The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Ending It Properly

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I was seeing this guy for about 4 months, and I got a little lost in the sex haze and didn’t see that that was pretty much all we had… over Halloween it fell apart when I tried to hang out with him without fooling around… not badly, but he was cold and I was annoyed that he was cold, and one thing led to another and he pulled the “I won’t call you and hope you get the message” card. I got the message.

My question is: Should I send him some sort of email to officially solidify the breakup, state that I’m not mad and then berate him gently for not doing it like a man? If so, what should I write? I know the answer is probably Let sleeping dogs lie… but I just want to make sure that I will lose face if I acknowledge this cowardly behavior… ~Want the Last Word~

Dear WLW: The Bitter Single Guy isn’t always a fan of letting sleeping dogs lie, sometimes poking that dog with a stick teaches him not to sleep by the door where he can get stepped on. The question is whether you’re ready to re-engage in this conversation if he has a clever response and doesn’t just tuck his tail between his legs.

The BSG applauds (clap, clap, clap) your realization that your time with your Charming Cur was mostly about the bump-bump and not so much about the relationshippy stuff, but the BSG wonders if you shared this with Charming Cur before changing the rules? If you decided on your own that your time together should be something other than sex but didn’t communicate that to Charming Cur, then there’s a good chance he interpreted that as disinterest on your part. While the BSG wishes that we all could just say what we mean sometimes, even the BSG has been guilty of just hoping that stuff gets communicated without having to say it (yes, even the BSG).

So WLW, assuming you made sure your own house was clean before criticizing Charming Cur’s house, the BSG recommends taking the high road. Here’s one thought:

“Hey there, since I haven’t heard from you I’m assuming that we’re done, which is what I was thinking anyway. It was fun hanging out for a couple of months, but I guess there wasn’t much past the physical stuff for us.”

The important thing here is that if you’re going to send this casual, lighthearted email with the expectation that you might NEVER hear from Charming Cur again, then you’re in the right head-space. If however, you’re expecting this last shot to open a dialogue, this is likely to backfire on you.

In summary, while it’s fun to get the last word, you have to position it correctly or you’ll end up losing the upper hand. Be strong, WLW. ~BSG~

Did He Break Up With Me?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: First I must write that you really aren’t so bitter after all. From your posts I read a lot of well-intentioned wisdom, which has prompted my email. (~Awww…gosh thanks~)

OK, so I’ve been seeing this guy long distance since October 2008. He’s 35, I’m 28, neither of us have been married. I’ve met his entire family, gone to birthday parties, holiday events, etc with him. He recently quit his job to go back to school to pursue another career. I supported this decision. Recently I asked him to come visit me, but got no response. Within the last month he has become quite distant from towards me. Not returning my calls as consistently as he used to, emails, etc. What did I do? Was I wrong to ask him to come see me? Why cold all of a sudden? Should I wait for him to call or call him? Is he done with me?

My parents think he can’t commit to anything, and that’s the reason for his behavior. But I don’t think so. Are some guys lifelong bachelors? He lives with an older brother who is also not married. ~Thinking I’m Single~

Dear TIS: OK, the BSG hopes this ship hasn’t sailed, but it’s so rare that we get to reclaim power in a potential dumpee situation that he thinks you need to act fast. For reference, the BSG is referring to the fact that everyone at some point gets dumped and everyone at some point dumps someone (if you’re in the game, that is). The nature of the dump-er and dump-ee dynamic is that you have more power as the dumper than you do the dumpee. UnLESS you can effect a preemptive dumping and that’s the plan for you TIS.

What helps you in this is that Spineless Jellyfish Man is apparently using the ever-popular breakup-by-proxy approach…which is to say; he’s going to go dark and wait for you to “get the message”. The BSG loves to hear people talk about this as if it’s legitimate. “I stopped calling him two weeks ago, can’t he get the message?” <giggles callously> Tacky, tacky, tacky.

Don’t wait for him to respond to your questions about coming to visit, don’t extend another offer. Do this: Call him and say something like “Since you’ve moved away to school, it seems we’ve grown distant and I’m sensing that our relationship is over for you. I can understand how that can happen. Call me if you want to get together sometime…otherwise good luck.”

This will get his attention, without a doubt. He’ll either act all innocent about his behavior being called out and call you with a bunch of “I NEVER meant that!” talk, or he’ll take the “get out of jail free card” you’ve offered and will simply continue not to communicate.The BSG suspects the former. That’s the way of Spineless Jellyfish Men.

Either way, the power is now yours as the dumper! It won’t feel good…that ship has already sailed…but it will allow the recovery time to be significantly less.

