The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Needing Space after Being Cheated On

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Do you have advice for staying together after infidelity? How can I trust my partner again?

You always tell people that if their partner asks for space to DUMP THEM. In this case I really wanna stay with my guy, but I fear that if I stay with him while I’m working on my issues (BIG issues–depression, anger, insecurity), I’ll mess it all up. Do you think it’s ever a good move to ask for space with the intention of being together again? I’m trying to learn to control myself…but change sometimes takes time. ~Hurt and Out of Control~

Dear HOOC: The Bitter Single Guy thinks there are two things going on here: your partner cheated on you and you need some space to work on your personal issues. Let’s take those one at a time, shall we?

Staying together after infidelity: The BSG has to admit that he’s skeptical, but not completely without hope. The key question here is whether the thing that led to the infidelity is still true or not (your partner isn’t attracted to you, your partner is a serial cheater, you live far from each other and your partner has no impulse control, whatever). If the situation, perspective and feelings that led to the infidelity still exist, well then there seems to be a good chance it will happen again.

The BSG thinks that if you want to stay together after someone has cheated, you have to both REALLY want to be together and you have to be committed to moving past the Cheat. The Cheater has to be ready for some bitterness for awhile from the Cheatee and the Cheatee has to be ready to be forgiving. Again, not hopeless, but the BSG doesn’t know what the success rates are for situations like this (although he’d like to.)

Getting space to work on your stuff: The BSG doesn’t think that asking for space in your relationship to work on yourself is a bad thing. For the record, the BSG also thinks that people who don’t have the backbone to break up when it’s necessary will use this “temporary space” request as a way to pre-breakup with someone. Only you know if this is you, HOOC.

The thing about getting space to work on your depression, anger and insecurity is that both you and Charlie Cheater will spend time living your life without the other. This could very likely mean that you decide that you’re done with the relationship (or Charlie Cheater could come to that decision. A probably conclusion in the BSG’s mind, referring back to what led to the cheating in the first place).

The BSG thinks that if you need time to resolve the cheating issue alone, then it’s likely that you’re going to decide to be out of this relationship. Resolving a relationship issue by breaking up (that’s what “needing space” really is, right HOOC?) doesn’t give high hopes for reconciliation in the BSG’s mind. That said, do what you have to, HOOC. You wouldn’t be the first person who decided she (or he) couldn’t get past infidelity in a relationship even if everything else seems wonderful.

~BSG~

Dude, really?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My wife and I got married at 18. We are 23 and 24 now. I have cheated on her. I don’t think my feelings for her are the same. I’m not attracted to her anymore. She is a great partner and the two of us could be very successful together. But I want to see other women. I’m so afraid of being single. I never really dated before I got married. What should I do? ~Remorseful But Horny~

Dear RBH: C’mon, are you kidding the Bitter Single Guy with this crap? Some years ago, the BSG found that he didn’t understand the adage that he couldn’t “have his cake and eat it, too”; so he investigated. Turns out our festive language has morphed enough that this phrase is better understood as wanting to “keep your cake and eat it, too.” RBH this is you. You’re looking for a way to keep your comfy relationship (with a woman who you’re not attracted to and don’t love anymore) while being able to date (and have sex with) other women.

The Bitter Single Guy has to ask again: Are you kidding with this crap? Cheating is a surefire way to diagnose a problem in your relationship (yes, that’s the BSG being sarcastic). Then, in the mathematics of love, when you add cheating, subtract love and subtract attraction it turns out that your relationship is over and you’re basically a douche bag for trying to figure out a way to stay married while still cheating.

Man up RBH. Seriously dude, man up and take full responsibility for yourself and your actions. Tell your wife that you’ve cheated and that you aren’t in love with her. Chances are she’ll dump your douche bag ass and you’ll be able to see other women which is what you want. And this crap about being afraid of being single? WTF, RBH? You’re clearly managing to get dates while you’re married so the BSG is sure that you’ll muddle through.

The BSG would love to tell you that 18 year-olds are fully able to make forever decisions, but of course that would be a lie. Chances are that as you and your wife evolved into the adults you’re meant to be, your teenage love faded as most teenage love does (and a good bit of adult love, too).

~Bitter Single Guy~

Cheating in His Mind

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’ve been dating a man since June 2008 and we have an intimate relationship as well.  Over the past few weeks he has been forgetting my name when talking about me to his and my friends and has been calling me by my best friend’s name (this even happened the last time we spent the night together — he uttered her name twice). 

This really bothers me but he keeps insisting that I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill.  My name is my identity.  I have spoken to a few other people (both men and women) about this and their immediate reaction is to dump him and never look back.  My best friend is absolutely devastated because she has never been interested in him.  My gut instinct is to dump him like my friends have told me.  What do you think? ~Seems Simple To Me~

Dear SSTM: The Bitter Single Guy understands why you’d bring this concern to him and not to the many other advice hacks out there.  Usually the BSG can be counted on to tell you to dump some poor slob simply for the lesson it will teach. The BSG is sure that you hear the “but” that’s coming, SSTM. 

