The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Bipolar Breakup

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m a 20 year-old college student with lots of issues.  I have Panic Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, and Bipolar Disorder.  The first two have been kind of obvious throughout my life, but never diagnosed until last year, which was when all of this started happening.  To make things much shorter, I have been hospitalized in a mental health facility 4 times in a period of 7 months, 2 for suicide attempts and 2 for near attempts.  I have had extensive therapy; more (painful) medication changes than I can count, and even had to take a semester off of school to get myself out of it.  Then I thought I had it all figured out and went back to school rarin’ to go.  Turns out this was not the case, and I’ve been deep in the throes of depression for several weeks now.  I consider it a success that I have not attempted again, but it’s really ridiculously hard to get up in the morning.  I find myself crying and sleeping all day and skipping classes.

Throughout all this, my boyfriend has stuck by me for 3.5 years (incidentally, my first boyfriend).  We have been in a long distance relationship for 2.5 of those years, and it has gone relatively smoothly.  It’s been incredibly difficult to learn to do normal people things, like go on dates, eat at restaurants, and interact with his family, but I’ve done the best I can, and have improved exponentially.  He’s also the first (and I thought last) person I had sex with or did anything at all sexual with, I hadn’t even been kissed before.  We even talked about marriage and the long term future.  The reason I say all this is because this relationship is really really important to me.  And he broke up with me yesterday.  He did so because he couldn’t handle the bipolar thing anymore.  I gave him plenty of outs before, when I was in the hospital watching me in the ICU, I said I wouldn’t hold it against him if he wanted out, but every time he refused and said he would stick by me forever.  He even signed a letter to this effect.

I get where he’s coming from, if it was me, I might do the same thing.  I get that it’s really hard to watch the mood swings and be worried that the next time you see me might be in a coffin.  But he did promise he was in this for the long haul.  I am utterly distraught.  So, what do I do?  Do I just try to get over this and don’t date until I’m sure I’m emotionally stable?  Do I try to get him back?  Do I wait until I’m stable, and then try and get him back?   Do I just enjoy being single for a while?  Do I kill myself (kidding)?  Seriously, what do I do? ~Looking for Balance~

Dear LFB: Firstly, the Bitter Single Guy wants to dampen his normally chipper responses a little to provide some pointed advice. The BSG believes that suicidal ideations (including jokes about them) are always to be taken seriously. While the BSG himself doesn’t have the array of daily difficulties that you are working through LFB, his first response is that if you are having suicidal thoughts, please get professional help right away. That’s the final game changer in your letter: the one from which there is no recovery.

That aside, the BSG wants to say that he appreciates the uphill battle you have against these disorders. Mental health is stigmatized in our society, which makes recovery and day-to-day life even harder than if you were suffering from more easily sympathizable disorders. Keep working LFB.

OK then…THAT aside, the BSG is going to provide advice for your relationship just as he would for someone without your extra hurdles. Here goes:

• At 20, you’ve had the same boyfriend since you were what…16?
• For the past 2.5 years of your 3.5 year relationship (that’s 71% of your total relationship time to day) you’ve been in a long-distance relationship.
• He’s leaving you and you’re devastated and (understandably) a little miffed that he’s gone back on his word to stay with you forever.

Welcome to the world of normal relationships, LFB. There are more people struck by lightning in cornfields than have stayed in relationships from their teenage years until they die. (by the way, the BSG also thinks that your point about the next time your BF sees you might be in a coffin is frankly a little selfish. Ask your therapist about that for more detail.)

It’s normal (and expected) that our personalities develop in our late teens and early twenties so that we become more of what we’re going to be, and it’s quite appropriate for people to grow apart even if they’ve signed contracts to stay together forever. Think about that contract for a moment. If, when presented with the contract, your boyfriend had said “I don’t think I can commit to forever”  how would you have reacted? Yeah, the BSG thinks you would have dumped him, too.

This is normal LFB and given the tough row you have to hoe, the BSG is actually pleased to help you see that you get to have all the normal ups and downs in love that the rest of us have. Yes, the BSG thinks you should get more emotionally stable before you decide to participate in a relationship again. Good luck, LFB. ~BSG~

Ending It Properly

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I was seeing this guy for about 4 months, and I got a little lost in the sex haze and didn’t see that that was pretty much all we had… over Halloween it fell apart when I tried to hang out with him without fooling around… not badly, but he was cold and I was annoyed that he was cold, and one thing led to another and he pulled the “I won’t call you and hope you get the message” card. I got the message.

My question is: Should I send him some sort of email to officially solidify the breakup, state that I’m not mad and then berate him gently for not doing it like a man? If so, what should I write? I know the answer is probably Let sleeping dogs lie… but I just want to make sure that I will lose face if I acknowledge this cowardly behavior… ~Want the Last Word~

Dear WLW: The Bitter Single Guy isn’t always a fan of letting sleeping dogs lie, sometimes poking that dog with a stick teaches him not to sleep by the door where he can get stepped on. The question is whether you’re ready to re-engage in this conversation if he has a clever response and doesn’t just tuck his tail between his legs.

