The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Dumped for a Baby Daddy (maybe)

Dear Bitter Single Guy: Me and my girl have been having a few problems the past few months. She broke up with me a few days ago. I spoke with her 2 days later and told her how I felt about her and that I still wanna be with her. While I was doing this she was smiling like she was flattered, so I took it as a good sign. When I was done she told me she just needs a break, time for herself and said please just let me do this. I will do this cuz maybe I need that time too. I just don’t want anyone else to come in the picture. Oh she also has a baby daddy for her 1 year old son… What should I do because I do want to get back together? ~Not Done Yet~

Dear NDY: The Bitter Single Guy is feeling out of touch because, while he’s heard the term “baby daddy”, he doesn’t exactly know what it means in this context. NDY, does it mean that she has a 1 year old son with a daddy-figure who she’s not romantically involved with? Does it mean she’s shopping for a daddy for her 1 year old? This is confusing for the BSG. He knows that there was a movie called Baby Daddy (or something like that) with relatively major stars and the BSG has actually heard Oprah use the term ‘baby daddy’, but he didn’t really understand it then either. He thought it was shorthand for “her baby’s daddy” which sounds pretty straightforward, but doesn’t really describe the mother’s relationship with the father, and doesn’t really accommodate the baby growing older. Can a 22 year old be the ‘baby’ in a baby-daddy scenario? So confusing.

Oh by the way NDY, you were dumped and your relationship is over. The BSG gets that you’re not ready for it to be over and he gets that you want to get back together, but the Baby Mommy (going forward referred to as your ‘ex’) doesn’t agree.

Someone else is likely to get into the picture; that’s a common occurrence after a breakup. If you’re lucky, she’ll miss you and it will be you. Take a deep breath and say it with the BSG: “I’ve been dumped.” Now get some of your buddies to take you out for inappropriate amounts of cheap beer (or premium ice cream, whatever your poison) and start the necessary process of grieving. ~BSG~

She Wants Her Space

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I have been with my girl for almost a year now and things were going great; we got along, we never fought, etc etc, all that jazz. All of a sudden a few months ago her grandpa passed away and since then she’s been a total bitch; very mean, very short, she puts me on the back burner to her friends and prefers to hang out with them and get drunk and not include me at all. She looks forward to her bar nights instead of seeing me when I hardly see her because she lives 80+ miles away. The day after thanksgiving I get the “I need my space ” speech, the “I don’t want a relationship right now” speech. I don’t know if she wants to see other people. If I ask her if she wants another man she says I don’t want any man not even you. She says she’ll take me back, but I have to leave her alone and give her “space.” She wants to live her life, be single and have a good time. What the hell do I do…give her the time to have to herself, or just move on? ~Missing Her Already~

Dear MHA: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you should let her go. If, as you seem to suspect, she is having a prolonged reaction to the death of her grandfather, it seems likely that she’ll be coming back to you at some point once she’s marinated her grief in enough alcohol. However, if she’s just done with you (which also seems true, based on what you write) then she’s not likely to be back anytime soon.

Either way, there are no decisions you can make other than to step back and let her go.  She’s told you that she doesn’t want any man, even you; told you that she needs space; and she would rather hang out with her friends than with you…the BSG definitely considers it over.

By the way; don’t believe the “don’t want any man” line. The BSG suspects that in short order your ex will have someone new who will probably live much closer to her than you do. ~BSG~

Is There a Future Chance?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I was dating someone for two months and he just broke up with me.  It was a great relationship from the beginning, very comfortable and easy with a lot of physical chemistry and the ability to have fun together everywhere.  He is 34 and has been divorced 5 years with an 8 year old son.  He is also a first year medical fellow and has an insane schedule.  Whenever he is not working, he is with his son.  I was basically third priority and got to spend time with him when he wasn’t working or with his son. 

While I totally understand this, it is hard to build a relationship when you only see someone once a week for a few hours.  We were never able to see each other on weekends because he was either working or with his son.  The time we did spend together was amazing, though.  I do want more from a relationship, but he has everything I want in a guy (sweet, smart, warm and caring) so I was willing to deal with it for now.

