Is Email Really Cheating?
Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’ve been married over 20 years and just found out my husband has been posting personal ads on Craig’s List under the casual encounters. He requested to meet for “breakfast and maybe more”.
I have been a stay at home mom for over 15 years. I’ve given up my career and unfortunately find myself financially dependent on him. With this, I’ve lost a lot of self esteem, but not myself respect and marital morals.
I also feel that this may have been going on in the past, should I turn a blind eye or a stiff boot? If he doesn’t take it to the level of actually meeting this other woman, do you think he is looking to stray or looking more as some fantasy talk on the internet. I can’t keep pretending that nothing is going on. ~On The Right Track~
Dear OTRT: Short answer is that the BSG doesn’t think that Email is cheating any more than planning a bank robbery is a crime, but it seems a pretty easy step from the plan to the act, so the Bitter Single Guy thinks that ignoring this behavior would be an enormous mistake. Clearly your Deceptive Darling isn’t getting everything he wants out of his relationship, so he’s shopping around to get those things elsewhere. As the up-to-now sole provider of his relationship needs, you have a right to see what the heck is going on.
The BSG recommends a frank conversation. There’s no easy way to beat around the bush with this. Tell him what you found and what it means to him. You ask the BSG whether you should turn a blind eye or a stiff boot and the BSG wonders if there is another choice. Many couples are able to recover from an issue like this one, but only through tons of communication and work. One could argue that choosing not to address the issue at all is one way to get through it, but the BSG is never a fan of denial.
Have the conversation. You have a right to reclaim your self-esteem by asking Deceptive Darling what the heck is going on. Good luck OTRT. ~BSG~
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Says:
July 24th, 2009 at 12:26 am
I had a similar experience with my ex-wife before the divorce. (The divorce resulted after ‘real’ cheating)
As that would imply, I agree with the BSG that while it’s not “cheating” it is only a very short way down a very slippery slope to get there.
When I confronted my ex, which I still believe was the right thing for me to do, she freaked out and tried to make it about how I had invaded her privacy. Don’t let yourself get sidetracked by that.
The bigger issue to me, is the fact that you found out at all.
What that says to me is that one of 3 things happened.
A. You had reason to suspect an issue and went looking.
B. You were poking around in the personals on craig’s list yourself.
or C. Your hubby was being so obvious about it that you were bound to stumble across it, and probably wanted you to see it.
All 3 of those suggest some serious, and deep running problems whether he ever really cheated or not, and if you don’t deal with that directly, and quickly, you’ll end up divorced like me.
Confront him about the personal ad, but figure out the underlying issue, and deal with it while there’s still a marriage to save.