The BSG applauds (clap, clap, clap) your realization that your time with your Charming Cur was mostly about the bump-bump and not so much about the relationshippy stuff, but the BSG wonders if you shared this with Charming Cur before changing the rules? If you decided on your own that your time together should be something other than sex but didn’t communicate that to Charming Cur, then there’s a good chance he interpreted that as disinterest on your part. While the BSG wishes that we all could just say what we mean sometimes, even the BSG has been guilty of just hoping that stuff gets communicated without having to say it (yes, even the BSG).

So WLW, assuming you made sure your own house was clean before criticizing Charming Cur’s house, the BSG recommends taking the high road. Here’s one thought:

“Hey there, since I haven’t heard from you I’m assuming that we’re done, which is what I was thinking anyway. It was fun hanging out for a couple of months, but I guess there wasn’t much past the physical stuff for us.”

The important thing here is that if you’re going to send this casual, lighthearted email with the expectation that you might NEVER hear from Charming Cur again, then you’re in the right head-space. If however, you’re expecting this last shot to open a dialogue, this is likely to backfire on you.

In summary, while it’s fun to get the last word, you have to position it correctly or you’ll end up losing the upper hand. Be strong, WLW. ~BSG~

There Must Be SOMEthing I Can Do!

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I got dumped by my girlfriend of a year and a half, we are both in college and go to school in different states, but the distance was never a problem. I tried to visit her as much as I could and every time I saw her it was nice and we had a lot of fun. Two weeks after I got back things got rocky. And we tried to work them out, but she came to a conclusion that she wants to break up, she said she wanted to “experience new things”. I’m still not sure what she means. She said she wanted to be “single for a while”. I have been trying to move on for some time now it has been about 2 months and I still can’t stop thinking about her. I have the same dream with her in it every night. I miss everything about her, her smell her touch, her voice, her smile. I think what we had was something special, and at one point we both thought that, she had said it many times. She said that “what we have is rare and only comes along once” so I don’t understand why she broke up with me.

I would like to think I was a good boy friend. I sent her a message every morning saying “have a great day! I love you” and every night “Have sweet dreams”. I wrote poems, sent her little gifts just because. When we were going out her friends boyfriends would get mad at me because of the nice things I did. I tried everything I could to make her happy. I never cheated on her, never hit her, never forgot a birthday or anniversary. I like cuddling more than anything sexual. I tried to make her laugh when ever I could. I loved her with all my heart.

Now she seems like she is happy without me, and I don’t believe that she could have gotten over what we had so quickly. I am willing to do whatever it takes to get her back because I believe we are meant to be together. So I am asking if there is anything I can do to get her back? Or to get a second chance?

If you could help me that would help me so unbelievably much. It would get back a piece of I’m missing. ~Broken Hearted~

Dear BH: The Bitter Single Guy wishes he was there to give you the big hug that you obviously need and to pat you on the back in a comforting way (pat-pat-pat).

Yours is the classic story of being dumped; there’s no other way to describe it. Although it’s certainly of little comfort, the BSG assures you that everyone else who’s out there in Dating Land has felt what you feel today (including the BSG).  Here are some key points:

·         Your main question is how to get her back. Buck up, BH…you can’t have her back. Yes, it’s possible that she could spend some time out there in the big world then decide that you were the best boyfriend ever and come sniveling back into your arms, but if it’s already been two months the BSG thinks it’s unlikely. You’ve been dumped…accept it.

·         You don’t know how she could have moved on so quickly? It’s because she actually started moving on several months ago. It’s not easy being the Dumpee, but it’s also pretty brutal being the Dumper. The BSG is pretty sure that your Departed Damsel thought a lot about breaking up with you before she actually did it. So the reason that Departed Damsel seems so well adjusted is that the last part of her adjustment was the breakup, even though it was only the first part for you.

·         You’re dreaming of her every night? BH you’re breaking the BSG’s heart here! Know that grieving for something lost is a necessary and healthy process that you simply have to go through. You’ll be sad, you’ll have bad dreams (when you can sleep), you’ll be lethargic and generally not very much fun to be around. But believe the BSG when he tells you that it will get better. That said, if you start losing weight because you’re not eating, or if you can’t seem to get yourself out of the house for more than a few days at a time, the BSG strongly recommends seeking professional help to get you through this.  But again…you will get through this.

·         Departed Damsel told you she wants to be single for awhile? Ouch, BH. The BSG knows (as his readers do) what it’s like to be told that she’d rather be with no one than be with you. Here comes the tough message BH, so brace yourself. The BSG doesn’t think Departed Damsel actually wants to be single. He thinks she just doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. For that reason, don’t be shocked if Departed Damsel suddenly starts seeing someone else in the next short while.

You see BH, the problem is that while you were deliriously happy in your relationship, Departed Damsel wasn’t. There was something missing for her and she likely spent part of the time you were together trying to get that need filled (whatever it was). None of this is easy to hear BH, but it’s what getting dumped is all about.

