Rapunzel and The Bitter Old Troll
Dear Bitter Single Guy: My ex-fiancé and I dated for 7 years. We broke up a couple of times during this 7 years and have had a lot of problems.
He is selfish and thinks that everything he does is right. He expects me to be perfect and never wants to work out/talk about any problems because he believes they’re all my fault. If I do bring up an issue, he will say I’m ruining the mood for the day. If I get upset and not talk to him, he blames me for not letting him know that I’m upset about something.
We broke up about a month ago over an argument. During that time, he told me “he knew and that I should’ve known that this was never going to work”. All my friends think that I deserve better but I just can’t seem to let it go. I wake up every day feeling like sh*t. ~Lost and Directionless~
Dear LAD: The Bitter Single Guy is usually hesitant to bash one half of a relationship when he only hears from the other half. In other words, it would be easy, based on your description, to conclude that your ex-fiancé is a bitter old troll and you’re a sad tragic princess locked in a tall tower…but it’s rarely that clear (although the BSG loves the imagery there, don’t you?).
So in the absence of clarity about Bitter Old Troll’s behavior, the BSG will focus on one point: you wake up every day feeling like shit (the BSG is OK with minor cursing). The BSG assumes that you feel like shit since the breakup and based on your description he assumes that you felt like shit a lot while you were in the relationship, too. That’s enough LAD. If you’ll recall from your fairy tale training, whether the princess in the tower is looking down at a Bitter Old Troll or at Prince Charming, locked in a tower is locked in a tower.
What the BSG means with all this Rapunzel-let-down-your-hair reference is that it’s not OK to be treated, or believe that you’re being treated like you describe. You will find yourself saying that if you bail on this relationship now you will have wasted 7 years. The BSG thinks this is the biggest bunch of horse-poop imaginable. The logic there is that if you’ve invested 7 years in your unhappiness you deserve to be unhappy…what…forever?
Let it go. You don’t marry a man, whether he’s a Bitter Old Troll or Prince Charming, who makes you feel like you’re imprisoned.
LAD it also seems that you may be in need of some self-esteem building. You’re coming out of a relationship where you believe you’ve been berated and made to take responsibility for everything that went wrong, so you’re not likely to be feeling a good bit of personal power. The BSG recommends getting some healthy control over your personal environment as a way to get some healing going on. This could look like getting an apartment or house on your own, getting a pet who you can treat responsibly, or…not always the healthiest choice, but an incredibly effective choice…a rebound relationship with someone you can stomp on a little then dump when you feel powerful again. ~BSG~
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Says:
March 5th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Aw – I can comprehend the pain you are going through LAD – I am a bitter coupled gal for a reason!! OK maybe not to this extent. But have been through your pain and fought through it. More than once!
It is never easy when you wake up and realize prince charming has turned back into a toad. I think many of us princesses tend to ignore the warts on our princes because - well we are willing to adapt and change and comprimise, so they’ll definitely be willing to have a nastly little wart removed right?
Or so it seems. But remember - warts can come back. Taking your story into my experience, I assume you go back because after a break-up he misses you and promises to work on the problems. And then WHOMP – up springs a nasty little wart.
The other thing about warts? They are a bit contagious - whether you contract a sad and lonely feeling or you become stubborn and trollish yourself – its not good!
This bitter gal could undestand reconciling once. Sometimes things are said or done in the heat of a moment and regretted soon after. And like BSG said, we don’t know his side. BUT the feeling that nothing you do is right? Well, i’ve learned two things from that feeling.
1) you do things that are right LAD
2) there is a deeper lying issue with your BOT if he is constantly pushing you to the ground. Whether its his own insecurities or his way of pushing you away – but either are good scenarios. (Or is it neither? anyway).
After seven years I think it may be time to stop trying to kiss a toad into a prince. A big red flag is a lack of communication and if he isn’t willing to sit down and talk to you or blame you on ruining the mood if you need to communicate, then this will only become worse when you are married.
Be happy though – I know it’s hard. It is better for you to see the flags now than after you’ve gone through the motions of a wedding. And trust me. This gal was just a MOH for her best friend and you don’t want to go the whole nine yards only to realize your playing iwth a deflated football.
It will take time. I hate that cliche. But I love it. Find an activity that doesn’t include frogs or trolls and throw yourself into it as much as you can. Don’t lay in bed and cry. OK, maybe for a few nights. But Listen to the BSG. And be happy to know you’re about to finally stand up for yourself, by putting your foot down!
Says:
March 6th, 2009 at 12:39 am
It could be a lot worse. My story is just like yours, except that after 7 years of turbulent dating, I actually got married to the succubus.
23 months after that, I was bitter divorced guy.
Says:
March 17th, 2009 at 7:11 am
I have to agree with the advice given here – if after 7 years there’s no commitment it’s time to get working on at least making yourself happy!
Says:
March 18th, 2009 at 9:07 am
The reason i stayed for 7 years is because he wanted to get married.
But I’m the one who has to do everything his way.
I know it is not fair to judge base on one side of the relationship. But let me give a quick background of what i call unreasonable.
If the dog has an accident, it is my fault – not the dog’s.
I definitely do not have a trucker’s mouth, but once in a while, i’ll let an “oh shit” slip… and he’ll get mad at me for swearing.
When we have an argument, i need to give him time to calm/think (which is normal) but when he’s all set. I’m expected to be happy there waiting for him and forget about the argument.
…i don’t want to dwell on the past. and i have finally come to realize that no matter what, i’m better off without him. But what i cannot understand is why these 7 years means nothing to him….why i mean nothing to him.
