The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

In Love with my Best Friend

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been friends with this girl for a while now, and I have developed feelings for her. I never wanted to act on it in fear of losing her. We talk all the time, and she recently started dating someone. She had never told me anything about her being in a relationship until I confronted her. She then told me and I have met him, and don’t think he is right for her. I never told her that. She is now acting very strange with me. I know in my head what I want to make of it, but I don’t know what’s real. And I don’t see why she didn’t tell me something was going on when we talk on a regular basis and about anything. I don’t know how I should proceed with this. I know now that she is seeing someone I can’t tell her how I really feel. Should I just work on getting over it, or should I wait and see how things go with her and this guy? ~Biding My Time~

Dear BMT: If the Bitter Single Guy were a gambling man (and he is), he would guess that your Dulcet Dandelion is completely aware of your feelings for her even though you haven’t told her about them. Heck, once you indicated that you “confronted her” about whether she was dating someone, the BSG was pretty sure that Dulcet Dandelion knew about your affection. In most friendships, confrontation isn’t necessary when asking about dating.

So the answer to your question about why she would start dating someone without telling her good friend (you), is that she knew you have feelings for her and she was either:

1. Forgetful
2. Trying to preserve your feelings
3. Not wanting to inspire you to express your feelings because she doesn’t share them.

The BSG suspects choice #3 because if she did have feelings for you and wanted you to know it, you would probably already know it (there are very few people able to conceal their affection for someone that they spend regular time with).

The answer to your second question: whether you should work on getting over it, or wait and see how things go with this guy, the BSG thinks you should get over it. At a minimum, if you’re her friend, she probably expects you to respect her choice of boyfriend even if you don’t think he’s right for her (the BSG wonders if you would find any guy right for her except you).

Short version is that you’re into Dulcet Dandelion and she’s not into you. At a minimum you should tell her how you feel because the BSG guarantees that nothing will happen (good or bad) otherwise. But expect when you tell her to hear that she doesn’t have those feelings for you, but that your friendship is important to her. At that point you’ll have to (as the BSG says above) get over it. ~BSG~

Getting Dumped Sucks

According to the BSG’s recent entirely scientific poll, 20 out of 30 respondents say that getting dumped sucks more than dumping someone. So fully two thirds of respondents confirm what the BSG (and you) probably would have guessed.

But isn’t it interesting that one entire third of respondents say that dumping someone sucks MORE? Hmmm…the BSG thinks this is interesting and that’s why he’s writing The Bitter Single Guy’s Guide to Breaking Up. One third of people will need the book to make the dumping easier, and the other two thirds of you (us?) will need the book to understand what the hell just happened.

It was in a poll, people. It’s true. Answer other BSG polls today.

~BSG~

Friends With Benefits Not So Beneficial.

Dear Bitter Single Guy: At a party, I hooked up with a guy. We knew each other through our social circle and found each other attractive. We started hooking up every time we got hammered together at parties.

We had a talk, and established that we are just friends with benefits and have no romantic goals with each other. We hung out and did friend things and talked about girls/boys. Recently, we hung out by ourselves, we got drunk, cuddled and talked and he opened up a little bit about his own issues which surprised me, he’s not the type to do that. He initiated the cuddling/make out that ensued afterwards. I should have said no, but I mean, I was drunk, whatever.

We fell asleep cuddling, and when we woke up we hugged goodbye and went our separate ways. That night, we were hanging out with a group. He went out of his way to avoid me. In fact, he spent the entire time gushing about another girl he has a huge crush on. When I finally got him alone and casually brought up the night before he dismissed it saying “Oh, I blacked out, haha, I don’t remember anything”. He was perfectly coherent. I know he didn’t black out.

I get that he probably felt a bit overwhelmed. We were gushing about all sorts of issues and he’s usually pretty emotionally stoic. I’m hurt because, though we established ourselves as friends with benefits, we DID talk about that stuff, and we’re friends first. I think he’s used to hooking up with girls and ignoring them, except I’m in his social circle so he faces a conundrum. He feels pressured to show that nothing has changed emotionally between us. He chooses to just pretend nothing happened. It stings.  He’s very touchy-feely with the rest of our group, even the guys, but he shrinks away from me. We’re housemates next year.

I don’t know what to do about him. I want him to accept me as a friend and not see me as just some dismissible chick. What should I do? Talk to him? Let things run and next time we’re in a situation like that, establish the no-more-benefits-because-you-treat-me-like-crap-afterwards boundary?  I don’t have romantic feelings for him. It just hurts because our group is very open about that sort of thing, and we’ve all hooked up at some point or another, yet I’m the only one he gets weird about it with afterwards? What’s your take? ~Tired of Being Dissed~

Dear TBD: The Bitter Single Guy first wants to point out that friends with benefits rarely seems to work out for many people. Intellectually we all love the idea of sex without strings, but in practice the strings may be hidden, but are usually there.

The BSG thinks you should go with your ‘no-more-benefits-because-you-treat-me-like-crap-afterwards boundary’. Particularly since this group of friends is apparently open and particularly since you’re planning to be housemates next year.

