Should She Boot Him?
Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been in a relationship with the same guy for a decade and a half.
I have been engaged to this same guy for about six years, right after I graduated college. We had a rough patch while I was in college due to mistrust of my friends on his part, and my perspective that he wasn’t trusting me. We have slowly been trying to repair the damage that experience caused both of us, and frankly at this point I have no idea how well we have done with that any more. Some days seem better than others. It may be important to say that while we went to college at the same time, he dropped out about a year into the whole experience and I graduated. At the time we got engaged, we were both unemployed and agreed to not get married until we could afford to live together and not to live together until we were both legally employed full time.
He hasn’t had any sort of over the table job since he quit his last one in October ’07. I have been
helping him out with his finances since then to the tune of about 500 a month. Two months ago I got my first place and was shocked when he moved in; since we had agreed that he wouldn’t move in until he had a job. I had asked him repeatedly throughout the process if he intended to stick to his end of our agreement, and each time he said yes, and kept on telling me that right up until he helped me move and then started moving his stuff in. When I called him on this he said he was going to be better able to find a job at my place rather than his mother’s house where he and his brother have been living.
At this point I am willing to bet my car that he hasn’t looked anywhere for a job, and while he donates SOME money (his food stamps) for groceries, I pay for EVERYTHING else. Moreover he keeps on ignoring all requests I make that might lessen the costs of the utilities (turn off lights, tvs, fans, space heaters etc.) This all is on top of the 500 a month I am still covering of his stuff, and EVERY time I try to talk about trimming our expenses and usage he blows me off and makes me feel guilty for even bringing it up.
I can’t help but resent all this. Especially since he seems to need a great deal of time alone, which means that I spend a great deal of time alone in my bedroom so he can spend his time playing with my cat, and messing around online? He doesn’t treat me with respect, and seems to expect me to do the cooking and the dishes, and any cleaning doesn’t involve creatively rearranging his stuff. He doesn’t listen to me, and has a hissy fit every time I can’t hear what he mutters over the constant hum of the TVs/computer/fans/space heaters. I KNOW that if our positions were reversed, If I were living off his income for a number of years, constantly asking for more money, and did NOTHING to make up for the expenses I was using, I would be called a gold-digging bitch. Hell, I’ve heard him say the same of women his brother/cousins/friends that were doing the same. I warned him that I would end up resenting him and the relationship if I were the sole support for both of us. He constantly lies to his family about when the wedding date is and expects me to back him up rather than tell the truth about why there is no wedding date, and after all this time I really don’t know if I want to get married to him if this is how it’s going to be. Every time I ask him about the job hunting, or give him possible leads to jobs he gets angry. I feel used, unwanted, unwelcome in my own home and in general unloved. As a guy, what would you recommend as a course of action? Have I somehow emasculated him? Am I just being a doormat? Am I being unreasonable? ~A Very Depressed Girlfriend~
Dear AVDP: You’re being a doormat. Dump him.
The BSG knows that the voice in your head (that seems to be in all of our heads at varying volumes) will tell you that you’ve got 15 years invested with this loser so you can’t give up now. The BSG recommends asking that voice whether, after two weeks with the flu, it thinks you should keep the flu because you’ve already got two weeks invested. Similarly, if you bought a beautiful new car off the showroom floor and drove it for 15 years, shit would start to fall off of it. At what point of leaving you stranded, broken air conditioning, torn seats and rattly wheels would you sell the damned thing to some sucker more desperate than you are?
That’s it AVDP; dump him. ~BSG~
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Says:
February 26th, 2012 at 12:35 pm
I have been lucky enough to find the right man for me, but I spent a grand total of seven years in two incredibly abusive relationships. One of them was physically abusive and the other was emotionally abusive. Some of my deepest scars can’t be seen on my skin. The thing to remember is that if you are finding yourself feeling like you need to change who YOU are to make him happy, it’s not a healthy relationship. Loving someone can make it tough to leave, especially if you keep telling yourself that it will get better or that it was good once, so it must be able to be good again… it’s not true. It doesn’t work that way. If he knows you’re not happy and he’s okay with that fact, that is even more reason to leave. Someone who loves you, should want you be happy in the relationship. Best of luck.
