Avoiding A Rebound Relationship
Thanks Kelly for reminding the BSG that he has become lax in answering letters! It’s been a busy 2010 so far, dear readers…but the BSG will be here more in the coming days, he swears. ~BSG~
Dear Bitter Single Guy: Six months ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of three years and it ended okay (it was mutual). I don’t feel bitter or angry. I’ve come to terms with it and have dated a bit since then. About a month ago, I met someone special from an online dating website and I like him very much. My question is: how long should one wait before getting into a new relationship, or rather, how can one avoid a rebound relationship? I should add that I do not have a history of so-called “serial monogamy” and I’m very comfortable with being single. I noticed that you don’t have too much on your column regarding rebound relationships so I thought I should ask. ~Don’t Want to Bounce~
Dear DWB: Although the Bitter Single Guy has written many times about rebounds, it’s been many mango seasons, so it’s likely not in the archives anymore. The BSG believes that rebounding is inevitable, particularly in a bad breakup or even an emotional breakup.
Since you say that your breakup was amicable and that you’ve had a few dates since then, the BSG thinks you’re probably safe from a really ugly rebound situation. For those who are unfamiliar with the dynamics of a rebound relationship, it’s not uncommon, if one believes themselves to have been treated shabbily in their previous relationship, to decide to punish the new relationship as a result. This is the annoyance of a rebound…in a new relationship, we’re all dealing with the detritus from our new date’s last relationship…at least a little.
DWB, the BSG would give you the complete green light if not for two things:
It’s only been six months, which is really not very long considering you’re purging yourself from a 3 year relationship.
You bring up the possibility of a rebound. This is both good and bad. Bad because if you’re thinking about it, you’re probably feeling it somewhat. But the BSG thinks this is good because you’re paying attention.
The BSG recommends starting something up with online guy (please tell the BSG that you’ve met him in person by now…if not, you’re not dealing with a real person yet…just your reaction to an online persona), but taking it slowly. If no dragons rear their heads in the next month or so, the BSG would say that you’re as much in the clear as you’ll ever be.
~BSG~
Suppressing Co-Dependence
Dear Bitter Single Guy: My previous and first relationship was one of unhealthy codependence, went on much longer than we both knew it should, and became a source of regret and shame for me. I won’t pretend that both sides were at fault. I craved to be needed by this person, and was as responsible for cultivating that situation as much as he was.
I feel I took sufficient time and have done some soul-searching to make sure I was free of the baggage before allowing myself any sort of relationship.
Now, for the past few months I’ve been involved with a wonderful nurturing guy who has a social life that does not revolve around me, a clear idea of who he is, and he knows what he wants. I am not afraid that he will need me to fulfill every type of need in his life like my ex did.
In the beginning everything felt fine and natural. However, my tendency towards clinginess resurfaces sometimes despite my efforts to give him room to breathe. This includes compulsively calling to him or meeting up with him more than once a day several times a week despite our busy schedules and despite him even expressing his wish to hang out with his friends away from me. I want to stop neediness from becoming an aspect of any of my other relationships preferably before it ruins this one but certainly before it ruins the next. Have any tips for how to back up a little without becoming too distant, BSG? ~Seeking In-Dependence~
Dear SID: The Bitter Single Guy appreciates you looking to fix this problem before it rears its head again, but he’s a little concerned that your focus is on your current relationship or the next one. Gracious SID, have you already given up on this one?
The short answer is to get some therapy. Co-dependence (or over dependence or clinginess or whatever it gets called) is usually rooted in fear of abandonment. If you’ve determined (and it sounds like you have) that this is a pattern for you, then it will (as you’ve predicted) come up for you again and again in your relationships until you either dial it down or find someone who is attracted to the clingy type.
~BSG~
Taylor and Taylor Are Done
Well the Bitter Single Guy knew it was bound to happen, but it was fun to dream for a little while, eh? Taylor Lautner and Taylor Swift have ended their relationship after just a few months.
So the Bitter Single Guy has some advice for finding love in their next incarnations:
Taylor (Swift) – The BSG hadn’t heard your name until someone else (whose name the BSG didn’t really know) took a microphone away from you at some award show. While the BSG couldn’t tell one of your songs from one of the many other random blonde singers (are you and Carrie Underwood the same person?) he definitely thinks that Mr. West acted inappropriately, as does most of the rest of America.