Last week, he told me out of nowhere that he feels like he can’t continue, that it’s not rational because I have everything he wants, he always enjoys his time with me and there is a huge physical attraction, but it’s not progressing (or something to that effect). He also said that he’s not even sure what he wants. I asked him if he thought the lack of time we got to spend together was a factor in it not progressing and he totally agreed.  We left the door open if his schedule ever opens up, which is probably not any time soon.  A few days after we broke up, he sent me an email, “I hope you don’t mind me writing you.  I just want to say “hi” and wish you a good weekend”.  I responded, basically copying his email, letting him know it’s ok to write to me and wishing him a good weekend as well.

I know I need to move on and find a guy who can give me what I want, but I am having a hard time getting over this guy.  I feel like there could be hope for the future, but I know I can’t wait and I may just be making myself feel better (or worse) by holding on to hope.

Any advice?  Why do you think he wrote the email?  To be a nice guy and let me know he still cares?  To keep the door open?  Out of guilt for dumping me? ~Looking Into The Future~

Dear LITF: The Bitter Single Guy thinks you’re grasping at some straws here, but he can’t blame you. A breakup like the one you describe is especially tough since everyone cares about everyone else, but circumstances (in this case medical school and an 8 year old) bring the relationship to a close.

The BSG suspects that your Studly Scholar wrote his email to you for all those reasons. He probably misses you, probably wants to keep the door open, and probably feels guilty for dumping you. But before you go dashing back to him to ask to get together again, keep in mind that all the reasons that drove him to dump you still exist. He’s still caught up in his medical education and still has a commitment to his young son.

The BSG recommends moving on just as if this is a permanent breakup…mostly because it probably is. Once Studly Scholar is safely in his career and working a more reasonable schedule he may seek you out and hopefully for him you’ll still be around and interested. Probably not though, and if that’s the case, the BSG hopes he can cuddle up to his diploma on cold nights. (man, the BSG is a bitch sometimes) ~BSG~

Did He Break Up With Me?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: First I must write that you really aren’t so bitter after all. From your posts I read a lot of well-intentioned wisdom, which has prompted my email. (~Awww…gosh thanks~)

OK, so I’ve been seeing this guy long distance since October 2008. He’s 35, I’m 28, neither of us have been married. I’ve met his entire family, gone to birthday parties, holiday events, etc with him. He recently quit his job to go back to school to pursue another career. I supported this decision. Recently I asked him to come visit me, but got no response. Within the last month he has become quite distant from towards me. Not returning my calls as consistently as he used to, emails, etc. What did I do? Was I wrong to ask him to come see me? Why cold all of a sudden? Should I wait for him to call or call him? Is he done with me?

My parents think he can’t commit to anything, and that’s the reason for his behavior. But I don’t think so. Are some guys lifelong bachelors? He lives with an older brother who is also not married. ~Thinking I’m Single~

Dear TIS: OK, the BSG hopes this ship hasn’t sailed, but it’s so rare that we get to reclaim power in a potential dumpee situation that he thinks you need to act fast. For reference, the BSG is referring to the fact that everyone at some point gets dumped and everyone at some point dumps someone (if you’re in the game, that is). The nature of the dump-er and dump-ee dynamic is that you have more power as the dumper than you do the dumpee. UnLESS you can effect a preemptive dumping and that’s the plan for you TIS.

What helps you in this is that Spineless Jellyfish Man is apparently using the ever-popular breakup-by-proxy approach…which is to say; he’s going to go dark and wait for you to “get the message”. The BSG loves to hear people talk about this as if it’s legitimate. “I stopped calling him two weeks ago, can’t he get the message?” <giggles callously> Tacky, tacky, tacky.

Don’t wait for him to respond to your questions about coming to visit, don’t extend another offer. Do this: Call him and say something like “Since you’ve moved away to school, it seems we’ve grown distant and I’m sensing that our relationship is over for you. I can understand how that can happen. Call me if you want to get together sometime…otherwise good luck.”

This will get his attention, without a doubt. He’ll either act all innocent about his behavior being called out and call you with a bunch of “I NEVER meant that!” talk, or he’ll take the “get out of jail free card” you’ve offered and will simply continue not to communicate.The BSG suspects the former. That’s the way of Spineless Jellyfish Men.

Either way, the power is now yours as the dumper! It won’t feel good…that ship has already sailed…but it will allow the recovery time to be significantly less.

By the way, to your question about whether some men are lifelong bachelors: Sure some are. It’s easy to say it’s because of fear of commitment, but in the BSG’s mind there are a ton of reasons why a person (man or woman) would spend his or her life single. That’s for another post.

~BSG~