The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Getting A Date at 57

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Man, thanks for the great insights, you’ve helped clear up a lot of muck. Well, here is some of mine (others might have a similar problem): I’m a 57 year old man, haven’t dated in 15 years, haven’t had sex in 12 years, and the totality of my relation experience since the age of 21 barely exceeds 3 years (yeah, I figured it up – pretty sad).
I’m physically healthy and attractive, but I tend to be reserved (read shy) in manners and conversation. Outwardly at times I appear to be an extrovert, but then I become self conscious and clam up (passive/aggressive?). I’ve been more of the “dumpee” than the “dumper”, and neither sets very well with me. I tend not to be very assertive or demanding with the women I’ve dated, but it makes me feel I’m being like I’m being too aggressive, and then I become unsure of myself… oh hell, that’s pretty much the short of it. Would therapy really help, or am I hopelessly done? Thanks again. ~Pathetically Bitter Single Guy~

Dear PBSG: The BSG first wants you to know that there is ALWAYS hope, but that’s not to say that you should sit back and wait for something to come to you.
Short answer: yes. Therapy will help. Get someone qualified to help you unpack the reasons for your unsatisfactory (to you) relationship history.
Longer answer: If the BSG were prone to leaping to unsubstantiated conclusions based on mere fragments of information (in fact, he is QUITE prone to this) he would tell you that you’re over thinking the whole messy process. You’re coming out of a generation where many folks found and secured relationships early on and stuck with them. The BSG suspects that most women you meet are divorced and have some trepidation about the fact that you have limited relationship experience. Most folks expect a past committed relationship or two from folks your age. The BSG isn’t being critical, just letting you know that this is likely an expectation among your target population.

Talk with your new therapist about the kind of response you can give to a woman on a date that will not make you seem creepy. Seriously PBSG, don’t wait…call and make the appointment today. The BSG looks forward to getting an update ~BSG~

Evolve, Evolve, Evolve

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been dating a lovely man for the past 2 years.  We met in college- he was a year farther ahead in school than I was; he just graduated and moved 800 mi away to attend graduate school.  I have remained in my home state to finish my final year of school and graduate with my undergraduate.  We’ve been doing the long distance thing for our year apart.

My parents have never been too fond of him- though they don’t blatantly dislike him, they feel we are both too young to be as serious as we are.  With graduation coming soon in May, I must choose whether to stay close to home and find a job or move to his city and work there (as he is in a PhD program, he can’t move to where I am).  I understand that there is a huge risk involved in moving- thus, I do not intend to be financially dependent or living with my boyfried so that in the event that things did go downhill, I would not be putting my well-being at risk.

No matter what I do, I will step on someone’s toes.  I’m 20 years old, never had a true ‘fight to the death’ with my parents, and don’t want to risk losing a man I truly love.  I see three options:

1.) Continue to reside and work in my home state; family problems non-existent, puts relationship on hold

2.) Move to his state to reside and work; family problems ensue, solid relationship move (assuming things go well)/

3.) Move home and work for a company that has offices in both states, work for several months in home state and request a transfer to his state; still family drama (perhaps less), moving to be close to him, although it would certainly delay the process.

Have I overlooked something?  Or am I being foolish trying to please all parties involved. ~What’s The Next Move?~

Dear WNM: This is totally easy for the Bitter Single Guy and for you. Option 2 is the correct choice.

Your family will not like that you’re moving away. They need to get over it; baby birds grow up and leave nests…it’s the state of the species. Your relationship will likely not work out; he’s in a PhD program, you’ll be starting a new life, you’re both in a new city. These are tough obstacles to get over, but there are always tough obstacles to get over.

So with all these negatives, why is the BSG putting his big booted foot into your feathered ass to get you out? Because becoming an adult (a lifelong pursuit by the way) requires that you learn and grow and experience new things. Why wait? Do it WNM. You’ll totally thank the BSG. ~BSG~

Knowing When It’s Over

Check out the BSG’s newest podcast (BSGCast?).

