The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Know When It’s Time to Get Out

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I love your column! I just found your website and I just had to write. I’ll try to break this all down to be quick and simple, although it is quite complicated. (At least to me anyway).

I began dating a guy from work about 5 years ago and we work in separate locations so we don’t see each other daily. We’ve had many ups and downs. He has been unfaithful during our “off and on” relationship. I don’t see it as off and on. He would do something stupid like say “I’ll be over in 30 minutes to pick you up for dinner” and then show up 1 1/2 hours later saying he was late and “grabbed a bite to eat”. (Because of free food at a local salsa club). I would get angry and he would not call me for a week or so. Things like that happen often. I met his kids after 3 years of dating although he has met mine and been to my house frequently. Spends the night and has dinner with my family, etc. I cannot go to his home because he lives with his mother and grown brother and the house is a “wreck” so he says. I have been to his home a few times and it was filthy and in a bad neighborhood. He does something to make me upset, then uses me being upset as a reason to not talk to me and let me cool down. It is a game with him. I really need to let go but I don’t know how. What is wrong with me? Why am I so attached to him? He told me a couple of years ago that he wanted to wait until his kids graduated high school to get into a serious relationship with me. I consider it serious and he doesn’t. His kids are graduating this year and now he says he wants to wait until they graduate from college! What?!? Also, he is very close with his ex-girlfriend’s 18 year old daughter. He does so much for her. He pretty much treats her like his own although she lives 1 hour away. He has said that when he buys a house, her and his biological son will move into the house together. I’m nowhere in that equation. Me or my sons are not mentioned.

Through all of this I found out two months ago that I was pregnant. I told him and he immediately said to get an abortion. He then began to distance himself. I mentioned keeping the baby and he flipped out. Yelled, screamed and said things like “what the f*** is wrong with you”! , “did you think I would marry you?” “I won’t pick up that kid on weekends”, and “call me in 9 months and tell me how much f****ng money I have to pay you each month”.

Needless to say the stress of the situation persuaded me to have an abortion. I made that choice for several reasons. Some many say I was being selfish. I don’t know. I guess I thought for the most part that I would clear things up with him and that he would believe me that I didn’t plan to get pregnant. It was an accident. I had complication after the abortion and was sick for almost a month. During that time he was distant. After I began feeling better he continued to be distant. He said that we need to have a “talk”. He has done this before and ends up coming around and says things like “why can’t I stay away from you?” I told him that I want a normal relationship (he had said many times that he is “abnormal” and incapable of being in a normal relationship), and he responded with “we cannot have a normal relationship because of MY personality”. I was floored. I have bent over backwards to be the ideal girlfriend to him. I am tolerant, forgiving, kind, accommodating, and most of all show him love. He is quite cold emotionally and takes nothing in life seriously. He procrastinates, doesn’t finish things he starts and is non-committal about lots of things in life. I would label him as a sociopath but I do not have a degree in psychology to back me on that. I love him and I feel he doesn’t truly love me. I am lonely and sad. I want so badly to have a normal boyfriend. I have invested 5+ years with this person and there have been many good times. I just don’t think things will ever progress and the way he acts by being hot and cold to me is damaging to my self-esteem. It affects me physically and emotionally. I could write so much more but I’m trying to summarize it all here. I keep thinking that things will get better and know that relationships take time to mature. Things have progressed but extremely slowly. That has to be abnormal. Thank you for any advice you have for me. I will take it to heart and make changes in my relationship with this person. ~Frantic For Help~

• Why are you in this relationship? You’ve invested 5 years? If you invested in stock that continually lost money year after year after year, how long before you’d finally sell it? If you bought a lamp that you liked at first, but as your home changed, the lamp just didn’t look right, how long would you keep that lamp? Get out.
• You say “I love him and feel he doesn’t truly love me.” What information do you need beyond this? Get out.
• You want a normal relationship but he admits he’s not able to provide that? This is like you going to a deli and saying that you want turkey and all they have is ham. Find another deli. Get out.
• He’s making plans for a future that doesn’t seem to include you and you are doing nothing but planning for your future with him. This is whack.  Get out.
• Free food at a local salsa club caused him to be an hour late to meet you? Is he kidding you and the BSG with this ridiculous and insulting lie? Get out.
• Get out get out get out get out.

FFH, this dude will not ever end this damaged relationship…why would he, when it seems to work out fine for him? You have to set a boundary. Not on-again-off-again. Off. Relationships are supposed to add value to your life above the experience of being single. If being in a relationship isn’t better than being single…you guessed it…get out.