Now, the brouhaha around your public dissing shouldn’t mean that you go for the obvious cutesy response in dating. The BSG means really…isn’t it just a little too easy to date someone with the same name. The BSG wants you to automatically reject future dates with people who share your name. Have some standards Taylor.
Taylor (Lautner) – The BSG, being a fan of the fantasy genre, had read Ms. Meyer’s vampire series and liked Jacob the Werewolf character as a foil to the (gag) perfection of Edward Cullen (the BSG should mention that while he’s a fan of fantasy, he is NOT a 13 year-old girl, so much of the Edward Cullen enthusiasm was lost on him). The BSG was pleased to see the first movie and thought it held up well to it’s minimal promise.
Upon seeing this second movie, the BSG was quite surprised Mr. Launtner! Either the producers of the Twilight movies got really lucky and found a scrawny kid to play the Jacob in the first movie who just happened to buff up to a rather impressive degree for movie #2, or (and this is the BSG’s suspicion) those soulless Hollywood-types put you up to a grueling regimen of exercise and weight training so you could pull off your werewolf gig. Beware sudden success Mr. Lautner. Many a celebrity has been little more than a flash in the pan and as some of those celebrities who now star in infomercials (the BSG is talking to you, Erik Estrada) can tell you, you’ve got a long life to live once this moment has passed.
The BSG doesn’t know how you met Ms. Swift and frankly, he doesn’t care. His advice for you is simply to be cautious. Your new status as a teen pin-up will only add to whatever hormones are rushing through your body, resulting in you being in a prime position to make really stupid decisions. Not, the BSG must clarify, that he believes your daliance with Ms. Swift was a stupid decision. In fact, the BSG thinks that was quite a sensible star to which to hitch your wagon, if even for a little while. In short Mr. Lautner, don’t let yourself get taken advantage of because you’re pretty. Soon enough you’ll be fat and bitter and will need something sensible to fall back on.
Good luck, Taylors!
~BSG!
Besotted
Dear Bitter Single Guy: First of all, I can relate to the bitter part of your name…for I once was bitter.
I am 52 and have been divorced for over 6 years after a rocky 16 year marriage. I decided to never date or get involved again. Then my lonely heart discovered someone I had known since the 9th grade and never once given the time of day…forgive me, SBG, I have changed. As it turns out, he is the happy in my day. We’ve been seeing one another for a month, practically every day.
The “love factor” is there and my query is, seeing I have not been in the dating scene for soooo long, could you give me the top 5 pieces (or more) of your priceless advice so I don’t screw this up? I have resolved that he is the “one” that I have waited a lifetime for. ~Besotted This Time~
Dear BTT: Yay! The Bitter Single Guy rarely gets to offer advice before things start falling apart! The BSG applauds your proactive stance, BTT.
So the BSG had to think a little about his top 5 advice points, but here they are:
- Don’t jump too quickly – The BSG wants you to be careful here, BTT. You’ve decided that your first relationship after a rocky 16-year marriage is the “one” but it’s not uncommon for one person to believe they’ve found their forever mate and the other person to just be spending time with someone nice. Even though you’re 6 years out of your marriage, the BSG wants you to think about this as your rebound relationship and remember…many folks have the experience of being appreciated in their relationship, so if you’re not his “one” keep an open mind.
- Jump – The BSG will knowingly contradict the above point. At some point, if you’re going to move a relationship forward, you’ve got to take the leap, whatever that means for you. Yes, taking leaps increases the likelihood of falling, but there’s no other way.
- Don’t over-analyze – The BSG is surprised how often his readers will write to him asking about the subtle nuance and deep-seated intention in a one-line email or text message. It’s natural to wonder about larger intentions and motivations, but be careful in your communication to avoid drawing conclusions where there are none.
- Ask for what you want – This is as simple as it sounds, but is the most common thing folks email the BSG about. Don’t assume that your partner can read your mind and don’t try to read his. Ask. Tell.
- Wallow in it – The BSG doesn’t actually think that relationships are supposed to last. Yes, some of them do, but the BSG believes that those are the exceptions. Most of us move in and out of romantic relationships as our lives evolve. Whether this is the one you have until you die or not, the BSG recommends enjoying every minute of it while it lasts…whether it lasts a week or a decade.
Good luck, BTT! ~BSG~