9_12_11 BSG

Her Best Friend and Her Sister

Dear Bitter Single Guy: So, my sisters and I (we’re quads) have one best guy friend. My oldest sister has a crush on him and she has told him how she feels, but they’re not going to act on it or anything as we go to two different colleges in two different states.

But, since she has told him how she feels, he’s been distant from the rest of us. I don’t have a problem if my friend and my sister date, but I do have a problem if he doesn’t talk or hang out with me anymore. He barely ever replies to my skype/text messages because he’s always talking to her.

He doesn’t come around the house to hang out anymore, and anything important about him that I would like to know (like where he decides to go to college) he will tell only her, and she will “forget” to tell us until later.

I’m really fed up with this as I don’t feel like he’s really my friend anymore. And I’m really upset about this because he’s literally the only friend I have.

I have spoken to the both of them about this before, and it was ok for about a week, then it went back to him never talking to me or wanting to hang out. What should I do? ~Missing My Friend~

Dear MMF: The Bitter Single Guy checked his extensive archives and has confirmed that he’s never received a quadruplet-related question before! Of course the BSG is assuming your reference to “quads” is to quadruplets and not to quadriplegics because well…that would just be wrong. Wrong on so many levels. So rather than try to work through that mess, the BSG will just assume you mean 4 children from one birth. Please, if the BSG is wrong, write back. He’s not sure that his answer will be different, but the BSG strives for accuracy as much as possible.

OK MMF, the BSG isn’t going to have great news for you here. First of all, if you and your three sisters  have one best guy-friend that’s a pretty heavy load for poor Goober (the BSG isn’t sure why he’s chosen this name, but it seems to work). The BSG wants you to read up a little on the festive medieval practice of being drawn and quartered for a happy-fun visual.

Just like romantic relationships, friendships evolve. If it weren’t your older sister who proclaimed her attraction and claimed Goober’s attention, it would have been some other girl. Or a job. Or college. Or an all-consuming comic book hobby. We all move into and out of relationships at different levels, MMF.

So here’s the BSG’s recommendation: Tell Goober that you miss him. Tell him that you care about him. Then go about your life. Make other friends, hang out with your sisters, have fun in college. The BSG assumes that folks are still aware of the old adage about letting something go if you love it, and it will come back to you or some such nonsense. The short version of this adage is this question: Do you really want a friend who communicates with you and spends time with you out of guilt?

He’ll find you when he wants to, MMF. Granted, that may be years from now in whatever Facebook becomes in 2020, but you can’t control that. ~BSG~

Feels Like a Coward

Dear Bitter Single Guy: So I’ve known this guy since I was 13 and a half. I am now 17 and a half. They say that love at first sight doesn’t exist and that you don’t know what love is until you’re an adult. He’s been through several girlfriends. And recently this girl Kasey was with him and he almost married her except he recently found out she cheated on him 3 times. His name is Robbie. I didn’t know before but I know now for a fact since I’ve now been through the relationship loop a few times that he does in fact hold an interest for me and he has for a very long time. It feels as if it’s finally my chance to be with him and I have no idea what to do. There’s so much more about the time I’ve known him I probably should say but I really don’t know how I should approach this situation. This is different than any other romantic situation I’ve ever been in because I love him. I always have and always will. ~Feel Like a Coward~

Dear FLC: The Bitter Single Guy finds himself wondering at what age we stop using halves in our ages. The BSG himself prefers measuring his age in fractions of centuries, which makes him feel really young.

FLC, you know what advice the BSG is going to give you here, don’t you? You’ve been in love with this Romeo for 4 years, you’ve had relationships, he’s had relationships, you feel a connection that you’re pretty sure he feels as well. Seriously Girlfriend, there’s nothing to do but take the plunge. Ask him out. Do it. Invite him to a movie, to have coffee, to do something appropriate in public. Yes, it will hurt if he declines, but doesn’t it hurt a little now?

Do it, FLC. Don’t reach the ripe old age of 20 ½ without ever knowing if he was The One.

~BSG~