th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Ugh, I always want to shake people that allow themselves to be second fiddle. You should have enough repsect for yourself to want someone who will want you 100% not just the leftovers of what the other girl doesn’t want. If he hasn’t left his girlfriend for you, then you are probably not as special to him as she is. If he liked you so much, he would be with you. I do believe the heart can be divided at times but the fact that he is living with her and still with her speaks volume.
Says:
June 29th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
“I do believe the heart can be divided at times but the fact that he is living with her and still with her speaks volume.”
Have some self-respect and leave him. He’s just not that into you.