Dear Bitter Single Guy: My life is full of odd, often funny situations but there is one that has stuck. I need a magic word to pull my brain to earth. I cannot divulge all the detail so hope it’s enough.
I met someone 25 yrs ago in my errant youth. He liked me I didn’t get it but also didn’t like his rather nasty family and I already had one of my own to contend with (worked for his father who was keen to get us together at the time). Nothing happened. We went separate ways then 5 yrs later unexpectedly saw him again and realized I liked him but timing was lousy. To make a long story short, over the years on occasion he magically reappeared. I didn’t really think about anything much, this has been one of many ‘stupid things young me did’ ‘that’s life’ stories. we had an inside joke of sorts and 1 year ago while getting ready to move I found something related to it and sent it to him via work with an irreverent note with no address etc etc. no.big.deal. I thought. I have no idea if he ever got it but after I sent it my brain went nuts. I couldn’t stop thinking, afraid he would magically appear somewhere like he used to – became moderately paranoid yet wanted him to (he hasn’t). A couple weeks after posting joke / note to him, I Googled my distinctive name for the first time to find a short black comedy about a couple with our names.??? I was completely wielded out. then googled mr cleverpants and discovered he had come to work on a couple of assignments in the country I was then living in whereupon I went over the edge (know zilch about his personal life). I have divorced, moved back to the city it all started in which was necessary but unhelpful, and to my relief we shift back overseas in a few months time. I am older/ potentially wiser and have spent a lot of time working out what I want as a result of having been unhappily married for 11 years. Now that i am happy again with space to think there is a voice in my head telling me I want to be with him. What utter crap. Please help me clear my head, nothing works. I am generally action-oriented so this is becoming a titch stressful. What do you think – certifiable or just 98th mid-life crisis? What does one do (gardening being out)? ~Spinning in Circles~
Dear SIC: The Bitter Single Guy isn’t exactly sure what the hell you’re talking about, but he’ll take a stab at it because frankly, your letter cracked him up a little.
The gist of your sitch, as far as the BSG can tell, is that you had an on-again-off-again attraction to a guy starting when you met him about 25 years ago. The BSG will hazard a guess that you were attracted to him, but weren’t sure why or weren’t comfortable with the attraction, so it stayed in odd fantasy mode.
Then, you find yourself in 11 years of unhappy married life and your brain (which, like so many brains, doesn’t always listen to reason) keeps reminding you of this guy because frankly a decade of unhappiness would make any brain play reruns of happier times.
Now you’ve escaped the unhappy marriage and so clearly your brain thinks you should rekindle whatever the hell you had with this guy. This is all totally logical and the BSG understands how you could get there. However, this whole “he magically appears” is leaving way too much up to chance and the BSG wants to remind you that this has been unfolding for a quarter of a century. It’s time to step up to the plate, SIC. Here’s the plan:
You stop Googling yourself and Mr. Cleverpants looking for star-crossed coincidences. Instead you send a direct note to Mr. Cleverpants, including your contact information. In this note, you say “Hey, we hung out once and I’d like to hang out again. Fancy a pint?”
At that point, your relationship with Mr. Cleverpants will exit your non-helpful brain and enter the real world. You may find that Mr. C isn’t interested, or you may find that he’s interested, but a bit of a bore. You may even find that he’s interested and that the real-life version of him is actually quite different (having lived through his own separate 25 years since you met him) than the version of him that your brain has been clutching like a tattered teddy bear.
Yup…step up to the plate, SIC. You’ve been warming up in the batter’s box for 25 years. At this point a swing-and-a-miss will at least let you move on.