The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Friends With Benefits Not So Beneficial.

Dear Bitter Single Guy: At a party, I hooked up with a guy. We knew each other through our social circle and found each other attractive. We started hooking up every time we got hammered together at parties.

We had a talk, and established that we are just friends with benefits and have no romantic goals with each other. We hung out and did friend things and talked about girls/boys. Recently, we hung out by ourselves, we got drunk, cuddled and talked and he opened up a little bit about his own issues which surprised me, he’s not the type to do that. He initiated the cuddling/make out that ensued afterwards. I should have said no, but I mean, I was drunk, whatever.

We fell asleep cuddling, and when we woke up we hugged goodbye and went our separate ways. That night, we were hanging out with a group. He went out of his way to avoid me. In fact, he spent the entire time gushing about another girl he has a huge crush on. When I finally got him alone and casually brought up the night before he dismissed it saying “Oh, I blacked out, haha, I don’t remember anything”. He was perfectly coherent. I know he didn’t black out.

I get that he probably felt a bit overwhelmed. We were gushing about all sorts of issues and he’s usually pretty emotionally stoic. I’m hurt because, though we established ourselves as friends with benefits, we DID talk about that stuff, and we’re friends first. I think he’s used to hooking up with girls and ignoring them, except I’m in his social circle so he faces a conundrum. He feels pressured to show that nothing has changed emotionally between us. He chooses to just pretend nothing happened. It stings.  He’s very touchy-feely with the rest of our group, even the guys, but he shrinks away from me. We’re housemates next year.

I don’t know what to do about him. I want him to accept me as a friend and not see me as just some dismissible chick. What should I do? Talk to him? Let things run and next time we’re in a situation like that, establish the no-more-benefits-because-you-treat-me-like-crap-afterwards boundary?  I don’t have romantic feelings for him. It just hurts because our group is very open about that sort of thing, and we’ve all hooked up at some point or another, yet I’m the only one he gets weird about it with afterwards? What’s your take? ~Tired of Being Dissed~

Dear TBD: The Bitter Single Guy first wants to point out that friends with benefits rarely seems to work out for many people. Intellectually we all love the idea of sex without strings, but in practice the strings may be hidden, but are usually there.

The BSG thinks you should go with your ‘no-more-benefits-because-you-treat-me-like-crap-afterwards boundary’. Particularly since this group of friends is apparently open and particularly since you’re planning to be housemates next year.

The BSG’s guess is that Drunken Cuddler has some feelings coming up for you despite his best efforts and rather than dealing with them openly, he’s choosing to act all frat-boy-ish and pretend it’s not happening. That means setting the boundary is up to you and the BSG thinks you’ve got this well in hand. Go get ‘im. ~BSG~

Friends With Benefits or Just Friends?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: So let’s just get straight to it. I was in a show with a guy a year ago and I was definitely attracted to him (he’s 15 years older than me, hold onto that) and we saw each other every day because of being in the show together. The show ended and we started hanging out occasionally at other shows, concerts, etc.

Then New Years came around and we went to a mutual friends’ party. We ended up making out in the rain (should sound romantic but actually it was freezing) after the party and that was the first time I had gotten the impression that he might “like me”.

However, the next day he sent me a bunch of text messages saying he wasn’t ready for a relationship and that he & his GF of 3 years had just broken up 6 months earlier and he was still dealing with that. And I was like “hold up, we are not talking about this via text can I come over?” So I did. We ended up talking for a few hours; I explained that while I liked him I hardly knew him so dating him immediately was not even on my radar. We talked about his past experience, I assured him that I was not entering “Now you have to date me because we made out” ground and things were fine. We then spent a significant amount of time making out until 1 am.

Since then we spent the next six months hanging out occasionally (several times a month) and every time we’d see each other he’d kiss me goodnight. We’d have fun with his friends, or mine. Something that always bugged me is I would always make it a point to go to his shows or concerts, all of them, and he’s never made it to any of mine and I’ve been in a lot since we first met! When we weren’t hanging out he didn’t text, call, etc. But when we hung out he was so talkative, always asking about all the things he’d missed, etc. So this was going off and on up until late summer where he came to my birthday party. He hung out with all my friends, brought me a birthday gift, kissed me goodnight. Seemed like we were exactly where we were a year earlier. But oh well.

Then from that day to now we’ve seen each other just a handful of times, I’ve still gone to his shows with my friends and he’s still yet to come to any of mine promising he’d “come to the next one!”. The times I’ve seen him since he hasn’t kissed me or anything…but things are really fun with his friends whom I adore and he has a great time with mine.

I guess…what am I doing? Immediately we were in a place where I thought, we’re going to get to know each other and re-evaluate from there…but now over a year has passed and nothing’s changed. I also just learned that last February (not last month but a year ago) he asked out a girl at a concert of his that I was at (she shot him down). I just found this out last week–that concert, I WAS AT, and he kissed me goodnight AND that was only a month after our New Years make out/talk.

