Playing House
Dear Bitter Single Guy: This girl and I have started sleeping together, but actually just sleeping without sex or even making out. We both have been hurt/messed up from recent break-ups and agree that we don’t want to be in a relationship right now. We want to take time to figure each other out and see if anything happens.
We both have histories of being impulsive when dating and moving too fast. This is another reason why we have started doing this. I care about her a lot and I’m sure she cares about me. The thing is that I don’t how much longer I can keep “playing house”. She’s amazing and I don’t want to mess things up, but hate feeling sort of led along like she’s getting what she wants out of me and I’m waiting patiently for the reward of sex.
The fact is that I think sleeping together is a very intimate thing especially with the amount of cuddling and small kisses we give each before falling asleep. I really enjoy it despite my frustrations about not having sex. She knows this and retains the argument that we both agreed to just figure each other out first.
Is this normal and healthy or twisted and pathetic? Can anything good happen from playing house the way we are? ~Wanting More~
Dear WM: So many questions! The Bitter Single Guy can tell you that your situation is both normal and healthy AND twisted and pathetic. From the BSG’s perspective, normal and healthy is any arrangement that results in consenting adults feeling good about a relationship. For that reason, the BSG thinks that some time spent cuddling in a non-sexual way can be a great way to bond in the early part of a relationship.
But clearly you’re done with that WM, or you wouldn’t be writing. The BSG thinks now you’re heading into twisted-and-pathetic-land. In this particular version of twisted-and-pathetic-land there are a couple of clear dangers:
· Cuddly Girl will get all comfy in your safe, sex-free relationship and she’ll start to think of you as a big stuffed animal that she can cuddle and play house with, but who doesn’t get her motor running, if you get the BSG’s drift. This is all fine and good of course, until she meets someone a little edgy, who is not at all like a stuffed animal and who DOES get her motor running. Do you see this future WM? Of course you do. In this future, she starts telling you all about how exciting it is to be around Edgy Guy even while cuddling up next to you and you finally get to see what it’s like for your girlfriend to be sexually interested in someone. Sounds fun, eh?
· In this less graphic but more insidious scenario, you will have established a dangerous pattern with Cuddly Girl where she is able to hold out on intimacy, leaving you panting and hoping. You could spend years in a relationship where you are a minor contributor at best. Your girlfriend will own all the decisions about the way in which the two of you connect. After enough time anything can seem normal and you’ll just wake up realizing that *ahem* you have a closer relationship with the latest issue of Cosmo in the bathroom than you do with your girlfriend.
Have a conversation with your girlfriend about how much you care for her and how great you think it is that you’ve both decided to wait for physical intimacy. But then tell her clearly that you’ve gotten all the value out of waiting that you needed and that you’re done waiting. This shouldn’t mean that Cuddly Girl should now live by YOUR timetable…she may not be finished with cuddly time yet. But she should know that your clock is ticking and that at some time in the foreseeable future you’ll be ready to move on to a relationship that includes physical intimacy.
~BSG~
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Says:
May 13th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
I agree with you Bitter Single Guy to a point! She might start to feel safe the way it is without sex and look at him like a friend.. that is true.
I don’t see here how the non-sex bed partnering has been going on. I don’t think 2 weeks for example is too long. Having sex with everyone you are involved with for a woman is not normally healthy emotionally. Maybe she is testing him to see if he really cares about her!
Says:
May 14th, 2009 at 11:48 pm
The other thing to think about, is that “normal” and “healthy” are not always the same thing. To give a completely non-relationship oriented example, it’s quite normal to live on credit cards, without ever really dealing with “real money,” but it’s seriously unhealthy. Likewise, it’s very healthy to eat a low fat, calorie restricted diet, but not exactly normal these days.
So, I say to heck with normal. Just worry about healthy. That’s the one that matters.
That said, I’m with the BSG here, as usual. It sounds like you guys are at different points in the relationship, and you need to be honest about that. Maybe the thing is to back off from the cuddly “playing house,” and go to a more early courting type relationship. But staying in a situation where she’s completely satisfied, and you’re not, isn’t going to be healthy for anybody.
Says:
May 18th, 2009 at 1:22 am
quite an interesting point, its rare to find a guy who agrees not to rush things up. It’s kinda cute, and am sure the girl enjoys it as much. I would give her some more time and then start some more active actions… eventually you both will land up where you want to be
Says:
May 20th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
I don’t think this is one bit healthy for either one of you! I mean come on, really, sleeping in the same bed, and still no sex? Then I really don’t think she has any intentions of going down that road with you. Sorry, be an adult, and mention the next natural step to your relationship, but remember, you have to ask yourself, if she is waiting for a bigger commitment before taking that step, are you willing to? If your not and she isn’t giving it up…move on.