Says:
March 18th, 2009 at 9:14 am
and thanks for all the comments advice.
BSG, i need some serious self-confidence boast.
He was borderline cheated on me with a married woman and blamed it all on me. and i took it. because at the time, i had no doubt he’ll be the man i’d spend the rest of my life with.
Says:
March 20th, 2009 at 9:56 am
“When we have an argument, i need to give him time to calm/think (which is normal) but when he’s all set. I’m expected to be happy there waiting for him and forget about the argument. ”
The only thing I will say about this – is while communication is KEY and you need to be able to discuss something – you should also tak ethe time and space (in your future relationships) when he is to mull things over and move on. Sometimes – it just isn’t worth holding on to and I had to learn that the hard way as well.
That being said you were definitely in an abusive relationship scenario (mentally) and you have to remember – none of that was your fault. ESPECIALLY not him “borderline cheating.” BTW rapunzle, what is borderline? To me, if you become emotionally involved and try to woo another woman, that is just cheating. It goes against your trust, period.
Im happy to know you are ready to move on. It isn’t that you don’t mean anything to him. He just seems like a jerk… a bit self centered… and I would NOT be surprised if this need to control all situations and be “the winner” of all arguments isn’t his own insecurity issues.
Rapunzle, you are the one with beautiful long hair and he is the bitter troll that locked you up in a tower of self pity and self loathing. Time to climb down your own hair, prince or not, and walk away from this tower.
Just to let you know, there is nothing you could do. This troll needs his own help and its best that you go off and work on yourself.
Unhealthy relationships happen to unhealthy people. This is why they say you have to love yourself before you can love another. They don’t REALLY mean someone who doesn’t love themselves is incapable of loving someone – they mean if you aren’t 100% about yourself, you will attract other people who are unhealthy and involve yourself into an unhealthy relationship.
Go work on that confidence, comb that hair, have a little fling if you really want and find some way to boost that ego and confidence. When you are happy and healthy – you’ll find your relationships are too!
Says:
March 24th, 2009 at 5:05 am
Thank you for all the advice everyone.
I am trying very hard not to think why/how things happened and just accepted that he’s changed…and maybe I have to. But he is just no longer the person I fell so deeply in love with. At times I thought/knew it was time to move on, but I just could not comprehend how some that supposedly love me, will purposely put me down, make me sad (just to make himself feel better?) i mean, i still can’t understand…
This is a long one, but the “borderline cheating” happened between him and a married woman. he met her at work and they became good friends immediately. she conveniently lived across the street and he was hanging out with her AND the husband in the beginning. Then they started hanging out alone and they’d call each other about 20x a day, when they drive to work, drive home….call each other at 2am….I told him that i was not happy and comfortable with it and he blamed it on my own insecurities (which i do have) and jealousy. She knew i didn’t like her and she kept doing it… He called her when we were on vacation in Vegas!…he sent her flowers for her bday… she called him from out of the country when she went on vacation…and bought him a matching watch (the monetary part of this gift is the least of my concern)…but when I brought it up to him that is not “normal” for a married woman to buy a guy friend a matching watch, he just brushed it off and said it was something cheap that she thought he’d like.
Till this day, i still do not know what happened between them, but he has assured me that nothing has happened… and i do not believe it.
I stayed with him during that time because i was in a really bad place in my life… I was dealing with a ton of issues and thought this was the only “right” thing i can control in my life. I was depressed and gave myself a deadline to get help, thankfully i was able to recover from that….
and after all that we’ve been through, i find it hard to just let that all go…
Says:
March 24th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Of course it is hard Rapunzle and I can’t speak for everyone but I assure you I can appreciate that.
What he did was cheating, not borderline cheating. Sadly, we have come to accept emotinoal cheating as nothing more than a “wahtever” issue. “Sure he is involving himself iwth her but as long as he doesn’t cross the line it isn’t cheating.”
Unfortunately that was and still IS cheating Rapunzle. Nothing you described there is OK for a man in a relationship to do with another woman… married or not!
People do change, and it sounds like you are changing for the better. Become stronger… more confident…even if it doesnt FEEL that way, your ability to walk away from an abusive relationship is a sign of it.
You may never know what happened but you said something very good. He is no longer the man you loved. You also pointed out he did things to make himself feel better. You unknowningly DO understand that what he did was not a personal attack against you and YOU ma’am have done NOTHING wrong. You probably never did. He has his own insecurities and issues and sadly for you decided to take them out on you. I hate knowing this but people can just be mean sometimes if it helps them personally… and that was uncool of him.
My boyfriends sisteris going through a similar ordeal. She is young, but was emotionally cheated on and is now having trouble letting go. I’ll tell you what I told her.
Learn to be mad at him… and then focus all of your energy on YOU YOU YOU. Pick up a new hobby, start working out (the endorphins frmo this will actually REALLY help you move on faster), whatever it is you need to do… and search deep and find out what will make YOU happy. More sepcifically, what will make the SINGLE YOU happy.
When we are unhealthy internally we attract other unhealthy people which turns into unhealthy relationships. This is not your fault either my long haired friend. When you work on YOU and find your happy place and YOU are internally healthy, you will, in turn, attract healthy people and be able to grow in a healthy relationship.
Sorry BSG, I get wordy… just remember… what you can say in 7 words takes me 15 and so on
I am, after all, of the female variety of homosapien. 
Says:
October 5th, 2011 at 11:19 am
boundaries in relationships…
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