I really like his friends, I like his concerts, I like hanging out with him…but do I just forget all the other stuff that happened? Do I try to talk about it? What do you think? ~Shamelessly Hanging On~

Dear SHO: The Bitter Single Guy knows how mixed messages can get you to thinking things are going one way when they’re actually going another. The BSG thinks that Reluctant Randy is unwilling or unable to step up and tell you whether he wants to date you or not. And gracious SHO, why should he have to? Here he has this attractive young woman who shows up to see him, spend time with he and his friends, and with whom he gets to make out every now and then. In the meantime he’s free to pursue whatever love interest he’s ACTUALLY interested in.

SHO, the BSG hates to tell you but you’re a bit of a doormat here. Don’t let Reluctant Randy’s inability and insecurities step all over you anymore. Make other plans, ask someone else out, don’t go hang out with his friends. It won’t seem like a breakup because it probably never felt like a relationship; but the BSG is pretty sure that you thought of it that way. For that reason, you’ll find yourself missing his friends…your friends may ask about Reluctant Randy…all the things that would normally go with a breakup. Wrap it up and spend some time with someone willing to spent real time with you, not just opportunistic make-out time. ~BSG~

When Friends with Benefits Goes Bad

Dear Bitter Single Guy:  I am a twenty year old college student. I have been friends with a guy for 6 years and for two of those years we have been off and on friends with benefits. We have seen other people but not seriously. For the past year I have been trying to end it, because I feel like he doesn’t care for me like he should and I feel used. I tried to avoid him but he is roommates with one of my best guy friends and I tried to cut it off, but for some reason I keep going back to him. I love being friends with him but I don’t know how to be friend and not be romantic with him? ~Complicated and Confused~

Dear CAC: The Bitter Single Guy often hears from his readers when they realize that “friends with benefits” isn’t as carefree as it sounds. Eventually feelings end up getting wrapped up with the benefits and then it can get ugly.

Here’s the gist, CAC: think you’re being used? Correct…you are being used (just as you are using him). And truly, why would Benefits Guy treat you any better when he’s getting what he wants without treating you better? There is a point here about buying cows and getting milk, but the BSG doesn’t want to imply that you are in any way cow-esque CAC.

This is a rip-the-bandage-off-quickly answer. It will be painful, but you need to have an honest conversation with him where you actually tell him that you are done. Then you need to be done. Ask Benefits Guy’s roommate to meet you out if you want to hang out with him. It will always be easy to go back to your old pattern because it’s comfortable, you know it, and it’s probably a little fun. (Distance will make it seem more so) But you have to do it if you’re going to start to feel better about yourself. Good luck. ~BSG~

How Do I Trust Him?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m not sure if you ever get questions from gay men, but hey…we’re people, too! LOL

I will keep my question short.  How do I trust someone that I have become boyfriends with recently?  We were f**k buddies since April, started spending more time and became more friends with benefits…and then, as recent as early December, we agreed on becoming boyfriends.  Funny…we went from FB, to FWB, to BF!!  LOL

Anyway…he, at first, wanted to have an open relationship, but I insisted on monogamy. I told him that even though I know that our relationship may open up in the long run, there has to be built-in trust, safety and comfort in being together. We need more time to get to know each other and I cannot do that if I know that he’s f**king around.  He agreed with me after our long talk and told me that he wants to be monogamous with me.  He was actually shaking and teary eyed, so I believe him when he told me that he was afraid when I said “it aint’ gonna work out!”

Now…of course, I cannot get it out of my mind if he’s being sincere or not.  We don’t live together.  I keep thinking that maybe he’s still in contact with his blow buddy.  My friends say to just let go of my fear and give him a chance unless I know something for sure.

How do you deal with trust issue?  Perhaps by the time you answer this…we would have passed the 1 month mark! ~Trusting But Realistic~

Dear TBR: The Bitter Single Guy is glad you wrote to him…of course the BSG loves his gay readers, just as he loves his lesbian, bisexual, trans and questioning readers! There’s room for everyone here in Bitter Relationship Land.

You may not realize, but many of the BSG’s readers do as they read your letter…your issue is not terribly uncommon. People often believe that sex without strings will be great fun, but it’s the BSG’s belief that it’s also pretty unrealistic. Often when there’s sex, other emotions follow. Good for you for capitalizing on that and finding a boyfriend out of a casual sex partner!

Short answer TBR, your friends are right. The only way to trust him is to trust him. Yes, he’ll have a hard time breaking old habits in order to be in a committed relationship (just as you will), and yes if you can’t watch him he will have chances to stray, but that’s the case in all relationships.  Just as you had the right to say that monogamy was a requirement for you, he had the right to say that (what’s the opposite of monogamy? Polygamy? Polyamory?) screwing around with other folks was a requirement for him, but he didn’t. He’s committed, as you are, to only having sex together.

But there’s nothing you can do to prevent him from screwing up (so to speak) and nothing you can do to know that he did (outside of the normal stuff). Trust him and pay attention for these first few months while your relationship is new. If anything seems awry, talk to him about it. If not, the BSG wishes you many happy monogamous years together. ~BSG~