Find a friend or counselor or therapist who can help you understand how you got into this and can help you grieve the loss of the relationship. Regardless of how right the decision to breakup is, it will still require a time of grieving. Make room for yourself also to grieve the loss of your baby; the BSG recommends finding someone to help you with that, too.  Good luck FFH. ~BSG~

Needing Space after Being Cheated On

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Do you have advice for staying together after infidelity? How can I trust my partner again?

You always tell people that if their partner asks for space to DUMP THEM. In this case I really wanna stay with my guy, but I fear that if I stay with him while I’m working on my issues (BIG issues–depression, anger, insecurity), I’ll mess it all up. Do you think it’s ever a good move to ask for space with the intention of being together again? I’m trying to learn to control myself…but change sometimes takes time. ~Hurt and Out of Control~

Dear HOOC: The Bitter Single Guy thinks there are two things going on here: your partner cheated on you and you need some space to work on your personal issues. Let’s take those one at a time, shall we?

Staying together after infidelity: The BSG has to admit that he’s skeptical, but not completely without hope. The key question here is whether the thing that led to the infidelity is still true or not (your partner isn’t attracted to you, your partner is a serial cheater, you live far from each other and your partner has no impulse control, whatever). If the situation, perspective and feelings that led to the infidelity still exist, well then there seems to be a good chance it will happen again.

The BSG thinks that if you want to stay together after someone has cheated, you have to both REALLY want to be together and you have to be committed to moving past the Cheat. The Cheater has to be ready for some bitterness for awhile from the Cheatee and the Cheatee has to be ready to be forgiving. Again, not hopeless, but the BSG doesn’t know what the success rates are for situations like this (although he’d like to.)

Getting space to work on your stuff: The BSG doesn’t think that asking for space in your relationship to work on yourself is a bad thing. For the record, the BSG also thinks that people who don’t have the backbone to break up when it’s necessary will use this “temporary space” request as a way to pre-breakup with someone. Only you know if this is you, HOOC.

The thing about getting space to work on your depression, anger and insecurity is that both you and Charlie Cheater will spend time living your life without the other. This could very likely mean that you decide that you’re done with the relationship (or Charlie Cheater could come to that decision. A probably conclusion in the BSG’s mind, referring back to what led to the cheating in the first place).

The BSG thinks that if you need time to resolve the cheating issue alone, then it’s likely that you’re going to decide to be out of this relationship. Resolving a relationship issue by breaking up (that’s what “needing space” really is, right HOOC?) doesn’t give high hopes for reconciliation in the BSG’s mind. That said, do what you have to, HOOC. You wouldn’t be the first person who decided she (or he) couldn’t get past infidelity in a relationship even if everything else seems wonderful.

~BSG~

Dude, really?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My wife and I got married at 18. We are 23 and 24 now. I have cheated on her. I don’t think my feelings for her are the same. I’m not attracted to her anymore. She is a great partner and the two of us could be very successful together. But I want to see other women. I’m so afraid of being single. I never really dated before I got married. What should I do? ~Remorseful But Horny~

Dear RBH: C’mon, are you kidding the Bitter Single Guy with this crap? Some years ago, the BSG found that he didn’t understand the adage that he couldn’t “have his cake and eat it, too”; so he investigated. Turns out our festive language has morphed enough that this phrase is better understood as wanting to “keep your cake and eat it, too.” RBH this is you. You’re looking for a way to keep your comfy relationship (with a woman who you’re not attracted to and don’t love anymore) while being able to date (and have sex with) other women.

The Bitter Single Guy has to ask again: Are you kidding with this crap? Cheating is a surefire way to diagnose a problem in your relationship (yes, that’s the BSG being sarcastic). Then, in the mathematics of love, when you add cheating, subtract love and subtract attraction it turns out that your relationship is over and you’re basically a douche bag for trying to figure out a way to stay married while still cheating.

Man up RBH. Seriously dude, man up and take full responsibility for yourself and your actions. Tell your wife that you’ve cheated and that you aren’t in love with her. Chances are she’ll dump your douche bag ass and you’ll be able to see other women which is what you want. And this crap about being afraid of being single? WTF, RBH? You’re clearly managing to get dates while you’re married so the BSG is sure that you’ll muddle through.

The BSG would love to tell you that 18 year-olds are fully able to make forever decisions, but of course that would be a lie. Chances are that as you and your wife evolved into the adults you’re meant to be, your teenage love faded as most teenage love does (and a good bit of adult love, too).

