Just When You Think It Can’t Get Worse
Dear Bitter Single Guy: I am not sure where to begin really. I met this wonderful woman about 5 months ago. She was funny, happy and easy-going, not to mention very sexual. Then suddenly her ex, who she broke up with a couple months before meeting me, died tragically in a car accident, 2 months ago. This being the first time she has had to deal with such a personal loss and I have dealt with it a couple times in my life. I have been nothing but supportive and willing to do anything in order to help her through it. Then suddenly a couple weeks ago, my sister decided to up and move, leaving me her condo, which just so happens to be in the same district etc, that my GF’s 9 year old son’s school is in (she moved out of her exs place, late spring early summer and had been looking to move before school started). So in order to help her out, I offered her to move in with me. So now of course I am freaking about that, as I told myself I would never do that again with a GF I knew under a year. But ever since her ex’s death, needless to say, she has changed. She has been extremely stressed, over worked, very negative and depressed, distant and no longer any fun in or out of the bedroom. She even lately has begun to express how I am not doing enough to “change” my life (something I can’t stand, women doing, wanting/forcing you to “change or improve”).
I do care for her, I do love her. However, I feel as though that “spark” is gone. I don’t want to hurt her anymore than she is already hurting. Nor do I want to force her out on the street with her son. So here are my options as I see them, tell me what you think about this mess. 1) I could try to “stick it” out and hope that everything gets better. Which I would love to say would happen, but something tells me, with all the baggage (both mine and hers), it would only end at some point anyway. Is that wrong/selfish?
2) Tell her that our “love” relationship is dead, that hopefully we could coexist for a year as friends/roomates. Is that even possible?
3) Tell her it is completely over, let her live in my sister’s condo, while I live someplace else. Or let her go if she wants (Like I said I don’t want to make life any harder for her).
– Confused in VT
Dear CIVT: Gracious! The Bitter Single Guy often says that relationship trouble is never easy, but your love life has more twists than a closeted Republican! (The BSG cracks himself up.) CIVT, there are no easy answers here, but you, the BSG (and the BSG hopes your girlfriend) know that there is very little you can do that will help your Delicate Damsel’s reaction to her tragically deceased ex.
The BSG thinks that your offer of co-habitation was probably a mistake and despite the Hallmark Channel examples of couples that emerge brilliant and butterfly-like from situations like yours, the BSG thinks it’s more likely that your fragile relationship will shatter under the pressure of new cohabitation and Delicate Damsel’s recovery from her depression.
The BSG’s advice is to let Delicate Damsel live in your sister’s condo (letting her live rent-free will create a pattern of dependency that may not be good in the long run, but collecting rent from someone you’re in a romantic relationship has its own built in drama, so the BSG will let you decide how to handle that part), while you live elsewhere. Then you can continue to provide your current level of loving support while not also trying to muck around in shared bathrooms and such.
If, as seems likely, things don’t work out, you’ll have to have the difficult conversation about rent and/or Delicate Damsel and her child moving out of your sister’s condo. In subtle preparation for that situation, the BSG recommends clear conversations about boundaries and also recommends continuing to care for Delicate Damsel’s precarious emotional state.
CIVT, you’ll have to be QUITE artful in maneuvering all these part, but the BSG has faith in you. Good luck.
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