The Bitter Single Guy's Relationship Advice

Sucker Punched

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m destroyed. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. I love him very much and for the most part he makes me very happy. I am 5 years older than him (30 and 25). Recently after my support and encouragement he applied to and was accepted to grad school in another state. I have been nothing but happy for him. We went and visited the school and city to get a vibe. We have openly discussed that this is a huge deal that is going to require a great deal of time, energy, money etc.

I am more than willing to give him the space this requires. I had been planning to go and take the time to refocus my own career. I just want to be supportive and do what’s right to keep this relationship moving forward. Lately he has grown very distant and stand-offish. I knew it was coming from anxiety about all the upcoming changes. I called him on it, said I wanted to clear the air so we could talk about the scary stuff and the exciting stuff.

He told me he doesn’t want me to come because moving our relationship to another state=marriage and babies. I try to reassure him that is not the case. That, yes, I hope for those things one day but that I see these next couple years as time to focus on our careers. That this is just moving our existing relationship to a different zip code. That true, nothing is a sure thing but he is worth the risk to me and I hope I am to him as well. Well, it seems that I am not. I am as good as dumped with the rug snatched right out from under me! A complete sucker punch! How did this happen? What is he thinking??? ~Sucker Punched~

Dear SP: Oh gracious, the Bitter Single Guy wants to give you a big jiggly hug right now, and not in that creepy way.

SP you know how this happened and you know what he’s thinking, it’s just the evil painful awful truth about being dumped. Sometimes relationships end even when everyone does everything right.

Your ex-boyfriend (get used to that term) might be too freaked out by grad school to be feel comfortable in a relationship and he’s not far off the mark; the interwebs are rife with stories of horrible relationships ending horribly because one person focused entirely on the academic process to the exclusion of her or his relationship. The BSG himself ended a relationship rather than move across the country to a cold new town. The BSG imagined himself buried in a strange apartment behind snow drifts the size of tractors while his significant other was attending festive late night study groups. The BSG’s imagination couldn’t keep him from picturing scenes from The Shining, so he decided it was time to pull the plug.

SP, of course the other possibility that you have to entertain is that your ex-boyfriend (it hurts each time for a while) just wasn’t invested enough in your relationship to stick it out through grad school. The BSG only points this out because if Scholarly Sammy gets to school and immediately starts dating someone you’ll feel like he told evil painful awful lies to you when in fact he may have just realized that going away to graduate school was the opportunity to end a relationship in which he didn’t see a future.

Either way, it’s what it seems to be. You’ve been dumped and it sucks. Once the sting starts to fade, the BSG recommends cutting Scholarly Sammy a tiny bit of slack as the BSG thinks it wasn’t easy for him to step away. Good luck healing, SP. ~BSG~

“Serious” commitment

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been dating my current girlfriend for 3 years. We have been “serious” for about two and a half of those and have never had any major problems between us. However she has been acting really weird lately.

In April, I decided to forgo getting a Masters degree in my current major and go to law school (we are both seniors in college). At first she seemed to be fine with the decision, and even encouraged it. But in the past 2 weeks or so she’s been questioning my commitment to her, citing the fact I changed my career path which would postpone any long term plans, like marriage. She’s now just flat out bitter about it, saying “Whatever” and “Sure” when I say I love you.

She’s now limiting our phone calls and I’m barely pulling stuff out of her on the phone. I have no clue what’s going on. Do you have an idea BSG? ~Standing Out in The Cold~

Dear SOTC: This is a tough one. The Bitter Single Guy can actually identify with both you and your Grumpy Gardenia. You’re both in that stage of life planning that many young North American adults face where you have a plan for making money (work) that involves spending money (college). You don’t say whether or not your decision requires a change in geography, but that’s often the case. The BSG lays this out for you because he doesn’t want you or Grumpy Gardenia to think that your situation is so unique that there are no examples to learn from.

Here’s the breakdown SOTC. You and Grumpy Gardenia have been planning a life together after college (This is what the BSG assumes from your statement that your relationship has been “serious” for two and a half years). But although you were planning a life together, you apparently made a decision about your future that didn’t include her. So, she’s probably wondering, how “serious” are we if he’s making decisions about our future without me?

