“Serious” commitment
Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been dating my current girlfriend for 3 years. We have been “serious” for about two and a half of those and have never had any major problems between us. However she has been acting really weird lately.
In April, I decided to forgo getting a Masters degree in my current major and go to law school (we are both seniors in college). At first she seemed to be fine with the decision, and even encouraged it. But in the past 2 weeks or so she’s been questioning my commitment to her, citing the fact I changed my career path which would postpone any long term plans, like marriage. She’s now just flat out bitter about it, saying “Whatever” and “Sure” when I say I love you.
She’s now limiting our phone calls and I’m barely pulling stuff out of her on the phone. I have no clue what’s going on. Do you have an idea BSG? ~Standing Out in The Cold~
Dear SOTC: This is a tough one. The Bitter Single Guy can actually identify with both you and your Grumpy Gardenia. You’re both in that stage of life planning that many young North American adults face where you have a plan for making money (work) that involves spending money (college). You don’t say whether or not your decision requires a change in geography, but that’s often the case. The BSG lays this out for you because he doesn’t want you or Grumpy Gardenia to think that your situation is so unique that there are no examples to learn from.
Here’s the breakdown SOTC. You and Grumpy Gardenia have been planning a life together after college (This is what the BSG assumes from your statement that your relationship has been “serious” for two and a half years). But although you were planning a life together, you apparently made a decision about your future that didn’t include her. So, she’s probably wondering, how “serious” are we if he’s making decisions about our future without me?
Do you get why Grumpy Gardenia is grumpy? The BSG certainly does.
SOTC, you need to decide whether you are working on a conjoint future with Grumpy Gardenia or not. Iif you are, well then you committed a faux pas by planning for your conjoint future without her. If getting “serious” (putting it in quotes doesn’t define it any more than leaving the quotes off, the BSG thinks) just meant an exclusive commitment without a commitment for the future, well you need to talk about that with Grumpy Gardenia.
Otherwise, and this is likely to be her sticking point soon if it isn’t already, she may be putting her own plans on hold because she’s making plans for the two of you while your plans mostly include yourself.
Now that he’s beaten up on you a little the BSG will say that you’re in a tough spot. If you wrote to him to say that you were putting off your plans for higher education so you could get married and have kids, he would likely castigate you for making a hasty decision so it’s sort of a lose-lose situation for you. But take comfort in the fact that you’re in the exact situation that MANY other young North American adults are in at about your age. Good luck. ~BSG~
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August 13th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
My boyfriend and I are in a very similar situation: Graduation approaching, real life knocking at our doors, and what next?? Many of my friends are or have been in the same place. Whatever you do, don’t let your fear of the future (and don’t pretend applying for law school isn’t terrifying!) screw with your reasoning on what your relationship means and where it is going. Those are entirely separate questions that will inform, but shouldn’t dictate, your professional path.
I know couples that have followed each other to grad school, others that have done the long-distance thing, others that have adjusted plans. The ones that called it quits have done so because it was time for it to happen– they didn’t do it solely because of graduation. That happens in high school, and rightly so, but we’re older and wiser now, right? Clearly not nearly old or wise enough, but 3 years in college is a lot different than 3 years in high school, as you already know. 3 years in college probably means you’re living together and she (if not you) is thinking marriage. Yeah, I know it sounds crazy, and we liberated college women shouldn’t think that way… but if you really believe we aren’t still women with legitimate concerns about how commited our man really is… listen to Beyonce’s “Single Ladies”. Because that guy will be you if you can’t decide (and pretty darn quick) whether you’re in this for the long run, because I guarantee that’s the question on your girlfriend’s mind. You’re trying to make big life decisions, and either she’s a part of that plan, or she’s not. There’s not really a half-way, and she knows that even if it hasn’t hit you yet.
-A liberated college woman (but a woman nonetheless)