OK now it’s time for a little tough love BH. The BSG doesn’t know the details, so he can only respond to what’s in your letter and there’s one little section that concerns him. You sent daily notes of love and encouragement, never forgot an important date, wrote poems, and liked cuddling more than sex? While that seems right out off the Good Boyfriend Manual, the BSG and you both know that sometimes we can have too much of a good thing. BH the BSG wants you to think about whether you were a little smothering in your care and attention? Honestly, the BSG didn’t have any concerns until the ‘cuddling more than sex’ part, because you know…sex is pretty important to lots of people. Like he said, the BSG doesn’t know the details, so just wants you to think objectively about that.

BH, take care of yourself and let your friends be there for you and he promises that one day you’ll wake up and not feel like you’ve been stomped on. ~BSG~

Ditched by a Runner

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m interested in your take on my recent situation, which is, for the most part resolved in my head, but still leaves a bitter taste (no offense intended).

I have been single some time, actually a few years, but not been totally desperate, just happy in my singledome. I find myself disappointed often and frequently, as if I’m chasing an illusion. So about a month of platonic dating has been about my limit. That adds up to an awful long time of celibacy. Then recently against my better instincts, I met a guy who has shown an interest before, then disappeared off the scene, then turned up again and asked me out. We had quite a pleasant few dates and things progressed… 

I reached my one month marker and had a few nightmares (literally) about all this new found intimacy – and also about why have I set my sights so low. Out of about 30 admirable qualities in a potential love interest, this guy scored fairly low, around a 10, being generous. But we seemed to get on okay so I withheld my misgivings and shed my aspirations. I had daily long phone calls from him talking about the tedium of his life, which actually appealed to me not in the slightest, but I tolerated it, being all new to coupledome and so forth.

Then after a particularly quite lovely night I had a long phone call from him the next day that was less usual. Instead of mulling over his day, he went into a great monologue about where he’s at now, and lamenting the loss of his ex-partner, from a few months before, and his fluctuating emotions. He kept saying it was like going cold turkey and being on heroin, not that he knew, but just what he imagined it would be like, and, in all, it was just about the crappiest load of drivel possible. I felt like saying ‘get a life’ but don’t think that would have been appreciated.

Anyway, since then, nothing at all. No texts or calls or long night time mulling over the day. And he has totally disappeared from our shared social scene. I know he was an ass, but he was the first ass I have kissed for some time. And it does bug me that he left before I left him, because of course, all his faults, never finishing a sentence and all that, would have driven me to distraction before long. So why does it still leave that bitter taste? Hoping you can shed light in your inimitable way. ~Slightly Bitter Taste~

Dear SBT: The Bitter Single Guy thinks this is an easy one and he suspects that you already know the answer. This has left you with a bitter taste because he beat you to the punch. You wanted to be the one to reject him, dammit!  How dare he drag you through all the details of his mundane little life, then to drone on and on about his failed relationships! Wah!

The BSG is being a little sarcastic here, SBT. Yes it’s true…you’re bitter because he disappeared before you could dump him. But beyond that the BSG is a little concerned about your willingness to stay involved with someone for whom you seemed to have nothing but contempt! What’s up with that SBT?

The BSG is a fan of occasional periods of celibacy and non-dating, but he also knows that too long a period can lead to a seeming inability to actually make a meaningful connection with another person. SBT the BSG recommends you ask your friends whether you’ve actually been single and celibate too long and if so, get yourself some professional help.

At a minimum, the BSG strongly recommends only dating someone who you actually like a tiny bit. ~BSG~

Getting Over Him

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Okay so I’m in high school and I’ve been best friends with this guy for about three years and of course I started to like him. We hung out every day and I was so happy with my life. Finally we admitted to liking each other but it was never the same.

Now when we’re in a group of people he’ll ignore me and flirt with other girls right in front of me. We hang out still but only if it’s just us two and I think he’s embarrassed to hang out with me. All these other guys like me but I can’t even manage to get those same feelings out for anyone but him. I try to get over him but it’s hard because I don’t want to. if I could have anything in the world it would be him. I really don’t know how to go about my problems and I just want an answer, I don’t care how harsh it is. Please please please help me. ~Devastated n Distraught~

Dear DND: The Bitter Single Guy is SO SAD for you! He swears he’s not being sarcastic here. The BSG knows distinctly what it’s like to have really strong feelings for someone and for those feelings not to be returned. WORSE is when the BSG has had those really strong feelings and really wanted them to go away, but couldn’t be rid of them. DND, is there anything worse than laying in bed unable to sleep, just WISHING you could stop thinking about this person who doesn’t feel like you do?  The BSG doesn’t think so.

DND, this is just as hard as you think. Your Bodacious Beau doesn’t feel what you feel and so he tries – in that effective guy way – to make you feel better through demonstrating that he doesn’t have romantic feelings for you. So he:

1.       Flirts with other girls in front of you. “See!  If you see me flirt with this girl, you’ll just stop having all those feelings that make me uncomfortable!”

2.       Treats you the same when it’s just you two together, but differently when there are other people around.

DND you need to bury your face in your pillow and scream until your face is really red and your voice is all hoarse. Then you need to hang out with your friends and be sad and wretched because you had a relationship pulled out from underneath you before it even had a chance to begin and girl…the BSG will tell you what you already know…that just sucks. Take care of yourself. ~BSG~