The only reason the BSG would say that you should dump this Forgetful Fellow would be if you thought he was actually cheating (or hoping to) with your best friend. You seem confident that your best friend isn’t diddling your boyfriend behind your back, so then you need to determine whether he’s hoping to make his move soon, or if he is just (in a sad, pathetic sort of way) imagining being with her while he’s with you. That, SSTM, would just be tacky.

But (and there’s the “but”, SSTM) the BSG is concerned that you say that your name is your identity.  It turns out that your name isn’t your identity at all! With fewer pen strokes than it took you to write the BSG you could change your name. Good hell, with a qualified surgeon and some chemical support, you can change your gender!  Through any of these changes, or even through nothing more than a drastic change of wardrobe, your identity always remains securely intact SSTM.  You are you and no string of letters jotted on a birth certificate will change that.

If you’re considering dumping Forgetful Fellow just because he’s forgetful, the BSG thinks you’re over reacting. Otherwise, the BSG is reminded of a line from a classic Reba McEntire song: “He said ‘Have you ever cheated on me.’ And I said ‘Only in my mind.’” Thanks Reba. ~BSG~

Boyfriend is a Hidden Bisexual

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. For the past year I’ve been having dreams of him being with a man. I’ve told him about the dreams and he would laugh and say “no I’m not gay”. Last month I did what most paranoid girlfriends do and snooped on his computer. I found an email account I didn’t know he had and logged in. I found emails from gay men, some of them very explicit. He even told one guy where he lived (his address).

Of course I was shocked so I confronted him about it and he told me he was just confused and that he knew he was straight now. Every time I bring it up he gets very angry. I need answers and I don’t feel like he’s telling the truth. Would it be wrong of me to put software on his computer that will show me what he’s been doing? I love him but this paranoia is running me crazy! ~Don’t Wanna Share~

Dear DWS: The Bitter Single Guy admits that when he read that you had been having dreams about your boyfriend being with a man, he was ready to poo-poo your paranoia, but it certainly appears to have gone beyond dreaming.

First though, the BSG has to answer your question: Yes. Emphatically yes, it would be wrong of you to put software on his computer that will show you what he’s been up to. Really DWS? You want to be that person? Are you running a prison? Besides, what do you think you’ll learn that you don’t already know?

Here’s the deal, DWS. You suspect your boyfriend is bisexual? The BSG believes you’re correct. What your Baffled Beau is defining as “confusion” is actually bisexuality. The BSG has to say though…this isn’t necessarily a bad thing for him in the larger scheme of things! It means that as his life unfolds, he gets to have rewarding relationships with women AND men!  It’s sad for those of us limited to just the one gender <sigh>.

However DWS, it’s not OK for him to explore this side of himself while he’s in a committed relationship with you. So the issue here is not whether or not he’s attracted to men, but whether he’s going to compromise his committed relationship in order to explore this other side.

The BSG believes that this should be your stance: “I don’t care who you’re attracted to; if you pursue other people for romance or sex you’re cheating on our relationship and that’s not OK”. Sadly DWS, the BSG also believes this is likely to be the end of your relationship. The BSG has watched the Coming-Out-Of-The-Closet process before and the beginnings of it often look like you describe. Doubtless your Baffled Beau wishes he were completely straight, but that ship seems to have sailed.

The BSG recommends being as compassionate for Baffled Beau as you can be as he navigates these new waters, but also recommends that you set a firm boundary about what your commitment means. ~BSG~

Breaking Out of A Rut

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’ve been dating a guy off and on for about a year. We’re juniors in college and the off periods have pretty much always been because we’re both a little weary of serious relationships. About 3 months ago, he made out with a friend of mine while I was in the next room (right after we had had sex, actually.) He stopped the kissing pretty soon after it started, which both he and the girl told me.

We broke up, got back together, broke up again. After dating for so long, we’ve become really close and I really do love him. I’ve met his family and we get along great. He asked if we could be friends while he gets his shit together because I think he realized that he really screwed up. I feel like I have two choices: try to stay friends and give him a second chance at being someone worth trusting OR decide he’s a complete douche and move on.

I don’t want to be unforgiving, and I miss him like crazy when I don’t see him, but I don’t want to be that stupid girl that lets the asshole string her along forever. He says he loves me and he gets this sad look on his face every time he sees me and I know that people make mistakes, but I don’t want to set myself up to get hurt again. What should I do? ~Unsure Of Him~

Dear UOH: The Bitter Single Guy wants you to entertain the idea that taking him back or deciding that he’s a douche and moving on are not the only choices here.

As you describe your relationship, the BSG believes that you’re both just hanging on to this relationship because it’s easy, even though neither of you is very invested anymore. The BSG thinks you should take Cheating Chap’s incredibly tacky move (really? Just after you had sex? C’mon, now.) as the clear sign that it’s past time to amicably move the hell on. This will be hard because clearly your relationship is like the comfortable rut that you fall into because it’s easier than blazing a new trail. Heck you two have even made a rut out of breaking up and getting back together!

You’re done, UOH. Be the bigger person and tell Cheating Chap that he’s getting what he wanted…to be single. The BSG also recommends a no-contact time in order to keep from falling back into that comfy rut. ~BSG~