Do you get why Grumpy Gardenia is grumpy? The BSG certainly does.

SOTC, you need to decide whether you are working on a conjoint future with Grumpy Gardenia or not. Iif you are, well then you committed a faux pas by planning for your conjoint future without her. If getting “serious” (putting it in quotes doesn’t define it any more than leaving the quotes off, the BSG thinks) just meant an exclusive commitment without a commitment for the future, well you need to talk about that with Grumpy Gardenia.

Otherwise, and this is likely to be her sticking point soon if it isn’t already, she may be putting her own plans on hold because she’s making plans for the two of you while your plans mostly include yourself.

Now that he’s beaten up on you a little the BSG will say that you’re in a tough spot. If you wrote to him to say that you were putting off your plans for higher education so you could get married and have kids, he would likely castigate you for making a hasty decision so it’s sort of a lose-lose situation for you. But take comfort in the fact that you’re in the exact situation that MANY other young North American adults are in at about your age.  Good luck. ~BSG~

Sort-of Dumped

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My boyfriend recently graduated college, while I’ve got two years left. We’d discussed making it work and all, and he was pretty optimistic. But then, out plans didn’t turn out right. He got an internship which doesn’t pay, forcing him to get another job, which equals a lot of work. Due to this, he claims he suddenly just doesn’t see how he’ll have time for any relationship at all since he’ll be working all the time and lives 2 hours away. He says there will be no dating others for him and no random sex, as he has no time which is why we’re not together. Though, if this changes and when time is right, I’ll be the first to know and first pick. He claims this just isn’t the right time and he won’t write it off for the future. Problem is, he’ll be working like this for at least a year. So unless he changes his mind sooner which I’m hoping..that’s the time frame. Of course I want to wait. He tells me not to because it’s not fair. Please tell me what I should really do. He seems like he’s having an early mid-life crisis. HELP. ~Sort-of Dumped~

Dear SOD: The Bitter Single Guy knows that higher education has ruined more relationships than yours and is bummed for you. The BSG doesn’t think this qualifies as an early mid-life crisis though (that’s still probably awaiting Freaked Out Guy in the future), he thinks this is just a natural reaction to the time commitment he’s just made to a job and an internship.

The BSG thinks this is just a classic dumping. He is choosing his education and career over you. Although the BSG is aware that there are nuances and fine print and ‘yeah, but’ exceptions the fact is that he’s not willing to dump the job/internship so he’s dumped you.

The BSG recommends treating this as an actual dumping, but not a “it’s not you it’s me” sort of dumping.  This is more a situational dumping. Although that doesn’t mean a lot today, if there’s ever a chance to get back together that will mean a great deal.

SOD, the BSG thinks you need to get used to being single. If you hold yourself in limbo while you wait out his year-long internship several things could happen:

·         He could decide after a year that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore: you’ll feel betrayed.

·         He could get another (similarly critical) internship that prevents him from getting back together: you’ll feel betrayed.

·         He could find someone in the middle of his internship who is important enough to him that he finds a way to make it work: you’ll feel betrayed.

·         It all works out as planned and you’re happy together forever, except that you’ll know that his work will likely come before you: you’ll feel ready for future betrayal.

Getting the picture here, SOD? Unless you look out for yourself here, no one else will. Blame him or don’t blame him…the BSG doesn’t care. Just pull in your defenses and let him go. ~BSG~

Long Distance Love

Dear Bitter Single Guy: To start off I love your website. It has really given me an insight in relationships that I haven’t had before.

Well here I go. I am 19 years old. I took a year off from school because of financial reasons. I’ve only had one previous relationship until a couple of months ago. I met this guy through an online game and clicked with him. He is 21 and lives in Indiana (I live in Florida). We talked for some weeks and we started developing feelings towards each other. He told me that I am everything he has ever looked for, and also that he would love to be with me forever.