The BSG’s guess is that Drunken Cuddler has some feelings coming up for you despite his best efforts and rather than dealing with them openly, he’s choosing to act all frat-boy-ish and pretend it’s not happening. That means setting the boundary is up to you and the BSG thinks you’ve got this well in hand. Go get ‘im. ~BSG~

Wife is Having an Emotional Affair

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Hey man I have a serious problem here I could use a little advice…My wife and I have been married 4 years. We have had our good days and bad days but about a year ago it started getting stale. We fell into routine she works long hours we didn’t see each other much. I quit showing her the attention I did when we were dating and such and she quit showing me also. About 8 months ago she started talking to an old ex bf from about 10+ years. They never had sex  - they weren’t together long at all. Said that she can talk to him about anything and that while I wasn’t showing her attention he did. He lives in a different state. They started out emails then texts then calls and now she talks to him daily sometimes many times a day. Says he’s her best friend.

I saw some texts she sent that were sexual I called her out on it and she said sorry she would never do it again it was wrong. She is always talking about meeting him in person he’s moving about 5 hours from us soon and she says she wants to meet him half way for lunch. Said she will take a friend to make me feel better and it will be all public and no staying the night. She SWEARS he’s just a friend yet I’ve seen them seriously flirting. I have tried to be calm about it told her I didn’t want her putting herself in that position but she swears it’s just best friends and she WILL NOT stop or even slow down talking to him.

She said he wants her to go see him and spend a couple days with him sleep in a different room and all that. I’m old school man, if it walks like a duck quacks like a duck chances are it’s a duck. She swears she doesn’t want to be with him he, hasn’t seen his own kids in 6 years and we have 4. He cheats on every girl he’s with she said she would never get with him. So being that she can’t end this friendship for the good of our marriage or even slow it down some do you think she’s setting me up to cheat? I have done wrong in the past one thing I have never done is cheated on her. Not so much as even a kiss couldn’t even imagine it. So is this just a fantasy that will pass or is she emotionally cheating on me seeking attention and I suppose romance outside of the marriage. Should I even bother trying anymore? When we are together and she doesn’t talk to him we are perfect…when I hear his name or she tells me he wants to meet her somewhere I explode….Been going on for nearly a year I can’t take it anymore. ~Looking for Ducks~

Dear LFD: The Bitter Single Guy thinks your analysis of walking and quacking is accurate here: you’ve got a duck on your hands, my friend.

The BSG doesn’t think that any relationship will meet all of our needs and thinks that friends are a great way to fill out those possibilities. However, the BSG thinks this is more about finding a friend who shares your love of chess if your partner doesn’t. For flirting and romantical stuff, the BSG thinks that should be the person with whom you’re in a romantical relationship.

Frankly LFD, the BSG was sold at the point that you discovered sexual content in her text messages to him. At that point, all bets are off in the BSG’s opinion. Unless your wife has other “friends” with whom she makes sexual remarks in text messages, the BSG suspects that this is exactly what it appears to be. The BSG believes that if she goes to visit for a day or two (and “sleeps on the couch”) there will be an accidental experience with too much to drink and one-thing-just-lead-to-another and it-didn’t-mean-anything and if-you’re-getting-upset-over-nothing-that’s-your-problem and then everyone’s in trouble.

But here’s the other problem. Do you really want to declare Martial Law in your marriage by telling your wife that she can’t go off and spend time with this man? The BSG doesn’t think so. Given that, here is the BSG’s advice: Tell your wife that you know that you haven’t been the best husband and that you are committed (if you are) to working with her on improving your relationship. Tell her also that you’re not going to get into the semantics of differences between a friend and an affair, but that respect for your feelings, if not downright tackiness, should prevent her from carrying on this emotional affair with this man.

In other words LFD, separate the emotional affair she’s involved in from the problems in your marriage. Use this two-pronged approach to either work with her on how you can both improve your relationship or determine how to end it gracefully before you find yourselves working through infidelity after the fact because that’s where this duck is heading. ~BSG~

Heard my gf was cheating

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Awhile ago my gf told me a guy was saying very vulgar things to her at a party, and the next day my gf tells me her friend (who also likes this guy) says that my gf hooked up with him.

Now this girl (the informant) and my gf used to be friends and since have stopped speaking. I told my gf to find out what happened from her and if she couldn’t then I would (probably my first mistake). Well the informant contacts me and tells me that my gf cheated on me twice on the night in question with said guy, and that my gf has been lying to me and others. She even told me to talk to the guy my gf supposedly slept with.

I confronted my gf about this, denied all charges flat out. My gf calls the informant crazy and the informant calls my gf a liar. What should I do? I love my gf a lot; we’ve got plans about our future etc. The girl the informant describes doesn’t sound like my gf, the girl I know and love.

Should I dig deeper on this one? It’s incredibly stressful on our relationship. It’s a catch 22 almost. ~Wanting to Dig Deeper~

Dear WDD: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you need to side with your girlfriend on this. You say you trust her and The Informant seems to have an axe to grind where your girlfriend is concerned. The problem of course, is the consequences of being wrong. If you’re wrong and The Informant is trying to wreck your relationship, then you end up being the big giant jerk that didn’t trust his girlfriend instead of an obvious psycho wench. The BSG says trust the girlfriend, but he also thinks that the two of you should agree to cut off all contact with The Informant.

That said, the BSG is suspicious by nature and recommends paying attention for other signs of infidelity in the future. If The Informant is just doing a public service and telling the truth, then you’re going to have many years of getting over the hurt you’ll feel if your girlfriend is this fiendish. That said, the BSG thinks that if she’s ballsy enough to carry out this drama, then he suspects she’ll stray again. ~BSG~