Dear Bitter Single Guy: My boyfriend has a program to help him get a house and was planning on getting a house on his own when we started dating 2 1/2 years ago. But after we decided that we should get one together he hasn’t said or done anything to show that he’s wanted to do this, such as talk about houses or look at them even on his own online or talk about wanting to. His program is up in about 5 months and when I asked him 7 months ago if he had seen any houses lately, he said he wasn’t sure if he was going to use the program to get a house or when he wanted to get one, saying whatever happens happens.
I told him I’m not comfortable with what he said and that I’m concerned that he doesn’t have a budget and that someday he will need one. He said: what for? I pay my car insurance and I pay my cell phone bill and I am putting money away and making plans on top of what I’m doing for my house program.
I also asked him if he would sell the 3rd car he has and he said that if he needed the money for something he would sell it. I also said that I feel like he feels so uncomfortable talking about the future and when I asked if he was looking at houses I was being curious and I wasn’t trying to be pushy but he wasn’t talking about them or looking at them instead he’s looking at cars for sale in the paper even though he doesn’t plan to or have money to buy one.
He explained that he has been making plans and was planning on asking me to marry him that he wants to marry me and he wanted to surprise me and didn’t want me to know and that he felt like it wasn’t right if we looked at houses or talked about getting a house together until he had put a ring on my finger. ~Wondering Where I Stand~
Dear WWIS: The Bitter Single Guy can see how, once the decision was made to cohabitate, you began your campaign for fiscal responsibility. However, the BSG will tell you what’s going on here. It’s likely that your beau, when faced with the prospect of buying a house and also faced with the reality of a girlfriend he really liked, tossed out the idea of shared housing without really thinking it through.
The BSG, even though he hasn’t agreed to share a house with you, was finding himself all freaked out by the barrage of questions about looking for houses, budgeting, or buying cars. So the BSG is pretty sure that beau-friend got similarly freaked out at your need to be involved in a series of life decisions (about bills and cars and houses) that he just hadn’t prepared himself to share yet.
The BSG swears that he’s going to create an online class called “So You’ve Decided To Live Together” that will highlight all these issues and more (tuna salad: mayonnaise or Miracle Whip? Discuss.) because these day to day issues are the ones that kill relationships.
Here’s the plan WWIS: Tell your beau-friend that you’re totally jazzed about the marriage idea and that you definitely jumped with both feet into this idea of buying a house together and that it had all these ripples into cars and budgets and other things that were not nearly as interesting sounding as wedding rings.
Please also tell your beau-friend that you can appreciate (or at least that the BSG can appreciate) his need to formalize your relationship before entering into a financial arrangement…that’s actually quite responsible of him and should be recognized as such.
After those potentially contentious and undoubtedly scary conversations, the BSG wants you to chill. That’s right, just chill out and let him know that you’d like to continue the conversation about all this so you can better understand what HE wants rather than telling him how it should be. ~BSG~