Love from 40 Years Ago
Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have located a woman whom I was and am in love with from 40 years ago. We were both young then. She says now that it was only a crush on an older guy who paid attention to her. I was in love with her but afraid of her father who was a police officer. I was 22 at the time and she was 17. I have always remained in love with her. She says that I came into and out of her life so quickly she never had a chance to build any relationship. She said I just disappeared which I did. Now it 40 years later she is a widow with grown children. I come suddenly into her life professing my love. She says she was flattered back then that an older guy was attracted to her now she can only offer her friendship. I love this woman as much today as I did then maybe even more. I think I have hounded her with emails, songs and such that maybe I am pushing her even further away. Is it possible you think that anything could ever be between us? I am 62 years old and I do not know what to do or to turn to for advice. Most would consider me just a crazy old man I suppose. ~Rekindling the Flame~
Dear RTF: The Bitter Single Guy doesn’t think you’re a crazy old man. Rather he applauds you for deciding what you want and going for it. So many of us let things go and wonder what might have been, but not you! Nice work RTF.
But the BSG also doesn’t think you’re in love with this Lost Lily, if you ever were. The BSG thinks that 40 years ago, a normal girl came into your life and you, for the past 40 years, have pinned all your might-have-beens to your memory of this girl. The BSG is guessing that you’ve had other relationships in your life that haven’t turned out as magically as you imagined the one with Lost Lily would and all the while you figured that your life would have been better with her. The BSG knows this is a hard thing to hear (read), but he knows you come to him for the hard truths.
RTF, good for you for deciding what you wanted and going for it, but it’s time to face the truth. You are in love with a memory, which is not a bad thing to be in love with, but it’s not up to Lost Lily to populate your memory with reality. The BSG wants to remind you that you don’t even know this woman. The day to day of love has a world of tiny annoyances, victories and defeats that you’ve missed completely because Lost Lily has been a static memory in your head. Heck, you have been able to let her “age” any way that you wanted her to! So it’s no wonder you remained in love with her.
Stop stalking Lost Lily with emails and songs and such. Add her to your Christmas card list so she knows how to find you if she wants to. If she ends up thinking back to the crush she had on you 40 years ago, let her contact you. But you and the BSG both know that you need to move on. ~BSG~
October 13th, 2009 at 10:57 am
Guess Thanks is in order.The bitter truth hurts like heck.It has been six months since we met again and even though we shared friendly emails at first guess I got carried away.You are correct she has aged anyway I wanted.I emailed her an apology but told her it would be impossible for me to be her friend given how I feel and that I would bother her no longer. Hope that was the correct thing to do.Still deep in my heart I know I love her memory and her as well.The thought of her makes me smile and cry at the same time.Maybe someday she will contact me.Who knows.
Thanks again,
October 14th, 2009 at 7:31 am
RTF, it’s totally OK to love a memory…just not OK to make a flesh-and-blood person accountable for it. Keep looking for someone who will replace the memory (the BSG is listening to Dan Fogelberg while he writes this, so is feeling sappy).
~BSG~
October 14th, 2009 at 8:23 am
BSG, What did you mean-make a flesh-and-blood person accountable for it.To be honest I have no desire to find someone to replace the memory.That is possibly a passing mental thing.At 62 I am some what embarrassed by this whole scenario,but I am so grateful for the conversation and advice.After reading your post yesterday I felt as if I really could accept friendship only ,so I sent her a few funny emails and told her life was to short for me not to be her friend.Was that a mistake.Dan Fogleberg-that is some good music.
October 14th, 2009 at 8:29 am
Your site beats the heck out of all the hype from just money grubbers.I wish there was someway to repay your kindness with other than a Heartfelt Thanks.
RTF
October 14th, 2009 at 10:06 am
RTF, the BSG does think that you should take a break from communication with this woman. She’s still in “RTF The Stalker” mode, so if you fade into the background a little she’ll likely appreciate it. Plus you won’t be fooling yourself by saying that you’re over her while you’re still sending funny emails. By the way RTF, doing all this at 62 just means you’re still in the game. Don’t sell yourself short.
What the BSG means by the flesh-and-blood thang is simply that a memory is not a person. Keep them in their respective places…treasure memories, but know that the value of real people is their ability to surprise you.