By the way, to your question about whether some men are lifelong bachelors: Sure some are. It’s easy to say it’s because of fear of commitment, but in the BSG’s mind there are a ton of reasons why a person (man or woman) would spend his or her life single. That’s for another post.

~BSG~

There Must Be SOMEthing I Can Do!

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I got dumped by my girlfriend of a year and a half, we are both in college and go to school in different states, but the distance was never a problem. I tried to visit her as much as I could and every time I saw her it was nice and we had a lot of fun. Two weeks after I got back things got rocky. And we tried to work them out, but she came to a conclusion that she wants to break up, she said she wanted to “experience new things”. I’m still not sure what she means. She said she wanted to be “single for a while”. I have been trying to move on for some time now it has been about 2 months and I still can’t stop thinking about her. I have the same dream with her in it every night. I miss everything about her, her smell her touch, her voice, her smile. I think what we had was something special, and at one point we both thought that, she had said it many times. She said that “what we have is rare and only comes along once” so I don’t understand why she broke up with me.

I would like to think I was a good boy friend. I sent her a message every morning saying “have a great day! I love you” and every night “Have sweet dreams”. I wrote poems, sent her little gifts just because. When we were going out her friends boyfriends would get mad at me because of the nice things I did. I tried everything I could to make her happy. I never cheated on her, never hit her, never forgot a birthday or anniversary. I like cuddling more than anything sexual. I tried to make her laugh when ever I could. I loved her with all my heart.

Now she seems like she is happy without me, and I don’t believe that she could have gotten over what we had so quickly. I am willing to do whatever it takes to get her back because I believe we are meant to be together. So I am asking if there is anything I can do to get her back? Or to get a second chance?

If you could help me that would help me so unbelievably much. It would get back a piece of I’m missing. ~Broken Hearted~

Dear BH: The Bitter Single Guy wishes he was there to give you the big hug that you obviously need and to pat you on the back in a comforting way (pat-pat-pat).

Yours is the classic story of being dumped; there’s no other way to describe it. Although it’s certainly of little comfort, the BSG assures you that everyone else who’s out there in Dating Land has felt what you feel today (including the BSG).  Here are some key points:

·         Your main question is how to get her back. Buck up, BH…you can’t have her back. Yes, it’s possible that she could spend some time out there in the big world then decide that you were the best boyfriend ever and come sniveling back into your arms, but if it’s already been two months the BSG thinks it’s unlikely. You’ve been dumped…accept it.

·         You don’t know how she could have moved on so quickly? It’s because she actually started moving on several months ago. It’s not easy being the Dumpee, but it’s also pretty brutal being the Dumper. The BSG is pretty sure that your Departed Damsel thought a lot about breaking up with you before she actually did it. So the reason that Departed Damsel seems so well adjusted is that the last part of her adjustment was the breakup, even though it was only the first part for you.

·         You’re dreaming of her every night? BH you’re breaking the BSG’s heart here! Know that grieving for something lost is a necessary and healthy process that you simply have to go through. You’ll be sad, you’ll have bad dreams (when you can sleep), you’ll be lethargic and generally not very much fun to be around. But believe the BSG when he tells you that it will get better. That said, if you start losing weight because you’re not eating, or if you can’t seem to get yourself out of the house for more than a few days at a time, the BSG strongly recommends seeking professional help to get you through this.  But again…you will get through this.

·         Departed Damsel told you she wants to be single for awhile? Ouch, BH. The BSG knows (as his readers do) what it’s like to be told that she’d rather be with no one than be with you. Here comes the tough message BH, so brace yourself. The BSG doesn’t think Departed Damsel actually wants to be single. He thinks she just doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. For that reason, don’t be shocked if Departed Damsel suddenly starts seeing someone else in the next short while.

You see BH, the problem is that while you were deliriously happy in your relationship, Departed Damsel wasn’t. There was something missing for her and she likely spent part of the time you were together trying to get that need filled (whatever it was). None of this is easy to hear BH, but it’s what getting dumped is all about.

OK now it’s time for a little tough love BH. The BSG doesn’t know the details, so he can only respond to what’s in your letter and there’s one little section that concerns him. You sent daily notes of love and encouragement, never forgot an important date, wrote poems, and liked cuddling more than sex? While that seems right out off the Good Boyfriend Manual, the BSG and you both know that sometimes we can have too much of a good thing. BH the BSG wants you to think about whether you were a little smothering in your care and attention? Honestly, the BSG didn’t have any concerns until the ‘cuddling more than sex’ part, because you know…sex is pretty important to lots of people. Like he said, the BSG doesn’t know the details, so just wants you to think objectively about that.

