Lost in Translation
Dear Bitter Single Guy: Throughout my life I’ve always been the big brother or the best friend to most girls. Recently, a few people said they like me. But then said they “have a thing with someone else” or “were just too good of friends”. I haven’t been in a relationship for awhile. I was wondering if you could tell me how to move past being the best friend or the second option? ~More Than Friends~
Dear MTF: The Bitter Single Guy feels your pain, brother. The BSG himself spent time with way more friends and way fewer girlfriends than he wanted. The BSG’s personal journey through that hellish time is a conversation for a different day (and a cocktail), but he does have some pointers for you.
The BSG guesses that these girls that you’re friends with find you “safe” and that they can “tell you anything”, right MTF? The message embedded in these faux compliments are that they look for safety and open communication in their girl friends and “big-brothery” guy-friends. What they look for in guys they date is some mystery, some edginess, (frankly) some frustration. There are probably girls reading right now thinking “No, BSG…I’m ALL about the safe, quiet men for romance and sweaty times.”
Yeah, right. The BSG isn’t fooled by your unwillingness to admit your own desires, ladies. MTF, girls (and guys as well for that matter) like a little challenge in their dating life. The BSG recommends you adding some edginess, some mystery or just some aloof-ness. The BSG doesn’t know if your high school is/was anything like his, but the guys who ignored all the girls invariably got the most attention from them. Dating is a cruel world out there, MTF.
If you’re anything like the BSG was, you probably don’t know what edginess or aloof-ness looks like, so the BSG will be a little more literal. Try making brief eye contact with a girl you’re attracted to. Hold the eye contact just a tiny bit longer than is comfortable, then look slowly away. That’s it. Don’t look again for the rest of that day and maybe for a couple of days. Then, look again…hold it…hold it…and break away slowly. The BSG promises you’ll get her attention and if you manage to avoid coming off like a stalker she’ll be intrigued. That’s what you want.
Practice that and let the BSG know how it’s going, and he’ll provide more ideas.
~BSG~
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Says:
April 9th, 2009 at 6:06 pm
When I was in high school, I was very close friends with a young lady, and I was just crazily in love with her. I must have tried to get her to go out with me a hundred times.
It was the same story, “too good of friends” etc. I was stuck in “the friend zone” as it was put in one movie.
After years of being really great friends, and always carrying a torch for her, we eventually got married.
And by “got married” I mean that we each, separately, got married to completely other people. Her husband is a great guy, except his taste in movies sucks. My ex-wife lives in another city now. (thankfully)
What I finally found to be the solution for me, was to set the tone of a relationship as a “dating” relationship from the start. When a person get’s it in their head that a relationship is one type or another, it is VERY hard see that relationship as anything else.
That’s why once you’re a friend you stay a friend, and nobody is friends with their ex-wife. (Well, not many people anyway)
How’s this for an alternative? – Sit down with one of the women you’ve gotten stuck in the friend zone with, and tell them, “Look, I realize that we have this friendship thing going on, and that’s great, but I’d really like to be dating someone like you. I don’t want to ruin things or make things weird either, but maybe since you’re pretty close to what I’m looking for, you could help me meet somebody.”
Women make the world’s best wing-men.