Suppressing Co-Dependence
Dear Bitter Single Guy: My previous and first relationship was one of unhealthy codependence, went on much longer than we both knew it should, and became a source of regret and shame for me. I won’t pretend that both sides were at fault. I craved to be needed by this person, and was as responsible for cultivating that situation as much as he was.
I feel I took sufficient time and have done some soul-searching to make sure I was free of the baggage before allowing myself any sort of relationship.
Now, for the past few months I’ve been involved with a wonderful nurturing guy who has a social life that does not revolve around me, a clear idea of who he is, and he knows what he wants. I am not afraid that he will need me to fulfill every type of need in his life like my ex did.
In the beginning everything felt fine and natural. However, my tendency towards clinginess resurfaces sometimes despite my efforts to give him room to breathe. This includes compulsively calling to him or meeting up with him more than once a day several times a week despite our busy schedules and despite him even expressing his wish to hang out with his friends away from me. I want to stop neediness from becoming an aspect of any of my other relationships preferably before it ruins this one but certainly before it ruins the next. Have any tips for how to back up a little without becoming too distant, BSG? ~Seeking In-Dependence~
Dear SID: The Bitter Single Guy appreciates you looking to fix this problem before it rears its head again, but he’s a little concerned that your focus is on your current relationship or the next one. Gracious SID, have you already given up on this one?
The short answer is to get some therapy. Co-dependence (or over dependence or clinginess or whatever it gets called) is usually rooted in fear of abandonment. If you’ve determined (and it sounds like you have) that this is a pattern for you, then it will (as you’ve predicted) come up for you again and again in your relationships until you either dial it down or find someone who is attracted to the clingy type.
~BSG~
January 4th, 2010 at 11:24 am
I agree about the confusion between whether the issue is saving this relationship or preparing for the next one, and I do think that some therapy may also be in order. Despite that, I think that a real effort needs to be made to find a passion of one’s own that will captivate their interest and reduce the need to be so clingy in a relationship. Without such an interest all the therapy in the world will not be able to repair this problem.
January 12th, 2010 at 11:30 am
BSG–
I have got to say that simply saying “get therapy” seems to be too brief a response on an all too frequent problem. Any chance you’re willing to spend a few more minutes offering your advice?
January 19th, 2010 at 11:28 pm
My feeling is that another person can not “complete” another person. I agree that in this case therapy is needed. However, only by embarking on a journey of self-discovery can a person discover their passions and purpose – what makes one happy and fulfilled. Once that epiphany is reached, the tendency to make another person responsible for your own happiness will diminish.
January 26th, 2010 at 11:50 am
I like your response Terez. The best therapy will help you learn who you are in a relationship, the bad and the good, and will assist you in encountering the bad in a way that is healthy to you but not destructive to the relationship. Then you will be more informed when asking your partner for what you need from him/her, while at the same time being in a better position to get those things outside of the relationship. It’s a win-win.
January 29th, 2010 at 7:36 am
You all have great ideas. You see, I am going through the same problem in my relationship. Sometimes I feel like the only thing that makes me happy is him and if he can’t be there or isn’t paying enough attention to me I cry and feel sad and down. This is because I do not have much going on in my life and I really WANT to change that. Because I don’t want to lose him and even if I did I’d have the same problem in another relationship.
January 31st, 2010 at 10:04 am
Time alone. ALONE. Does wonders. I’ve gone from not being able to spend a minute alone to seriously valuing my space. I am a way better relationship partner as a result.