The Bitter Single Guy’s Relationship Advice

Afraid of Gay Men

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m afraid of gay men, but I’m gay.  Funny how it’s come to work out, because I’ve been out of the closet longer than most of my gay peers. Most of my friends are straight.  I do a good job of making people laugh, I actually am pretty decent looking, and I’m smarter than most… but I am petrified of other gay men.

I’ve lately come to joke about myself being a spinster.  Really, it’s got a good sound to it; makes you sound freewheeling, active.  Not at all like what it actually means. But I don’t want to end up a BSG.  Speaking of which; why is a BSG necessarily the one to be giving advice? ~Parsley Pear~

Dear PP: The Bitter Single Guy is giving advice because he has the brilliant experience of having made nearly all the mistakes already and he’s willing to pass that invaluable wisdom to his readers (and to you). The immediate benefit for you PP, is that the BSG’s infinite experience lets him tell you that you’re not all that unique! Although the twist for you is that you’re a gay man afraid of gay men, there are tons of straight BSG readers who are afraid of the opposite sex or, more appropriately, afraid of their potential for success relating and dating with those nice folks. The BSG is hoping you don’t actually fear your Gay Brothers (and Lesbian Sisters) as if they’re going to hurt you. That’s a different problem.

The BSG is pretty sure that what you mean is that you’re not sure how to approach the whole dating thang within your tribe. The BSG knows that there is as much variability among The Gays as there is among The Straights, so he recommends you not think of your tribe as one homogeneous (pun intended…the BSG cracks himself up) group of scary potential dates. There are undoubtedly other friendly gay men who are similarly shy. You need to find them.

First, you need to get yourself a good old-fashioned gay friend. The BSG recommends, as he does for all his readers trying to get a date, that you start by joining some sort of club. A bowling league or a pottery class; some hobby-adjacent activity where you can safely meet similar folks. Then, just like in middle school, you make a friend, you have some coffee (OK, maybe not coffee in middle school, but you get the BSG’s drift), you laugh and carry on. The BSG isn’t recommending that you date this new friend (although if the vibe is there, go for it), but instead that you allow your new gay friend to slowly introduce you to the fun of hanging out with folks who have similar *ahem* interests.

Therapists call this process Systematic Desensitization, PP. Look that up in Google and you’ll see fascinating references to Little Albert and a White Rabbit and you’ll learn how the Psychological community came to be embarrassed by itself. It’s one of the BSG’s favorite stories.  But bunny rabbits aside, Systematic Desensitization is a great way to introduce something scary into your life in a non-scary way. Good luck, PP. ~BSG~

How Do I Trust Him?

Dear Bitter Single Guy: I’m not sure if you ever get questions from gay men, but hey…we’re people, too! LOL

I will keep my question short.  How do I trust someone that I have become boyfriends with recently?  We were f**k buddies since April, started spending more time and became more friends with benefits…and then, as recent as early December, we agreed on becoming boyfriends.  Funny…we went from FB, to FWB, to BF!!  LOL

Anyway…he, at first, wanted to have an open relationship, but I insisted on monogamy. I told him that even though I know that our relationship may open up in the long run, there has to be built-in trust, safety and comfort in being together. We need more time to get to know each other and I cannot do that if I know that he’s f**king around.  He agreed with me after our long talk and told me that he wants to be monogamous with me.  He was actually shaking and teary eyed, so I believe him when he told me that he was afraid when I said “it aint’ gonna work out!”

Now…of course, I cannot get it out of my mind if he’s being sincere or not.  We don’t live together.  I keep thinking that maybe he’s still in contact with his blow buddy.  My friends say to just let go of my fear and give him a chance unless I know something for sure.

How do you deal with trust issue?  Perhaps by the time you answer this…we would have passed the 1 month mark! ~Trusting But Realistic~

Dear TBR: The Bitter Single Guy is glad you wrote to him…of course the BSG loves his gay readers, just as he loves his lesbian, bisexual, trans and questioning readers! There’s room for everyone here in Bitter Relationship Land.

You may not realize, but many of the BSG’s readers do as they read your letter…your issue is not terribly uncommon. People often believe that sex without strings will be great fun, but it’s the BSG’s belief that it’s also pretty unrealistic. Often when there’s sex, other emotions follow. Good for you for capitalizing on that and finding a boyfriend out of a casual sex partner!

Short answer TBR, your friends are right. The only way to trust him is to trust him. Yes, he’ll have a hard time breaking old habits in order to be in a committed relationship (just as you will), and yes if you can’t watch him he will have chances to stray, but that’s the case in all relationships.  Just as you had the right to say that monogamy was a requirement for you, he had the right to say that (what’s the opposite of monogamy? Polygamy? Polyamory?) screwing around with other folks was a requirement for him, but he didn’t. He’s committed, as you are, to only having sex together.

But there’s nothing you can do to prevent him from screwing up (so to speak) and nothing you can do to know that he did (outside of the normal stuff). Trust him and pay attention for these first few months while your relationship is new. If anything seems awry, talk to him about it. If not, the BSG wishes you many happy monogamous years together. ~BSG~

Boyfriend is a Hidden Bisexual

Dear Bitter Single Guy: My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 years. For the past year I’ve been having dreams of him being with a man. I’ve told him about the dreams and he would laugh and say “no I’m not gay”. Last month I did what most paranoid girlfriends do and snooped on his computer. I found an email account I didn’t know he had and logged in. I found emails from gay men, some of them very explicit. He even told one guy where he lived (his address).

Of course I was shocked so I confronted him about it and he told me he was just confused and that he knew he was straight now. Every time I bring it up he gets very angry. I need answers and I don’t feel like he’s telling the truth. Would it be wrong of me to put software on his computer that will show me what he’s been doing? I love him but this paranoia is running me crazy! ~Don’t Wanna Share~

Dear DWS: The Bitter Single Guy admits that when he read that you had been having dreams about your boyfriend being with a man, he was ready to poo-poo your paranoia, but it certainly appears to have gone beyond dreaming.

First though, the BSG has to answer your question: Yes. Emphatically yes, it would be wrong of you to put software on his computer that will show you what he’s been up to. Really DWS? You want to be that person? Are you running a prison? Besides, what do you think you’ll learn that you don’t already know?

Here’s the deal, DWS. You suspect your boyfriend is bisexual? The BSG believes you’re correct. What your Baffled Beau is defining as “confusion” is actually bisexuality. The BSG has to say though…this isn’t necessarily a bad thing for him in the larger scheme of things! It means that as his life unfolds, he gets to have rewarding relationships with women AND men!  It’s sad for those of us limited to just the one gender <sigh>.

However DWS, it’s not OK for him to explore this side of himself while he’s in a committed relationship with you. So the issue here is not whether or not he’s attracted to men, but whether he’s going to compromise his committed relationship in order to explore this other side.

The BSG believes that this should be your stance: “I don’t care who you’re attracted to; if you pursue other people for romance or sex you’re cheating on our relationship and that’s not OK”. Sadly DWS, the BSG also believes this is likely to be the end of your relationship. The BSG has watched the Coming-Out-Of-The-Closet process before and the beginnings of it often look like you describe. Doubtless your Baffled Beau wishes he were completely straight, but that ship seems to have sailed.

The BSG recommends being as compassionate for Baffled Beau as you can be as he navigates these new waters, but also recommends that you set a firm boundary about what your commitment means. ~BSG~