Juggling Five at Once (Poorly)
Dear Bitter Single Guy: I recently found myself caught not in a love triangle but something far worse. I met “Matt” online and we hit it off, now he wants to take things seriously (wants me to move from the US to England with him). While my best friend “Jay” wants to marry me, and we are currently engaged.
After quite some time I realized that Jay isn’t the “one”. Then the plot thickens.*Dun dun dun…* Before Christmas I met “Mark” who is really great but sometimes I feel like he’s not completely honest with me. Then finally my newest problem, “Kaz”, who I’m not quite sure of yet but we both want to date each other, and despite my better judgment have really fallen for. I have another good friend who wants the same but I don’t share his feelings at all. Help, I’m know I’m definitely in way over my head, and it sounds like I’m a teenager again, I should know better, but alas, I’m here. ~Teenager All Over Again~
Dear TAOA: Really? Get thee to a nunnery TAOA. (The BSG and The Bard are like, tight) Are you kidding the Bitter Single Guy with this crap? In summary then:
1. Matt is in the UK and wants you to move and marry him.
2. You’re currently engaged to Jay, but he’s not the “one”.
3. You’re dating Mark, who may not be completely honest. (have you been completely honest about Mark’s competition?)
4. You have met Kaz and want to date him.
5. You have another good friend who also apparently wants a piece of you, but you don’t have the same feelings for him.
TAOA, the BSG has to ask what the heck is happening here. Let’s all imagine for a moment that the BSG writes a column about home improvement projects. You TAOA, in this fantasy, would be the compulsive home-project-guy writing in to say that he’s started five different projects and now doesn’t understand why he lives in a construction zone.
OK TAOA, the BSG hereby declares you unfit to manage your own romantic life and he requires you to do the following:
1. Matt in the UK: call him (emailing is tacky, even for exclusively online relationships. If you’ve never actually spoken live and he’s asking you to come to the UK to live with him, the BSG doesn’t even have time to rant about that.) and tell him that you think he’s a great guy, but that you’re already engaged (no need to mention the other men you’re juggling unless he pushes) and so are breaking it off with him. Then break if off with him.
2. Your fiancé Jay: Break up with him. The BSG already realizes that you tend toward wishy-washiness and he believes this will result in you sitting at your kitchen table after ten miserable years (for you and Jay both), telling your best friend (as Lucy would tell Ethel at the kitchen table) that you never believed Jay was the “one”. Don’t wait to be miserable; you and Jay are done.
3. Not-Completely-Honest-Mark: Be completely honest with him. You’re engaged, you’re seeing several other people, tell him everything. Not-Completely-Honest-Mark, if he’s like many not-completely-honest people, will freak out at the idea of your dishonesty and will flee. He’s the lucky one so far.
4. New Guy Kaz: You’re not going to date Kaz. The BSG doesn’t care how much you both want to date. Don’t you SEE the construction site you live in because of all these other projects?
5. Your good friend who has feelings for you: Geez TAOA don’t make the BSG come over there. Tell him you’re happy to have him as a friend, but that you’re not interested. Then be sure you’re not sending him mixed signals because the BSG doesn’t think you can be trusted not to entice men into dating you.
TAOA the BSG has great compassion for you and is pleased that you (finally) recognized that things had gotten a little out of control, but he also believes that sometimes firm boundaries have to be set. SET them. The BSG thinks that the best thing that can happen to you for awhile is to be completely unencumbered by relationships so you can learn how this got so out of hand.
The BSG is also concerned for the karmic debt you’re incurring by keeping all these men on the leash. If this were a home improvement advice column, the BSG would have you give away all your tools and learn to live happily in your home as it is before you picked up a hammer again and started breaking things.
~BSG~
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Says:
March 30th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
TAOA, not to be judgemental (ok perhaps a bit), but you happen to be the serial dater that helped give this gal bitterness… and a eyebrow that is now sore from being arched while reading your escapades.
Are you sexually involved with all of these people! Yikes. I hope protection is used.
Now. BSG said most of it… but one thing I have learned is that your own dishonesty can very definitely lead you to believe the same of your…err…loved ones. You “cheating” on your “men” (shall we say Mark in this instance) leaves you to believe that he must be doing the same thing, whether or not this is true.
Break up with all of these POOR POOR men.
I suspect you have very sever self esteem issues. Yes I am sure many women will now paruse this and say… what?! self esteem?! she’s getting courted from all sides here, she must be an egomaniac! Well egomaniac or poor self esteem fall into the same category for this gal. I highly suggest going off on your own. NO partners… not even for a bit of a romp…. and learn what it is you are so afraid of. (Why are you afraid of being alone TAOA).
And to be quite judgementally honest – I dont even think Teenagers act as irresonsibily as you are when it comes to others. Have you thought at all about how hurtful you are being to these men? Even when I was a teen I was aware of others feelings… it’s called compassion…. which you seem to lack.
Please, for the love that is healthy relationships…do NOT seek another one out until you dig deep and uncover some very severe issues that are bubbling beneath your skin.
Says:
March 30th, 2009 at 9:50 pm
Wow, TAOA. I almost think your question to the BSG is fake because it’s so unbelievably awful that it could (or should) only come out of a terrible romance novel. But if your story is true TAOA, for Pete’s sake take the BSG’s advice and get CLEAN with these guys before you get struck by an angry thunderbolt. I mean seriously, how did your situation get so out of hand?
After you resolve all these crazy relationships, stick with DATING. Dating means no engagements or promises to live with another person in a different country-its just casual hanging out with potential partners and making no promises to be their one-and-only. From there chose the person you want to be with among the myriad of men that seem to flock at your feet. If you can’t decide, communicate with your dating party that you are seeing other people at the same time (if they’re not cool with that, then that’s another man spared!).
SHEESH!
P.S. Great advice, BSG. I think the analogy to a construction site is PERFECT.