The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

When Friends with Benefits Goes Bad

Dear Bitter Single Guy:  I am a twenty year old college student. I have been friends with a guy for 6 years and for two of those years we have been off and on friends with benefits. We have seen other people but not seriously. For the past year I have been trying to end it, because I feel like he doesn’t care for me like he should and I feel used. I tried to avoid him but he is roommates with one of my best guy friends and I tried to cut it off, but for some reason I keep going back to him. I love being friends with him but I don’t know how to be friend and not be romantic with him? ~Complicated and Confused~

Dear CAC: The Bitter Single Guy often hears from his readers when they realize that “friends with benefits” isn’t as carefree as it sounds. Eventually feelings end up getting wrapped up with the benefits and then it can get ugly.

Here’s the gist, CAC: think you’re being used? Correct…you are being used (just as you are using him). And truly, why would Benefits Guy treat you any better when he’s getting what he wants without treating you better? There is a point here about buying cows and getting milk, but the BSG doesn’t want to imply that you are in any way cow-esque CAC.

This is a rip-the-bandage-off-quickly answer. It will be painful, but you need to have an honest conversation with him where you actually tell him that you are done. Then you need to be done. Ask Benefits Guy’s roommate to meet you out if you want to hang out with him. It will always be easy to go back to your old pattern because it’s comfortable, you know it, and it’s probably a little fun. (Distance will make it seem more so) But you have to do it if you’re going to start to feel better about yourself. Good luck. ~BSG~

How Do I Trust Him?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m not sure if you ever get questions from gay men, but hey…we’re people, too! LOL

I will keep my question short.  How do I trust someone that I have become boyfriends with recently?  We were f**k buddies since April, started spending more time and became more friends with benefits…and then, as recent as early December, we agreed on becoming boyfriends.  Funny…we went from FB, to FWB, to BF!!  LOL

Anyway…he, at first, wanted to have an open relationship, but I insisted on monogamy. I told him that even though I know that our relationship may open up in the long run, there has to be built-in trust, safety and comfort in being together. We need more time to get to know each other and I cannot do that if I know that he’s f**king around.  He agreed with me after our long talk and told me that he wants to be monogamous with me.  He was actually shaking and teary eyed, so I believe him when he told me that he was afraid when I said “it aint’ gonna work out!”

Now…of course, I cannot get it out of my mind if he’s being sincere or not.  We don’t live together.  I keep thinking that maybe he’s still in contact with his blow buddy.  My friends say to just let go of my fear and give him a chance unless I know something for sure.

How do you deal with trust issue?  Perhaps by the time you answer this…we would have passed the 1 month mark! ~Trusting But Realistic~

Dear TBR: The Bitter Single Guy is glad you wrote to him…of course the BSG loves his gay readers, just as he loves his lesbian, bisexual, trans and questioning readers! There’s room for everyone here in Bitter Relationship Land.

You may not realize, but many of the BSG’s readers do as they read your letter…your issue is not terribly uncommon. People often believe that sex without strings will be great fun, but it’s the BSG’s belief that it’s also pretty unrealistic. Often when there’s sex, other emotions follow. Good for you for capitalizing on that and finding a boyfriend out of a casual sex partner!

Short answer TBR, your friends are right. The only way to trust him is to trust him. Yes, he’ll have a hard time breaking old habits in order to be in a committed relationship (just as you will), and yes if you can’t watch him he will have chances to stray, but that’s the case in all relationships.  Just as you had the right to say that monogamy was a requirement for you, he had the right to say that (what’s the opposite of monogamy? Polygamy? Polyamory?) screwing around with other folks was a requirement for him, but he didn’t. He’s committed, as you are, to only having sex together.

But there’s nothing you can do to prevent him from screwing up (so to speak) and nothing you can do to know that he did (outside of the normal stuff). Trust him and pay attention for these first few months while your relationship is new. If anything seems awry, talk to him about it. If not, the BSG wishes you many happy monogamous years together. ~BSG~