Yes, Dan Fogelberg. Right now, Melissa Manchester. It’s a 70’s kind of day.
RTF, the BSG is glad you like the site…pretty soon you’ll be able to appreciate the BSG by downloading his ebook. It will be mildly money-grubbing perhaps, but will have invaluable for this holiday season.
October 14th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
You are an alright kinda guy.My son’s are probably older than you.Thanks a million.Maybe you can use me as a guinea pig to experiment with your new course as a tax deduction.Thanks again.
October 15th, 2009 at 7:44 am
OH yeah I will follow your advice and not send any emails to her of any kind.Waiting gonna be hard.
October 18th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
It is amazing to me how common your story is. Perhaps it is the desire to feel that wonderful feeling of being young and in love again. Oh if only we could go back and do it all over again…. I personally was contacted by a guy whom I had a little fling with many years ago. What I’ve found is that, aside from working in the same field, we have nothing in common. Trying to rekindle a fleeting desire has turned into a disaster. He came into my life at a time when I needed to get out of a bad relationship–he sees himself as my rescuer. He overwhelmed me with presents and flowers and much, much, more–now I am feeling terrible because he’s not right for me. You are doing the right thing by backing off. Sometimes the saying that “less is more” really makes sense. Look at your life and find someone who is “real” not a memory.
October 19th, 2009 at 8:24 am
The fact that RTF pursues a widow of age, doesn’t just mean he’s only chasing after a lovely memory, athough it is necessarily a part of it. It’s quixotic but he has nothing to lose now. And he’s not really after some macho achievement of adding girls in his life. Man, they’re old! It never hurts trying to realize the “what-ifs” of a romantic relationship. However, he musn’t scare his long lost love away. I agree with BSG to send “Lost Lily” a post-mail instead of e-mails and phone calls so that his sincerity–”the old-fashioned way” will be warmly received. The memory is what keeps the passion alive, and age doesn’t have to stop somebody from loving.
October 21st, 2009 at 9:55 am
Kaya Camilla,
I think I have scared her away already.I have not heard a peep from her.I read somewhere here lately that backing off would be the best .No further contact should be made by me.The lady that wote me the note also said she realized my wait be be long and maybe forever but for me to let my love contact me.If it is to be it will be and she would contact me.The wait would be hard but that is what I should do.Kaya do you agree.
October 21st, 2009 at 9:59 am
Kaya,I would love to send a simple card but I have no way to get her home address .She only uses a cell phone.
October 21st, 2009 at 10:01 am
BSG,
Sure am glad I found yor site.Thanks a million.
October 21st, 2009 at 10:13 am
BSG,
Fogelberg”s “”How do we make Love Stay”" Guess sometimes it is good it doesn’t.You would not be BSG and there would be no website.Huh?
October 23rd, 2009 at 7:32 am
BSG,
I made a mistake this morning.I had avery nice dream about my lady last night.This morning I sent just a simple Good Morning and I got a reply saying “”I hope you are doing well”".What does that mean?
October 27th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Sure would like a responce.
October 28th, 2009 at 3:57 am
RTF: She’s polite with you. That’s it.
October 31st, 2009 at 10:26 am
Hilde,
Thank you for ypur responce.What should I do ? Just be quiet and see what happens in the future?
November 1st, 2009 at 5:24 am
Yes! That is exactly what you should do. And while you are waiting for her to contact you again, get involved. Get involved with anything, everything, go play golf, join a bowling league, book club, art class, go out with other women! The busier you are the quick time will pass…
November 4th, 2009 at 10:48 am
Thank you Shelly.I am trying to stay busy,but I think of her all the time.I am so afraid and feel so stupid because I am to old to be this wrapped up in the past.Just can’t imagine living without her in my life when I have waited so many many years with the hope I could find her.Such a fool!Such a dreamer!Every night I walk , stare at one particular star and speak to her as if she could hear me.Even find myself asking God to help me.I think sometimes I am cracking up.It seems impossible that a man could be so deeply in love with a woman and be so lost at the same time.
January 29th, 2010 at 8:27 am
Has anyone or does anyone have any further advice.I have had no messages from anyone including Losy Lily for sometime.