Says:
March 28th, 2012 at 12:52 pm
My best female friend who I’ve known since the 4th grade when I happened to be throwing the boy who was mean to her out of the tree in his front yard – we had junk food while watching more than an hour of tv (the rule at my house – one hour of tv a week…yay) and that cemented our bond as friends in an afternoon…she’s been with a guy for 7ish years now who has cheated on her unrepentantly several times and wouldn’t have bothered to tell her if he hadn’t been caught red-handed. Ok, more like caught red-keyboard and won the dumbass award for leaving a digital trail of evidence on HER computer. She’s admitted that finding out he’d strayed destroyed her emotionally, but her age (early 30′s) and appearance (ok so she’s not a supermodel, but neither am I – there are a lot of women in the non-model category so I’m not going to worry about the fact that there are women who are hotter than I am out there.) are the driving factors in her decision to continue the relationship despite the many issues besides the cheating part and the very good chance that those issues are going to continue for the foreseeable future. Those 7ish years haven’t been all that fabulous when the other stuff isn’t being considered as factors, which I’ve witnessed many of the sucky-times she’s gone through even as my last relationship was going through some seriously sucky-times of its own. Maybe trying to help her through her bad stuff was a way to escape from the bad stuff that threatened to all but drown me – and I’ve been around on the planet long enough to know that I should never volunteer advice without first being solicited for it – best friend or not. But now that I’ve dealt with and moved forward from my bad-stuff-baggage-handling, listening to her explain that the time put into this guy and that she’s “not getting any younger” before requesting my opinion on what she should do is getting to the point where I might as well tape record the answer I give her because it’s generally the same in gist though the words do vary. If she thinks she’s not getting any younger now, why is she wasting even more time than she already has on this guy – the time that’s currently passing by could be MUCH better utilized IMHO.
I’d say the same thing to VDG, though the fact that she simply acquiesced or even resigned herself to this guy moving in despite that they both knew and acknowledged the things that were supposed to have occurred before cohabitation commenced, said more to him than any words could convey. The message he got was that even when the words told him differently, that was all they were – words. He doesn’t have to live up to any of the expectations or figure out how to pay for his crap as long as she’s there and willing to do it for him simply to avoid him having hissy fits. She’s not doing him any favors by not putting her foot down and telling him he’s going to have to start paying for things and contributing to the household expenses on his own. It may cause a big fight in the immediate, but things can get a lot messier than they already are the longer things continue. Resentment in a relationship will only disappear when either a.) the relationship ends or b.) the two people discuss the issue at its fundamental roots and then make a concerted effort to stop doing things that add to the resentment and give things time so the residual resentment can be let go of. In a perfect world.
Says:
April 16th, 2012 at 8:40 am
Afte r 3 years with a guy that just wasnt in to me – he just came for a holiday and stayed on bringing nothing to the table, never working yada yada – I allowed a new start in a new town. well, after robbing every cent I owned, taking all my id papers and locking me in the house with no neighbours, mentally and verbally abusing me for a further year – all the while having affairs with the local housewives- I finally ran for my life and with the aid of the police managed to get repatriated back to my own country. With nothing but the clothes on my back. A silly teenager? No a fifty year old woman who should have seen it coming. He still tries to contact me, asking for money as he still doesnt work. Ever more emotional blackmail. How the hell do you get across this at my age. I absolutely hate myself and have no idea how Ill fit back twenty years of possessions and life together now. He insists it was my fault, that I didnt love him enough to try harder and abandoned him!!
Further I am not an uneducted untravelled ex nun! I just have never been treated like that in my life and seriously didnt expect to be. So the first scent you girls get, that he really doesnt care about your feelings, you are absolutely right to throw him and his hangups and baggage to the wind.
Says:
May 9th, 2012 at 8:29 am
When it comes to relationships compromise is certainly an important part; however, it is also important that you aren’t the only one making compromises. It sounds like you have been putting a lot on the line for this guy while he is not making a great deal of effort for you. It reminds me of an article I read regarding compromise…it’s important to bend not break. Check it out when you get a chance, you may find it helpful
http://www.relatespace.com/2011/12/04/theres-compromise-and-then-theres-compromise