BH, take care of yourself and let your friends be there for you and he promises that one day you’ll wake up and not feel like you’ve been stomped on. ~BSG~

Ditched by a Runner

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m interested in your take on my recent situation, which is, for the most part resolved in my head, but still leaves a bitter taste (no offense intended).

I have been single some time, actually a few years, but not been totally desperate, just happy in my singledome. I find myself disappointed often and frequently, as if I’m chasing an illusion. So about a month of platonic dating has been about my limit. That adds up to an awful long time of celibacy. Then recently against my better instincts, I met a guy who has shown an interest before, then disappeared off the scene, then turned up again and asked me out. We had quite a pleasant few dates and things progressed… 

I reached my one month marker and had a few nightmares (literally) about all this new found intimacy – and also about why have I set my sights so low. Out of about 30 admirable qualities in a potential love interest, this guy scored fairly low, around a 10, being generous. But we seemed to get on okay so I withheld my misgivings and shed my aspirations. I had daily long phone calls from him talking about the tedium of his life, which actually appealed to me not in the slightest, but I tolerated it, being all new to coupledome and so forth.

Then after a particularly quite lovely night I had a long phone call from him the next day that was less usual. Instead of mulling over his day, he went into a great monologue about where he’s at now, and lamenting the loss of his ex-partner, from a few months before, and his fluctuating emotions. He kept saying it was like going cold turkey and being on heroin, not that he knew, but just what he imagined it would be like, and, in all, it was just about the crappiest load of drivel possible. I felt like saying ‘get a life’ but don’t think that would have been appreciated.

Anyway, since then, nothing at all. No texts or calls or long night time mulling over the day. And he has totally disappeared from our shared social scene. I know he was an ass, but he was the first ass I have kissed for some time. And it does bug me that he left before I left him, because of course, all his faults, never finishing a sentence and all that, would have driven me to distraction before long. So why does it still leave that bitter taste? Hoping you can shed light in your inimitable way. ~Slightly Bitter Taste~

Dear SBT: The Bitter Single Guy thinks this is an easy one and he suspects that you already know the answer. This has left you with a bitter taste because he beat you to the punch. You wanted to be the one to reject him, dammit!  How dare he drag you through all the details of his mundane little life, then to drone on and on about his failed relationships! Wah!

The BSG is being a little sarcastic here, SBT. Yes it’s true…you’re bitter because he disappeared before you could dump him. But beyond that the BSG is a little concerned about your willingness to stay involved with someone for whom you seemed to have nothing but contempt! What’s up with that SBT?

The BSG is a fan of occasional periods of celibacy and non-dating, but he also knows that too long a period can lead to a seeming inability to actually make a meaningful connection with another person. SBT the BSG recommends you ask your friends whether you’ve actually been single and celibate too long and if so, get yourself some professional help.

At a minimum, the BSG strongly recommends only dating someone who you actually like a tiny bit. ~BSG~

Getting Over Him

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Okay so I’m in high school and I’ve been best friends with this guy for about three years and of course I started to like him. We hung out every day and I was so happy with my life. Finally we admitted to liking each other but it was never the same.

Now when we’re in a group of people he’ll ignore me and flirt with other girls right in front of me. We hang out still but only if it’s just us two and I think he’s embarrassed to hang out with me. All these other guys like me but I can’t even manage to get those same feelings out for anyone but him. I try to get over him but it’s hard because I don’t want to. if I could have anything in the world it would be him. I really don’t know how to go about my problems and I just want an answer, I don’t care how harsh it is. Please please please help me. ~Devastated n Distraught~

Dear DND: The Bitter Single Guy is SO SAD for you! He swears he’s not being sarcastic here. The BSG knows distinctly what it’s like to have really strong feelings for someone and for those feelings not to be returned. WORSE is when the BSG has had those really strong feelings and really wanted them to go away, but couldn’t be rid of them. DND, is there anything worse than laying in bed unable to sleep, just WISHING you could stop thinking about this person who doesn’t feel like you do?  The BSG doesn’t think so.

DND, this is just as hard as you think. Your Bodacious Beau doesn’t feel what you feel and so he tries – in that effective guy way – to make you feel better through demonstrating that he doesn’t have romantic feelings for you. So he:

1.       Flirts with other girls in front of you. “See!  If you see me flirt with this girl, you’ll just stop having all those feelings that make me uncomfortable!”

2.       Treats you the same when it’s just you two together, but differently when there are other people around.

DND you need to bury your face in your pillow and scream until your face is really red and your voice is all hoarse. Then you need to hang out with your friends and be sad and wretched because you had a relationship pulled out from underneath you before it even had a chance to begin and girl…the BSG will tell you what you already know…that just sucks. Take care of yourself. ~BSG~