Seeking Perfection
Dear Bitter Single Guy: I had been seeing this girl for around four months, everything was going well, or so I thought. She came over one night with tears in her eyes, saying that we had to talk. I knew this was going to be swell.
I feel I must add that we are both each others first relationship, probably important. Anyway, she cited her reasons for the break-up being that I did not speak Italian, which is what she studied in college, and that we did not like the same music. I was literally speechless and to make matters worse she gave me the old let’s be friends and it’s not you it’s me crap. The one thing that hurt the most was that she told me she loved me a week before, if not for that I probably wouldn’t be going out of mind.
I talked to a few people and they all agreed that she was nuts, not that our music taste was even that different, I just didn’t like folk music and morose Leonard Cohen type stuff.
We bantered back and fourth for a while and she came over around two weeks later. It was a basic continuation of our last conversation, with some odd tidbits thrown in. She said that she was the kind of person that always got what she wanted and she knew she was selfish, but didn’t expect me to change. Then the weirdest thing of all. She basically told me what she wanted in a man 1.Must be Italian, check (even though I don’t speak it…so nix). 2.Must be from her home town, check. 3. Must have the same taste in music, nix. 4. Must be able to buy her whatever she desires, nix, I’m no millionaire.
Move forward a few weeks later and the old “oh she’s not here, i’ll get her to call you back,” routine, and saying some things via email I shouldn’t have said (although I was basically repeating things that she said herself), she calls me on a Saturday night and talk on the phone for two hours, the longest I’ve ever talked on the phone before, I was even able to make jokes about the relationship to break the ice and get a few laughs.
I have had a few opinions about this, a few people have said that it was her first relationship that she was scared, others said she was just nuts. What I’d like to know is what you think. As well as what should I do, if anything. ~Don’t Measure Up~
Dear DMU: The Bitter Single Guy applauds your willingness to hang in there dude. But mostly his reply is Really? Are you kidding the BSG with this crap? Short answer: get the hell out of this nightmare relationship. Don’t have conversations, don’t hash and re-hash the details: just get out.
If your Delicate Dandelion has the gumption to present you with the list of your failings as a potential mate, then tell you that she’s used to getting what she wants…the BSG recommends letting Delicate Dandelion get what she wants, which is to be alone for a very very long time.
By the way, she also says her acceptable mate has to be able to buy her whatever she wants? The BSG thinks that exchanging affection for material goods is actually prostitution. Feel free to share that with Delicate Dandelion on your way out.
~BSG~
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October 17th, 2008 at 10:11 am
I have heard this referred to before as being someone’s “emotional tampon”. She is using you so that she doesn’t feel alone until she finds the bigger better deal. As soon as she finds the person she will cause a fight making you break it completely off with her. Then if things don’t work out she can always come back because it wasn’t her that was the bad guy.
Eric
October 18th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Nice insight Eric.
~BSG~
October 18th, 2008 at 7:28 pm
She told you what she wants, you know you’re not quite it. Even if things “work out” and she decides you’re close enough, it won’t work because you’ll always be “close enough.”
The only other way it would work is if she grew up and changed what she wanted so you were a better match, but you can’t/shouldn’t/I pray you don’t wait around for that. That way doormatville lies.
Steve
January 27th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
What planet is this girl on? I’m reminded of the saying “unrealistic expectations = planned resentments”. Very few people would match her list of requirements, and those who do would expect HER to bring something to the table too. I hope she’s up to the challenge, because if not, she’ll be dumped for the very same reason she just gave you.
February 11th, 2009 at 8:36 am
The BSG often wishes that his readers’ (or their tacky mates’) inappropriate behavior backfires on them, so he agrees with Mrs. R in hopes that Delicate Dandelion will get a taste of her own medicine one day. Aaaaandd…the universe is in balance again. *sigh*
February 11th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
There are many people out there that always complain about not knowing why they got dumped. Since this is her first relationship she may felt obligated to give reasons why she is breaking up with him. She probably did not find any reasons besides she is not into him anymore and imagined the perfect man and list out all the differences between the two.
The old “it’s not you it’s me” thing and saying that she does not want him to change is her trying to make a clean break up without resentful feelings by the guy.
November 29th, 2009 at 10:14 pm
Sitting around bored, i figured i’d re-read this. Yes I am DMU. I figured I should add someting that has been on my mind….and i’m not making this up: her father and brother share the same first name as I do. Her next beau did as well. She flew off to Korea to be with him, all the while telling me that she desired me, but considered herself in a relationship with him, all the the while this “relationship” consisted of going over to his house a handful of times, this didn’t work out for her too. She called me to tell me about this, so the emotional tampon thing is sounding pretty good to me.
Skip to a few months later she gets a job as a teacher, now instead of getting a place to herself, she moves in with a middle-aged man who again shares the same name. Now i’m no Freud by any means but it strikes me as being a tad strange.
In terms of a first relationship it has soured me a great deal and I find it very difficult to even make eye contact with other women and am extremely nervous engaging them in conversation, afraid that the same thing will happen once again and lead to another year smothered by fear, booze and regret.
Am I still hung up on her? Yes. I bump into her sister at least once a week and it seems to re-open the wound everytime, but I guess thats life…