The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

She Can’t Let Go

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I was dating a very nice man for about 8 months.  We met in AA.  He is also a former marine and a veteran.  We enjoyed, what I thought was, a very happy relationship.  We saw each other two or three times a week which we both were comfortable with.  He introduced me to all of his friends and made me comfortable in his home.  We took trips together and were just as happy hanging out at home as going out.

Although he was hesitant to express his emotions verbally, the sex was great and we were very compatible.  Everything seemed to be wonderful up until about a month ago.  Out of nowhere, he would not return my calls.  When I called him, he said he would call me back and then he wouldn’t.  I have emailed him a few times, but no response.  My question is – should I confront him face to face? I don’t want to confront him in a negative way.  I would just like to know (1) if he is ok and (2) to please explain what happened.  I am consumed by this. I think I deserve to know what happened.  What do you think?  He is a wonderful, caring person who gives freely of his time to help others.  I am completely perplexed and hurt by the fact that he cannot (and will not) communicate with me.  Can you help BSG – Please!  Thanks very much in advance. ~Feeling Shut Out~

Dear FSO: The Bitter Single Guy knows firsthand (from several occasions) what it’s like for a date to simply go dark and it’s one of the most frustrating situations he’s ever experienced, so he feels for you FSO.  Here’s the BSG’s advice:

First, find out if he’s actually OK. If you know he’s out there in the world (working, living, etc.) and not lying in a ditch somewhere then check this off the list. If you don’t, contact one of those friends of his you met. Resist, at all costs, the urge to ask the friend what happened to your relationship. The friend will, if s/he has good boundaries, opt to stay out of it, but if not you can expect this friend to side with Disappearing Drake.

Second, craft a written communication that indicates that you know he’s OK (you checked that in #1 above) but don’t know why he’s stopped communicating. Express your feelings and let him know that you assume he won’t respond to your letter/email, but that you wanted to close the relationship from your perspective. This is the tough part. You’ll send this letter expecting that you’ll get a response from him, but you HAVE to believe that you won’t. If he’s resisted this long, your letter isn’t likely to get his attention.

Third, go through the grieving appropriate for the end of a relationship. This will be harder because you won’t know why it ended, but here’s the key: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. The BSG says this without hesitation. If something happened that resulted in this man not wanting to be in relationship with you, but which he was unwilling to talk to you about, then it’s entirely his issue. Seriously FSO, hear the BSG on this .You’ll be questioning yourself here and wondering what you could have done differently and the answer is nothing. This could be over something you did or said, or something in his life, or this could just be how he ends relationships. Either way: NOT YOUR FAULT.

The BSG doesn’t recommend confronting him, there will be no good resolution to that conversation. ~BSG~

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