The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

New Year’s Eve Anonymous Confession

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I spent New Year’s Eve with my family in a time zone 2 hours ahead of where I live.  So when my phone rang at 1:45am, while I was sleeping in the same room as mother, I answered it in a great deal of confusion.  A male voice asked whether he was talking to me, and I said “yes?”  The voice on the other end of the phone then proceeded to say: “I have always loved you.”  I was stunned, groggy, didn’t know what else to say, didn’t want to wake my mother, and had no idea to whom I was speaking — other than that it wasn’t my current flame, who has a decided accent.  So I wrote it off as either a practical joke or a little bit of kindness floating around in the world.

Fast forward to late March, and I received a voicemail from an old family friend — someone I’ve always viewed as a rather messed-up older brother — saying that he thinks he owes me an apology “from about three and a half months ago” and “if you don’t call back, I guess I’ll understand.”

So here’s the quandry: what do I do?  I have NO romantic interest in Old Family Friend, and what I want is to completely ignore the situation and hope that when I see Old Family Friend sometime this spring (which is likely), we can be cordial with each other. However, I know that he’s at a low point in his life right now (I suspect mid-life crisis, depression, substance abuse, the works).  I don’t want to be unfair to someone who might need my support. ~Might Have a Stalker~

Dear MHS: The Bitter Single Guy thinks it’s hella noble of you to spend as much time considering Old Family Friend’s feelings and life situation while you ponder how to respond. But the BSG doesn’t think that’s the right approach here. Whether mid-life crisis or depression or something worse, Old Family Friend lives by the same social rules that you and the BSG live with. Calling someone (the BSG hopes it was Drunk Dialing, because if he called you out of the blue while totally sober, well that’s just creepy) on New Year’s Eve to pronounce your love with no warning is just tacky.  The BSG assumes, given the mid-life crisis possibility, that Old Family Friend isn’t 15, which would make this behavior just as tacky, but understandable.

MHS, don’t ignore this. If you actually care a whit for Old Family Friend you’ll expect him to deal with you appropriately which includes honest communication. He has a right to express his attraction to you in a socially acceptable fashion, by inviting you to coffee or some such innocent activity. You, of course, also have the right to demur in equally socially acceptable ways. Since he’s chosen to go the 15 year old route, the BSG hopes you still decide to be the adult.

The BSG doesn’t usually recommend email, but in this case he would allow it because the impersonal nature of an email would emphasize your point. “Dear Old Family Friend: I got your voicemail and appreciate you clearing up the mystery of who woke me from a sound sleep on New Year’s Eve. I accept your apology and appreciate you letting me know that it was you. While I appreciate our family friendship, that’s the extent of my interest in our relationship. I understand how these misunderstanding can happen however, and am sure we’ll laugh about it when we see each other this spring.”

The BSG thinks this approach can both preserve the cordiality of your relationship while making it clear that his confession wasn’t welcome. The likely result is that Old Family Friend will be hugely embarrassed, which will be appropriate. It’s likely that he’s entertaining a tiny little fantasy that you’ll be similarly smitten, otherwise he wouldn’t have left you the voicemail. Your job now is to crush that tiny little fantasy. The BSG has toal faith in you here, MHS.

~BSG~

Best Friends And Boyfriends

Dear Bitter Single Guy: A couple of weeks ago, my best guy friend and I decided to (finally!) date.

The problem is, I’m not sure I feel the way I’m supposed to. I’m used to being in a relationship where I’m high from all the mushy-gushy feelings one minute, and then overcome with lust the next. With “Drew”, it’s not like that. It’s just normal. Now, since none of my past relationships worked out, maybe I’m on to something with what I’ve got with “Drew”. I just don’t know…

He’s the perfect guy on paper – intelligent, funny, sweet, tall, attractive–but he doesn’t give me butterflies in my tummy. I guess what I want to know is how I whether or not I should break up with him. And if I should, how can I do that without losing his friendship? ~GF Without Butterflies~

Dear GFWB: The Bitter Single Guy knows how frustrating the lack of butterflies can be…damned butterflies.  He wishes (as you do) that on-paper attraction was just like butterfly-inducing attraction but we both know that it’s not.

Before he gets to your question about how to break up, the BSG wants to spend a moment on the relationship itself. The BSG’s experience is that butterflies (damned butterflies) are often present early in relationships and get activated because you’re learning festive and surprising new stuff about someone. Deciding to take an existing friendship to the next level means there are likely to be fewer festive surprises; resulting in the damned butterflies slumbering through your courtship. The only reason the BSG points this out is that those damned butterflies eventually quiet down anyway and more than one person has found that in the absence of the unsettling feeling that they’re going to puke at any minute, there isn’t much to their relationship.

The BSG doesn’t think this is a bad thing because relationships aren’t (in the BSG’s opinion) made to last, but many folks are surprised by having to make a relationship work when it’s not all sparky and butterfly-y all the damned time. 

So GFWB, all this is to say that if you’re missing the butterflies simply because you don’t know how to start a relationship without feeling unbalanced and unable to sleep (damned butterflies), then perhaps you should look closer to see if you’ve jumped right to the comfy part of a relationship.  To be clear, this does NOT mean that your BF shouldn’t make your toes curl a little when he licks your ear lobe (or you know…whatever). It just means that you might want to think twice before you bail, lest you become one of those unfortunates (the BSG knows these people; maybe you do, too) who are so addicted to the damned butterflies in the early stage of a relationship that they sabotage every relationship when it gets comfortable. While this keeps the excitement alive, it’s not a pretty pattern when one is in one’s 50’s and beyond (some might say).

OK GFWB, all that aside…your question was how to breakup without losing his friendship. Bummer Dude; it’s probably not possible for all the reasons you think. Unless, assuming you and your beau have the luck of the lotto, you are both feeling exactly the same thing at exactly the same time and are able to articulate it sufficiently well to avoid any weirdness. Not likely, but sometimes we all buy lottery tickets, right?

~BSG~