The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Best Friends And Boyfriends

Dear Bitter Single Guy: A couple of weeks ago, my best guy friend and I decided to (finally!) date.

The problem is, I’m not sure I feel the way I’m supposed to. I’m used to being in a relationship where I’m high from all the mushy-gushy feelings one minute, and then overcome with lust the next. With “Drew”, it’s not like that. It’s just normal. Now, since none of my past relationships worked out, maybe I’m on to something with what I’ve got with “Drew”. I just don’t know…

He’s the perfect guy on paper – intelligent, funny, sweet, tall, attractive–but he doesn’t give me butterflies in my tummy. I guess what I want to know is how I whether or not I should break up with him. And if I should, how can I do that without losing his friendship? ~GF Without Butterflies~

Dear GFWB: The Bitter Single Guy knows how frustrating the lack of butterflies can be…damned butterflies.  He wishes (as you do) that on-paper attraction was just like butterfly-inducing attraction but we both know that it’s not.

Before he gets to your question about how to break up, the BSG wants to spend a moment on the relationship itself. The BSG’s experience is that butterflies (damned butterflies) are often present early in relationships and get activated because you’re learning festive and surprising new stuff about someone. Deciding to take an existing friendship to the next level means there are likely to be fewer festive surprises; resulting in the damned butterflies slumbering through your courtship. The only reason the BSG points this out is that those damned butterflies eventually quiet down anyway and more than one person has found that in the absence of the unsettling feeling that they’re going to puke at any minute, there isn’t much to their relationship.

The BSG doesn’t think this is a bad thing because relationships aren’t (in the BSG’s opinion) made to last, but many folks are surprised by having to make a relationship work when it’s not all sparky and butterfly-y all the damned time. 

So GFWB, all this is to say that if you’re missing the butterflies simply because you don’t know how to start a relationship without feeling unbalanced and unable to sleep (damned butterflies), then perhaps you should look closer to see if you’ve jumped right to the comfy part of a relationship.  To be clear, this does NOT mean that your BF shouldn’t make your toes curl a little when he licks your ear lobe (or you know…whatever). It just means that you might want to think twice before you bail, lest you become one of those unfortunates (the BSG knows these people; maybe you do, too) who are so addicted to the damned butterflies in the early stage of a relationship that they sabotage every relationship when it gets comfortable. While this keeps the excitement alive, it’s not a pretty pattern when one is in one’s 50’s and beyond (some might say).

OK GFWB, all that aside…your question was how to breakup without losing his friendship. Bummer Dude; it’s probably not possible for all the reasons you think. Unless, assuming you and your beau have the luck of the lotto, you are both feeling exactly the same thing at exactly the same time and are able to articulate it sufficiently well to avoid any weirdness. Not likely, but sometimes we all buy lottery tickets, right?

~BSG~

Roommates and Relationships

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I live with one of my best friends, who also happens to be a very attractive person of the opposite sex.  We get along great, better than any roommates I know of, and I love living with him.  We spend a ton of time together, cook dinner together almost every night, feel completely comfortable with each other and are basically like “family”.  Our friends joke that we are like an old married couple. 

The problem is that despite our better judgment, we keep ending up in bed together; especially if we have been drinking.  The sex is great and it doesn’t actually seem to have a negative affect (yet) on our friendship.  I am assuming that eventually this will change, and our indiscretions will lead to someone getting hurt and the destruction of our friendship.  Also, because we are so comfortable with each other and have such a good time hanging out with each other, I feel as though we are both putting a very minimal effort into dating and meeting new people. 

I don’t want him to move out and I don’t think that either of is really wants to give up the occasional night of drinking either, but I don’t know how else to handle this.  I never want to lose this guy as a friend and it seems as though that is where this will lead.  Can you offer any advice on how we might go about making more responsible decisions in the future?  Keep in mind that every time something happens we immediately sit down and talk about it… This isn’t something that we have neglected to discuss or try to find ways of preventing on our own. ~Randy Roommate~

Dear RR: The Bitter Single Guy (and most of his readers, he suspects) wonders what the problem is here? You’re living with a guy you’re attracted to (who is also apparently attracted to you), you enjoy each other’s time, cook meals together, aren’t really interested in other people, and have great sex after a few drinks.

RR you have a boyfriend!  Congratulations; the BSG is happy to be the first to tell you, although he thinks it could have been obvious, yes? Maybe not.

Now the BSG knows that you’re saying “No, that’s not the point!  We’re just friends!” Well the BSG thinks the lady doth protest too much. There are readers out there who would love to be in a relationship like this one. Heck, even the BSG would be unlikely to toss this one out on its ear.

RR if the problem is that you don’t actually want to be in a relationship with this Charming Chap, the BSG might wonder why, but he would respect that decision. In that case, the BSG would say that you need some distance. If you two continue this fiction that you’re actually just roommates and one of you gets an actual date, much heartbreak and drama will ensue. Trust the BSG here…this is a time bomb.

If you’re so good at talking about why you had sex after a few drinks (the BSG thinks this would be a fast conversation: “Wow! So once my inhibitions were lowered a little, my consistent attraction to you made me want to do intimate touchy stuff with you, again! Glad we talked about that, aren’t you?”) then you should be pretty good at talking about the fact that YOU’RE IN A RELATIONSHIP. Good luck and tell us all how it goes, RR. ~BSG~