When he told me that I became really confused because after all I am still very young. We decided to stop talking for some days and after a couple of days we started talking again. We have deep feelings towards each other and I really do love him. I am worried what might happen in the future. He told me that for him the long distance did not matter and after I start school in fall we will be able to see each other more frequently (I am going to school in Rhode Island).

What specifically worries me is that we are very different. We have different ideas in religion, society, music, books, etc. Even through all of this he still loves me and he still tells me he wants to be with me forever. I am still really skeptical and scared. What can I do? ~In Long Distance Love~

Dear ILDL: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you are one of the smartest and most eloquent 19 year olds who have ever written him! He has high hopes for your future, ILDL.  That aside, the BSG doesn’t think your relationship has any hopes whatsoever.

First, because he’s that literal guy, the BSG had to do a quick check of Lion-Hearted Lad’s math. The BSG’s quick look found that, even assuming the middle of Florida (Orlando) and not the end, the difference in miles between Florida and Indiana isn’t really much more than the distance from Rhode Island to Indiana. Perhaps the BSG has a different take on the whole space-time continuum, but this was his first suspicion that Lion-Hearted Lad is not firing on all cylinders.

Mileage estimates aside ILDL, the BSG just has to tell you that the chances of this relationship working out are similar to the chances of winning the lottery. And, like the lottery, there are people who occasionally win and it is fun to think about how great it would be to win, but that doesn’t change the fact that the VAST majority of folks who hope they win the lottery don’t. Similarly, the vast majority of folks who enter into a long-distance relationship with the hopes that it will be successful are disappointed.

Here’s what you have to do ILDL: tell Lion-Hearted Lad that you care deeply for him and look forward to continuing your long distance communication once you get to school, but that you can’t be in a long distance relationship with him. At this point, the BSG thinks you can safely make an excuse up, or can be honest with him. It won’t matter much because if Lion-Hearted Lad is willing to make a forever-promise to someone he only communicates with online, then he’s going to make up whatever story he wants to explain your departure.

But depart you must. Otherwise, you’ll drag this out and be forced to end it when it just gets weirder than it already is.

By the way, please don’t tell the BSG that your love for Lion-Hearted Lad hasn’t yet included exchanging pictures of each other or a live conversation on the phone. If that’s true, the BSG wants to take back some of his comments about your brilliance in the beginning of his letter. If that’s true, he wants you to let the common sense voice in your head (that you’ve been drowning out for the past months) finally be heard. Good luck in school. ~BSG~

Avoiding Long Distance Drama

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I am 19 years old, and I am currently taking a year off from school. I am set to go to Brown next year. Around a month ago I met a guy online. We clicked fast, really fast. We don’t have everything in common, but we kind of complement each other. I saw him online and he saw me. We are both attracted to each other. We talked for hours, and texted each other often. I have never felt this way about anyone before. He has had many girlfriends before, I have had only one boyfriend. But this is the first time I think I’ve fallen in love with someone.

There was one huge problem however, I live in Miami and he lives in Indianapolis. After weeks of this going on I became confused and worried that this was not going to work. After all we live very far from each other and I am going to start school in another state. I have heard that most long term relationships don’t work. I told him this one day. Later that day he told me that he loved me and that he had never felt about anyone this way. He is also willing to wait for me. All this went on in less than a month. I love talking to him, and I have feelings for him. At the same time, we live far. Also, I have not dated more guys and I feel that if I fall too far for this guy I will be missing many opportunities in the future. After hours of talking we came to the conclusion that we need to stop talking to each other until I figure out what I want. Either way he told me that he loves me. I am very confused. I don’t know what to do. Help? ~Looking At Long Distance~

Dear LALD: You’re right, this isn’t going to work.

The Bitter Single Guy doesn’t feel like stringing you along like Long-Distance Lad is doing, so he’s just saying it out loud: this relationship is doomed. The pressure of long distance, you not being sure what you want and starting school will all prove to be too much for your fledgling love.

Tell Long-Distance Lad that you love him too, but one of you has to be strong for both of you (suddenly, this is like an after-school special), so you have to tell him goodbye. Go to college, meet boys, have dates…it’s your destiny. ~BSG~