The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Reclaiming Your Relationship Power

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Your blog is great! Incredibly clear and logical advice is rare. I think it’s exactly what I need.

I’ve been going out with an amazing guy for 7 months who is everything I could want in a boyfriend, who inspires me and who I love (haven’t said it though, nor has he). Everything has been peaches – aside from the fact he’s busy surfing a whole lot.

The elephant in the room has always been that I’m going away for 5 months next year. I’d always thought we’d ride it out, but recently he brought up how it might be easier, though awkward, if we were friends before I leave because we might not end up together in a year when we finish studying – he might want to go somewhere different to me (I would follow, but he didn’t even ask that). And he might ‘hurt me by stopping liking me’. This last bit was because he lost all feeling for his last girlfriend when they were apart for a month and is scared this could happen to us. He also included in this crushing speech that he thinks I like him slightly more than he likes me.

What the hell. I broke up with him, hurt, because I have to put myself first or at least show that I can – or he will never get a wakeup call. (I don’t actually want to leave him at all it makes me beyond sad). Since then he’s been saying non-stop that he wants to be with me, never wanted to break up, might leave the course if we’re not together, and basically completely contradicting himself. What should I do?

Confused by Contradictory Boy

Dear CBCB: The Bitter Single Guy read the first half of your letter and was forming his advice in his head, then got to the second half of your letter and realized that you had already done what he was going to advise!

But the BSG gets ahead of himself. Bravo for your use of “everything has been peaches – aside from excessive surfing” (the BSG paraphrased here a bit). That line will stick with the BSG for some months. Besides that, the BSG has some conclusions that you have probably also come to. If Contradictory Boy isn’t able to stay focused for 5 months (really not that long) while you’re gone, then this is a delightful but non-permanent relationship you’re in.  Seriously, he lost all feeling for his former girlfriend after a month of being apart? Who IS this guy?

CBCB, the BSG would have made the same decision that you made in response to the crushing speech (getting out). Being told that you like Contradictory Boy more than he likes you and that he doesn’t want to hurt you when he doesn’t like you anymore? WTF? You were right to jump off that sinking ship.

The BSG is glad however, that Contradictory Boy has the gumption to admit that he got more than he bargained for when he made these pronouncements (gumption is a rare, fair feature, the BSG thinks).  The best thing you have going for you is that you’re emotionally separated from him, putting you in a position of considerable power in this relationship and the BSG is never one to recommend against using some power. Be willing to talk with him, and maybe have dinner or coffee with him, but make it clear that right now HE likes you more than you like HIM.  Chances are you’ll still be on shaky ground when you go away next year, but at least you have the chance to balance the scales a little right now.

~BSG~