~Bitter Single Guy~

Cheating in His Mind

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’ve been dating a man since June 2008 and we have an intimate relationship as well.  Over the past few weeks he has been forgetting my name when talking about me to his and my friends and has been calling me by my best friend’s name (this even happened the last time we spent the night together — he uttered her name twice). 

This really bothers me but he keeps insisting that I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill.  My name is my identity.  I have spoken to a few other people (both men and women) about this and their immediate reaction is to dump him and never look back.  My best friend is absolutely devastated because she has never been interested in him.  My gut instinct is to dump him like my friends have told me.  What do you think? ~Seems Simple To Me~

Dear SSTM: The Bitter Single Guy understands why you’d bring this concern to him and not to the many other advice hacks out there.  Usually the BSG can be counted on to tell you to dump some poor slob simply for the lesson it will teach. The BSG is sure that you hear the “but” that’s coming, SSTM. 

The only reason the BSG would say that you should dump this Forgetful Fellow would be if you thought he was actually cheating (or hoping to) with your best friend. You seem confident that your best friend isn’t diddling your boyfriend behind your back, so then you need to determine whether he’s hoping to make his move soon, or if he is just (in a sad, pathetic sort of way) imagining being with her while he’s with you. That, SSTM, would just be tacky.

But (and there’s the “but”, SSTM) the BSG is concerned that you say that your name is your identity.  It turns out that your name isn’t your identity at all! With fewer pen strokes than it took you to write the BSG you could change your name. Good hell, with a qualified surgeon and some chemical support, you can change your gender!  Through any of these changes, or even through nothing more than a drastic change of wardrobe, your identity always remains securely intact SSTM.  You are you and no string of letters jotted on a birth certificate will change that.

If you’re considering dumping Forgetful Fellow just because he’s forgetful, the BSG thinks you’re over reacting. Otherwise, the BSG is reminded of a line from a classic Reba McEntire song: “He said ‘Have you ever cheated on me.’ And I said ‘Only in my mind.’” Thanks Reba. ~BSG~

Boyfriend is a Hidden Bisexual

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. For the past year I’ve been having dreams of him being with a man. I’ve told him about the dreams and he would laugh and say “no I’m not gay”. Last month I did what most paranoid girlfriends do and snooped on his computer. I found an email account I didn’t know he had and logged in. I found emails from gay men, some of them very explicit. He even told one guy where he lived (his address).

Of course I was shocked so I confronted him about it and he told me he was just confused and that he knew he was straight now. Every time I bring it up he gets very angry. I need answers and I don’t feel like he’s telling the truth. Would it be wrong of me to put software on his computer that will show me what he’s been doing? I love him but this paranoia is running me crazy! ~Don’t Wanna Share~

Dear DWS: The Bitter Single Guy admits that when he read that you had been having dreams about your boyfriend being with a man, he was ready to poo-poo your paranoia, but it certainly appears to have gone beyond dreaming.

First though, the BSG has to answer your question: Yes. Emphatically yes, it would be wrong of you to put software on his computer that will show you what he’s been up to. Really DWS? You want to be that person? Are you running a prison? Besides, what do you think you’ll learn that you don’t already know?

Here’s the deal, DWS. You suspect your boyfriend is bisexual? The BSG believes you’re correct. What your Baffled Beau is defining as “confusion” is actually bisexuality. The BSG has to say though…this isn’t necessarily a bad thing for him in the larger scheme of things! It means that as his life unfolds, he gets to have rewarding relationships with women AND men!  It’s sad for those of us limited to just the one gender <sigh>.

However DWS, it’s not OK for him to explore this side of himself while he’s in a committed relationship with you. So the issue here is not whether or not he’s attracted to men, but whether he’s going to compromise his committed relationship in order to explore this other side.

The BSG believes that this should be your stance: “I don’t care who you’re attracted to; if you pursue other people for romance or sex you’re cheating on our relationship and that’s not OK”. Sadly DWS, the BSG also believes this is likely to be the end of your relationship. The BSG has watched the Coming-Out-Of-The-Closet process before and the beginnings of it often look like you describe. Doubtless your Baffled Beau wishes he were completely straight, but that ship seems to have sailed.

The BSG recommends being as compassionate for Baffled Beau as you can be as he navigates these new waters, but also recommends that you set a firm boundary about what your commitment means. ~BSG~